FNAF.EXE
For as long as I can remember, I've always been a GAMER. I'm so much of a GAMER that I have to use all caps every single time I type it just to prove that I'm a real GAMER. So many stupid people pretend to be GAMERS like beta normies and women, but I'm a real one. I only play the best games out there, like Call of Duty and Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey. I don't have time for these baby games like Poppy Playtime, Baldur's Gate 3, and, the worst offender of all, Five Nights at Freddy's.
Ever since I was in school, I HATED Five Nights at Freddy's. During lunch one day a friend of mine told me to play it on his phone. I played it, wondering what the hell the point of this game was, when suddenly the bunny character, her name is Bonnie, jumped out and spooked me. She spooked me so hard that I instantly pissed myself. Everyone started laughing at me, and I quickly ran out of the college dining hall. Ever since then, I HATED FNAF!!!
In order to fight the FNAF fans, or the Freddy Fuckers as I like to call them, I consumed as much lore as a physically could about the games, the books, the entire series just to win online arguments. I learned about the bite of ‘87, the purple man, Sparky (WHO IS CANON! FUCK SCOTT CAWTHON!), and literally all of the books. People say they aren't canon, but I MADE them canon in a giant flowchart just to make people who say otherwise cry. Armed with facts, I proceeded on a decade-long year of terror among the community, crushing the hopes and dreams of those dumb children AND man-children. I even gained mod permissions on different fan servers just to ban everyone. I wish I could have seen those dumb babies crying to their mommies, if they even HAD mothers.
But this story isn't about the best years of my 30s. Yesterday, when I was taking a walk down my local street, I noticed a garage sale, run by a creepy old man with broken glasses and a dead eye. I walked towards the sale, hoping to find some epic GAMER swag for my collection, maybe a Bubsy 3D t-shirt, when I found it: A gray disc labeled "Five Nights at Freddy's" in permanent marker. What the hell? I thought to myself. They released FNAF on discs??? I thought that was just a scam that stores used to take money from false GAMERS?! Having to prove it was legit, I took the disc and ran. The old man screamed at me for payment, so I tossed my pair of GAMER shoes at him, knocking him into the nearby sewer. He might have died. Who cares?
I quickly hurried home and ran up to my room in my mother's house, for yes, I have a mother unlike those beta normies. When I got to the stairs, my younger brother was there, playing with his action figures. I quickly pushed him down the 30 step flight, him being a Freddy Fucker himself gave me little doubt that it was the correct decision. My mother yelled at me, but I rushed past and into my room. My room is a beautiful GAMER paradise full of collectibles, posters, clothing assortments, and a Bowser Amiibo inside of a jar (IT'S FOR IRONY, PEOPLE). I attempted to insert the disc into my disk drive, but then remembered that I'm a real GAMER and we only use Steam, so I didn't have one. Determined to play the alleged game, I shoved it into my computer fan, giving me a boo boo in the process.
With some luck, the game booted up thanks to my daddy who helped me buy a disk drive after apologizing to my brother. The game started, and to my shock, it was certainly FNAF, the game that dared to embarrass a GAMER like me all those years ago. I started a new game and was brought to the classic office with that ear-grating Phone Fucker in my ears. All three animatronics were on the stage as myself, a true GAMER, prepared to beat the night with ease, that is until the game crashed right as it reached 5 PM. I was shocked and disgusted. How dare Scott Cawthon shove his Christian foot up my Atheist ass at the very last moment! Presenting what was clearly the ultimate gamer challenge, I rebooted the game, only to find that it had changed...
When I restarted the game, I was brought to an altered version of the main menu. This time, Freddy wasn't there. Thinking it was a mistake on Scott's part (I mean the dude lives in Texas, so clearly he has some screws loose), I pressed continue. The wait for the loading screen felt like an eternity. Seriously, remember when games didn't have loading screens? They used to not waste our GAMER time! Finally, the screen loaded, however rather than the main game, I was brought to one of the pixel minigames. What? I thought. This wasn't introduced until the second game! Confusedly, I pressed on. The minigame wasn't like any of the others I had seen. This went against all of the lore available and I was FRIGHTENED. In the minigame, I played as the Crying Child, someone not even introduced until the 4th GAME. I walked around a dark area, mindlessly, the clock on the top right saying 6:66 AM. I was on the verge of pissing and shitting myself the entire time, but I couldn't! My GAMER reputation was on the line! I could not let the events of my freshman college year of Gender Studies repeat itself!
I continued to walk aimlessly. Surely this was one of those GAMER tricks where you only encounter something after so many steps. After what felt like years (though it was really five minutes. Fuck wait times) I finally encountered a hideous beast. It reminded me of the horrid Dead Hand from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, a game I find overrated thanks to the ultimate GAMER Arin Hanson. For a while, the Crying Child was merely frozen in place, no input allowing any movement. At first I was afraid I was at ANOTHER GODDAMN LOADING SCREEN, but finally a text box appeared. It said "Only bullies throw their siblings down the stairs". What? How did this stupid game know about my totally awesome and righteous actions? Of course, the game hailed by the Freddy Fuckers would state that I was in the wrong. The creature screamed, as I ran away. I nearly replicated my college experience right then and there.
Sweating in my palms, I ran away, but the creature grew ever closer and closer. Luckily, I was quick at the fingers, due to my cashier job at the local Burger King, and managed to juke the creature over and over! All of the hours in Resident Evil clearly showed themselves! Inevitably, I was backed into a corner that was not there before. I can only assume that was what the insidious loading time was there for. Unable to move anywhere else, I was petrified. This was it. This was where it all ended. I reached for my cross to pray before remembering that I was an atheist. However, at that very moment, an item dropped down. It was... Yes! It was that! The springlock suit from the 3rd game! The game instructed me to push space to toss, and so I did. The creature was trapped! It was slowly losing it's life as the springlocks activated, playing that one cool audio that was always all over the internet after the 3rd game released, the only part about the Freddy Fuckers that I liked! The creature struggled, then slowed, then died. I did it. I won. ...Or did I?
The suit opened, revealing a mangled corpse (Not the animatronic btw). When the suit opened, the head rolled off, revealing the head of the monster. But... It was not the head of the monster... It was... Me? It was a photo taken from my associate's degree celebration. I nearly fell out of my chair, but luckily my back fat caught me before it was too late. I was stunned. What could this mean? My GAMER skills never taught me media literacy! Right as I began to abandon the game in frustration, the text repeated, "Only bullies throw their siblings down the stairs". Then, the crying child transformed into my brother. Was... Was the game telling me that I was being mean to my brother? A jumpscare appeared, but I was too stunned to care, not even enough to piss myself. The screen went dark, when fairly quickly an image of Freddy appeared with hyper-realistic bleeding eyes. I was not too concerned as this was lore accurate. After, the text reading "I AM GOD" appeared. This was NOT lore accurate and petrified me.
The screen froze. I merely stared. Was it hours? Days? Years that had passed? I looked at the clock. It was 10 minutes. I still couldn't understand. How could an EPIC GAMER like me be in the wrong? It was these beta normies' fault, like my brother! They're the ones tarnishing this beloved hobby of mine! I went to use the bathroom, however I heard something after voiding my bladder to prevent another incident. I returned to my room where my little brother was running away, marker in hand. I looked and saw it on my bed: a Freddy Fazbear plush with black and bleeding eyes. By non-existent God. I figured it out. My brother, an expert in computer programming and a game development major, had been POSSESSED by FREDDY FAZBEAR to create a plush. The ghost from the game was real... and it took hold of my brother... I pissed myself despite my empty bladder.
Having experienced true fear first hand, I urge my fellow GAMERS to beware of this mysterious disc. Where is it now, you may ask? I sold it. I mean, I could have destroyed it, but the release of Final Fantasy VII Rebirth is right around the corner so, you know. My brother may not be able to be saved, but yours can. Even now he exclaims, "It was just a prank, bro!" but I know that's just Freddy in his soul. For the love of God, if you receive this disc, and you come across the monster, for fake GOD'S sake TURN IT OFF!!!
This is XxBlondeBaddiexX, signing off.
Written by MrCrowley667
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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