I Got a Strange Episode of Sesame Street Mailed to Me
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I used to love Sesame Street when i was a mere fetus, much like everyone else. I used to tune into it every single time it was on, loving the all the characters and songs and whatnot, it was the peak of my childhood. Yes, those were the days....
However, my views on this simple show meant for young children would be completely shattered (alongside several other things) one fateful day when i got that package...
It was a nice Saturday afternoon; i was browsing twitter, harassing stupid teenagers for liking things i disapproved of. I was about to whip my meat out and go wham one out to whatever filth peaked my interest at that moment, but then the doorbell rang. I got up and went to my front door, opened it, got on the floor, walked the dinosaur, and said hello to the mailman.
"Yo, uh, got a package for a Mr. Dongus Mcfuckfarts. Seems rather light."
I took the package off of his hands, signed some release form that i think was to absolve them of all responsibility if i got mailed a pipebomb, and went back inside to see what it was. I hadn't ordered anything online in quite some time, so i was pretty sure they got the wrong address. But no, that was clearly my address and name on the box, and by god, this was meant for me....
I opened the package up and inside was a small piece of paper. On the piece of paper, there was some small writing that said: "you need to know the truth. go to your bedroom."
"What the fuck?" i said aloud. Was someone stalking me? What the hell didn't i know? What was waiting for me on the bed? I hobbled over to that room, and on my bed i found another piece of paper saying "soon. go to the kitchen and open the freezer." After 3 hours of me walking around my house, i was lead to my office, and on my chair was a VHS tape and one last piece of paper that wrote:
"okay, enough trolling. you are worthy enough to learn who you really are. watch this, it has a million answers to your thousand questions. however, the content of this tape is not for the faint of heart. proceed with caution, and accept your fate.
-G"
I was tired, but all too curious to watch this tape and see what all the fuss was about. However, i didn't have anything to watch it with. However, as soon as i turned around, a VCR manifested behind me with yet another paper slip saying "oh sorry forgot you didn't have anything to play it on". I put down the hundreds of pieces of paper i was carrying and hooked it up to my TV, popped the tape in, got comfy, and started watching the tape that would change the course of human history as we know it.
The first thing i saw when the tape started up, to my surprise and confusion, was the intro to Sesame Street. It was the one they use nowadays, meaning this couldn't have been made too long ago. However, even though i hadn't watched the show in quite some time, i knew a few things were off about the intro. Everything was tinted a faint shade of red and looked decrepit, and not that many muppets were in there, only Big Bird and a few background characters here and there; plus, the music was clearly missing a few instruments. That, and i don't remember the Sesame Street sign directing you to Detroit.
After the intro was done with, the episode started proper. There was no title card, only a jump-cut to a shot of the street. Elmo and Cookie Monster than walked on screen.
"Oh, hi there!" Elmo said. "Elmo and Cookie Monster are going to play in the hackey-sack tournament today!"
"Oh boy, me can't wait to win all those cookies!" said Cookie Monster enthusiastically.
Elmo laughed and said "Well, Elmo's gonna go home and get ready. See you at 1 o'clock!" He then walked off towards his home, leaving the blue pastry-gobbling moron to his own devices.
However, just as Elmo left, a figure emerged from the background and approached Cookie Monster. That thing....
He had a mask on, was wearing a heavy black coat, some baggy brown pants that went down to his ankles, hiking boots, and gloves on; he looked like he was planning to go to Antartica. And his, voice, good god his voice. He spoke in a tone so gnarly that made me wince every time he opened his mouth. He then suddenly snatched poor Cookie Monster by the ass with one hand and covered his mouth with the other.
"YES... you shall make a MIGHTY fine first sacrifice!" The figure then ran into an alley, muffling the muppet's screams of helplessness with his arm. "Ehehehehe! Say, you've eaten quite a few cookies already haven't you? Well, how about some MILK to wash it down with, you stupid blue carpet rug!"
I was appalled when i heard those words, who the fuck would break into the set of a family-friendly show and violate one of the puppets dressed like the invisible man? The figure then unzipped his pants to reveal his girthy peenus weenus and shoved it inside Cookie Monster, making him scream "NOOOOOOOOOOO! HELP! HELP ME PLEASE!" His screams sounded nothing like his usual self, as if the actual actor was in pain.
The horrible scene lasted exactly 3 minutes and 17 seconds. When the figure said "Oooooh yeah, get ready to get my hot load, bitch ass COCK-ie monster!", he then thrusted so hard Cookie's eyes flew off and splattered onto the wall of the building they were next to. The camera then showed a hyper-realistic close-up of his splattered eyeballs on the wall; i nearly puked at the sight. The figure then dropped the blue soggy muppet's corpse and sighed in ecstasy. The camera then showed a hyper-realistic close-up of Cookie's body; i then puked on the floor.
"Aaaah, that was simply DIVINE! Now that i'm all greased up and ready to go, now my conquest can-"
"HUAAAAAAGH!" screamed a voice from the other end of the alleyway, which the camera then panned over to reveal it was Telly on his pogo stick, terrified at the scene before him. "I GOTTA TELL PEOPLE!" before he could pogo to safety, the masked figure dashed at Telly and kicked him off of his stick.
"Oh ho ho, think you can just run away from the likes of me? Please, you couldn't pogo to save your life! LITERALLY!" Before poor old Telly knew what hit him, the masketta man proceeded to get the pogo and jumped approximately 25.5437 feet into the air with it and landed smack-dab into Telly's mouth, severing Telly's entire body onto the stick when he landed. The figure then pogo'd out into the street using the crucified muppet, his erection flopping in the wind.
When he arrived in the middle of the street, he then shouted "ATTENTION! CITIZENS OF SESAME STREET! I AM YOUR DOOM INCARNATE! RESISTANCE AND RETREAT ARE FUTILE, SURRENDER TO YOUR FATES AND BE SPARED HELL ON EARTH! GAHAHAHAHA!" Shortly after he said that, Elmo came out of the building he lived in and stood in total awe of the masked figure and his mount. Before he could say anything, the figure pulled out a sawed-off shotgun and blew Elmo to mere flesh chunks on the ground. Several onlookers had gathered at this point, only to be blown apart similarly to Elmo.
"Oh god, someone call the police!" Abby Cadabby screamed out. The psychotic pogo-er looked her right in the eyes and said:
"Oh please, what the hell are some pigs gonna do to me? Give me a fuckin' parking ticket? GAHOHOHO!" The camera then panned over to show a very cross-looking Miss Piggy and a few other pigs dressed as cops. Miss Piggy appearing on Sesame Street? The rest i can kinda buy, but the Muppets appearing on modern Sesame Street? At that point, i knew something was truly wrong.
"Well, i NEVER! HI-YAH!" screamed Piggy as she struck the masked figure with an assault of karate punch blows. Her blows didn't seem to bother him all too much.
"Humph, you really think THAT'S enough to stop me, swine?" Miss Piggy threw another punch, but before it could connect, the figure blocked it, and in the blink of an eye, proceeded to snatch Piggy by her tiddies and then yanked them off at blinding speed! She wailed in pain, which sounded like an actual pig getting its flesh ripped off, plus what seemed to be real blood started flooding out from her chest. The masked man then faced away from the camera and slid his mask up, only to start squeezing the decapitated pig mammaries he still had in his hands, drinking the milk from them. "OOOOH, YEEEEES! I HAVE ATTAINED SUCH GREAT POWER! NOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING STANDS IN MY PATH!" the figure yelled in triumph.
What then happened next was a montage of him brutally murdering people while "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo played in the background. The first thing he did was barge into Hooper's Store and chug all the milk. Snuffy came out of the restroom, surprised at the milk thief.
"What the-" Snuffy got cut off when the masked man lunged at him at blinding speed, grabbing his trunk and started spinning him around just as fast.
"SO LONG, GAY SNUFFY!" he yelled with glee as he let go, causing the poor snuffaluffagus to fly off into Bert and Ernie's apartment window, killing all three in the process. The figure then produced grenades from his coat, and started chucking them without care. One even landed right in Oscar's trash can, which resulted in his mangled body flying right towards the camera.
"Sixty nine murder victims, ah ah ah!" said The Count, who was sucking the hyper-realistic blood from Elmo.
"SEVENTY!" yelled the masked figure, quickly ran up and kicked Count von Count in the groin until he fucking died from it. I was cringing the whole time, and him screaming "AAAH! TWOOOO! TWO LIQUIFIED TESTICLES! AIEEEEE!!" didn't help the matter at all.
At this point, i was at my wit's end. Seeing my childhood icons being slaughtered in the most gruesome and deprived ways one could imagine, it was the most godawful thing i'd ever lain my mortal eyes on (barring that time i was involuntarily subjected to the contents NikoAvacado's onlyfans). I had so many questions. Who created this tape? Why did they make it? What on god's green earth did they accomplish by making it, and how did this tape contain "the truth"? And most importantly, what was the letter of the day? For better or worse, i was shortly about to get my answers.
All of a sudden, a familiar voice called out behind the figure. "Stop right there, you cruel heathen!" It was none other than Grover, or rather, his alter ego Super Grover. "You have claimed one too many lives of my friends and neighbors! You're going down, straight to HELL where you belong!"
Grover mentioning hell? That might have shocked me when the tape started, but now it was pretty much par for the course at this point. Super Grover lunged at the masked man and began to brawl with him. I was certain Grover was going to die like all the others before him, but he managed to doge the figure's blows and hit him a few times. However, he got clocked in the head and fell on the ground before long. "HAHAHA! You thought you could kill me THAT easily? Well, you can at least die knowing you're the only one on this crummy little street that actually put up a fight! GAHAHAHA!"
Before the masked man could kill Grover, a giant yellow feathered fist flew into the back of his head, sending him flying forwards. Big Bird helped Grover off of the ground, then looked straight at the murderer, with a fire in his eyes. "You.. you bastard. You came here and killed everyone i ever loved! I'M GOING TO PERSONALLY SEND YOU STRAIGHT INTO SATAN'S ASSHOLE WHERE YOU BELONG!"
Super Grover and Big Bird then teamed up against the tyrannical masked man, and it went much better this time. Eventually, Big Bird got him in his grasp, and quickly put the figure in a position where he could powerbomb him. Big Bird then leapt as high into the air as he could (which was quite high, belive you me.), and with luck, they landed on the ground, seemingly killing the masked man. "It's over." Big Bird sighed with relief.
"Great job!" said Grover, waving his arms in the air enthusiastically. "Now, let's unmask this fiend and send him where he belongs once and for all!" The two flipped the figure over, and slowly undid and took off his mask.
And then a skeleton popped out, and all of hell's darkest evils with it.
"MUAHAHAHA! FOOLS! I HAVE CONSUMED ENOUGH CALCIUM TO BECOME A GOD! DO YOU TRULY THINK YOU CAN STACK UP TO ME?! TAKE THIS!" The skeleton shot out a blast of white energy that Grover and Big Bird narrowly dodged. The two of them engaged the skeleton the best they could, but all that milk proved too much for the two to handle. "SAY GOODNIGHT, PUNY MUPPETS!" shrieked the boner as he powered up his death beam, missing them but hitting Big Bird's home with the ray.
Big Bird looked over at the blast zone, his heart sank as he saw his favorite teddy bear, Radar, burning in the wreckage. At that moment, all of Big Bird's rage came to a peak, and he faced skywards and yelled at the top of his lungs in anger. Lightning struck down on him, immense quantities of energy flew around where he was standing, and Limp Biskit himself came out to sing Rollin' to help psyche the now Super Big Bird up to fight his skeleton oppressor. After around a minute of powering up, Big Bird was ready to fight. He looked the spooky scary skeleton straight in the eyes and said something in spanish i couldn't understand.
"Oh my, looks like this turkey's cooked himself! No matter, i can still squash your sorry ass into oblivion! HAHAHA!" the skeletal figure said as he lunged towards the sayian avian. However, moments before his fist could collide with Big Bird, he pulled the classic "teleports behind you" maneuver and struck the skeleton into the sky. Whilst the two of them battled, Grover took to the street to find any survivors and escort them to safety.
Super Big Bird proceeded to lay into the skeleton with all of his newfound might, and he utterly demolished him. After a few minutes of fighting, Big Bird raised his hands up to the heavens. He said something spanish again, and then his hands began pulsating violently. He clenched his fists, held them close to his head, and then flew to the figure at mach speeds, gripping his right hand into the eye sockets on the skeleton's skull. "TH-THE FORBIDDEN CALCIUM DRAIN TECHNIQUE?! NOOOOO!" shrieked the skeleton as Super Big Bird absorbed all of the ill-gotten milk from him, siphoning away all of his powers. When the last drop of milk was gone, Big Bird threw the skeleton away towards the sun, and began to charge his final judgement. He focused all of his hatred, will and calcium into the palms of his hands, and with a mighty "KAMEHAMEHAAAAAAAA!", a pure white ray shot out of his hands, completely eradicating the skeleton from this mortal plane.
And with that, Big Bird floated downwards back to Sesame Street. However, just when he was about to touch down, he suddenly collapsed onto the concrete and life left his eyes right next to the figure's abandoned body and clothes. Grover rushed over to his side as fast as he could to his fallen comrade. "BIG BIRD!" Grover cried, "Oh god, i saw what you did! I never would have thought you were a sayian! Big Bird?" Unfortunately, it seemed his friend was gone. Grover fell to his knees, mourning the loss of not only Big Bird, but all those lost in the massacre. The camera then slowly zoomed on Grover's face, his expression changing from sorrow to sternness. Then, the camera panned to the face of the empty body that the skeleton once inhabited.
That body was me. I was skeleton.
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