Hank Hill's True Madness
I've always loved King of the Hill in fact it's my favourite show of all time. I watch it all the time. I watch it during sick days from work, I watch it during the holidays from work, and even watch it while at work which greatly angers my boss Richard Bagg. Richard Bagg was once a pre-medical student who lost his dreams of medical school and was forced to take a job running a propane company. Yes I sell propane just like my idol Hank Hill.
My love for King of the Hill far exceeds my love for everything else in my life including my family and friends. As well as my lover Desmand Noes who is a scarecrow. Just don't ask. I mean seriously don't ask or else I'll shove this pine cone up your ass. Anyways, even though I sell propane my dream is to one day become a world famous musician just like my idol Kelpy G. I once went to one of his concerts when he sang, "don't go breaking my heart."
The worst thing about selling propane was because of all the competition our company was facing with a rival company known as Dodo Incorporated which is run by none other than Colonel Dodo. Yes Colonel Dodo with the horrible hearing and craving for chips. He somehow runs an incredibly successful gas company and makes around $100,000,000,000,000 a year.
Richard Bagg and Dodo are bitter rivals and it was Dodo who ruined Richard's chance of going to medical school by giving him an incredibly smelly milkshake before the big entrance exam and interview with some alumni who were being paid by Mr O'Hare to keep their mouth shut. Anyways, Richard has sent me time and time again to spy on Dodo's operations and see if he does anything different when it comes to selling his gas compared to us but I haven't been able to get any results.
Now Colonel Dodo is also fully aware of my love for King of the Hill and recently lent me a DVD of the show to watch. He claimed that the DVD contained a never before seen episode of the show. Sadly, this episode ended up changing my life for the better and for the worse in more ways than one. Here is my story.
It all happened about three months ago. I had just gotten the DVD from Colonel Dodo and was heading back to my house to watch it. I live in a super mansion like some kind of Scrooge McDuck. Ha only joking I wish. I actually live in a small yacht in the middle of a river which stinks of rat piss and cheese. My neighbours all hate me because I watch King of the Hill with the volume turned up to 100 every single day and every single night. This has led to me getting multiple noise complaints in the past as well as threats from the Faustin Crime Family who supply the yachts. However so far nothing has come of the complaints.
Arriving at my yacht, I waved a hello to my neighbour Mr Hinkle who owned the yacht next to me and he simply replied with, "fuck you." He's my friend if you couldn't already tell dear reader. I laughed and I entered my yacht and went inside the kitchen area where I made myself a cup of PG Tips. It tasted fricking disgusting as my water was rather pooey, No joke it was brown and it was very dangerous to drink but I do not give a fuck. No siree I don't.
After drinking my tea, I went into the living room area of the boat and looked the disc over. Dodo had not given me the case claiming that the disc did come with one. The disc was blander than Jeremey Iron's cereal and had nothing on it. I popped that sucker into my DVD player and it started.
The episode started with a brief cold opener which had the vegetable man talking to the screen. "Brother have you seen my vegetables?" The vegetable man asked even though he was already wearing them. He was likely high on toast an age old tactic taught to him by his grandfather. A fine man I might add. Anyways after this the clip then aprubtly ended and the theme song began to play.
Something was wrong. Well for starters Hank was farting violently and Bill looked sicker than Arthur Morgan. Also each of the four men pulled disgusted faces while taking sips from their beer cans. Also the montage never happened and the four just stood there unmoving. This made me feel rather uneasy but I brushed this off as a mad man's hysteria. I am part M&M after all. Also during the part where Hank's head appears in the circle and spins around it would just not stop spinning as Hark cried, "I'm think I'm gonna vomit!"
At title card then appeared and it read, "The True Madness of Hank Hill." I found this odd as King of the Hill never had title card but I brushed this off. Anyways the episode started with Hank sitting at his kitchen table making a sandwich. He held the sandwich up to the screen and had it poop all over it. "It's just shit it's not gonna kill you!" Hank laughed evily. He laughed like this for a good ten hours. Believe me I checked my watch.
The episode then cut to Hank having a beer outside with Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer. Only Boomhauer actually spoke normally and I could understand him perfectly. Also Hank looked angry. I mean proper angry. His face was redder than the Chief of Pasta City. Peggy then came up to Hank and said, "Hank please help me get the groceries out of the car." This caused Hank to yell, "shut the hell up!" He then proceeded to hit Peggy in the chest and laughed as she fell to the ground in pain. "Hank what are the heck are you doing?" Dale asked as Hank then turned his attention to his three friends. "You better run better run outrun my gun." Hank sang as he pulled out an AK 47. "Oh dang man we better run!" Boomhauer cried as he, Bill, and Dale all ran down the street with Hank chasing them down in his car.
Boomhauer ended up getting run over and killed by Hank meanwhile Dale and Bill reached Mega Lo Mart and hide inside the store. Hank hissed at the sight of the store and refused to follow Dale and Bill inside even though it would be very easy for him to do so. With that Hank returned home only to find a large group of police officers waiting for him led by Raymond Mak. "You're coming with us Mr Hill." Mak said as Hank yelled, "you'll never take me alive!" Hank attempted to charge towards Raymond only to get knocked out by fellow officer Noel Jones. Old Jones had a real hard on for Raymond but then again everybody loves Raymond get it? Oh shut up I know you do. I can see that look on your face.
The screen then transitioned to show Hank inside a jail cell mumbling things under his breath. He was then given his new cellmate who was none other than Buck Strickland himself. "Buck what are you doing here?" Hank asked as Strickland proceeded to explain that Strickland Propane was a sham all along and he was getting his gas from Mega Lo Mart all along. When Strickland asked Hank why he attacked Peggy and murdered Boomhauer, Hank proceeded to explain that Peggy had become quite cosy with his neighbour and arch nemesis Kahn Souphanousinphone. He also learned from Luanne whom had recently gotten a job at Mega Lo Mart that Boomhauer was getting his gas from them all the time. This act of betrayal from Boomhauer was unforgiveable in Hank's mind which is why he had to kill him. This was also why he had not followed Dale and Bill into the store.
Strickland then said, "we gotta get out of here Hank." "Not this time old man." Hank said as he proceeded to shoot Strickland in the chest with a handgun he had somehow smuggled into the prison. Hank then proceeded to summon the Genie from Aladdin who helped Hank teleport back to his house.
Arriving back at the house, Hank went into his garage and pulled out several large cans of kerosene. "Dad what are you doing?" Bobby asked and Hank then pointed at him and said, "this is a bitch." Hank allowed Bobby to accompany him to Mega Lo Mart where Hank's ultimate revenge would be taking place. While driving towards the store, Hank laughed evilly to himself.
Suddenly the episode cut to a brief clip of Sylvester Stallone talking about a new movie he was planning on making. "Picture this: I play an undercover agent of Warburton's Bread and have go undercover inside Kingsmill HQ." It then showed Stallone trying to act undercover and gain information on Kingsmill's recipes and any sinister squidy secrets they may have up their sleeves. Then another clip came on screen which showed Uncle Captain Blue drinking blood. Yeah actual blood because he has a serious problem. Send Dr Phil and his camera crew down here pronto!
So after that the episode FINALLY came back to show Hank and Bobby arriving at the Mega Lo Mart with Hank removing the cans of kerosene from the trunk of his car. "This is it boy you ready for this?" Hank asked as Bobby simply replied with, "I like cookie dough too Dad." Hank and Bobby began pouring kerosene all around the building and Louanne took notice. "Uncle Hank what are you doing?" Louanne asked as Hank threw a brick at her knocking her out. "Phew that was close." Hank sighed as he and Bobby finished pouring kerosene onto the floor of the mart.
At that moment, Dale and Bill showed up carrying shotguns. "Hank!" Dane yelled angrily before continuing with, "you killed Boomhauer and now we're gonna kill you too!" "Not today!" Hank yelled as he threw a lit lighter at the store causing it to go up in flames. "No not Mega Lo Mart!" Bill cried as Hank said to Bobby, "now we deal with Kahn."
Dale and Bill were so emotional over Mega Lo Mart's destruction that they failed to notice Hank and Bobby fleeing the scene in their car. Arriving at Kahn's house, Hank produced some Molotov cocktails from thin air and used them to set fire to the house killing Kahn and only Kahn because his family were on holiday in Las Vegas. A holiday which Hank himself had paid for in order to get them out of the house. Kahn had fallen ill on the night before the flight due to Hank spiking his food with ass sauce.
With Kahn dead, Hank began dancing and returned home grabbing a beer to celebrate. His celebration was cut short when Hank heard a knock at the door. Opening the door, he was confronted by Dale and Bill who said, "first Boomhauer and now Kahn. When does it stop Hank? After you've killed the President?" Dale asked. "Of course not! It's over now." Hank said as Dale and Bill made their way inside the house. Hank sat down in the living room with Dale and Bill before saying, "I killed Boomhauer and Strickland and Kahn and burnt down Mega Lo Mart but I have my reasons. They were all not using propane. Turns out Strickland Propane was a sham all along. I should of seen it sooner."
Dale proceeded to light himself a cigarette before saying, "wait a minute I got a wife!" "What?" Hank asked as Dale proceeded to run into Hank's garage. "What is he doing?" Hank asked as he got up from the sofa and followed Dale into the garage where he saw Dale stealing his lawnmower once again. Dale proceeded to drive the lawnmower down the streets with Hank jumping on top of Bill's shoulders. "After him!" Hank yelled as Bill responded with, "oh okay." Bill and Hank chased Dale down the streets until Dale was ran over by a bus killing him and destroying Hank's lawnmower in the process. Hank simply shrugged before saying, "eh whatever I can always buy another one."
Hank then invited Bill around for dinner and Bill smiled an incredibly cheesy smile. This time there was dinner for ole Bill and he was going to enjoy it. With that the episode ended with the normal credits. I took the disc out of the DVD player and then proceeded to eat it like a doughnut as I was very hungry. I had not eaten anything all day after all.
That episode offended me in more ways than I can possibly tell you. I then proceeded to ride my yacht towards Dodo Incorporated crashing into a massive ferry owned by a smelly sea captain in the process. "Hey sailor!" The captain sang as he began dancing like a mad man. It was so painfully cringey that I actually vomited for a good ten minutes. Well it was more like a eleven minutes but whatever. The point's the same.
Arriving at Dodo Incorporated, I proceeded to light the entire building on fire with the use of some handy dandy kerosene. I then proceeded to drive down the street to Dodo's boat. It was the finest boat on the whole river as Mr Toad once said. I proceeded to throw some Molotov cocktails at the boat lighting it on fire. Colonel Dodo was not killed in either fires as he was out of town on a conference call with his accountant Captain Hook and first mate Henry Albatross. Also, Captain Kiddie an old friend of Dodo had attempted to stop me from burning down the house. When I burnt the house down, Kiddie yelled, "oh great waffling waffles!" He blew his mighty whistle before chasing after the local doctor who was riding down the streets on an ice cream cart. I shook this off and proceeded to head home.
Arriving back at my yacht, I felt nothing but guilt over what I had just done. I looked in the mirror at my guilt ridden face. That's when I realised something. I was... I was... I was Hank Hill the entire time! He was me and I am he. I gagged violently as I heard the bathroom door of my yacht open as an all too familiar voice said, "time's up Hank." I turned around and came face to face with none other than Dale Gribble. I sighed as Dale pulled out a large rolling pin. I was in for a long night.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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