Knuckles EVIL PATRIXXX

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I know you're not going to believe a word I say. Trust me, I wouldn't believe it either. But this REALLY happened to me! This is totally real! You have to believe me! They are knocking down on my door as I type this out. I don't have long to tell my story, so I'll just give you a brief summary.

It all started on a bright sunny day. I was feeling nostalgic for my old Sega 32X, but I sold it many years ago for porn and cheap cigars. It was times like this that I went to go buy one at my local GAMe PLACe (I hope that fucking asshole Stuart Snyder goes to jail) but I saw a garage sale being held nearby. There was an old man there and he was giving away everything for free. I saw that there was a Sega 32X add-on, complete with Knuckles Chaotix, the only game made for the 32X! Aside from that game with the talking pencil. Didn't that have a secret boobs sprite or something?

I came to the old man and asked if I could have it. "TAKE IT!" the old man said. "This game is haunted by the DEVIL HIMSELF!" Alright, first off, it was free, I was going to take it anyway. Secondly, the Devil? Like, the actual Judeo-Christian Devil? Not even Jormungandr? Hades? Sutekh? Ken Penders? Death, Destroyer of Worlds? Xenu? I know that people say Knuckles Chaotix is a bad game but damn man if you really wanted to ward me off just say it's shit!

I took the 32X with the game and heard him say "Don't feed it after midnight!" I turned around and the old man was gone. It must've been a glitch.

I went back and plugged my 32X on my Genesis, now covered in dust and crusty cum stains next to my signed Lara-Su body pillow with a human skeleton inside of it. I saw an intro to the game, it was an FMV and it had the old man in it! But he was younger and not an asshole.

"Listen, this is really important. You see, I was an intern at Nickelodeon and did some stuff for Nick Arcade. At one point Sega asked us to do an episode on Knuckles Chaotix, but the game fucking sucked so we didn't do it. However, we did get a prototype involving new characters that weren't added in the final game. This is that prototype. But it has a dark, dark secret."

He continued. "This prototype is cursed. It can predict the future, it can read your mind, it can know your darkest thoughts. Please, whatever you do, DON'T keep playing! And make sure NOT to select Tails when choosing a character!"

I laughed. "How 'bout I do anyway?" I pressed start and saw the title screen to Knuckles Chaotix. But the title screen was different. Knuckles was the only one there, and he was hyper-realistic. I could see the individual hairs on his head, the cloth on his gloves, and his shriveled up four-headed echidna penis oozing with semen! This was too advanced for the 32X, let alone the Genesis. This had to have been some kind of glitch! The title, instead of Knuckles Chaotix, was Knuckles EVIL PATRIXXX. What the hell did that mean? I was too fixated on that hyper-realistic cock to notice. And then I saw something strange! There was an opening cutscene, and it was the one from Sonic Adventure DX for the Nintendo Gamecube. As we all know, Sonic had a rough transition to 3D and this was proof of that! I had to destroy any Sonic related media that had green eyes for years! And don't get me started on the time they made his arms BLUE! But let's get back to the story. Instead of Chaos exploding from a nondescript building, it was a hyper-realistic render of the Twin Towers! And the explosions were made of BLOOD, hyper-realistic BLOOD to be exact. In the explosion, I saw something flash by for 0.666669 seconds.

What the hell did this mean? It looked like a hyper-realistic version of Patrick from the obscure show "SpongeBob SquarePants" but with the turban and beard of Osama Bin Laden. And hyper-realistic BLOOD was flowing from its eyes. It was likely a glitch so I moved on. I started and entered the level. I started out with Charmy, the small bastard child of the game. Alongside him was a white echidna, but he had a cyborg-like adornment on his head, with red cracks appearing from his eyes. Bits of his hair had dark black stripes and his gloves had orange swirly circles in the center. It was Doctor Starline from that obscure French comic! You see, I am a real Sonic fan so I know all the deep Sonic lore. Crucles looked around Isolated Island to see if anyone was there. He tugged Charmy's ring, almost tearing his arm off. The second half of the level had Charmy fly off scared while Vector held onto the ring. There now was only one goal: find the goddamn motherfucking cocksucking computer room. Entering the computer room I saw HYPER-REALISTIC ECHIDNA PENISES on the monitors. Wechode and Vector smashed the TVs and then another message played.

"DO YOU WANNA WORK ON MY FNF MOD?!"

All of a suden the screen turned black and that hyper-realistic Patrick was watching me! He came up to Knackles and Victor and he KILLED Victor and hyper-realistic BLOOD came out! I sharted myshelf and closed the game. After the alligator died, a pixalated image of the Tiananmen Square Massacre blew up on the screen. A second later, that damned realistic Patrick, this time dressed as famous dictator and genocide denier Winnie the Pooh, showed up with text that said: "It's okay, it didn't really happen."

They haunted me and I stared to lose my grip on realty. I had dreams of the evil Patrick, tormenting me with visions of the Chatox being dead. I couldn't take it anymore. I would accept death with open arms, simply because of this children's game made on a dead console!

I put the game in the thing agen. The EVIL Patrix came out of the screen and selected Wechnida and Marty the Armadillyou. They were throne into Botanic Base but the trees and stuff were BLOODY and they were hyper-relistic. I starred in HORROR as the usually good music was replaced by Lavendar Town from Pokemon Red and Blue for the Nintendo GameBoy, but the music was REVERSED and slowed down by 666%. I was pretty sure it was just a glitch. The Kunkles be came more realer by the second though. He was so HYPER-REALISTIC that he went on all force like a AMINAL! Things got so HYPER REAL that Nubbles came out of the screen! My room was flood with HYPER-REALITSIC graphs and HYPER REALISTIC echinda pensies grew form under the drawars and tabuls including the cubbard where I kept my cum sock! No! Not my cum sock! And then the walls started oozeing green slime! Oh wait that always happen. Anyways the grapics spread away from the basement to my singel teenage mom's room while she was smoking cigs and thinking of more ways to 2 beet me wit pan fryer mornin the next n then patrixxx kil my bran cel n make me doomber. Soon the grapics covered my while house turning to a HYPER-REALISTIC house made of HYPER-REALISTIC bloddd!!! My HYPER-REALISTIC mom came to my basemen to beat me again for the 69th time today when EVIL PATRIXXX killed her and her HYPER-REALISTIC blood was everywhere! He saw my HYPER-REALISTC scared face nd said "Shr went to sleep!!!!" I GASPED.

Knockles at me stared holdin jewli soo from rchi comics and she was HYPR REALISTIK wit a milk pouch liek reel echnas. Then cum ida to head. i got to my lorasu body peloe. Thr choicr was only on lef. I summon him. I grabed the penis n smred it over it. the peloe was covrd in HYOER RLSTC BLOOD N CUM N THEN SHOE3D UP DARK CLOUD N WENT 2 THE GAEM N BEFAKE KEN PENDERS. "I will soo u!!!" Kenpen said ass he shot beams of BLUD from his eys at patrixx liek deo from jba prt 1 j N keled mify before goin back to thr reel rtld 2 fitr knooks. "O no u don own me!" knukls punche kin thru the wal n my house fel down nd crushed my parnts. Kens face got merged with he glasss wich made hism screm n get angry n shot he's naels out like misls n than knox died. Butn knuks skeleton pooped out n TRAENSFERM3D INTO PATRIXXX! PATRIXXX DRILED IN2 KENN MISL LIKE. KEN EXPLODDED N DIED WITH BLUD EBERYEUER N THE BLUD MELT4E STUF LIKE THE RUBLE ON MY BAC.

I TRY TO GET UP BUT CANT. I YELL NOOO I KIEL PATRIXXX! BUT THEN PATRIXX LAUGH N SAY TO ME "NO UR ME" n then I w a z a patrixxx N SO YOU AR PATRIXX TO AN YOU ROTE TIS!

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