Eight Crazy Nights: Fucked Up Evil Moments
(i have never watched this movie)
Adam Sandler is my fucking life. Adam Sandler should be your life, too. If you disagree, I will mercilessly beat you with a ratchet until you are a shriveling mass of blood and fecal matter. Now that I have that out of my way, let me detail my story of a moment where Adam Sandler almost wasn't my lord and savior anymore. It all started on Christmas Eve. I was 6 years old and just getting into college when my mother said to me, "Honey, it's time for the government mandated 8 P.M. Adam Sandler viewing. Come join us or it's off to the tin mines!" she said, giggling.
She had come back from a garage boot flea sale and in her hand was a DVD. It didn't look out of the ordinary, except for the many, many glaring facets that made it appear out of the ordinary. FUCK. I did it again. Pretend the text before the comma isn't there, okay? Okay. It said "8 Crazy Nights", and below it was an anime-styled Adam Sandler with his iconic friends and family, including Billy and Woodrow. I was fucking pumped. "Holy shit!" I screamed out loud. My mom just smiled back at me and nodded. However, upon closer inspection, there was bright red text at the bottom of the case, reading "DO NOT WATCH IT IS EVIL!!!". We both laughed it off, for The Sandler would do us no harm... right?
The disc itself was a blank DVD with "EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS" written in black sharpie. I'm sure nobody on this stupid fucking website, nor this whole genre, parody or not, has ever written that same general sentence before. This is an innovative parody internet horror story. Please refer back to the third sentence of this story for more details. As she popped it in, the disc spun up so loudly and shrilly that our ears bled for exactly 3 minutes. I laughed. She laughed. The Sandler Bloodletting Incident (do not research) was happening again, and in our own home! What a riot.
The DVD began with the THX Broadway intro. Instead of "The Audience is Listening", it read "The Audience isn't Listening". We clapped and cheered, for it had subverted our expectations. True to its word, there wasn't any audio in the slightest as the logo faded in. Maybe. The whole "ear bleeding" thing could've just made us momentarily deaf. We arrived at the menu and it was a simple white screen with the text "EIGHT" at the top and "play" in lowercase at the bottom. However, if you were to look closely, a slightly translucent image of Adam Sandler giving a smug expression could be spotted in the background. I only just now remembered this, as I hadn't noticed it when I was young.
The movie began with the THX Broadway intro. Instead of "The Audience isn't Listening", it read "The Audience is Listening". We clapped and cheered, for it had subverted our expectations. True to its word, the iconic deep note bellowed out of speakers, scaring the shit out of our cat. It appeared that our ears were functioning after all! However, as it finished, a new logo slowly began to fade in. "ECN", in blood red text. A louder, more threatening version of the Deep Note began playing. Below it was the title of the film, "Eight Crazy Nights". This was the real shit.
The actual not-intro-logo-part of the film started in the previously-mentioned cartoon artstyle as Adam "the man" Sandler slid down a snowy hill while standing. Dramatic music swelled as the sounds of helicopters and sirens blared in the background. Sandler dodged and weaved out of the way of gunfire from the incoming attack helicopters, leaping, sliding and rolling his way to momentary safety. A distorted radio voice shouted "YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM US, SANDLER!" from afar. Oh no! It seemed Our Sandler was in trouble!
Sandler turned to the screen, and the music stopped. "Well, it looks like these are going to be EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS!". The screen froze for 10 seconds to allow us to laugh hysterically. Even the neighbors laughed even though they had no idea what was happening. The cat began laughing. The spirits lurking in the basement started laughing, it was a riot! This was Sander Adlams at his finest! The opening credits scrolled in. However, every single one, from music to animation was just Adam Sandler. I don't know why they needed to specify since it was so obvious. This was his vision, after all. At least, I thought so at the time...
The intro credits faded to Adam at home, sitting on a rocking chair with the text "DECEMBER 17th, 2024" below. He had a euphoric, yet demented smile on his face as he anxiously rocked back and forth, looking down at the floor. "This is gonna be the Hanukkah to Hanukkah them all!" he mumbled. A knock was heard at his door. As he got up and opened the door, his demented smile turned into a look of demented hatred as he saw the godless heathen known as SANTA CLAUS behind it. "This is a Hanukkah movie, you dumbass!" Sandler said. "Ho Ho Ho! I don't give a shit!" Santa responded merrily. Sandler pulled out his trademark switchblade and proceeded to gruesomely slaughter this festive icon in cold blood. We laughed. This is why this was never explicitly mentioned to be a Christmas story despite it taking place on Christmas Eve, dumb bitch.
As Santa writhed and the life left his body, something vibrated in his back pocket and a voice was heard. "Santa? Are you okay? What happened!?". Adam dug through his pants and found a walkie-talkie. This had been a setup! The North Pole knew they would be able to exploit Sandler's killer instinct and get him in trouble with the feds, so they sent Santa to his door as a suicide mission. Me and my mom were shocked. Had Sandler been played for a fool? There was no way that the old A.S. could've made this film, for it had called his competency into question.
Sandler-sama turned to the screen. "Uh oh! They found me out! Looks like these are gonna be some EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS!" We let out a sensible chuckle. He's still got it!
The film cut to a scene of him running through a dark, snowy environment. He came to a steep, dangerous hilltop, looked down in fear and in classic Sandler fashion, his fear turned to determination, a true hero to us all. He jumped down and slid down the hill. It was then apparent this is where the opening scene started. A true cinematic marvel. Once again, the music and the helicopter sounds and all of that bullshit started again. He once again turned to the screen, saying his classic line. We smirked slightly. The music, however, didn't stop. As he reached the bottom, he let out a sick jump, struck a Tokusatsu kick pose and it freeze-framed. However, as he was suspended in mid-air, he was shot in the chest by sniper fire.
Sandler bled out, and me and my mother screamed. Sandler had been gravely wounded! Our lives' meaning was slowly fading right before our eyes... The sound of snowy footsteps slowly came in from the distance. The camera turned to reveal it was an elf with sunglasses, smoking a cigar with sniper in hand. "Eight nights, huh? You ain't gonna even make it 10 minutes." the elf said in a gravelly voice. We vehemently booed at the screen. Sandler was not one to beg for his life, and he impotently swung his switchblade once again despite being in critical condition. However, the elf kicked it out of his hand and stomped on his neck. "Happy Hannukah, bitch."
The camera cut to a close-up of Sandler, tears in his eyes at the muzzle of the sniper was placed point blank at his head. The elf pulled the trigger and all sorts of gore and viscera poured from his head. His left eye popped out and blood poured from his mouth. I threw up. My mom threw up. The neighbors started crying, for they knew what had happened. The cat just kind of jumped but otherwise didn't emotionally respond to the situation.
The screen cut to black. A greyscale portrait of Adam Sandler appeared, being followed by the text "SANDLER IS A FALSE GOD". The music sounded like Hava Nagila but distorted, and reversed, and in E-Major. Me and my mom looked at each other in disgust and fear. She ran to the DVD player but it refused to turn off. The text began to flash and fill the screen as a demonic text to speech voice bellowed from the speakers. As the horror reached its peak, the power in the house went out momentarily. As it came back on, the DVD ejected, revealing it had been singed and had snapped from within the player.
I had nightmares for weeks. I saw Our Sandler being brutally mauled in numerous ways. It had tested my faith. I had a hard time sitting through future mandated Sandler viewing sessions. I almost preferred the tin mines to this suffering. I would cry myself every morning. My mom became sickly and pale. The cat kept throwing up (though this may not have been from the movie). Our family had suffered dearly from this Tainting of the Sandler.
However, one fateful night, my mom came home with the REAL Eight Crazy Nights, in all of its brilliant 13% on Rotten Tomatoes glory. My faith in Our God Sandler rose greatly, for the truth had been revealed: the version we watched was created by heretics. I slept well, Sandler visited me in my dreams and brought my good fortune. My mom was back in peak condition. All was well... until one year later, when I heard a knock on my door.
I opened the door, and it was Santa.
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