I've Bought Protegent, I Don't Recommend It
Author's note: This story is a purely fictional funnypasta and is therefore not intended to be taken seriously whatsoever. With that being said, I hope you enjoy. Also, please make sure to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comment section down below.
This isn't a very easy story for me to tell. In fact it's making me angry just thinking about it. However, I feel more inclined than ever to tell you about this. Before I begin, I recommend grabbing a box of tissues and something to eat. You'll need a full stomach to be able to digest this story I assure you. Also, make sure you tie your shoes so you'll be able to run away once you've finished. You'll soon find out why I'm telling you this.
Three years ago,, I was browsing on Google looking at weird pictures of Karl Pilkington marrying a can of soup. You know stuff that most people look up on a day to day basis. Anyway, after awhile, I clicked on one of the photos which led me to a proper dodgy looking website. The website was called; "Bikes For Mikes."
There was a small video in the centre of the screen so I clicked on it only to get treated to a video of a fat hairy biker yelling at me for no reason. "Road rage here boys! For just $90 you can get yourself a motorbike from Hudge's Motorbike Emporium. Buy it now cause I'm pissed off!" The biker yelled for what seemed like hours when in reality it was only fifteen seconds. I decided that I had enough and tried to click off but I couldn't! I couldn't even stop the video or turn off my computer. I tried pressing the off button but it had no effect. I was getting pissed. Suddenly, the video cut to show the Red M&M beating the snot out of a poor man who looked like a carpet. The Yellow M&M stared at the screen before saying. "you know something? That candy really amazes me!" This is when the computer crashed completely.
I was furious. I had to get some work done or else my boss Mr Parks will feed me to the shark that he keeps in an underground bunker in Soho. Now what annoyed me the most was the fact that I actually had an anti virus software program installed on my computer. It was meant to save my computer in situations like this. "Oops my system crashed but I had an anti virus!" I cried in despair. That's when he arrived in a cloud of smoke. The person who has been tormenting me for the last three years. It was uh drum roll please it was... it was... it was Protegent Man!
Protagent Man landed in front of me and said, "Anti virus is not enough you need Protegent. The world's leading anti virus software!" He then continued with, "Protagent is a virus." Then without warning, Protegent Man climbed inside my monitor as horrifying things began to happen. The computer started making horrible noises. It sounded like someone jamming a paper shredder before pouring coffee into it. The screen on my monitor meanwhile had become just a jumble of colours. An incredibly angry fisherman's face then came on screen and yelled, "oh wait till I get you short man! Wait till I get my little foot up your arse!"
Then the Protegent Man came on screen and was shown dancing with a weird bee bear hybrid thing. The hybrid had a nasty voice it sounded almost demonic like. "I'm a I'm a bee bear!" I ended up throwing a spear through the screen breaking it instantly. Where did I get the spear from? Well my friends that is sadly a story for another day. It's quite a funny story actually involving some paintballing but there's no time for that now. Now I was lucky enough to have some money saved up in my account which I then used to buy myself a new monitor as well as a new computer as I didn't want any trace of Protagen Man leaking into this monitor as well. This computer was even faster and better than my old one. Sadly old habits die hard as they say in Germany as I ended up going back onto that dodgy website which of course led to my system crashing once again.
The day after my system crashed, me and my best friend and possible lover Harris were drinking in a bar as he tried his best to persuade me to buy Protegent. "Harris I've already told my feelings towards that brand of anti virus software." Harris was not taking no for an answer and offered to install Protegent onto my computer for free. I agreed just so Harris would shut up cause quite frankly he was rather annoying son of a gun. Yes his father was a gun. So sad. So Harris installed Protagent on my computer and for a few minutes everything seemed to be going fine. That is of course until a flash of smoke appeared from behind me. It was Protagent Man back at it again! "Anti virus is not enough you need Protegent!" Protegent Man proclaimed happily as I muttered, "but I thought Protagent was a virus."
Harris came in holding an Ak47 and said, "put your hands where I can see them Protegent Man." "You need to die!" Protegent Man proclaimed as he made a large pit of spiders appear magically. Big ones too. Harris was a serious arachnophobe so he ended up making a break for my front door only to have the spiders swarm on top of him. "Get them off get them off!" Harris muttered as he was consumed in a river of spiders. "Harris!" I cried at the top of my lungs as I grabbed Harris' AK47 and started shooting at Protegent Man but it had no effect. "Protagent Man is invisible!" Protegent Man proclaimed as once again he went inside my monitor completely destroying it in the process.
Every time I bought a computer the same thing would happen regardless of if I had a virus or not. "Anti virus is not enough you need Protegent!" The Protegent Man would proclaim before he'd wreck another computer. I tried turning States and moving to Empire Bay. I got a job for a Taxi company but Protegent Man was not far behind me. The night after moving, I got into bed only to find Protegent Man was in there waiting for me. "Anti virus is not enough you need...." "No!" I cried before jumping out of my bedroom window. The fall would have killed me but Protagent Man saved me in the nick of time. "Oh for goodness sakes!" I cried as the Protegent Man responded with, "you need Protegent." I didn't need Protegent I needed help.
I stated going to therapy even though my therapist is corrupt and demands to be paid over $9000 a session. "I just can't get it out of my life!" I confessed as my therapist said in a cold dark voice, "Richard you need Protegent." "What did you just say?" I asked before turning around to see that the therapist was really Protegent Man in disguise the entire time. Funnily enough I actually tried calling the police for assistance in the matter only for the same thing to happen. Protegent Man was the policeman in disguise and then began his usual speech about Protagent.
I was getting desperate and tried moving again. I moved to Croydon where I got a job at Big Pete's Christmas Tree Lot. Big Pete makes a lot of money from a dodgy side business he's got going on with Santa Clause who supplies him with free Christmas trees in exchange for a sneaky cut of the profits made from the sales of the trees. For awhile everything was going well I was even promoted to Pete's right-hand man and accountant. I was even able to buy myself a new computer.
It was all going well until one day Big Pete told me to sell a tree to a man who had just arrived. I went up the man and said, "can I help you Sir?" I looked at a clipboard I was holding as the man said, "Anti virus is not enough you need Protegent!" "Fuck this!" I yelled as I grabbed a flame thrower from my ass and tried to set Protegent Man on fire. I chased him all around the lot while Big Pete tried to stop me. I ended up setting fire to the entire Christmas tree lot effectively putting Big Pete out of business for good. He'd have to go back to stealing soup from Mickey Mouse and the gang while they try to deliver the soup to Goofy who is suffering from a bad cold. But then again who cares about Big Pete anyway right? I for one certainly don't but then I can't speak for you can I dear reader?
When I got home that night; I found Protagent Man standing by my computer. "What do you want with me? Why can't you just leave me alone!?" Protegent Man pointed at me and said, "I'll never leave. You shouldn't have installed Protegent. Protegent is a virus." He then went on to destroy that computer as well because of course he fucking did. I tried jumping out the window again only for once again Protagent Man to save me.
I don't know what to do. Protegent Man just won't leave. A part of me as gotten use to him being there. I got a new job in a bank which smells of clams. I also discovered one day that my boss was really just Protegent Man in disguise. He followed me everywhere. Job interviews, dates, my own fucking wedding, and even my 100th birthday he was always there. Protegent never dies Protagent is always there. It's a virus and soon it will take you too.
Please don't ever install Protegent. If you've installed Protagent well then I'm sorry to say but it's far too late for you. Protegent Man will never leave your side. Every time you buy a new computer or laptop he'll go out of his way to destroy it. No matter how far you go he'll always get you in the end like he did with me and like he did with Harris. You can't even do yourself in cause Protegent Man will always save you. Even if you shoot yourself in the face he'll somehow be able to revive you. You're practically made immortal by that dreaded beast.
I never thought that one anti virus software could cause so much trouble. I should have turned down Harris when he offered to install it onto my computer. I should have said, "no." I should have ran away and caught a plane to Lost Heaven and settle my affairs. I should have done something else. I just hope that you don't follow in my footsteps by installing Protegent.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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