I Need Teepee For My Dystopia
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NSFW WARNING
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Author's note: I would like to give partial credit for this story to "The Last Paladin" for indirectly inspiring this idea, and for telling me a million times not to write a story on it. He should know that I'm a rebel.
Teacher: "Good morning, class. Tomorrow's test for U.S. History is on 'The Battle Of Bunghole'."
Class: "'The Battle Of BUNGHOLE?' We haven't heard anything about that battle in class!"
Teacher: "I know you haven't. So today, I will lecture you on 'The Battle Of Bunghole', which caused our great, current leader, Ass Chagnew, to rise into power."
Teacher: "It all started with a show made in 1993 about two stupid teenagers in a small, suburban town. These teenagers were named Beavis and Butthead. You do not need to learn about Butthead at all. Beavis however, would change U.S. History as we know it. In Beavis's lifetime during high school, he created a disguise named 'The Great Cornholio.' While most of his school found the new disguise to be annoying, the TV show 'Music Television' made off of Beavis's life made his 'Cornholio' disguise extremely popular among viewers around the United States, especially his catchphrase that contributed to his massive followers, which was 'I am The Great Cornholio. I need teepee for my bunghole.' Even after the original show's demise, the 2011 reboot made the disguise even MORE popular, gaining more followers. But somewhere in the timeline from 2012 to 2019, something in the followers of Beavis snapped in their minds. They thought Beavis in his disguise was an immortal god."
"They wanted 'The Great Cornholio' to be the dictator of the United States."
"On December 24th, 2019, every follower of Beavis was packed outside of The White House. The group's secret goal was to kill President Obama and swear in 'The Great Cornholio' as the sole dictator of the United States. The swarm of followers amazingly succeded killing every security guard in their way to kill Obama. After that, the follower's plan of making 'The Great Cornholio' the U.S. dictator worked without question from anyone in the public or in the army."
"The follower's plan also made the United States the worst country in the world at the time."
"Beavis as 'The Great Cornholio' was a harsh dictator, as he was still an immature teenager when he took office because cartoon characters don't age. Surprisingly, he didn't know that he was a harsh dictator. (Historians later compared Beavis to Kim Jong Eun.) He enslaved people in lifetime prisons for doing small crimes, sometimes not even crimes at all. He forced farmers to produce food 24/7 to increase food production. He made his followers bring him all the toilet paper in the United States for his bunghole. He even made the army bomb Pepsi Headquarters for secretly mourning the loss of President Obama on their soda cans. Since 'The Great Cornholio' controlled the army, no one could stop Beavis's rule until his death."
"That was, except for Ass Chagnew."
"A regular man living in America that was thrown in jail for watching saxy pr0nz, Ass lived a hard knock life in prison until his daring escape. (Some historians don't call the escape daring, as when Ass escaped, none of the police officers went to stop him, as it was during their donut break.) Ass Chagnew endured some of the most dangerous criminals in the United States in the prison during his stay. He also killed them in one way or another. He helped a friend of his in prison kill the built Greek robber and murderer 'Stelio Kontos', and Ass Chagnew himself killed the famed murderer in the mountains 'Killer Deer'. (Ass Chagnew announced on television that he can still here the last words that Killer Deer yelled at him before the fight, which was 'NOBODY GETS AWAY FROM KILLER DEER, LASSIES!') Now an illegal escapee from one of Beavis's many lifetime prisons, Ass wanted to get revenge for his wrongful imprisonment."
"Ass Chagnew wanted to kill 'The Great Cornholio'."
"Traveling to The White House by foot since he had no money to hitchike or ride in a taxi, Ass Chagnew needed to find a way to sneak into The White House without getting caught by any of Beavis's followers, which were now security guards for 'The Great Cornholio'. After he realized that he killed 'Killer Deer', Ass Chagnew made his way up towards 'The Great Cornholio's' office, killing all the security guards in his way. When Ass Chagnew threw open the doors to Beavis's office, Beavis was stunned in his luxury office chair, with lots of teepee from the public to the sides of him. Ass Chagnew then made 'The Bunghole Threat' to Beavis."
The Bunghole Threat: "I have escaped from a lifetime prison camp far from this horrible house, where people have been thrown in with some of the world's most feared criminals for feeding ducks in a public park near the winter. Do you care? I have seen farmers die by the thousands from not getting to do anything but work. Do you care? I have seen asses infected with dried up shit from the lack of toilet paper in the public that is collecting dust to the sides of you. DO YOU CARE? I am here to end your terrible dictatorship. When I have defeated you, I will rule the United States as one of the best rulers since President Obama. I have a dream that one day the current and future generations of this country will never have to live under your rule again. I have a dream today! I have a dream right now!"
"After 'The Bunghole Threat', Beavis as 'The Great Cornholio' said the now famous quote that started 'The Battle Of Bunghole' and started our current government."
Beavis: "Bring it, bunghole."
"Ass Chagnew ran at Beavis with a sword he had obtained from a merchant while yelling. As he approached Beavis, the dictator jumped out of his desk and dodged the attack while Ass cut Beavis's luxury office chair in half. Beavis grabbed a security gun from a wall in the office and tried to shoot Ass Chagnew. Ass climbed up the ceiling to Beavis's amazement and knocked the gun out of his hands when Ass jumped off of the ceiling and kicked Beavis's face. His nose started to bleed. Both of them on the ground, they both weakly crawled towards the gun, which now only had one bullet left in it. Since Ass had outsmarted 'Killer Deer's' sexual advances when 'Killer Deer' tried to pounce on him for sex, Ass was more skilled in clawing towards something than Beavis was. Despite Beavis biting Ass Chagnew's leg and clawing at his back, Ass Chagnew grabbed the gun before Beavis. Ass steadily pointed to gun at Beavis's face. By then, Beavis had obtained the sword Ass Chagnew used to split open the office's luxury chair. Beavis was going to stab Ass in the heart! But Ass Chagnew's reflexes were faster than Beavis's reflexes. Ass pulled the trigger before Beavis could stab him. The only problem was that the bullet missed Beavis and destroyed the office desk instead. Ass was in fatal trouble now. But due to Ass Chagnew's reflexes, he quickly realized the error and stole the sword out of Beavis's hand, stabbing Beavis in the heart with it quickly. Beavis was finally dead."
"Now in the modern era, Ass Chagnew is the president of the U.S., restoring a shared control of this country. Ass Chagnew rules as a much better ruler of this country than 'The Great Cornholio', or 'Corn-asshole-io' as the public calls him today. Ass Chagnew restored Pepsi Headquarters, gave each farmer in the country a huge compensation, encouraged toilet paper industries to make more toilet paper faster, and freed every prisoner in lifetime prisons that did minor 'crimes', especially the one he commited. He even made all the porn sites on the Internet free. In conclusion, you children should be thankful that you have a good life these days under the rule of Ass Chagnew."
Stacy: "Thceear?"
Teacher: "Yes, Stacy?"
Stacy: "Why do you tlak lkie yuo're an aieln?"
Teacher: "Because this was how Americans used to talk before Ass Chagnew invented that stupid language of his! Now shut up before government police arrest me for disobeying 'The Great Chagnew'!"
Written by American Titan
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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