Jeff the Killer Goes to Jurassic World
Jeff had been hiding out in the chaotic and catatonic third world violent nation country known as Mexico, his violent skill and philosophy of the knife earned him an infamous reputation amongst the already and ever increasingly violent criminal underworld of chainsaw-wielding cartels and gangs. Heck, he frequently appeared as an executioner in many of their snuff films where he'd decapitate people as an intimidating warning easily recognizable by his pail complection and self-inflicted facial carvings. They called him what translates to "The White Jackolantern". Such errands in term increase his already infamous infamy and gained a sizeable cash wad which he mostly blue on cocaine and tequila and hemp...but he also amassed a collection of gilded silver gold platinum bolos with ivory handles.
However after doing the same old shit for decades to years the spark started to wane and Flickr. As he gazes over the sinking Mexican city of Mexico City from the top of the Pyramid of the Moon in Teotihuacán with still beating heart in his hand he thinks: "So this agent the Federal Bureau of Idiots or Fucking Big Idiots sent after the almighty me is just a spic and a mick: John George Sullivan. I'm disappointed he hasn't bled lucky charms and I can't find his pot of gold. Bummer. I guess he was telling the truth as I carved him like a nutcracker pumpkin". He tosses the permanent smile-carved head up and down like a baseball whilst chuckling: "You're beautiful know like me or the slit mouth woman". He turns around to another agent. He is tied up, gagged and drenched in petrol, similarly to a sacrifice of Azteca. His ears and nose have been amputated. "Mark Estavez. You're no piñata. Am disappointed" he scolded at the begging agent. "It was fun getting Smiledoge.jpeg to gnaw your dick off as I pumped you up with adrenaline. I didn't want you dying on me as I torture you. Mwahahaha!". After pondering briefly and stumbling, Jeff concludes the fate. "Say hello to Johnny for me" he says as he huffs his marijuana joint before dropping it on a line of petrol that quickly turns Mark into a human torch.
"Mexico really is the pits. The SPAIN without the S" he chuckled to himself as he leaned back with a bottle of cactus liquorish in Mexican cloths. His smile falls to a sighingly shrug. "You know wha, having plenty of people to kill and getting paid sometimes in drugs to do it while being filmed in the spotlight for the silver screen Grammies is fuckin' fun as fuckin' shit but I need me a fresh fuckin' break--an adventure". Snicker. "I fuckin' feel like one o' em' Aztecs now...but the priest isn't always making sacrifices by cutting out the hearts of victims and fangirls for Qetzlcoatlus" he said to the still beating heart of his recent sacrifice as he putted on the tourists pearl mother silver Rolex while opening their iPad. The lock poster showed the cinematic poster of a little film that came out recently in North American cinema theaters. "Jurassic World, eh? What in the fuckin' hell is that? Sounds gey". Jeff manages to bypass the password fingerprint eyescan on his first try and opened safari to google maps. "Oh. So it's an island with scaly beasts. I've restled meself some American alligators and crocodiles in the Orinoco basin and komodo dragons in the islet of Flores but I have not met one tough cunt like this Indominus Rex". Snicker. "Maybe I'll explore the place like one of em' fuckin' vlogger dubstep twats who explore those derelict shitholes like Detroit's Packard Plant. This shouldn't be too different but will be a fuckin' hell more interestin'". Jeff threw the hart across the horizon. "Wait...it's a sequel to Jurassic Park. I'd choose Super Mario Bros. as the better dino film of '93". Jeff walk down the large Mesoamerican pyramid that once adorned in green obsidian.
Jeff crosses the border into Costa Rica and for good reason. The gang he frequently associated with and who's logo he got as an ass tattoo was loosing a two side conflict in the south with rival gangs and police...and badly. Many palls met violent ends comparable to that of his unfortunately victims. The thought almost set Jeff to tears but his eyelids beard hard. "It worked. My Poncho Villa festival of the dead necrophiles disguise made me unrecognizable. Goody". Jeff killed everyone on the plane before nosediving the turboprop Beechcraft B200 Super King Air passenger plane into the conifers of the jungle. "Welcome to the jungle! Watch out Vince Vaugh and Spino! I'm a kamikaze! BANZAI!!". The smashing against thick branches of cashew, coconut and bamboo trees with thicc vines tears the tail and wings off. Jeff looked at the cracked Samsung TV screen by the cockpit, with a bamboo shoot impaling it and the pilot who Jeff slaughtered recently. It said Isla Nublar: RESTRICTED. "Oh so this isn't Spino's Isla Sorna. Damn. Numero Trio was my favorite. Ahh, fuck it. Hunting time cause it's party time!". Jeff stood there: a handsome heroic pose and the doors knew to open for the dinosaur adventure. Jeff kicks the door, which flew several kilometers. Jeff died out and pulled his parachute shouting "Yiffeee!". Jeff gracefully lands on an open field in the middle of the island. Gets on the forest floor. The grass was only a couple centimeters tall. "I was successful on my first try unlike that failure Ben, who crashed into a tree in number III". Jeff walks a meter before falling on his back. He had slid on feces hidden in the tall blades of grass at around a meter point four. "Now that is one big pile of shit". Jeff got up and saw a scene of carnage-bloodshed. All around there were Nyctosaurus feeding on the corpses of relatively large sauropods, mainly of mid-Jurassic North America. He saw a mutilated upside-down Gastonia: its head crushed in a set of massive, vice-like jaws with bits of bone, brain and blood sticking out. Its tongue and eyes popped out under the pressure and its entrails and respiratory organs spilled out on the grass in what looked like they had been dug out by a large set of sheers. "Wow, this is more savage than what I did to Arkensas' parents or most of the snuff n' stuff. 8.73/10. Needs cleaner knives".
Jeff turns and saw a dying mother Apatosaurus. "Holy fucking shit it's a dinosaur. Jesus Christ what the fuck! I would prefer Spino though!". It had gaping wounds showed with pancreas intestines and stomach spilled over the bloody grass. "You remind me of Janety". As he caressed its dying corpse he saw its dead offspring. Most of them were mutilated in two or decapitated yet still twitching. It hit him. "I fed up with this world! I just want to go to sleep". A tear almost formed as he gazed upon the sole surviving sauropodlet. An Onitholestes ate the baby and tore its head off to which Jeff chuckled. "You're like one those shitheads koyukkuri. Lol".
Jeff was following the footsteps but couldn't find the monster despit the beeping sound. "Where the fuck are you, coward? Ima call you Invisible Indie". Suddenly four red and blue 'Velociraptors' jumped out of the tall grass. "You're no Velociraptors. Just featherless Deinonychus chimera". They were jumping at a large figure hiding near a tree. It was the Indominus Rex. "Clever girl" Jeff said. "You found Invisible Indie". Jeff cheerfully observed the 'Velociraptors' battle Indo 4v1. "You remind me of that fucklechuck of a bloke Randy Hayden who I suckerpunched the living shit out of with his fuckin' stupid skateboard". Indorex tore apart one of the raptors; its corpse shreaded in to. It then knocks one into a swamp lake nearby with a swipe of one of its powerful forearms. A large Deinosuchus snatched it and proceeded to death roll it to death. Jeff sees rex. "You remind me of Slendy and by extension meself with that fine pale white skin". Another raptor managed to sink its claws into Irex's neck, but it is futile: the quills had injured the feet and the indo snatched it with its mouth and tossed it at a Kentrosaurus skeleton, which fatally impales the small therapod, with a large shoulder spike piercing the abdomen. Fearing loss, the last dromeasurid: a small female of a blue hue, ran for the hills. "Chicken! Come back you bitch! Pale Face isn't that hardcore!". Indo didn't notice the little fellow but faced directly at Jeff, who was stuck under a banana leaf. "Fuck, I'm not ready!". The IREX charged and swiped Jeff fifty meters into the air. "Yippee! It's like flying in the sky!!". Jeff then crashed hard onto the quilled back of the Indo. "OUGHH!!!! Me fuckin' nads!!!!" he yelped. Jeff jumped up onto Indo's scaly neck. "Not so fuckin' fast yah funky-toothed oversized chameleon child of Silver the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog '06!! I need to tuck you into sleep!!". Jeff hung on as the Indo jerkes and shaked about like a large scaly rodeo bull. "Yippee!!". Grabbing the quills, Jeff ascended the neck and made it to the beast's head. Jeff stabbed the great hybrid beast in the eye. "Like that little bitch, if you've got invisible powers then were on equal terms now. Nothing personal Sonichameleon". The Indo-X swiped at his leg, giving a gash. "OWWWW!!!". Just ass Jeff was about to lose grip and slide into the Jaws of definitive death, he sees the beast's teeth. "That's a lot of nice teeth you've got, grandma Gex the ghey gecko". Suddenly the water shaked in one of Indo's muddy footprints. A Tyrannosaurus Rex charges out of the bamboo and headbutted the Indo. "I'll call ya Randal no Randinab because you remind of that little punk lad that tried to mug me and me brother". The Indominus Rex snarls at Jeff. "Die chimera! You don't belong in this world! Your only slightly more a mutant hybrid than the rest of the 'dinosaurs' here!".
Jeff seized the opportunity to climb up and slid down its back and off its tail. "Yababadaba doooo! I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!". He landed onto an derelict abandoned electric fence that spiked his hair like Shaggy's scared hair in Scooby doo, where are you?. The force causes him to fly into a coconut tree, causing one to fall on his head. "You've charged me up...and ow! Fuck! That coconut hurt me fucken' head!". Jeff speedran at Sonic speed (due to the charge) at the Indy, which by that point has broke the Tyrannosaurus Rex's neck and stood over its decapitated corpse. Jeff screames like Mel Gibson in William Wallace's role in Braveheart (1995) during a charge only to be swatted away by Indo. Jeff faceplanted through the windshield of a pimped out metallic red grafitied 1974 Cadillac Eldorado Coup Deville lowrider with spinning plastic hubcaps. "Oy! That fuckin hurts!". Indo knocked the car with its head, trying to flip it over, but the low center of mass makes this hard. "Suck it bitch, Indie. The lowrider isn't any higher!" Jeff taunts giving the finger. The Indonimous raged more and powerful kick from its thunder thighs sent the Caddy flying up in the air barrel rolling with it landing upside down next to the corpse of the T-Rex. "That its. Now I'm dizzy *BLEUUUGHHH" Jeff vomits out his burrito and Doritos cool ranch with spicy salsa and Mountain Dew raspberry. Jeff looked over and saw the T-rex: its head was torn off and arms severed. "Rexy? Noooooo!!!!!" yelps Jeff. He attempted to fall on his knees, tried to open the door, get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur. But before Jeff could finish his brooding over the loss of his good '90s childhood pal and hero a crush squashed the Cadillac closer to the ground as mud flowed onto Jeff, who is lying on the car's upside-down-turned ceiling. The Irex proceeded to rip off the white rimmed tires. "It's no use, teeny-weeny" Indo said in a deep demonic Van Diesel voice. "What the fuck? You can speak? And of all people you sound like Jean Claude Van Dame". The Indo then picked up the munched and crunched caddy and threw it into a large gas tank next to a 22-wheeler Man petrol truck. The kaboom was massive, caused a huge electric storm by the abandoned generators and the inferno temperature burned of 6 solaces. As the Indo walked away assuming it'd killed the killer Il Vento d'Oro played. "Now you've done it. Is that the best you've got, fish face?". Jeff emerges out of the flames in a badass stroll like a phoenix as it resurrects itself. His hair was a spiky blond and he glowed of fiery charge. "You've charged this Super Seiyan up. Better prey to Zalgo, Satan, Cthulhu, Hitler or whatever the fuck". He has a rusty towel rack in one hand. "You ow me for the knife I lost bitch. I'd like one of your teeth as a compensatory token. Go to sleep Frankenstein, No, Freakenstein. No Frankendino. Fuck it! Freakendino!".
A volcano erupted. "Looks like the Armageddon of Dante's Peak. I wasn't prepared for a barbecue". Jeff got a rusty towel rack and jumped onto the I-rex. "Die you dinosaur dick!". Lava erupts and burns the two, who scream and roar in pain. In a scene reminiscent of Jason Statham in The Meg (2018), he lunged into its back and slid down the ribcage, tearing into the internal organs as he drag down the tetanus rod. "Yah like that scaly. I learnt that from me pal Jason who stared in great films like Crank and In the Name of the King: Uwe Boll's magnum opus. Now would you kindly just go the fuck to sleep. Your already dead, bitch. Go to sleep. Hastala vista, baby" Jeff epilogued as the hybrid therapod balances but loses control causing it falls into the lava like King Bowser. "Mario Mario ain't got shit on me" Jeff smirked as he walks off into the sunset bloody knife in hand. "C'mon Blue. Let's go home". The lava had burned his hair the darkest possible shade of black. Jeff slips but manages to lean centimeters away from flowing vicious lava. "I'm so smooth like the king!".
Jeff rode Blue like Napoleon Bonaparte crossing the Alps as the volcano erupted in the distance. The Indominous Rex's largest tooth round his neck. "Chris Prat the Twat ain't got two fuckin' shits on me. I'll send him on his way with a good old 'Go to sleep'. C'mon, Yoshi. Let's go home. Lexi lost hard". After butchering the entire crew, Jeff crashes a cargo ship into Acapulco harbor and posed like George Washington crossing the Delaware River. "Anchors away!". Jeff skateboardes down the chains. "I'm like the kommando Penguins of Madagascar: I share their white n' black color scheme after all. I saw one of those black hybrid raptors. Maybe I'll return for round 2!". Jeff then landed on the seat tricycle and peddles into a Mexican-built 70s VW Beetle clown car and drove off into the Guadalajara, a mere water droplet reabsorbed into the tragic ocean of unfortunate violence that is sadly the tragic Mexican Republic.
Written by Shadowwolfx500
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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