Colonel Dodo's Stupid and Dumb Adventure
Ever since his boat was burnt down by Hank Hill, Colonel Dodo was miserable and had been forced to stay at a local Premier Inn. As nice as the hotel room was every evening Sir Lenny Henry would come into Dodo's room unannounced. "There's nothing nicer than a great nights sleep." Lenny Henry would say as Dodo groaned violently while trying to get some sleep. Dodo would try and get Lenny Henry to leave only to get a massive slap across the face from Lenny's PA and possible lover Richard Gritter. Gritter would then cry, "this is big time!"
This wasn't gonna cut it. Colonel Dodo needed a new boat and he needed one fast. He tried looking on Craigslist but he did not like the look of any of the boats on there. He desired something with far more character and also something which rivalled his previous boat.
One horrible rainy Sunday morning at Premier Inn, Colonel Dodo was browsing through a newspaper and saw an advertisement for a massive boat going for sale over in Empire Bay. It was even bigger and better than the boat which Hank Hill destroyed. The person selling the boat was a man named Captain Kiddie and he demanded a whole lot of steak and peas in exchange for the ship. Dodo was fully convinced but was warned off by his accountant Captain Hook as well as his new first mate Peck Fex. "It's that not that I want the boat Hook it's that I need it." Dodo cried as Peck replied with, "is that supposed to be a secret code? It's just a simple mathematics."
Dodo then read the small print on the advert and realised that the offer on the boat ended at 10 pm that very night. He zoomed out of his hotel room; and ran towards the elevator only to find it was in use by an incredibly smelly old lady and her grandson Mr Bean who secretly plotted to kill her in order to steal her insurance money. Yeah Mr Bean is a sick bastard. Bet you didn't know that did you dear reader? Well you do now.
Dodo and his cohorts then decided to take the staircase all the while getting chased by Lenny Henry and Richard. Lenny's voice could be hear echoing down the hallway as he said, "there's nothing nicer than a great nights sleep." The trio eventually reached the main lobby and the receptionist was none other than Robin the green duck who loves digital style. "Digital style!" Robin proclaimed as he started to check Dodo and his cohorts out of the hotel. He was taking ages and I mean literary ages. No joke Captain Hook's hair was beginning to turn grey.
Finally Robin managed to check them out and the trio made their way outside onto the streets. Lenny Henry hissed at the sights of the street for he could not bring himself to leave the comfort of Premier Inn nor could Richard Gritter. "Have I ever let you down?" Gritter asked as Lenny yanked Gritter's heart out of his chest singling that their partnership had finally come to a close.
Colonel Dodo and his cohorts made their way down the streets for they did not own a car. Dodo looked at his pocket watch and learned that it was only five to eleven in the morning. 'Perfect,' Dodo thought to himself as he still had several hours to get to the boat before Kiddie closes up shop or God forbid sells to someone completely different. Everything was going fine for a bit as the trio continued running down the streets until they were stopped by an army blockade which had been put up by none other than General R. Asquith himself.
General Asquith stood at the front of the blockade smoking weed with his soldiers. "Come on we must make it to east port before sundown!" Dodo cried as Bill Dauterive came up to him. "Bill please! You gotta let me and my friends go through!" Dodo replied as an obnoxious Bill responded with, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" It was so fucking obnoxious that even Peck himself grew angry and he was quite the mellow marshmallow ever since the olive oil fiasco of 1977 that is.
It was Captain Hook himself who made the next move. He stole one of the army's jeeps and used it to race down the streets. Asquith and Bill along with the other soldiers gave chase. Hook had not bothered to take Dodo and Peck with him for he had planned on retiring from accounting anyway. You see what Captain Hook really wanted to do was stockbroking. For he came from a long family history of stockbrokers. That's just beautiful in my opinion.
Colonel Dodo and Peck made their way through the blockade and raced into a cul-der-sac in the middle of nowhere. The only way through the cul-der-sac was by taking a scenic route through the forest which meant going through one of the houses. Dodo and Peck made their way towards the first house they saw. Inside the house, Billy Bob Tanley was watching Woody Loses His Schmoe again and was seething with hatred and anger. "Where is the funniness?" Billy Bob asked as Dodo and Peck came bashing through the walls having used Ed from Ed, Edd, N Eddy as a jackhammer. They didn't use the front door to get in even though it was already open. What the fuck?
Billy Bob looked at them and yelled, "give me a beer you fucking dog!" Dodo and Peck were forced by Billy Bob to head to the local Tesco's to buy him some beer. At Tesco's more problems began to arise as the store was full to the prim with customers. There was no room to breath. Eventually Dodo found the correct beer and went to the checkout to pay for his item. "That'll be six hundred dollars Sir." The cashier Mr Duncan said as Dodo handed him a full bag of carrots which somehow was enough to pay for the beer. "My oh my where did you get all that money?" Mr Duncan asked as Peck replied with, "none of your business you sponge!" "Oh well that explains it." Mr Duncan replied. After paying for the item, Mr Duncan then proceeded to pull two turtle dove ornaments off of a nearby Christmas tree even though it was no way near Christmas yet.
Mr Duncan held the turtle dove ornaments close to his chest before saying, "turtle doves are very special." "I can have two?" Colonel Dodo asked and Mr Duncan replied with, "well two turtle doves. You keep one and give the other to someone really special." Dodo happily took the turtle doves out of Mr Duncan's hands before making his leave with Peck accompanying him.
They made their way back to Billy Bob Tanley's house who was yet again trying his best to watch Woody Loses His Schmoe. His BFF Otis was there too. "Alright people you read the title we're..." Billy Bob was cut off as Dodo and Peck came in holding the beers. "Hey Spud give me some beer!" Billy yelled as Dodo threw the beer box at Billy Bob's smelly face. "Yeah man." Otis said who was rather tired as was Colonel Dodo. He needed to get to that boat. He checked his pocket watch again it was already three o'clock in the afternoon.
Dodo and Peck left Billy Bob Tanley's house and made their way through Billy's garden they proceeded to make their way towards the nearby forest and ran through it. While running they ended up getting captured by Agent Milton of the Pinkerton Detective Agency. "This is Agent Milton of the Pinkerton Detective Agency." Milton explained as Dodo responded with, "yeah I know who you are asshole." "Micah Bell. We picked him up when you boys got back from Tesco's and he's been a good boy ever since." "I've had enough of this!" Dodo yelled as he pulled out his golden revolver and shot Milton in the head with it killing him instantly.
The Pinkerton Detective Agency now led by Sam and Max began giving chase to Colonel Dodo and Peck. They were eventually able to catch them. Dodo and Peck were taken downtown to be questioned by Sam and Max for killing Milton who was a fine man I might add. Actually no fuck Milton. He cheats at cards and has horrendous wind. At the police station, Dodo and Peck were brought into an interrogation room with Sam and Max following behind them five minutes later. Max shut the door tight behind them. "Why go through all this bother over a boat Colonel? Why kill Milton and then smuggle beer for Billy Bob Tanley? He's been on our arrest list for months now." Sam said as he took a sip from a nearby mug of coffee. "How's your coffee Sam?" Dodo asked with a smug look forming on his face.
Sam looked suspicious at this and said, "it's fine why do... oh jumping jellyfish on a marzipan sandwich!" Sam then proceeded to run out of the interrogation room in a panicked fashion. "Sam where are you going?" Max asked as he left the interrogation room too albeit not as fast as Sam had. "What happened there?" Peck asked as he and Dodo began leaving the interrogation room. "I slipped some laxatives into Sam's coffee while he was outside chatting with Max." Dodo explained as he and Peck walked out of the police station like they owned the place. Upon checking his pocket watch yet again Dodo learned that it was now 5 o'clock. There was only five hours left. Colonel Dodo had to make those five hours count.
Colonel Dodo and Peck made their way to a nearby bus stop and waited on the bench patiently as a massive double decker bus pulled up beside them. The bus driver was none other than Stan Butler along with his conductor and BFF Jack Harper. Dodo and Peck somehow managed to find an empty two seater despite the bus being full and incredibly smelly. Even smellier than the Smelly which SpongeBob and Patrick once tormented in order to get a place in the Suburban Redevelopment Fund.
Now to say that the bus journey was unpleasant would be the understatement of the century. Colonel Dodo was fidgeting uncontrollably. They needed to be in Empire Bay in just five hours otherwise there was no boat for Dodo and no boat for Dodo means no more Krusty Krab. We all know what that means don't we reader? Oh shut up of course we do! Of course we do! Well I do anyways.
The bus eventually came to an abrupt hault as Stan had to pick up his mother Mrs Butler. She parked herself on the seat across from Colonel Dodo and Peck. She began showing them pictures of her son Stan working in a car factory up North. "I saw Stan in my cup yesterday he said he was going right to the very top." You see Mrs Butler was quite insane ever since catching pig flu which had been brought on by the olive oil fiasco of 1977. A fiasco of which Peck was responsible for. This is why he felt such guilt even more than guilt than Quasimodo. Oh yeah I went there.
After picking Mrs Butler up, the bus continued racing down the streets towards Empire Bay. Grimace was kicking Dodo's chair and asked Ronald; "why are the Mcnugget buddies so scared?" "Because we're chicken!" The Mcnuggets proclaimed as Abraham Foulkes who sat on the seat beside them cried, "stop telling that joke! It's getting old!" Ronald then began beating Foulkes senselessly with a walking stick as he yelled, "oh you don't want to be chicken on Halloween!" Colonel Dodo then proceeded to stand up and sit the stop button. He needed to get off that bus if it was the last thing he did.
Colonel Dodo and Peck practically leaped off the bus and watched as it drove down the streets. Only for it to then get hit by a train whose driver who was busy drinking hot chocolate with the waiters who he was all romantically involved with. That's quite a load if I may say so myself. Anyways, Colonel Dodo and Peck then proceeded to walk down the streets again and walked past a busy restaurant called 'Horror Of Chum.' Dodo and Peck were pulled inside by the neck by the manager. The manager was an incredibly fat smelly man known only as The Coachman. He used drive buses back in the 1940's until he lost his license after crashing his bus into the stationmaster's house while he was having his breakfast.
The Coachman forced Dodo and Peck to sit down at one of the tables and gave them a menu. "Sir we really need to be going I got to get to Empire Bay before 10 o'clock or else..." The Coachman then yelled, "you've had our fun! Now pay for it!" He threw a menu down onto the table in front of them. The food was horrible. There was nothing on the menu which Dodo liked. The same applied to Peck. They requested that The Coachman get them the owner. The owner hopped onto the table revealing himself to be none other than Sheldon J. Plankton himself. "What's the problem here fellas?" Plankton asked as Dodo replied with, "listen Mr Plankton me and my first mate we ain't hungry. We ain't hungry at all! We need...." Plankton ignored Colonel Dodo and held up a prune smoothie. "A prune smoothie? A brown muffin? Come on!" Plankton pleaded as Patrick Star who sat at a nearby table began taking a dump in SpongeBob's sundae while The Shadow Reader who also sat at the table groaned before saying, "gosh darn it Patrick I can't take you anywhere!"
At that moment, Plankton and The Coachman both turned their attention away from Colonel Dodo and Peck to instead focus on Patrick's bathroom dilemma. Plankton pulled an incredibly cheesy face as did The Coachman who stank of butter as back in his hometown his nickname was, "the little buttery man." He hated that nickname as did his parents who went into the witness protection program with their son. The program was suggested to them by their counsellor Steve. Steve had done quite well for himself since leaving the dreaded house of Blue and her sadistic clues. The Coachman was trying his best to change the past but he cannot outrun it.
Anyways, Colonel Dodo utilised Plankton and The Coachman getting distracted to his advantage and made his way outside of the restaurant with Peck accompanying him. Across the street was a massive hill which led into Empire Bay. "Maybe we can cross the street." Colonel Dodo suggested as Peck began flying across to check if everything was safe. Yes Peck can fly. Why hasn't he bother flying earlier? To be honest with you dear reader I haven't got a flying Scooby Doo. No Siree I don't. Peck was then run over by a speeding car as the driver Elmer Fudd was out hunting for rabbits. He had come to the wrong place clearly hadn't he dear reader?
Anyways, Colonel Dodo had no time to mourn his fallen friend for he had to get to Empire Bay and fast. He checked his pocket watch and learned that he only had exactly one hour left to get to Empire Bay. Thinking quickly Dodo decided to hitch a ride with two incredibly hairy bikers. Unfortunately, the bikers were very dumb and their bikes only moved a solid 1 mile a minute. Dodo groaned before jumping off the bike in order to catch a Taxi. He managed to get inside the Taxi and cried, "it's scary out there." The driver's scary smelly face then turned around and said, "it ain't much better in here kid." Dodo gasped in fear as the driver pulled on the accelerator. The driver began speeding down the streets at a speed so fast it could rival Sonic The Hedgehog.
Sonic who was resting on a nearby bench saw the Taxi speeding past him and yelled, "that's no good!" Sonic began speeding after the cab and challenged the driver to a race. The driver accepted Sonic's offer despite Colonel Dodo's protests. The race was over in two seconds and the driver ended up crashing the Taxi into a brick wall killing him instantly. Colonel Dodo was somehow unaffected by the crash and made his way out of the broken Taxi. He realised he was in Empire Bay but then he realised something else. He did not know where exactly in Empire Bay the sale would be taking place. So he decided to ask a local for directions.
The local's name was none other than Joe Barbaro who said, "you got your grubby mits all over my fucking coat! I made a fortune for this thing!" Joe then proceeded to explain that the sale was happening over in Greenfield, and if Dodo would like Joe could give him a lift. Dodo gladly accepted and Joe drove him to Greenfield. The sale was taking place in the park. Upon arriving at the park, Dodo found that were already several people bidding on the boat. In fact there were so many people there that Captain Kiddie had to be protected by a bodyguard who was none other than Rap Rat himself. Colonel Dodo attempted to nudge his way to the front in order to place a bid only to get punched in the chest by Rap Rat. "WAIT YOUR TURN!" Rap Rat screamed at the top of his lungs whilst wailing around like some of Whacky Waving Inflatable Tube Man.
Dodo placed his bid but was outbidded by the pompous Governor of France City; Juan Francisco Valdez. "I have been waiting all my life for this boat and you keep me waiting here like a common criminal." Valdez barked as the keys to the boat were handed over to him. "No!" Colonel Dodo cried as he fell to the floor and began crying a bucket of tears. He cried so much that it created a massive flood. Luckily, Rap Rat found the drain pipe and pulled it allowing for all the water to leave and no one was hurt thankfully. Well except for ole Juan Francisco Valdez who drowned in the flood. Valdez was never a good swimmer a fact he blamed his mother for. His mother was quite overbearing and wanted Valdez to scrub all the floors in Hyrule just like Valdez's father would want him to do. Yes dear reader the King of Hyrule is Valdez's father. The plot thickens!
Colonel Dodo continued quietly sobbing as he felt someone tap his shoulder. Turning around he came face to face with Captain Kiddie who handed him the keys to the boat. "What's this?" Colonel Dodo asked as Kiddie replied with, "you've helped so many people today Colonel it's time that the community gives a little back." "You really mean that?" Dodo asked like some kind of Mauriece. "No." Mario said as Kiddie replied with, "I'm only giving you the keys because with Valdez dead and you being the second largest bidder; that makes you the eligible owner of this boat."
Colonel Dodo looked at the keys and held them tightly in his feathers. His face meanwhile remained impassive. Captain Kiddie looked puzzled and asked, "what's the matter Dodo?" It was Squidward cashier fort the Krusty Krab who answered, "I think I may know. After the journey you and your pals went on you've realised that you don't need the ship after all." Dodo laughed as he snatched the keys out of Kiddie's hands. "I was just gonna tell Kiddie that his fly is down." Dodo then looked at the keys and proclaimed, "I got the best boat in the world boys! This is the greatest day of my life!" Colonel Dodo then proceeded to leap into the air as the song Ocean Man played on a nearby radio. The Teensie playing the radio would have preferred "ocean drive" to play during this emotional moment but his manager Mickey C had advised him against this.
So that concludes our little tale. We learned a lot didn't we dear reader? We learned the values of friendship, the trials and tribulations one Dodo will go on just to get his precious boat, and how you should never ever ride a bus with Ronald McDonald. Never! As our tale draws to a close we have to wonder... how long until the sequel? Well it depends on the box office. Now go outside and make me a steak cause let me tell you I am one hungry son of a gun.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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