Gabe Newell's Burger Empire

I was only 12, i was fat and my entire face was covered in pimples. I was a Dota 2 player and masturbated 4 times a day. One day i opened steam and saw a steam sale, then my parents' wallet exploded with money and i was injured and sent to a hospital. After a few months of recovering in an ICU (it was completely normal, happened to me during every past steam sale) i noticed a weird game. It was called "Gabe Newell's Burger Empire" the picture of the game in steam was of Gabe Newell eating burgers and giving some to children with a black tinted van in an alleyway, to lure and kidnap them (I assumed that because i was very experienced for my age).

It's initial price was $666, but it was on sale, it costed only $4.99. So i thought, "Huh, this seems like a fun game, i always wanted to be Gaben! And i always wanted to own a burger empire! This seems like a perfect gaem for me!". So i stole my parents' new wallet and added it to the cart. Steam was laggy as fuck at the moment, it was like it was trying to tell me not to buy it, it loaded after 2 days (yes electricity bills are this cheap here) and i was sent to the transaction screen.

So i bought it. After that i opened the game library, it was there, ready for download, i double clicked it, and instead of the download preparation window, there was a window that said "If you play this i'm going to take a dump on you. Srsly. Do not try it."

I thought this was just a glitch so i continued, then it showed the standard download preparation window, the game weighed 666 MB. It would take me an eternity to download all that shit because i used to live in a shithole with no fast internet connection. Decades have passed, i'm now 70 years old, it finally finished downloading.

So i launched the fucking game. I was greeted by a title screen where Gabe Newell was eating a burger somewhere in the middle of a forest during the night, with a hole in the ground and a shovel behind him. I thought that was an oversight and the game developers didn't pay much attention to the box art. There were 5 options in the menu, "New Game", "Continue", "Delete a Save File", "Options", and "Quit". The options have nothing, it was just blank. I started a new game, a cutscene played that showed Gabe Newell as he was cooking burgers.

After that really interesting, fascinating cutscene (kappa), the gameplay begun, and what i saw traumatized me even though i was 70 years old, holy shit. 

It showed me the screen of Gabe Newell stuffing corpses of children with burgers to cook and eat them, IN EXTREME DETAIL, like it was real, not a game.

But even though it was morbid and traumatized me for the rest of my short life, i (OF COURSE) thought it was a glitch and kept on watching the "cutscene".

Gaben then proceeded to put the corpses in a giant oven. Shortly after, the screen turned black and the sound disappeared.

I was creeped and terrified at the same time, then something gave me the idea that this was not a glitched game, BUT A BROKEN, UNFINISHED ONE! So i rolled up a blunt and smoked some weed to chill the fuck oat for like 5-10 minutes before the black screen turned into a terrifying picture of Gaben, he was all in what seemed like HYPER REALISTIC blood, but i didn't give a shit because i was high.

Then i started hearing footsteps under my window, and it started smelling like sweat. But then i remembered what happened 70 years ago - Steam threatened to take a poop on me if i play this game. I got extremely scared, so i rolled up another blunt and chilled the fuck out. After that i felt the smell of burgers mixed with the horrendous smell of sweat. Then that person broke into my house, went up the stairs and started banging on my door, i got scared so much, i shat my pants. The person broke the door.

I saw a shadowy figure - i looked closer and realized that it's Gabe Newell himself! Holy shit! I got so terrified, i almost fainted. But then i rolled up another blunt, and offered some to Gabe. He agreed and we started smokin' weed all day.

So i asked Gaben to play the game himself. I restarted it and gave him the keyboard. He started a new game, watched the damn cutscene and guess what! Another Gaben showed up, broke into the house and punched and murdered the first gabe. He, for some unknown to me reason, took a dump on me too, and pulled me to his van, i woke up in a hole in the ground, in the middle of a forest, during night, then the motherfucker started burying me alive.

After he was done, i heard him eating a delicious burger, i remembered the title screen - it was me in the hole in the ground all along! Shortly after the realisation i, well, just dug myself out, and killed the second Gabe.

And then a skeleton popped out and boned me (get it?), and that is the most terrifying part of that pasta.

The end. ok?

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