I Really Can't Stand M&M's

"At M&M's o' clock I get in my M&M's car wearing my M&M's suit I got from the M&M's store while there's M&M's in my M&M's house. I eat my M&M's, I wear my M&M's, and I live my M&M's. I fucking love M&M's"

...Is what I would say if I completely lost my mind. But I haven't, cause I really can't stand M&M's. In fact, I hate them. I hate them so much I wrote a song about it. It's called "I Hate M&M's" and it goes, "I hate m&m's, m&m's are made for kids. When I grow up I don't want to be a kid anymore. Twix are better, I'll buy some from the store." I didn't give two shits whether anyone liked it or not. I heard that they were making a new M&M's variety that would be introduced called "Almond M's," so that will help prove my point and get my song on the radio.

When kids come to the door during Halloween, I don't give them M&M's. I get a lot of shit for it from them, their parents, and even their grandparents, but I don't give a fuck. If you want one of those rainbow-colored little bastards, then go to the next house. My neighbor loves M&M's so much he'd probably he'd probably let his babies starve if it means he can buy more of them. This world makes me sick. Not because of all the cruel and injustice BS we subject ourselves to everyday, but because of...

My song not getting played on the radio. It won't even become a TikTok meme no matter how Toks I record using it. The part in the bridge that goes "just a little red M&M could make a heaven out of hell," I think the word "M&M" in that sentence should be replaced by "me." Maybe then people will pay attention. But that would go against the message of the song: hating M&M's. We can get 1/3 of the nation to go out and vote for a 75 year old white guy going against another 75 year old white guy yet we can't get everyone to band together and says no more of this M&M's bullshit.

M&M's remind me of drugs because they're easy to get, they give you a high, they make you feel like a hero, and they can make you do stupid things. The stupidest thing I ever did while eating M&M's was join a cult. I joined a cult because a red M&M told me to, and I did it for a bag of chocolate. Was it worth it? Maybe, but only cause I think the red M&M has a crush on me. But I'll never live my life for you, M&M's.

M&M's are so awful they fucking remind me of my own weakness. I'm a failure at hating things, and the Red M&M would never let me love him. I have a 600 page manuscript in the works that will convert many people to my side. It's like an autobiography of sorts, since I've spent my entire life hating M&M's. One thing I bring up in the book was the time I had a shopping cart full of $300 worth of food in it, but when I saw several bags of M&M at the check-out, I walked out. Any store selling those things will never get my money.

But I'm running out of options. Just when I thought the tobacco store was safe, there they were. I can't even watch TV anymore without seeing a commercial with the stupid-ass Beavis and Butthead wannabe Red and Yellow M&M's that play 100 times in a row daily. No wonder kids these days are so dumb. This is the IQ-wiping content they grow up with: the Red and Yellow M&M's making total jackasses of themselves. The app store is also filled with M&M's games that will corrupt the youth. I'm just done with it all. Nowadays, I have a young lad named Ernesto stop by my home once a week to drop off my basic needs. I can't go out anymore. I yanked all the cords out of my walls, destroyed my TV and phone with a sledgehammer, and deleted my internet. No matter where I go I see M&M's. Some say "don't like them, don't buy them" but it's not enough. Even just looking at them gives them power, so this is my form of boycotting.

The final nail in the coffin was when one lonely Halloween night I decided to order Chinese take-out. When I opened the door, the delivery driver was wearing a fucking M&M's shirt. I slammed the door in his face and sat back down in my ailing recliner. I didn't even get up and eat my Chinese food. I didn't care. I fucking hate M&Ms that much. The next day, I got a letter in the mail from the delivery guy's family. He had died of a heart attack sometime after the incident, and these heartbroken mouth-breathers tried blaming me for it. Maybe they should consider that if he didn't consume M&M's, he still might be here. They should sue Mars Inc. for all they're worth, but no. I'm the one who takes the bullet for it.

Every once in a while when I look out my window, I'll see a mysterious black car with men in suits drive by. They're probably Mars representatives ready to get my ass for not buying their products in over 30 years. Fuck them. Never will I eat, smell, or lay eyes on M&M's ever again. I will die old and bitter in my dark home all alone if it means not seeing them again. Maybe one of these days I'll kick over a lantern and set this whole place on fire with me in it. It might be nicer in Hell as long as the red devil M&M himself isn't down there waiting for me to do unsavory things with him. I won't suck the Red M&M's dick, even if he had one.

Fuck you, M&M's.

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