Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Bootleg Copy
Sup readers and fellow gamers the name's Maxwell Jones. I'm just your average gamer who loves to play Fortnite and Shrek 2 on Xbox. Am I relatable yet? I sure as heck hope so! I own a massive collection of games ranging from the Super Nintendo all way up to Nintendo Switch and Xbox one. I just can't get enough of gaming ya know? I play games every minute and every second of the day when I get some free time from my stressful school life.
Yes you see; despite being very close to turning 25 years old, I am still in school. Why? Well it's mainly because my addiction to video games. I play them so much that I often forget to focus my attention on studying rather than playing games. My parents especially my father are very angry with how I don't take school seriously. My family own a small shoe shine shop, and want me to go to a college in the States. That's just sick!
My goal in life was to make my very own video game. I did actually create a game named Pimple Pete. The game has you pulling fake pimples out of a novelty head named Pete. Whoever gets covered in pimple juice loses the game. Sadly, Pimple Pete was quickly taken off the store shelves after receiving multiple complaints from customers over Facebook and Twitter. I also for some reason received no royalties from the Pimple Pete's that were sold. I even tried a movement to try and get Pimple Pete sold again. The movement was called Hashtag Pimple Pete, but it ended up crashing and burning very quickly much like Pimple Pete itself.
As if that wasn't bad enough; because life hates me appranately, my headteacher has suggested some after school club suggestions to my parents which would help me keep studying and away from my damn video games. My parents of course happily accepted, and gave me a range of different after school clubs to choose from.
I eventually found one which really perked my interest; it was a film club. In film club, we are basically ordered by our teacher Mr Panda to create our own movies about the great outdoors; which meant I spent a lot of time outside much to my parents' delight. I also quickly made friends with most of the people in my class. The most notable of them being Richard Fatchurd and his PA Fritz and Brian The Robot. Yes he was an actual robot. He works outside of school as an advertiser for Confused.Com. Hashtag not sponsored! Ha! Now me and my friends got on really well together. However, there was one person in the class who my friends and I could not stand! His name was Edmund Balthazar.
Edmund Balthazar was a hotdog sausage. Yes an actual hotdog sausage. So sad. Anyways, Edmund was very annoying and would goes out of his way to grind the entire evening session to a halt. He'd regularly shout in my ear by yelling, "twist me!" Richard Fatchurd and I tried our best to get Mr Panda to remove Edmund from the class, but sadly Mr Panda couldn't do anything to remedy the situation. For you see; Edmund's parents had very powerful friends in the government who would happily close the school down if anything happened to Edmund. This made Edmund practically untouchable. Well at least it certainly seemed that way. Also, Edmund is very silly but not in a good way. He often messes around and sings Taylor Swift songs while we're trying to do some filming. Ew gross!
Despite me not liking Edmund whatsoever; he seemed to like me a lot. I mean really like. Like seriously peeps; he often goes out of his way to talk to me in every single film club. The only good thing I can say is that film club is the only time of the day when I'm forced to associate myself with Edmund. We don't have any other classes together as he is in the very bottom sets cause he's so fricking dumb. Edmund tries his best to muscle into me and my friends' conversations, but we also push him aside. We wanted Edmund out of our lives for good or at the very least out of our stinking film club. I mean seriously peeps; no one liked him at the club not even Mr Panda and his teaching assistant Gabriel Mountain liked him. Little did we know that our big break was coming.
One miserable Monday afternoon, our teacher Mr Panda told us that for our big film club project we would be producing our very own project. We were also told that we would be split into groups of three, but would be allowed to work on our own if we wished to. Allow me to explain some things peeps. You see; at the end of each term; film club has one HUGE project to do. It's usually to create your own independent movie. The movies are then viewed over the course of the week by us and the fellow after school clubs. Mr Panda then went on to tell us that our product could be about anything. A movie, a small sketch, and even a video game if we have the skills to pay the bills. After saying that, Mr Panda laughed heavily for a good two hours before dismissing the class.
My friends and I for the next few days debated on what our project would be about. "We could make it about car insurance." Brian suggested as Fritz responded with, "what about PG Tips?" This caused Fatchurd to slap Fritz with his belly. I must admit I was also curious as to what ole Edmund Balthazar was planning. As when Mr Panda announced the project, Edmund pulled a very cheesy face. He must be plotting something sinister either that or he was constipated.
One month and eleven days later, all of the after school clubs including the film club had met up in the assembly hall. Mr Panda stood on the stage and said, "ladies and gentlemen; today is such an exciting day. Today we are viewing all of the projects made my film club." Mr Panda then turned his attention to his teaching aide Gabriel Mountain and said, "Mountain bring in the films." Gabriel nodded and headed inside the backroom located behind the stage to grab the films. I should also mention that my headteacher Dr Crabblesnitch was also present and sat at the very front next to an incredibly awkward and smelly kid who doesn't talk but sure can bark. Ha! Gabriel Mountain then came back pushing a massive shopping cart towards Mr Panda which contained all of our movies. "Right then." Mr Panda said as he pulled out the first movie with his paws. "The first one is by Maxwell Jones, Richard Fatchurd, Fritz, and Brian The Robot." The movie was then put into a nearby DVD player.
We had decided to make our movie all about us breaking into a house. We used my grandparents' house as the set for the film even though my grandpa was strongly against me filming anything in the house. At the end of the film, me and my friends are chased down the road by my grandma who tries her best to shoot us with a shotgun. Yes my grandma owns a shotgun because of a little incident known as the Great Robbery of 42. It's quite a sad story peeps but I ain't got time for that now! After our film ended, Mr Panda and Mountain went some of the other shorter movies.
One was made by some girls in our class, and it was all about how to apply makeup to a fishy taco. Ew gross! Another student made a film about the history of disco balls. It was so ducking boring it put everyone to sleep. I'm not even joking peeps. Even Dr Crabblesnitch fell asleep! Seriously that's how boring it was. Mr Panda then announced that the last project viewed today would be from Edmund Balthazar. Edmund who was sitting right next to me began shaking and fidgeting violently in excitement. He was so excited for us to finally see his big project. He put have much so much effort into it. Little did I know how right I was.
Edmund was called up to the stage, and carried his backpack with him. Arriving on the stage, Edmund then proceeded to reach inside his backpack and pulled a PlayStation 2. He placed the console onto the table, and then pulled a large deck chair from the bag as well as two bags of Doritos and a bottle of Mountain Dew. Edmund had Gabriel Mountain place his project into the ps2. While setting up, Edmund gave me a wink which made my shiver. The project then began playing. To my surprise, it was Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas; but according to Edmund; he had changed a lot of things.
GTA San Andreas is one of the best games ever made in all honesty. Most people view it to be the best game in the franchise and I would have to agree on that one peeps. It tells the story of Grove Street gangster Carl Johnson who goes from gangbanger to successful businessman in an incredibly long but detailed story which spans three different cities across the state of San Andreas. "I say Sir would you like a spot of tea?" Fritz asked as he handed Fatchurd a glass of icy black wine. "What are you a dance judge? Take a walk around the neighbourhood make sure everything is cool!" Fatchurd barked as Fritz did as he was told, and left the hall to go on an adventure.
Sorry about that massive tangent; anyways the game started with the opening cutscene to the mission; "Big Smoke." The mission was unique in the sense that the roles were swapped. CJ was playing Big Smoke's part and vice versa. "Smoke? Oh my dawg!" CJ proclaimed as he pulled in Big Smoke for a hug. Also, Big Smoke looked even fatter than normal if it was even possible, and CJ's face looked deformed and kind of looked it was melting off. Ew gross! Buy my merch. I apologize for that peeps.
Big Smoke and CJ then arrived at the graveyard where they met up with Ryder, Sweet, and Kendl. The cutscene played like normal for awhile with Sweet having an intense go at CJ for spending five years in Liberty City and forgetting all about Grove Street. However things began to turn weird, when CJ, Ryder, Sweet, and Big Smoke were attacked by the Ballas. Well for starters, they weren't Ballas they were actually Men of the Cloth who said, "charge their doings to them not us!" "Oh my lord!" Smoke cried as the Men of the Cloth began dancing to terrible Dub Step music. The four men then made their way back to Grove Street all the while being shot at by the Men of the Cloth.
The next mission, "Ryder," was completely wrong. When CJ and Ryder arrived at The Well Stacked Pizza Co. The employee grabbed a shotgun like normal but this time actually succeeded in killing Ryder. CJ fell to his knees and cried, "Ryder! My dear sweet Ryder!" Ryder grabbed CJ's head and asked, "man are you a buster?" Ryder then DIED! A massive funeral was held, and after that an after party was thrown over at Sweet's place. A lot of people attended the party including Frank Tenpenny, Eddie Polaski, Jimmy Hernandez, T Bone Mendez, and even Snoopy Snoopy Dog Dog. Ha! "He should have been bishop!" Tenpenny cried as he began violently sobbing onto Big Smoke's shoulder. Meanwhile, CJ was shown sitting in the kitchen reacting to Fortnite lets plays.
With Ryder dead, CJ was unable to take any more missions from him but was still able to take missions from Sweet and Big Smoke. This is when I should mention something important peeps. For that point onward, CJ kept changing from being well CJ to being a bunch of different characters. One minute he was Shrek and the next he was Woody from Toy Story. Also, CJ was constantly talking and saying random things out loud such as, "move your hip to the rhythm of the beat!" It was very loud too and nearly made my ears fall off because of how fricking loud it was! I wish I was joking. Also, I had begun to notice that Brian was filming the entire thing with his inbuilt camera eyes. I decided not to dwell on it. Although, looking back, maybe I should have. Foreshadowing. Ha!
Eventually, CJ was able to take the first mission for Cesar Vialpando who didn't look right. He had a huge bald head and had a large evil grin which spread across his entire face. "Hey holmes nice ride!" Cesar said in a very scary voice. It could not have been real. It sounded like Darth Vader if Darth Vader has asthma. I was nearly sick. Oh no! The race between CJ and Cesar in the lowriders was also not correct. For example, CJ's car kept swaying violently from left to right. Even though, Mr Panda who was playing the game didn't win the race he still somehow ended up passing the mission. "You had better take over from here son." Mr Panda said as he handed Edmund the controller.
CJ then got a phone call from an unknown caller who said, "come here quickly!" So, CJ made his way to the Doughnut Shop where he met a man selling ice cream. The man sold CJ a massive ice cream cone and asked, "so what do you think?" "Well what do I owe you?" CJ asked. "Nothing it's free!" The man said happily as weird music began to play in the background. "FREE!?" CJ proclaimed at the very top of his lungs. The proclamation was so loud it woke Dr Crabblesnitch up. Crabblesnitch had somehow slept through the entire first twenty minutes of gameplay. Tenpenny then hopped up onto the table who was now being played by an actual penny. What the actual duck!? Tenpenny then ordered CJ to buy him a latte from Starbucks. So the rest of the mission just had CJ buying a latte from Starbucks and handed it over to Tenpenny under a bridge over in Montgomery which didn't even exist in the main game.
CJ eventually reached the mission; "Wrong Side of The Tracks." Widely regarded among the GTA fandom as being of the hardest missions in the entire series, it was no wonder that it took nearly two and a half hours for Edmund to finish it. I found this odd since Edmund was the one who made the game, and yet he couldn't even play his own level? Also, the people Big Smoke was shooting at on the train were not Vagos they were rodeo clowns who were dancing to really out of place disco music. Smoke just wouldn't aim his gun at the clowns, and just kept shooting off in the completely wrong direction. He even began shooting at the cars that he and CJ drove past. Eventually, Edmund was able to kill all of the clowns on the train as Smoke said, "hey let's go back home baby." Edmund made CJ and Smoke get onto the freeway where they ended up crashing into a truck which ended up killing Big Smoke instantly. Once again, somehow the mission passed even though Smoke died.
The next few missions went by like normal, until Edmund reached the mission; "The Green Sabre," which he told us was the final mission that he had modified for the game. The mission was not right in the slightest. The mission had CJ buying a radiator from Ammunition. Sweet then called CJ and asked, "you got the heater?" "Yep." CJ said as he rudely hung up on Sweet. CJ then made his way over to the Underpass where he saw that Sweet was getting ambushed by the Ballas who now looked like they should have done and weren't replaced by the Men of the Cloth. CJ helped Sweet and the other Grove Street family members fight back waves upon waves of Ballas. Then several LCPD officers appeared on the scene, and shot CJ down with their machine guns. CJ died instantly from the shots, and the officers took Sweet into custody. Sweet was taken to a prison up in Las Venturas the game cut to black.
The game then came back to show Sweet leaving the prison as white text appeared from under him. It read, "three years later." Richard Fatchurd began eating ten EXTRA large buckets of fried chicken appranately not phased whatsoever by the weird events in the game that had occurred so far. Sweet was then shown making out with Pennywise who stood on a nearby street corner selling grapes. "What the duck is wrong with this game!?" I yelled at the very top of my lungs. Mr Panda then turned his attention to me and asked, "something wrong Maxwell?" "Something wrong? What the fuck did you think you dumb piece of shit!?" I yelled angrily as I stormed my way down the stairs and hopped up onto the stage. I pushed Edmund out of the way and threw the controller into my hands. Now was my time to shine.
I then began entering a bunch of cheat codes into the game including some that Edmund had specially put into the game. The controls were fine for the most part apart from when I was flying a plane. It was so fricking janky. It was like GTA III and Vice City; flying. It was mind-numbing difficult to control, and Sweet would often be heard saying, "but I can't fly yet!" I then ended up accidentally crashing the plane onto the beach. So sad.
Sweet was then shown leaving the hospital when all of the sudden Squidward's face came on screen. "Eating apples Spongey Bob?" Squidward then began doing his trademark laugh. The game cut to show a clip of a fat fucking mole dancing to a song. "You're so yummy, yummy, yummy fat, fat, fat!" A man could then be hearing laughing evilly in the background before saying in a harsh voice, "get Moley on your phone!"
After the clip ended, as the game back to show Sweet hanging out with some weird woman who looked like a rat. "Come on Sweet take a smoke." The woman said as she handed Sweet a large cigar. "Well alright!" Sweet said as he smoking the cigar when all of the sudden, the door swung open as none other than Cool Cat came barging. "Oh no what should I do?" Cool Cat asked as the screen showed some options for me to pick. The options were Intervene or Go Home. Curious, I clicked on Intervene which led to Cool Cat pulling a fricking handgun and pointing right at Sweet. "Hey Sweet hey hello to my little friend!" Cool Cat laughed as he shot Sweet right in the face killing him instantly. It was a very emotional moment to say the very least. So emotional in fact; that even Mr Panda crying on Gabriel's shoulder. Ew gross!
Cool Cat then made his way over to B Dup's house where the pair had themselves a lovely salad. Daddy Derek was also there and began chatting with us. He began telling us about all of the Cool Cat books we could buy. "Now when you get them all together it's just like having a big ole stack of playing cards!" Daddy Derek proclaimed in his sickly strong southern accent.
From that point on, I was now playing as B Dup and I spawned a rhino tank into the game. I started going all around Los Santos and the nearby countryside destroying every single car and vehicle that I came across. For a brief moment, everything seemed to be going back to normal until I eventually ended up crashing inside an old bingo hall located in Whetstone. B Dup was then forced by the owners of the bingo hall to help them rebuild the bingo hall. B Dup looked at the screen and asked, "uh?"
The screen then cut to show an overview of the city of Los Santos as a massive nuke was dropped on it destroying it instantly. The blast also ended up destroying the nearby cities of San Fierro and Las Venturas. And with that, the game FINALLY ended and popped out of the ps2 by itself. Only joking peeps, I pressed the eject button on the console and put the case back inside of the case which smelt of waffles. Bad ones too.
Fritz then came into the hall accompanied by Prime Minister Rabe Maniels who said, "I got special work for you my boy!" He then pointed his mighty finger to Edmund and then said, "Johnny bring the sausage to me! He could prove useful in the grand scheme!" This so called Johnny then made his way up to the stage grabbed Edmund and twisting him violently. "Edmund!" I cried as I began shooting at Johnny with a shotgun our school kept lying on the floor in case of emergencies. Sadly, it had no effect as Johnny was wearing a bulletproof vest. "Come on Johnny we're leaving. Tonight's the night we take on The Shadow Reader." Rabe said as he and Johnny made their leave carrying Edmund in a large brown Morrisons bag. Dr Crabblesnitch then walked up onto the stage and announced that we could all go home while he sorted out this thing with Mr Panda and Gabriel Mountain.
Outside the main gate, I asked Richard Fatchurd what this game was all about. "It's best I don't tell you my friend." Fatchurd said as I responded with, "oh come on bro you bad can it possibly be?" Fatchurd sighed heavily before saying, "Maxwell it seems that Brian was not a robot of his word." "What do you mean?" I asked as Fatchurd responded with, "he was working for The Rabe Maniels Crime Syndicate. He filmed the entire exchange and emailed it over to Rabe Maniels and Johnny Buggerton." "The what syndicate?" I asked as I was busy playing Fortnite on my extremely expensive iPhone plus plus plus plus. Wow that's a whole lot of plus isn't it peeps?
Fatchurd and I then made our way out on the main street outside of the school where we saw Brian getting into a black car which had Rabe and Johnny Buggerton sitting in the front seats. "Confused dot com!" Brian could be singing as he made his way inside the car. The car then began speeding down the road, and Rabe Maniels waved at us as they drove past. "Where they headed?" I asked as Fatchurd responded with, "they're heading back to Maniels Media to discuss things over with Archie Colmyer and Joe Galtosino." "Who are all these characters?" I asked confused. "It's a really long story Maxwell." Fatchurd explained as he began eating a HUGE tub of cookie dough ice cream. A large blue limousine then pulled up beside us on the parking lot which had Fritz sitting in the front seat. "Sir we're needed back at the compound. Skyrunner's got his hands on a new DVD from Joey." "So long shrimp." Fatchurd laughed as he rudely shoved him into the bushes with his belly. Fatchurd then got into the car with Fritz as they made their way over to Bristol.
I had tried offering my services to Fatchurd and his associates; but he was having none of it and recommended that I start taking some lessons in friend making. What a crumb bum! I can't believe I ever liked that guy and his weird British friend. Good riddance I say! Also according to Fatchurd, him and his friends had way too much going on right now to even think about recruiting more people into their ranks. Sounds like a fucking excuse to me!
Snow began to violently pour onto the streets as I made my way back home. Arriving at home, I explained my story to the parents who refused to believe me. They had wanted me to be Protegent Man. Whatever that means. I eventually started going back to school and quietly forgot about the events of the game.
So there you have it peeps; that's the end of my story and I've got nothing left to say. To this day, I still wonder how Edmund made the game or what Rabe Maniels wanted with him? Also, who was this Shadow Reader that Rabe and his friend Johnny spoke about? Was he our salvation? I have no idea to be honest with you. Months have now passed since the incident, and I have not seen Fatchurd or Fritz since. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Fatchurd either. Hmm strange. Thankfully, this incident hasn't put me off GTA: San Andreas, and I still continue to play it at least twice every day. Who would have thought some simple fan made edits on a video game could cause so much hassle peeps?
Oh and before we conclude, this pasta was sponsored by Pimple Pete. Make sure to keep on pimple popping, and send some Shredded Wheat over to Hasbro or something. I don't even fricking know. So bye and don't forget peeps never say no to the NES and never say no to Pimple Pete. Hashtag Pimple Pete 4 Life!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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