I Will Never Look at Resident Evil 4 the Same Way Again
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NSFW WARNING
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Hi, my name is Mark, also known as mark-the-shark on deviant art. I'm a young seven million year man who loves to play games and have fun. I also have chronic short term memory loss. Hi, my name is Mark, also know as mark-the-shark on deviant art. I'm a young seven million year old man who loves to play- hey wait a second, I ALREADY WROTE THIS SHIT. FUCK. I love resident evil. I will admit, however, that I have only played 4 and 5. It didn't matter though, as those two games alone would instill my love for the survival horror franchise.
I had an interest in playing Resident Evil 7, though I didn't care for trying the earlier games as I heard they are on the clunky side of the spectrum in terms of controls. Regardless, I was quite the whore, for Resident Evil 4. I simply loved everything about it. The variety in weapons, the story, Ada's tits, the variety of rooty tooty point n' shooties, the plot, Ada's rack, everything really. But one fateful day, my homosexual experiences with this once beloved game would traumatize me for one gazillion billion million milliseconds. It's safe to say that after this experience I will never look at Resident Evil 4 the same way again.
I was feeling sad one day as my copy of Resident Evil 4 for the GameCube had gone missing, and in the meantime I experimented with different games, mostly anime dating sims because I'm a a trash weeaboo. I was playing a game when all of the sudden my roommate rudely crashed through my door. "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK DO U WANT IM PLAYING ROBLOX" I shouted in an angry manner. "Dude, you know how you really miss playing resident evil 4?" He asked. I suddenly became overwhelmed with excitement as all those memories of fighting off ganados came rushing back to me. "Yes, why?" I asked. "Well I came up with a brilliant idea. What if you bought the game on eBay? It's not like anything haunted or supernatural or something that will be written about in a shitty creepypasta will happen." Said Billy.
My face began to light up as a wide smile appeared across my face. "Of course! It's so obvious! Why didn't I think of it before?" Shortly after exclaiming this, I went to eBay and searched "resident evil 4 Wii edition." I had heard that the Wii edition was the best version to play because of the sexy motion controls. I clicked "order" and anxiously awaited for my beloved game. Then, on 4/20, at 6:66 in the year 6969, the mailman drove up in his gay fucking truck and inserted a package into my mailbox. My eyes widened and I started to gasp. "L-Leon, is that you...?" I began. The mailman looked at me, annoyed. "For the last fucking time kid, I'm not Leon! We go through this EVERY WEEK!" He drove away in his truck and I zoomed outdoors to my mailbox for my game. I opened the package, and inside found what I was looking for. I ran inside and turned on my Wii, ready to play.
I was so excited! I was FINALLY going to play my FAVORITE GAME of ALL TIME AGAIN! I started up the game, wii-mote and nun-chuck in hand, and selected "new game." The game loaded for approximately 2.348467 seconds. The game began and I watched the opening cut scene. However, things seemed off. For one, Leon's voice was different. I recognized this new voice to be similar to that of Tom Kenny. In my confusion, I nearly overlooked the trees. They were covered in blood. Not just blood, but realistic blood! Not just realistic blood, but SUPER realistic blood. Not just SUPER realistic blood, but SUPER ULTRA MEGA MAXIMUM HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD. IT WAS ALL OVER THE TREES EVERYWHERE. I assumed it to be a glitch, but I had to take a swig of my weed flavored mountain dew so I could calm myself down.
I then assumed control of Leon, and more things were off. Leon's signature jacket was removed, which was odd because you didn't lose it until you find Luis in the closet in that house later on in the village level. Instead, He donned a pink jacket which read "2 gay 2 lift" on the back. His handgun was replaced with an onion and his haircut was solid snake's mullet instead of his usual hipster haircut. I walked into the house which triggered the next cut scene. Instead of speaking Spanish, the first ganado spoke in English. "Hey! That's racist!" I exclaimed. Suddenly, control resumed to me once more and I aimed at him and began to fire. Much to my surprise, I began to shoot hyper realistic semen. Odd occurrences such as this continued as I played.
I spent a lot of time playing and eventually completed the game, and throughout the whole experience things were weird. Why did I keep playing? Because if I didn't there would be no creepypasta you DUMBASS. For example, in the castle level things became even morer creepier than they had been in the village level. While the village level had creepy things in it as well, such as Chief Mendez having hyper realistic bleeding eyes and donning a black spooky jacket instead of his usual attire, and a large portion of the level lacking music and enemies BECAUSE THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED IN ANOTHER CREEPYPASTA BEFORE OF COURSE, the castle level really made me shit myself due to the sheer spooky factor. For example, when initially entering the castle I noticed the merchant was dead, his gut and bloods spread across the floor in a pool of hyper realistic blood. I instead had to buy weapons from a guy named Jimbo who wore 80s clothing and spoke in a British accent.
Not to mention, in the final level of the game, the island, the final boss, also known as Osmund saddler, was green and wore a hat that said "kek" on it. Also, throughout the whole game, Ashley kept rambling in what I assumed to be ancient languages while dabbing constantly.. I hoped that in separate ways and in the mercenaries things would be normal, but I was wrong. I started up a game of mercenaries and unlocked my favorite character, Krauser. Instead of his normal bow it was very pixelated and resembled the bow in Minecraft. Also, whenever I started a game of mercenaries on any character it immediately spawned me next to a bella sister and caused an instant death, so I couldn't unlock any other characters.
"What the fuck!" I said. "That's clearly hacking!"
But by far the worst was separate ways. I had been anxiously waiting to fapsterbate because Ada is hot but boy were things taking a turn for the worst. For one thing, her revealing outfit had replaced with a full body suit covering every inch of skin, making her difficult to fap to. "FUCKING FEMINISM RUINING MY GAMES AGAIN!" I shouted angrily. One part had scared me so badly, that I was scratching my balls and when the part happened I was so scared I ripped my dick off.
It was too much to handle! The hyper realistic blood, the 80s, the semen, the body suit, the hacking, it was making me crack. I was going to end this. After fetching a quick snack because I had the munchies, I ran with my arms behind my back like Sonic and Naruto to my room and took the Resident Evil 4 disc out of my Wii. I threw it on the ground and broke it into a million pieces.
"Finally, it's over." I thought. But then, out of the corner of my vision, I looked on my bed to see a terrifying site. There, on my my little pony friendship is magic blanket, there lay a Leon doll, covered in hyper realistic blood. It was probably a glitch.
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