Haloween

You remember the Atari 2600? Ever heard of those Wizard Video games? In 1983, they made Halloween and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Today I went to a Flea Market at the fairgrounds and found a copy of Halloween, but it was a blank cartridge with "Haloween" on it. Not printing labels saved money, sure, but they could've spell 8checked. I bought it for $20, surprised, because these usually go for $300. So I go home to play it on my trusty "heavy-sixer." I pop it in, turn it on and hit reset. I see the interior of a two-story house and I control Lorrie Strode, making her walk to the edge of the screen. But she moves amazingly slow. Then the Halloween Theme Song plays as Michael Myers comes on screen, moving ridiculously fast and he cuts my head off. I run off screen with blood spurting from my neck. "What the fuck?" I ask. "Is this a hack?" I try to turn back and exit this room, but find myself trapped. Michael then runs on screen and cuts my head off. Since it's my last life, I decide to fight back. Luckily, I run into the room with the knife. So I pick it up and wait for Michael. I don't have to wait long. He runs in and right as he makes contact with me, I stab him. I must have pressed too late, because I run to the edge of the screen and it freezes. I figure this was a loss. But I am in the mood for Atari. I decide to play Jungle Hunt now. So I put it in and find Dudley hanging from a vine. But rather than the catchy Jungle Hunt tune, I'm greeted by the Halloween music that lasts 5 seconds.

After that, I'm just left wondering. I make it up to the part with the cannibals without anything weird happening, but then Michael slides on screen and hops around like a maniac, slahing his knife blindly in the air. He leaps onto my body and I die. Scared, I take it out and look at it. "What's going on here?" I ask aloud. Did Haloween infect my Atari? So I decide to play Ghostbusters next. But on my 7800. Thank god for backwards compatability. So I turn it on, buy my items, and change the difficulty to leave the store. Next I go to a flashing building and hit the street in the Ecto-1. When I arrive at the building, I drop my trap, position my guys, and release their beams. But without any warning Michael runs on screen and kills both of my guys. It flashes back to the map screen and now the Halloween music has replaced the Ghostbusters theme, all the buildings are flashing and, what's worse, all of them are being non-stop stomped by a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Scared, I rip the game out. I stare at it and Haloween side by side with widening eyes. "What the fuck?" I'm seriously scared at this point. But I realize this would make a great internet story. The most I can do though, is get a refund.

So I go back to the Flea Market and find the seller's table. But he's gone. His stuff is still there, but not him. I figure he's out taking a smoking break or something.There's still a banner on the front of the table that says Yesteryear Gaming on it. I go out to the parking lot and find his van that says Yesteryear Gaming on the side of it. I tap the glass to see if he's in there, but, finding it empty, I open the door and start to look for $20.

Then I figure I can be an asshole and sell this hack for lots of money on Ebay. I get home and go down to my basement/gaming room. "Why not play it one more time?" I ask myself. "It can't mess up my Atari anymore than it already has, can it?"

Then I walk over to my 2600 and get Haloween plugged in. I'm ready to play the game. I grab the joystick. I flick on the Atari and begin to play. So I still move like a slug, but Michael is nowhere to be found. I literally search every room in the house and give him enough time to show up. But all of a sudden the music starts up and I'm stuck in one room. "Where is he?" I ask aloud. It never happens. I'm still stuck in that room and nothing ever happened.

I take it out and go to my computer. I bring up Ebay and start building a page for it.

About a day later, a bidding war has started and I decide to bubble-wrap Haloween and box it up. I put the winner's address on the box and mail it. That piece of shit is out of my life for good.

About a week later I get it back in the mail. I said no refunds and the person never asked for his $200 back, but still, it's on my doorstep. I don't know what to do, so I just put it on my game shelf. I never touched it again. My eyes will still run over it when I'm looking for a game, but that unholy creation is never to be played.

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