Fart in the Store

Listen, when I blew that fart this morning in aisle 7 of my city's most popular store, I was not expecting that there would be someone right behind me. In my defense (not to justify anything but) I had looked both left and right down the aisle. I never would have guessed that that poor old woman would be standing right behind me, out of my peripheral vision, waiting for me to move so that she may grab some of that sweet Ragu sauce that just so happened to be 33% off.

This isn't my first rodeo with letting one rip in the face of the unprepared. I've let out a couple silent ones, but at least those didn't cause the individual to get knocked out like a light. This one dropped her to the floor and gave her a whole ass stroke. While there's always the possibility that she just so happened to live a life of poor choices and habits, hence the sudden stroke, I can't help but worry that the combination of that incredibly loud sound and the atrocious smell of my fart dropped her to the ground like the Undertaker drops his opponents on Sunday Nights. I'm not kidding, that bad boy was so loud, I think the db level was high enough to blow out the eardrums of an elephant. and it wasn't even a quick one either, it wasn't a quick 'blarp'. No, it was one of those ones where it goes 'fhuuuuFHUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuu... fuu... fuuu...' ya feel me. And seriously, saying that it smelled bad would be an understatement. They torture people down in North Korea with smells tamer than that devastation of a fart. It smelled worse than James Corden's finger after he picks the lint out of his buttcrack, just to find out he actually just didn't wipe well enough.

I would also like to apologize to my city's store, because there is no way in hell you can sell anything in aisle 7 anymore. All those spices and sauces are guaranteed to be tainted. I don't care how well you seal your products, my toxic gas undoubtedly has seeped into every single one of your paprika containers and mayo bottles. I'm giving the warning to you now, because if you don't do something about that, you're about to get hit with a class action lawsuit for bringing out the return of the Plague.

So, I'm sorry to the woman that I've effectively crippled because I decided that the only thing more important than doing my duty in the mens room, was making sure I could grab that last Prego [Roasted Garlic and Herb] Spaghetti Sauce Jar. Again, not to defend myself, but you can't blame me when that store is willing to charge that shit for $1.79. You and I both know that that's a steal.

I am willing to set up a gofundme for you to afford the best medical technology that your local hospital can offer, but honestly I'll probably just pocket the cash so maybe that's not the best idea. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. For the next couple hours at least. I don't have time to think about it after that.

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