Jeff Sends Letters to Santa: Difference between revisions
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*A cloning machine |
*A cloning machine |
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*MOAR LASERS |
*MOAR LASERS |
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*2 barrels of mead |
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*A two-million-dollar home theatre system |
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*A 200-foot-tall statue of me cast in solid bronze |
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*A giant killer mech shaped like myself |
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*An antimatter ray |
*An antimatter ray |
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*A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky) |
*A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky) |
Revision as of 19:40, 6 December 2012
January 1st, 2011
Dear Santa,
I realize you are a busy man. It must be hard keeping track of all the kids who write to you each and every year. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that such a task was impossible. But, as you have proven time and time again, you are perfectly capable of delivering presents to kids the world over in a single night. Obviously you know what you're doing.
So, tell me this, Santa: why is it that I haven't gotten any presents FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS? Is it because I killed my parents that one time? I don't see how that's such a big deal. Maybe it's the ten-thousand other people I've killed since then. Does that qualify me as "naughty"? If so, you could at least leave a lump of coal in my stocking so I could BASH YOUR SKULL IN WITH IT AND RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS AND LAUGH AS YOU DIEDIEDIEDIEbut I digress...
As you know, it is a new year, which means it's time for people to make their New Year's Resolutions! For my New Year's Resolution, I have decided to give up killing. No longer shall I make people "go to sleep" (so to speak). Rather, I shall wait for them to go to sleep by themselves before I STAB THEM AND DISMEMBER THEM AND SET THEM ON FIRE AND STAB THEM AGAIN AND WAIT, what was I talking about? Oh yes, no more Jeff the Killer. I swear to never kill again.
On one condition.
For your New Year's Resolution, Mr. Santa Claus, you shall promise to bring me exactly what I want for Christmas, every Christmas. You shall deliver the following gifts to me by December 25th, 2011, at exactly 12:00 AM:
Jeff's List (entries are open till Dec. 13th)
- Lasers
- A Japanese bullet train
- A time machine
- My beautiful face carved into Mount Rushmore
- An iron maiden
- A Zeppelin
- 400 sticks of dynamite
- 400 metric tons of Napalm
- A nuclear warhead
- A spiked metal dildo
- A talking gorilla
- A rhino
- A hippo
- A herd of flamingos
- An Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Perrier
- Flamethrowers
- A big knife (the last one broke)
- A chainsaw bayonet
- More lasers
- The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
- A gun that shoots guns that shoot guns that shoot guns that shoot ninjas that shoot knives that EXPLODE
- A lifetime supply of marijuana and LSD
- Every Pink Floyd album ever (including the compilations)
- A giant dragonfly from the Carboniferous era
- A harem of beautiful slave wenches with huge gazongas (no implants, please)
- A full-grown Sumatran tiger
- A guillotine
- The Necronomicon
- A room full of Turkish Delight
- 50 pounds EACH of gold, silver, platinum, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, and freshwater pearls
- A diamond-encrusted Mercedes-Benz
- A panda-skin rug
- 100 of the finest mink coats
- A fully-functioning death ray
- 12 tons of Kobe beef (maintaining my super strength requires a lot of protein)
- 2 dozen bottles of 150-year-old Rothschild
- 15 white cashmere hoodies
- A cloning machine
- MOAR LASERS
- 2 barrels of mead
- A two-million-dollar home theatre system
- A 200-foot-tall statue of me cast in solid bronze
- A giant killer mech shaped like myself
- An antimatter ray
- A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky)
- A freakin' sweet waterslide
- A huge velvet cape and warlock collar so I can look like a proper supervillian
- A huge, sinister pipe organ. I really don't know how to play one, but I took piano lessons for four weeks when I was eight. That's good enough, right?
- A vast, opalescent palace and my own private island to store it all
- Oh yeah, and Smiledog says he wants a new squeaky bone. (mumble mumble...stupid needy mutt...)
Bring all these to me OR I WILL KILL YOU
Love,
Jeffrey
December 26th, 2011
Dear Santa,
You did not bring me the presents I requested. That was a mistake. I went a whole year without killing anybody, yet you still did not come. You didn't even come anywhere near my house. Let this be your final warning, Mr. Claus: If you give me the presents now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Jeff
March 18th, 2012
Dear Santa,
WHERE'S MY PRESENTS FATMAN
I TOLD YOU WHAT I'D DO IF YOU DIDN'T BRING MY PRESENTS
I'LL END YOU
I'LL KILL YOU SO HARD, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ALIVE
I'LL GO TO THE NORTH POLE AND BURN DOWN YOUR WHOLE WORKSHOP AND KILL ALL YOUR ELVES TOO
I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR ELVES
AND I'LL STEAL YOUR REINDEER
FUCK YOU SANTA
FUCK EVERYTHING
Jeff
Aftermath
![](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/7e/Polar_Bear.jpg/300px-Polar_Bear.jpg)
Jeff gets eaten by a polar bear.