Game Pastas Are Stupid: Difference between revisions
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When I got to Richard’s house, he greeted me in a state of horror. |
When I got to Richard’s house, he greeted me in a state of horror. |
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"What is it, Rick?” I asked upon noticing the abject terror on his face. |
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"W-well, I was waiting for you to come over, and I was g-getting impatient, and decided to play myself, and…” |
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His voice trailed off into a whimper. |
His voice trailed off into a whimper. "Just come with me,” he said. |
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I followed him inside, into his living room. There, he had the game system hooked up to the TV. |
I followed him inside, into his living room. There, he had the game system hooked up to the TV. |
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"L-look,” he practically squeaked. |
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I took a look. I wasn’t exactly sure what the screen normally should’ve looked like, since I never played the game myself, (chalk that up to parents who weren’t exactly the biggest fans of video games not buying them for me as a kid) but what I saw…wasn’t scary at all. It just said |
I took a look. I wasn’t exactly sure what the screen normally should’ve looked like, since I never played the game myself, (chalk that up to parents who weren’t exactly the biggest fans of video games not buying them for me as a kid) but what I saw…wasn’t scary at all. It just said "SUPER MARIO BROS” in dark red on an orange rectangle in front of a sky background. "Ok. What’s so scary?” I asked. |
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"C-can’t you tell?” he fearfully stammered. |
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"If I could tell, I wouldn’t be asking now, would I?” |
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"L-look! Can’t you see? The words are all – ” he started yelling, then dropped his voice to a frightened whisper. " – red..” |
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"And…?” |
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"It’s too red! It’s almost like blood!” he screamed. |
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"Rick, it’s, at best, probably a minor technical glitch. Listen, how about we play it, and you’ll see it’s nothing?” |
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He whimpered, which I took to be a yes. |
He whimpered, which I took to be a yes. |
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I took the controller, selected the |
I took the controller, selected the "one player” option, and was transported to a seemingly innocuous level. Rich seemed to visibly relax. I started moving Mario… |
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…and the background changed to a hellish wasteland. Fires dotted the background, and the sky was black as night. |
…and the background changed to a hellish wasteland. Fires dotted the background, and the sky was black as night. |
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Richard screamed, and I exclaimed, |
Richard screamed, and I exclaimed, "Cool!” |
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"W-what do you mean ‘cool?’” Rich inquired in a stammer. |
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"The whole ‘hellish wasteland’ thing looks pretty awesome.” I explained. |
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"B-but it’s different from the normal game.” |
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"So? Still looks cool.” |
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"IT’S PERVERTING MY CHILDHOOD.” |
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"Rich?” I asked, sweetly. |
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"Yes?” |
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"Stop being a pussy.” |
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I continued playing the game, jumping on koopas (that’s what Rich said they’re called; honestly, I didn’t give a shit), which exploded into blood and gore. I personally found it kind of cool at first, but after a while it got boring. It got even more annoying when Rich yelped every time I killed one of the little bastards. |
I continued playing the game, jumping on koopas (that’s what Rich said they’re called; honestly, I didn’t give a shit), which exploded into blood and gore. I personally found it kind of cool at first, but after a while it got boring. It got even more annoying when Rich yelped every time I killed one of the little bastards. |
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Soon enough, I ended up dying by falling down a pit. I heard Mario scream in pain. Rich howled along with him, tears in his eyes. |
Soon enough, I ended up dying by falling down a pit. I heard Mario scream in pain. Rich howled along with him, tears in his eyes. |
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"Rich, what the hell is wrong with you?” I asked. |
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"Didn’t you hear that? That scream?” he replied. |
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"Well, yeah.” |
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"Didn’t that disturb you at all?” |
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"No. Should it have?” |
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"Yes! That was the scream of a real living being! Didn’t you see the look in his eyes as he died? He felt real pain.” |
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I facepalmed. Hard. |
I facepalmed. Hard. |
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"What?” he asked. "Can’t you feel any sort of empathy? There’s a living being trapped in that nightmarish hell of a game! I felt his pain! Didn’t you see the blood on him? The realistic blood? One might say it was hyper-realistic. It was real, like Mario, like you or I!” |
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He was so invested in his insane rant that he didn’t notice when I walked to his kitchen, rummaged through his drawers and cabinets, found a hammer, took the cartridge out of the game system, and smashed it to bits with the hammer. |
He was so invested in his insane rant that he didn’t notice when I walked to his kitchen, rummaged through his drawers and cabinets, found a hammer, took the cartridge out of the game system, and smashed it to bits with the hammer. |
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"W-what did you do?” he stammered. |
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"I freed Mario from his prison hellhole or whatever. Happy now?” |
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Rich’s only reply was to cry, and scream to heavens, |
Rich’s only reply was to cry, and scream to heavens, "MARIO! NOOOOO!” |
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Some days, I have no idea why I put up with this man. |
Some days, I have no idea why I put up with this man. |