How Jeff the Killer Got His Groove Back - A Parody That Probably Shouldn't be Read by Anyone: Difference between revisions

The crowd remained mostly silent as a couple of people could be heard clearing their throats. Still in his seat, Jeff whispered angrily to his assistant Janet sitting next to him. "I can't believe I lost to this moron last year!"

 

 

 

Electric Sandy took over from there. "Mike the Murder for the Huntington Beach garrote-a-thon." Pictures of several dead beachgoers, with ligature marks spread across their throats, flashed on the screen behind them.

Jeff made a talk-to-the-hand gesture as he turned his attention back to the stage.

 

 

Jeff slapped his palm to his forehead. "Oh my God how stupid is that?"

Sandy kept reading. "And our last nominee certainly needs no introduction, it's Jeff the Killer, nominated to the Alpha Kappa Chi Lambda sorority house slashing." The screen flashed images of dead sorority girls spread throughout their house. Jeff smiled widely.

 

 

Jeff stood up.

 

 

Jeff sat back down, with an intense look of disbelief slowly oozing down his face.

"What do you mean, Mort? Are you serious?"

 

 

Mort's words cut deeper than any knife ever could have. Jeff opened his mouth to argue, but in the end he knew Morty was only being honest with him. "Yeah Mort, I guess you're right." He ended the call and let the phone fall to the floor of the car.

Jaqueline eyed the large knife in Jeff's hand. "Oh my God!" she squealed gleefully. "Are you going to kill me? That would be so AWESOME!"

 

 

Jaqueline's smile faded. "But Jeff, I'm such a huge fan of yours. That's why I moved next door to you. I was hoping that one day I might become part of your life, or maybe you might kill me. I been waiting for this day for so long. I've just been too shy to approach you!"

Jeff glanced down at Jaqueline as she took her remaining breaths. "Oh yeah, uh go to sleep or something like that."

 

 

"What a mess," Jeff said. "Jar Jar!" he yelled to the other room. "Get in here and clean this crap up."

The director of the commercial looked at the scene in front of him and decided everything was ready to go. "And action!" he said.

 

 

While Jeff continued to extoll the virtues of Dr. Blake, Janet and Jar Jar stood off in the background. "He doessa commercials for a Dentist?" Jar Jar whispered.

"And action!"

 

 

Janet continued to whisper to Jar Jar. "Apple, Disney, Sony – he did endorsements for all of them, but after a while, the big companies just stopped calling. I mean, why pay Jeff when Electric Sandy is available at half the price? I do my best to keep Jeff's spirits up, but I'm starting to think that maybe he's right." She looked at the once-glorious killer in front of her, a former Nike spokesperson now pitching local businesses in late-night TV ads.

Suddenly, Janet's phone rang. "It's a Zoom call," she said as she looked at the screen. "Oh my God, it's HIM!"

 

 

"I'm going to patch it through to the TV."

Janet surveyed paradise. "Yeah it is pretty nice out here and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?" She pointed desperately to a spot on the water right behind Slenderman.

 

 

Both Jeff and Janet waved their hands frantically, trying their best to get Slendy to turn around and see the shark that was rapidly closing in on him. Slendy, who was too far away to understand their yells, simply waved back and made a "hang loose" sign with his hand.

Janet closed her eyes and looked away as the shark breached the water only a couple of feet behind Slenderman, who turned around only when it was too late. The shark landed on top of him with a heavy thud and knocked him off his board. From the shore, the three friends heard something they never thought that they'd never, ever here – Slenderman screaming. The scream, which could best be described as a cross between a crying three-year-old and a squealing pig, sounded out across the water as Slenderman struggled to extract himself from the jaws of the shark. "Ayyeeeeee, don't let it eat meeeee!" he screamed in vain. The shark munched down on the six-time recipient of the Killer-of-the-Year award, quickly reducing him to a slick patch of chum floating on the surface of the water. When it was done with its meal, the shark gave a quick burp and disappeared under the surface of the water.

 

 

"See?" Jeff asked. "What about hear? He sounded like a school child in distress. I didn't even know he could talk."

"Yes, I'm aware of that," Jeff said. "So anyway, just take a few minutes to write about your feelings. I uh.. have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Jeff swam over to the side of the giant pot and pulled himself over the edge. He used the ladder to get to the ground. As soon as he was down, Janet ran over to him and handed him a lighter, which he quickly used to set the wood on fire.

 

 

She wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. Meanwhile Jeff headed to the back entrance of his warehouse, where Crybaby's arrival was imminent. He quickly dried himself off and changed into his signature outfit. Just as he was finishing, he heard Crybaby come up behind him. "Uh, I got a text that you wanted to see me?"

Jeff sat stoically in the audience as Sandy opened the envelope.

 

 

Sparse applause greeted the announcement. Indeed, with so many people dead from the nuclear strikes, the pavilion was at only a quarter capacity. Kim Jung Un stood from his seat and walked to the podium to accept his award. Each individual step he took could be heard in the large, echo-prone auditorium.

"Let's get out of here," Jeff said to Janet and Jar Jar as he stood up and began walking out.

 

 

Janet softly stroked Jeff's arm. "I'm sorry Jeff. They're all a bunch of idiots. We all know who the best killer is."

[[Category:Loads of Characters]]

[[Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS]]

{{Comments}}