King Koopa's Kool Kartoons

I don’t know why I get up in the morning. Hey, if you grew up in Los Angeles in the early 1990s, you may remember a show called King Koopa’s Kool Kartoons. It was a live show involving a grown man in a detailed king koopa outfit with believable reptilian features introducing public domain cartoons and the muppet babies to an unsuspecting audience. When I was young, I was a cast member on that show. Don’t bother searching for it—you won’t find much of anything, other than confirmation that it exists. Otherwise, other than the intro and outro, all you’ll find is one brief clip of King Koopa with his pet dog Ratso, disrupting a thanksgiving dinner that Koopa had festively prepared for who even knows. After all, he was King Koopa—it wasn’t like he had any friends. I kinda felt bad for him. Then again, it was just a guy in a suit.

This probably doesn’t surprise you, but the show didn’t last very long. Not just because it was bad—which it was—but because of what happened in the final episode. The second King Koopa—the first one had previously quit due to an unspecified illness—actually threatened a child. I’m not kidding you. King Koopa literally threatened the life of a child, and it was enough to get the television program cancelled. He read the letter, which called him a bad guy in desperate need of liposuction and rhinoplasty. He responded with his trademark gravely voice, but this time he seemed legitimately angry… like, it wasn’t even the actor anymore, but as if it was the actual King Koopa, or perhaps it was the actual actor’s legitimate anger. He yelled to the kid… “I know where you live”. It was uncharacteristic of King Koopa. His angry jokes usually involved, like, popping balloons or badmouthing the Mario brothers who he claimed to be ever so happy to no longer have to deal with. But the gimmick was supposed to be that he was actually a nice guy underneath it all. I mean, ask Nintendo themselves: they revealed recently that the real reason he kidnaps the princess is because he’s lonely, and he has a crush on her. Kinda makes sense, given he never did anything with her, or showed an active interest in acquiring political power to rule over the Mushroom Kingdom. Kind of a weird guy. But he was just lonely.

Me, years passed by and I forgot that the show ever even existed. I was freshening up and preparing for a date before I decided to go get the mail before I headed off to Mickey D’s. Bills, bills, bills. Fast food coupons. Free trip to Tahiti. The usual. But that package…

I assumed it was for my mom, ‘cause she orders all sorts of junk off of eBay. But it had my name on it. Funny: I didn’t remember ordering anything. Especially nothing shaped like an elongated brick. If it was an advert for some university, O.K., but no. I rushed back inside, got out my scissors, cut open the package…

A VHS tape. No sticker. No title. Nothing in sharpie or anything like that. I don’t know why, but I sniffed it. Smelled like cheap early 1990s plastic to me. I didn’t consider it would be blank for a moment, because there’s absolutely no reason why someone would mail anyone a blank VHS tape. I ran downstairs into the basement and found the musty ol’ VCR that I hadn’t used since my 12^th birthday party. 12^th birthday party… something came up in the back in my mind, but I didn’t know what it was. And not just cake or party games or that little red-haired girl that I liked. Something else…

When I pressed play, I expected static and maybe a home video. Perhaps my granddad found some embarrassing moment from years ago and figured I’d get a kick out of it now. But no… that wasn’t what I got at all.

The realistic lizard mask. Standing outside. With a choir of children wearing koopa troopa hats. Oh my god. It was King Koopa’s Kool Kartoons. The memories came flooding back to me like a tidal wave, or one of those horrifying tsunamis that you read about in the news. I expected King Koopa, or whoever actually played him, to do his usual rap and dance through the street, passing by the security guard who signaled for him to stop and ripping off his fake mustache, popping that balloon in-studio on his way to hosting the show… I expected all of it. All of it to happen again. But…

You know, that mask wasn’t quite the way I remembered it. His eyes were… really, really blistering pink. King Koopa with pink eye? What sort of statement was that supposed to make? The spikes on his costume seemed extra sharp, too. They made me feel queasy just looking at them. Wasn’t this show supposed to be for kids? Yes, obviously. I mean, who else would’ve watched? But…

The kids all looked sad, but that wasn’t even the worst part. As the camera panned over them, they looked… bony. As if they hadn’t eaten for days. This made me nauseous. The joke was that Koopa only had the appearance of being bad—he didn’t… he didn’t starve children. He handed out prizes, like Nintendo Power Gloves and 8-bit NES cartridges, and administered ‘Koopa Quizzes’ to the children. That’s what he was supposed to do. That’s what he did in the television program. He didn’t… he didn’t do… this.

I waited for someone, anyone, to say anything. A nearly bald boy and a girl with long but thinning hair sat on a step in front of the usual building in a disturbing silence. I considered turning the tape off, until I got up and looked a little closer, and… yipes.

King Koopa was holding a knife. A double-bladed knife. There was no handle. He… he could really hurt himself with that if he wasn’t careful. Pink eyes, double-bladed switchblade, starving kids… I tried to make sense out of it, but this just seemed completely and utterly pointless.

Finally, a voice. It was King Koopa’s. “Cage.” One word. Cage. It sounded like… a command. An order. The children on the step, as well as all of the others in this little legion of horrors, got up and, single-file, as if possessed, marched into the alleyway behind the building.

And walked right into a man-sized cage.

There was a hole in the eyes of King Koopa’s mask, right in the center where the irises should be. Tears… tears poured out of his mask. Like little, unnatural, but… seemingly lifelike waterfalls.

“You’ll be safe in there. I love you… children.”

The door slammed shut. It looked so rusty—like touching it could give you tetanus. I felt like vomiting. There were no sound effects either, though what sounded like a strong wind could be heard. King Koopa turned around, back through the alleyway, and inside the building. Once inside, we saw…

“What’s done is done.”, King Koopa said, in a rather ordinary adult male voice. “Do as you must.” King Koopa took off his mask… revealing a very ordinary looking old man—almost. Wrinkles, bald on top, gray fizzy mad scientist looking hair on the sides. His nose was… I want to say like a toucan, but that makes it sound kind of silly. It was really rather horrifying. He really did have pink eye, though. And the tears… it was obvious that they were real. He took off the rest of the costume, one piece at a time. Very slowly. One piece at a time. He was clearly depressed. He let out an elongated sigh. “I’m Koopa Koopa”, he muttered. He had a rather large beer gut, for whatever that may be worth.

King Koopa, or, rather, this old man, came out the way he came in and, instead of dancing down the sidewalk the way he did in the actual television program, he walked slowly. Without his uniform. With a sad, sad look on his face. “I’m Koopa Koopa”, he repeated. Okay. We knew.

The security guard didn’t even hold out his hand to stop him. “Did the deed, Frank?”, the officer asked. “Deed is done. Do as you must.” Do as you must? Was this some kind of code word? He lifted his frail, elderly hand and grabbed the officer’s, shaking it up and then, then left to right, then right to left, and then down… feet down, toward the ground, before lifting it back up. A secret handshake. “I’m Koopa Koopa”, they both said at the same time. I felt a sudden chill surge its way toward my heart. Something was clearly, clearly wrong.

King Koopa walked into the studio. No one was inside. He got up on the stage and sat on it. He waved one leg around coyly this time, though. That was the first sign of anything playful there had been all episode. “It’s time for cartoons.”, he stated to himself—or, so I thought, as an intercom-looking device rose out of center stage, robotic assembling noises playing the while. This was… strange. Upon closer examination, there was a screen on the device, which was situated on a small table with a… remote control to the side. Huh. Was “it’s time for cartoons”… some sort of secret code words? Old Man Koopa picked up the remote and pressed power. “Now you’re playing with power.”, he muttered under his breath. “Nintendo Power”. Then he started laughing, in a hoarse, cigarette smoker kind of voice.

“Nintendo Power”. Hmm… sounded like a New York accent. It was coming from the speaker device. “Nintendo Power”, Frank Koopa responded. “Time to watch cartoons.” “Time to watch cartoons”, he repeated. … What was this? An even louder mess of assembling noises was heard. I had knots in my stomach. This… wasn’t normal. I could safely assume that he wasn’t going to put on a koopa show, but beyond that… what was this? Frank got up and walked outside. “Do as you must.”, he muttered. A single tear drop fell from his eye, and there was—

A loud boom. An explosion? Oh my god. The building… it rocked. Debris. Dismantled, shattered wooden planks. It was falling apart. A large fire was spreading. Frank stared into the flames, as if he was meditating. As if he was somehow going to become one with the flames. “The best player ever…”, he muttered… as the flames… the flames engulfed him. King Koopa… was dead.

A camera gave us a pan of the city. Everything was in ruins. Corpses. Burnt corpses. It was as if people had been… mutated. The torn flesh, the scattered pieces of bones. I threw up on my pants. I remembered my date, and I texted her. “Don’t go to the diner. My house. Quick.” She probably thought I was dying—but then again, if she did, wouldn’t she assume I’d call 911? I didn’t care. This tape had become my life. My childhood. But I don’t recall ever hearing of this set being nuked. It would’ve been news everywhere.

I got up and grabbed the remote. I was going to rewind it, and watch it with Rebecca. She needed to know. I had no idea where this tape even came from, but she needed to know. I was going to do it. I was ready. I was going to rewind, but then… the final scene.

The kids. The children. From earlier. In the cage. They were… what was this? Their skin. Was so yellow. Their heads. Red dots? And so white. And bulging. Bulging tops of their heads. Where the hair should be. Could it be…

Oh god. No way. Nintendo… Super Mario… …the mushroom men. Was this the… is this how…

I threw up again. On my pants again. I didn’t have much time to change, so I grabbed a napkin and wiped the vomit chunks from the sides of my mouth and washed my chin a little. Rebecca would be here any moment. We’d finally solve the puzzle… the enigma of where this tape came from. Who filmed it, and why. Some sort of editorial? A message? A warning? It was much too solemn to be a joke. I turned the tape off. A few seconds later, in impeccable timing… there was a knock at the door. “Come in”, I said, but I must’ve sounded so, so weak. It was Rebecca. She eyed my vomit, and didn’t even look the slightest bit surprised. “Wait a minute. I have to use the restroom.”, she stated, surprisingly matter of factly. She opened her purse, and she put her ID on the table. Her ID? … But why? That was so sudden.

I grabbed it. I stared. I didn’t need my glasses, but I did need my vocal chords… because I let out a scream.

First name. Rebecca.

Last name?

Peach.

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Credited to DaveTheUseless 

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