Impossible Whopper Theory
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless intended to be incredibly silly. So don't take it seriously, fellas.
If something's too good to be true, you're better off not believing it. That's what they always say, and truly, they would be right. It isn't that there aren't good people out there, nosiree Bob, but the good people are few and far between, and they very, very rarely advertise. Some people only learn the hard way, though.
You ever hear of the Impossible Whopper at Burger King? It's supposed to be a vegetarian whopper. That's right: 0% beef. Admittedly they cook it on the same grill as the ones with meat in them, but unless you haven't had a burger or fried chicken or I don't know a grizzled pig's snout in many years, odds are the contamination with salty, savory animal product won't make you fart up your guts and ask the operator for the number to 911, dear listener. No, not at all. As long as you don't mind paying just a little bit more, it's all yours. You can eat fast food with your omnivorous buddies. They might even think you're cool.
But imagine this. Let's say that you're a food scientist, and I don't mean a Subway sandwich artist but someone kinda like a chef but on the technical food engineering side of things. You get paid a lot to fuck up people's bowels in favor of their taste buds, but it's not a bad living. You're used to McDonald's taking the blunt of the blow more than anything because they're associated with 'that damned clown', and the BK Kids Club went the way of purchasing pre-torn up jeans in the grunge style section of The Gap many-a-year-ago, but you see... opportunity. Opportunity in a world of people who love to be offended. Or at least pretend to be, because it earns them apologies. And apologies equals power. Gather 'em, don't give 'em, and you become President of the United States. Don't be catty, grab life by the pussy. That's a pretty awful thing to say but it works. Anyway.
What you say, you can get away with a lot of aggressive shit. What you do, you can cover up a lot, too. Look at some of the most beloved presidents in American history, while we're still on the subject of politics. You can trade weapons to evil dictators like they're Pokemon cards, and people still think you're the greatest world leader of your era. You can break into your political opponents' headquarters, and you only pay a significant penalty if you end up getting caught. If you get caught. And as long as you don't record what you say on audio cassette tape or VHS, things are looking pretty darned cool. For you, anyway.
Now let's kick things up a notch. You're the president of a fast food industry. You're in charge of many food scientist engineer people. You see that McDonald's can't get away with shit without having articles written lambasting their practices. Hell, they took down the golden arches and made the place look dead and mechanical. Ever play Chrono Trigger? Remember the post-apocalyptic world in 2300 AD? Uh huh. Like that. Except you can find copious amounts of food at these locations, unlike that game in that era, in which you fight some robots and shit and ultimately find... a seed. A seed of hope? Perhaps. But that's all you ended up finding. A fucking seed.
You're the president of a fast food industry. You have a lot of power. Political power. You're not under the microscope unlike your greatest competitor. Your spokesperson isn't a weirdo who picks on fat people and shows off a giant set of pants that end up incorporated into online browser games. You see a market waiting to be exposed—vegetarian-friendly fast food burgers—and you have the people, popularity, and manpower to deliver it. So you plant the seed.
Soylent green is made out of people, and you, my friend, have been eating plants, quote-unquote. And that's all they gotta say.
Plant the seed.
Plant the seed.
You're gonna be turned into a pickle. Pickle Rick.
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