I'm fucking terrified of executable files

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Ever since a friend introduced me to Sonic.EXE I've been fucking terrified of executable files. The mere idea of taking Sonic's sprite and lazily making his eyes black and red in MS Paint has given me sleepless nights for months, just seeing the sight of BLOOD from a paper cut will remind me of the story and make me shit my pants, and the ringing of the words "HYPER-REALISTIC" in my head never stopped.

But I didn't realise this terror had infected more than just Sonic. After mustering up the courage to research Sonic.EXE further, I discovered Windows applications used to be called executable files... and my entire PC was filled to the brim with them. Left and right I started deleting them in hopes of stopping the evil of .EXEs from getting me. But they were fighting back. As I was deleting them my PC began randomly rebooting with a giant blue :( face. If only I actually had that emotion instead of fear. I knew it wouldn't be long before this also gained crudely drawn black eyes with HYPER-REALISTIC blood if I didn't stop. But I could only make it so far before I collapsed out of exhaustion.

When I woke up, I found out my parents called a computer repairman around to try and deal with how badly I fucked up the family computer. But I didn't trust him. If he knew anything about executable files there was a chance he was in league with Sonic.EXE himself. I went to spy on every single action he would do on the PC, but the true horror would show itself quickly. He opened File Explorer, went to View, and then checked... File name extensions?!?!

The life left my eyes when I saw that that every file on the computer had something like .exe hanging off it like a leech. .txt?! .pdf?! .jpeg?!?! The thought of something like a Sonic.MP3 existing made my skin crawl. It wasn't long before I was sent to my room for destroying the family PC by beating it over the head of the repairman until he was reduced to a pulp.

Hours later the """friend""" who showed me Sonic.EXE in the first place came into my room. "Heard you weren't feeling great." I spat in his face. "Geez, all I wanted to do give you one of my Game Boy Advance games!" That gave me the tiniest dose of relief. There was no way file extensions or Sonic could be on a Nintendo console.

He pulled out his GBA to show me the game: Megaman Battle Network. Little did I know, him showing me the game and explaining how it played was all a ruse to lower my guard. When he paused the game, the screen had text showing the true identity of the game: Megaman.EXE. Through terror-induced adrenaline alone, I grabbed the GBA link cable and used it to strangle this agent of Satan before it was too late.

The police arrived shortly. Naturally those stupid pigs didn't believe my story, and they locked me in a padded cell. But it's okay. This is the one place where I am truly safe from the demons who wear the guise of "file extensions". If only you could say the same.

Written by Yoshiatom
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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