Jessie: The Lost Episode
Have you ever heard of the show "Jessie"?
It was a Disney sitcom that ran from 2011-2015, and it starred some 20 something year old nanny looking after kids who were basically generic stereotypes, devoid of character or depth. Then again, most of these shows on Disney Channel are shit. Anyways, I was an intern at Disney Channel and did test screenings with an audience. I usually looked at shows like Phineas & Ferb, Gravity Falls, Dog with a Blog, Good Luck Charlie, Suite Life, and Cory in the House. One day I was sick because I had caught the flu (and by that I mean I took a day off and played Wii games and ate Doritos like a total loser). Apparently, while I did nothing of value to society there was a test screening of Jessie I missed out. The next day, my friend (who I will call Mark) was curled up in a fetal position on the couch. An expression of shock and horror was on his face. "What has been seen cannot be unseen. Vote for Donald Trump 2016." I looked at Mark and kindly asked him, "What the FUCK are you TALKING ABOUT?" Mark quickly changed back into his normal laidback, carefree self and told me, "That Jessie episode screening was whack, man. It was like one of those, um, how do you say it, 'creeping pastas'?" I assumed he meant Creepypasta, but that was total bullshit. Would the creators of Jessie be lazy enough to steal a story from the internet? Well, most likely. So blah blah blah I got fired by eating Taco Bell and using the Disney building toilet, and it clogged and yadda yadda yadda when are we ever going to get to that lost episode shit anyway? Well, I finally saw the episode Mark was talking about in 13th of December 2013, after watching Cartoon Planet, which was better than any sitcom. I checked what was new on Disney Channel and found a rerun of a Jessie episode called "Day of the Skeleton Blood". Now that was fucking weird. Usually a Jessie title would be a pun or joke relating to the episode's topic. But this was different. It got me hooked. I switched my channel and saw the episode for myself. Instead of the comedic first minutes before the title, there were just the words "CARTOONS WILL DIE" written in hyper-realistic blood. Damn! A Disney Shitcom finally grew some fucking balls! Never thought I'd see the day. Then the theme song came, but the characters were missing and the totally fake buildings had hastily cropped images of hyper-realistic blood stains. I thought these Disney fucks knew how to edit, but it looked like a slideshow in MS Paint! The "vocals" to the theme tune were distorted demon sounds, like if an edgy teen got his hands on Audacity and edited the pitch of his voice.
Hey Jessie! *guttural moan*
Hey Jessie! *ear-piercing scream*
It feels like Damnation every day!
Die, die, die, die, kill Jessie!
Good lord. That song was fucking awful. It sounded like if Linkin Park had the vocal chords of a dying whale. After that shocking display which I refuse to call "music", the episode truly started. It showed Emma (the stereotypical dumbass blonde girl) trying to kill Zuri (the stereotypical token black girl) with her friends. "Aw hell naw," Zuri said while being gagged by a watermelon, "Why you keepin' me out this bitch?" "Didn't you read the sign? 'Humans only'." Really, Disney Channel? A racism joke? Never thought you'd go deeper below rock bottom. I swear, this is turning into a Family Guy episode. Emma then repeatedly whipped Zuri with a whip engulfed in blue flames. The screaming wasn't fake or mediocre. Surprisingly like many other things in this episode, it was hyper realistic. The screen went black for 0.912 seconds, like they didn't have enough time to screen wipe or fade out. It cut to Luke (the dumb one who relies on grossout humor like farts) whipping Ravi (the stereotypical Indian kid) like a slave. Then Luke screamed as his eyes became bloodshot, and his freckles grew black tentacles overcoming his body. Pretty soon he became nothing but a black humanoid figure, and struggled into the kitchen to get some pizza rolls. Suddenly, Leonardo diCaprio appeared and shot the monster. "Andrew Jackson was a cannibal! Beware the sheep!" the monster shrieked before falling to the floor dead. The screen once again cut to black for 6.308251 seconds, cutting to Emma and her friends watching Disney sitcoms. "Those are way better than those shitty cartoons", Emma said. Then this red-headed girl named Tansay, which no sane person would never think would be an OK name, then flicked Emma's neck, and, you guessed it, HYPER-REALISTIC BLOOD poured out. I'll assume this will be a running theme in this episode. The screen went red for 94.372815632 seconds, and then it showed Emma and Tansay gorging on flesh, as if this was "Too Many Cooks". Then Tansay gained hyper-realistic red eyes as she watched the teens worship a golden statue of her on top of Mickey's corpse. Real subtle. The girls started to list down deadly sins, while an etched out drawing of Bill Cipher was lurking in the background. Then, Jessie finally rushed in to Tansay, holding up a crucifix and saying, "The power of Christ compels you!" over and over. Then Tansay's skin began to peel and rot, like that one scene in Black Cauldron where the horny guy gets sucked off. The new form Tansay took was a skeletal demon similar to the Lamb boss from Five Nights at Fuckboy's 3. Right behind her was Hitler! Jessie pulled at a gun and shot Hitler in the ass. Then the Fuhrer rushed to the bathroom to take a painful shit. Tansay then threw Jessie around like a ragdoll, and cracked her skull, making her brains leak out. This is so fucking edgy and it's PAINFUL for me to write this shit down. Then Tansay looked me straight in the eyes and told me "You're next". I took the TV, and smashed it with a hammer. I would never watch Disney Channel ever again, because Disney XD is better.
Written by Supreme Emperor Steak
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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