Kung Fu Panda Bootleg Version
My favourite film of all time would have to be Kung Fu Panda, for I have loved the film ever since I was a wee four year old rabbit living in the Bongo Hills. Yes, I am a rabbit and if that changes your already cynical view about me then I'm afraid that we cannot be friend. Not like I want to be your friend anyway I mean... the way you chew! Ew chew the stew! Anyways, my love for Kung Fu Panda is so much that I have actually started getting myself involving in the martial law arts. I joined the local dojo up in Walnut Pass, and while I was certainly not very good at I made a very good attempt. I also met my best friend and part-time lover at the dojo. He was a huge fucking mole rat hybrid thing named Gordon Tubasnout. Tubasnout suffers from a lot of allergies due to a poor immune system, but makes up for it by having an amazing singing voice. I saw him singing Take On Me at the old dancing hall in Oyster Bay a few months ago, and he had all the broads going nuts.
Now, as I said earlier, I am not very good at martial laws in fact not very good at all. In fact, I am so terrible that sometimes our instructor Dave Hedgehog no relation to Sonic The Hedgehog refuses to teach me. "You're a pshyco!" Dave would cry as I rolled up Tubasnout up in a nice blanket. I guess you could him a mole in a blanket huh? Now because of a recent change in the stock market, we are forced to have our martial law lessons in the incredibly smelly town hall which was so smelly that not even the local junkyard dogs dare visit it. For any smell is better than an evil smell I suppose. The horrible smell was due to the fact that the town hall was located right to the local sewage plant. The owner of the town hall: Don Fanucci was not very happy about us having lessons there, and he wanted us out. Fanucci had paid a visit to Baron Gwyn Claude who was more than happy to help Fanucci with taking our asses to prison. I should also mention that because of the rancid smell, there are very little attendants to the sessions. Actually, the only people to attend are me and Tubasnout. Due to this, Hedgehog makes very little profit, and he needs the money to give to Fanucci. Fanucci acts as the local debt collector for Walnut Pass, and claims to be giving his money to The Big Boss. The Big Boss is said to be the most powerful gangster on the East Coast, even though we weren't even on the East Coast. What the fuck!? With The Big Boss' backing, Fanucci felt that he was practically untouchable.
One day, Don Fanucci had a private meeting with Dave Hedgehog at his offices up in Oakton City. He issued Dave an ultimatum. He had to make at least £700 by the end of Saturday night or else he would have take his martial arts lessons elsewhere. "I'll let you continue your lessons if you wet my beak. I'm not asking for much my dear just enough to wet my beak!" Fanucci explained while pulling an incredibly wicked face. Dave had to hide his utter distain for the man who wore so much white he could be classed as a sheep. That could be a big scandal will you help? After returning to Walnut Pass, Dave called me, and broke the news. "There's just no way in this world we could make £700 before Saturday that's only three days away!" Dave cried as I responded with, "do not fear my dear Dave Hedgehog for I have a plan." "What is it?" Dave asked but before he could get an answer I had already hung up the phone. I then informed Tubasnout who was staying over at my place because of the recession that we needed to be at the townhall in exactly ten minutes. "But it's 4'o clock in the morning Bernie!" Tubasnout whined in his obnoxiously nazly voice. I then slapped Tubasnout across the face 576 times before we made our way out onto the seemingly deserted streets.
Arriving at the townhall, I was let in by Dave Hedgehog. "So what's the plan what's the big idea?" Dave asked as he made us come cups of tea and scones. I must be the only rabbit in town who doesn't take the scones. I seen too many people ruin their lives because of the scones! "Well mate why don't we host a movie night?" I suggested. "What do you mean by that?" Dave asked. I then proceeded to explain that perhaps we could host a movie night in the townhall, and charge every single guest a small entry fee of £100 a piece. That way we only need 7 people to come to the screening in order to pay off Fanucci. Also by the way, one time, Fanucci got his neck slit by the local butcher, and got revenge by turning the butcher into a bread crumb. Ahem! Sorry about that, I just got a tad bit distracted by Tubasnout's nose as rabbits tend to do ya know buddy? "So when should we have the big movie night, and what should the movie be then?" Dave asked. "Oh how about The Wind In Timbuktu." Tubasnout suggested as I responded with, "I have an idea."
Over the next three days, Tubasnout and I went around town asking people to come and watch the film. However, once people learned about the incredibly £100 entry fee, they immediately declined the offer. Come Saturday morning, the only people who were set to attend were Salvatore Tesco and Marty Malone. HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM MONK! Ha ha ha! After getting all the invites set up, I headed back to my house on the outskirts of Walnut Pass, and looked through the shelves for the perfect movie. That's when I saw it... it was... it was.... it was Kung Fu fucking Panda! It didn't look right. It was covered in cuts and bruises, and it also had banana mush stuck to the back. I was so sticky that it caused my entire shelf to fall onto the floor. Thankfully, I was able to pry the DVD off with a spatula as I made my way outside to meet up with Tubasnout. Tubasnout and I made our way back to the townhall with Tubasnout carrying some blankets and snacks including a bag of electronic sensorites. We all know what that is don't we buddy? During the trek back, Tubasnout kept complaining with, "oh I hate the cold." He then sneezed a mighty sneeze after I tried my best to get him to focus on his toe.
At the townhall, we found that neither Dave Hedgehog or the others had arrived yet so we spent the time getting everything set up. We even placed a punchbowl on the table, and laced it with laxatives because we're quite the bastards we are! One hour later, Dave finally arrived and was accompanied by Malone and Tesco. He was also accompanied by a man whom I did not recognise. He was a huge burly man whose named was Spudgun. Why was he named Spudgun? Trust me you don't want to know! "So what's postman's knob?" Spudgun asked me as I began drinking from a glass of honey. "Eh what?" Tubasnout asked. So, we all got some snacks, and then sat down on the blankets while Malone set the DVD up. "My friends call me Monk." Monk said to the DVD player because he's quite a sad strange little man and he has my pity!
Thankfully, the DVD featured no commercials, and immediately started with the opening scene which had Po explaining to us the story of the Dragon Warrior. However, Po looked 1% fatter than normal which made me vomit all over the floor. "An eye for an eye!" Tesco remarked while dancing to the beats of the jungle with Tubasnout. Back to the film, Monkey then showed up on the scene and said, "we should hang out." "Agreed." Po said as the screen then cut to show the Furious Five and Po at the local arcade playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. However that's when the dream sequence came to a smelly end when Po said, "oh!"
After the dream ended, Po woke up in his bedroom, and fell off his bed which caused him to fall through the floor, and landed in the middle of the restaurant. For whatever reason, Mr Ping didn't seem to notice this, and proceeded to greet his son as normal. Po then explained to his adoptive father that he had quite the crazy dream the previous night. "Oh about what?" Mr Ping asked as he pulled a wicked face. "Uh... my local bishop." Po admitted which Mr Ping to slam his meatcleaver down onto the chopping board. "Local....... bishop?" Mr Ping asked as Po responded with, "uh...." Suddenly, the screen cut to outside the Valley Of Peace as loud screams could be heard playing in the background. The film then cut to show Shifu meeting up with Master Oogway. "Oh shit!" Oogway cried as his fat ass ended up falling off his walking stick. He was sitting on top of his walking stick in order to impress the local stationmaster. Now that's cunning Oogway!
So, Oogway then proceeded to explain to Shifu that it was not Tai Lung who was returning to the Valley Of Peace, no it was none other than the rapping dog known only by his nickname of Raster Pasta. Raster Pasta was an old friend of Shifu. For the pair had both been mentored under Oogway together. Sadly as the years passed, and Shifu's position grew stronger his dearest mutt friend became jealous. Mega jealous! That's when the day came that Oogway was going decide if Shifu or Raster were worthy of the mighty scroll. "You know there's something ya should know and I'm going to tell you so. Don't sweat it forget it and enjoy the show!" Raster Pasta rapped as he pulled out a large radio from his ass, and began rapping which disgusted Shifu and made Oogway freeze in time. "Noodle don't noodle." Oogway muttered which for some reason meant that Raster had lost his chance of getting the Scroll. It was also this incident that drove Oogway into insanity, and that's just really sad. Well that's what I think anyway.
Back at Mr Ping's noodle shop, Po then noticed a poster for an event with the Furious Five, and decided that he would attend. Suddenly, a black screen up with white text on it. The text said that because Po had a dispute with how much weight he had to put on for the role, for the remainder of the film he would no longer be played by himself, and would instead be played by an understudy named Mr Panda. Mr Panda was a teacher at Hartley Dale High School, and was looking for his big break. Sadly, because he's ya know a panda he hasn't quite made it yet, and I'm sorry to have to say this, but I doubt he ever will. "Today is not today." Mr Panda said as he made his way up to the local churchyards which is where the Furious Five were performing for some bizarre reason.
At the churchyards, Mr Panda was actually able to get to the event before anyone else, however he didn't find the actions of the Furious Five very interesting in the slightest so he instead opted to shove a rocket up his arse. The rocket caused Panda to fly high up into the morning sky. However, a flock of blue jays came by, and tried their best to sing to Mr Panda about better life was in the jungle, however he didn't listen, and instead fell towards the sky, and ended up crash landing on top of Shifu. However, Oogway still picked Mr Panda as the dragon warrior so I guess things were semi normal.
Mr Panda was then escorted to the Hall of Warriors through to the Moon Pool which housed the mighty Dragon Scroll. "Right so uh you got a trampoline or something?" Mr Panda asked Shifu who responded with, "actually yes." Shifu then had Crane and Tigress bring in a huge trampoline. Each of them took turns jumping from it in order to reach the mighty Scroll. "Oh come on guys it's not that hard!" Mr Panda proclaimed as he then leaped onto the trampoline with his belly, and yet he still wasn't able to grab the Dragon Scroll. He ended up falling and falling some more, and fell all the way through the floorboards towards the basement where he was forced to help out two old men who were once the best of friends, but now they're the worst of beans. So sad. Mr Panda and the old men then busted out and began dancing to some weird 1970's jazz music. Shifu meanwhile could somehow see them, and pulled a horrified face.
That evening, Mr Panda struggled to find his living arrangements, and ended up accidentally walking into Crane's room. Crane meanwhile was busy painting the Fields Of Gold. Crane was planning on selling the painting to the Grand Duke who would grant Crane with a $800.000 grant which could insure the lives of Crane's future stock up in Greentown. However, Panda ended up bursting through the door to Crane's bedroom which startled him, and caused him to ruin the painting. However, Crane didn't seem to mind, and instead pulled an incredibly weird face. It was so weird that Tesco turned to face me and said, "it's perfect for us Pete. They got the box with a chain thing." I guess this film was turning Tesco insane, and it's not very hard to see why is it buddy? Anyways, Crane then told Mr Panda to fuck off and never return, but Panda didn't understand and asked, "wanna dunk a plonk?" "Okay!" Crane proclaimed as he and Mr Panda began making out. It was quite a sight to see! However, during this exchange, Tubasnout turned away for it reminded him of Luca Brasi and his general fierciousism. Also, Brasi once forced Tubasnout to throw his onions into a furnace. So yeah... that must be some story. Some Luca.
Meanwhile, Shifu's undercover lover and messenger Zeng headed to the local onion hut which was where Raster Pasta was being held captive. He was being held captive in a large brown box, and a bottle of homemade otter sauce had placed on top of the box as it was Raster's one true weakness. Now because Zeng is pretty dumb he ended up taking the bottle off the box which allowed for Raster Pasta to break free from his captivity. "Party time everybody dance cause it's party time!" Raster sang as he began dancing out from the onion hut and onto the busy streets of China. Terrified, Zeng made a phone call to Special Detective Sam Bramsberry, and requested for his immediate assistance. Bramsberry arrived only a few moments later carrying a briefcase which was very large and heavy. "Special Detective Sam Bramsberry! Sam to my friends on spread to my enemies!" Sam proclaimed while holding his mighty finger up into the air which caused Zeng to make quite the smug face too smug I must say! It made me vomit all over Tesco's head. Poor old Salvatore Tesco! Just can't catch a break can he buddy?
Zeng and Bramsberry then headed to Bramsberry's car, and began tailing Raster Pasta. They followed him up the Gates of Graceland, and they watched him walk right through. "Well what do we now?" Zeng asked. "We follow him through the gates, and arrest him!" Sam explained to which Zeng asked, "but what about dinner?" Sam then lit himself a pipe before saying, "hmm... we shall follow him in six hours." And so, the pair made their way towards the local cupcake shop which also sold hot meals and was ran by an abusive fox who used to run flowers out from the French Ward.
That's when the film cut to show two really weird commercials. One commercial did a postman who was forced to deliver loads of really expensive items to a man known only by the locals as Master Cherry. This was due to the man's love of Cherry Coke. Now, what Cherry really wanted was a glass of wine and a crust of bread. No crust of bread for those in need no cheeses for these mices. "So will I be delivering a brand new car tomorrow then?" The Postman asked to which Master Cherry responded with, "maybe they auction cars too." "WHAT WAS THAT SIGHT AGAIN!?" The Postman asked in a voice so loud that it caused Monk Malone to throw a chair at the wall in complete anger. "What the fuck was that!?" Malone yelled angrily as he began beating the snout out of Dave Hedgehog. Spudgun meanwhile did nothing to stop the violence for he was downing glasses of gravy. Yes buddy; Spudgun is quite a weird man but don't judge for his mother's name is Mrs Potato. The next commercial had a big chungus of a bee proclaiming, "welcome to Honex!" He then proceeded to give an incredibly boring five hour tour of Honex all the while giving incredibly terrible puns which included things like, "the shift makes the bee!" It was so obnoxious that it nearly made me vomit. In fact, I did briefly but only briefly you understand don't you buddy?
After the commercials ended, it came back to show Mr Panda and Shifu doing some training in order to be fully prepared for the impending arrival of Raster Pasta. Shifu and Panda tried their best to train by playing boxing on Wii Sports, however because they didn't have a motion sensor they were unable to play effectively. Meanwhile, the Furious Five tried their best to defeat Raster Pasta, but his rapping was far too strong for any of them to handle. "I can't take it!" Mantis cried as he ended up jumping off the bridge. He didn't die however, and ended up landing in the middle of a party which was being hosted by a huge clan of Praying Mantis. "Welcome home son!" One of the Mantis said to um Mantis as they began partying until the sun went down in Hushaby Mountain. Meanwhile again, Zeng and Sam Bramsberry were shown finally having finished their dinner, and left the cupcake shop in order to confront Raster Pasta. That's when Sam received a call from a mouse with a severe nose injury. "Sam I've had a tip off he's in the Valley Of Peace." The mouse explained as Sam responded with, "oh by Joe we're on our way!" Suddenly, Sam's dingy little car turned into a motorcycle. "Safety first!" Sam proclaimed happily as he made two helmets appear magically. He and Zeng then began riding towards the Valley Of Peace.
Returning to the Temple, Mr Panda and Shifu were both dismayed to learn that the Furious Five had been easily defeated by Raster Pasta. It was also not really right calling them the Furious Five anymore as it was now only the Furious Three. Mantis had decided to live with his fellow Praying Mantis which worked out well until they were all crushed to death by the local bishop. Meanwhile, Crane had succeeded in finding a microscopic sculpture which he then sold to an incredibly powerful man who then gave Crane two tickets to Empire Bay, Crane was more than happy to oblige, as was I. So, Shifu then gave Mr Panda the Dragon Scroll hoping that it would have the answers to defeat Raster Pasta. Inside the Scroll was a large rotting fish. "What the hell does the fish mean?" Mr Panda asked. It was Tigress the tiger who answered him with, "the fish is for your din dins now tuck in!" That seemed rather out of character for Tigress to sound so dumb, but whatever buddy I got better things to worry about than that. So, Mr Panda ate the rotting fish, and ended up falling very ill. His fur turned green, and he was carried back to the Valley Of Peace on a stretcher. He arrived home at the Noodle Restaurant caring not a button for the darkness. Meanwhile, Monkey and Tigress got to work lighting the lamps and not the rat. They're not that sick!
Two days went by, and Mr Panda spent that time lying in bed watching YouTube when Mr Ping finally forced him to get his ass out of bed to help with the cooking. "Shouldn't you be in the special class?" Mr Panda asked one of the customers who was the dumbest bunny you'd ever see. Hey I'm a rabbit buddy so I can say these things. That's when Tubasnout ended up sneezing an above average sneeze. Somehow, Mr Panda had heard the sneeze through the screen and yelled, "don't sneeze ya wee asshole!" He then proceeded to grab Tubasnout through the screen, and pulled him inside. Now inside the TV screen, Tubasnout was beaten to a pulp by Panda who was eventually restrained by Mr Ping and Tigress. Thankfully, Tubasnout managed to survive, and climbed out from the TV screen. He looked traumatised. Isn't that swell? Somehow, these incident inspired Mr Panda to face off against Raster. So, he put on his running shoes which he had probably stolen from Sonic, and began making his way back to the Hall of Warriors.
Back at the Hall of Warriors, Shifu had left Raster in the care of Zeng and Sam Bramsberry. "This time I'll finish ya!" Sam yelled at the top of his lungs as he began shooting at Raster. However, Raster then rose to be over 5000 feet tall, and began destroying all the houses of the Valley Of Peace. "Oh bugger." Sam said as he and Zeng both retreated inside a small escape pod, and the pair used the escape pod to flee to Mexico where they got new identities under the names Yuan and Gottalot. Wow really terrible name buddy. Anyways, Mr Panda then arrived on the scene, and upon seeing how huge Raster had become immediately turned to make a break for it. However, he didn't get very far before he was picked up by Raster. "You know there's something you should know and I'm going to tell you so don't sweat forget it enjoy the show!" Raster rapped as he placed Panda onto his shoulder. He began making his way down the streets of China towards an enamours skyscraper. Have you seen anything as big as that mighty skyscraper? I'd kill for a skyscraper like that!
So, Raster began climbing up the skyscraper with Mr Panda still placed upon his shoulder. Suddenly, military airplanes then appeared on the scene, and began firing bullets into Raster but they had no effect. "We can take them!" One of the pilots said who just so happened to be a fat bloody pig. He tried divebombing into Raster, but this proved to be futile as his plane was picked up by Raster, and then crushed into a million tiny bite size pieces. Meanwhile, Sam and Zeng were hiding out in the Hall of Warriors with Shifu and the others. "I have an idea. It's a long shot, but it may just work." Sam said as he pulled out a large pack of chewits from his coat pocket. He then made his way out onto the streets towards Raster. The sky above him turned orange which caused Tigress to yell, "come back Sam come back!" Sam made his way up the skyscraper using a ladder which had been added just in case by the Hungarians in the summer of 22. He then threw the pack of chewits at Raster's face, Upon eating said chewits, Raster proclaimed, "yum!" He then threw Mr Panda off from his shoulder who was caught by the Furious Three. Raster then began walking towards the sunset not having a care in the world. This was until he was eventually captured by the military, and was taken to Area 69 where he was then experimented on for the rest of his days. Should have gone to Specsavers Raster!
With Raster defeated, Sam Bramsberry was hailed as a hero, and was awarded the title of Dragon Warrior and was even given the mighty Dragon Scroll. Turns out Oogway had actually meant to appoint Bramsberry as the Dragon Warrior, but due to a mistake in the printing he ended up selecting Panda instead. Mr Panda didn't mind getting replaced, and got a job as a janitor at the local gym which was ran by a tiger who was incredibly calm and loved Star Wars. I think anyway I'm not even really sure to be honest with ya buddy. Upon receiving the mighty Dragon Scroll, Bramsberry opened it up only to be dismayed that the rotten fish had already been eaten by Panda. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Shifu cried as Sam began going on a killing spree, and began killing everyone in the Valley Of Peace with Zeng's help. Though the papers may beg to differ due to Zeng paying them off to not mention his involvement. Mr Ping's face then took up the whole screen as he said, "there is no secret ingredient." And with that, the film ended with the normal credits. There was a small post credit scene which featured Jack Black trying to make a chicken curry. "Oooooooooh!" Jack Black sang as he tried his best to make the curry. He was also wearing a big old chef hat which reached the ceiling it was that big.
And with that, the DVD player blew up. Suddenly, Monk who had been in the bathroom as a result of the laxatives from earlier came out and began running towards me like a mad man. He grabbed me by the neck, and lifted me high up into the air. He yelled, "I thought you were my friend Bernie!" Monk yelled at the very top of his lungs. "Mate I don't even know who you are." I said which caused Monk to make the scariest face I've ever seen. You might think I'm joking and believe me buddy I wish I was. "Well that was a complete waste of time!" Tubasnout muttered as he sneezed into one of the blankets. I had spent a really long time getting those damn blankets! Actually no I hadn't I stole them from the local church because I'm quite a bastard of a rabbit. Guess I really don't practice what I preach do I buddy? Well you wouldn't know what I preach because I just haven't met you yet! Anyways, Tesco then turned to face Dave Hedgehog and asked, "so.... you been seeing any chimps?" "Um what?" I asked when all of the sudden Don Fanucci came bursting through the door demanding to know where the money was. "Such disrespect you watch a film and you don't even invite me! You know I have three daughters disgrazia!" Fanucci spat on Monk's shoes who looked like he was high on toast. Whatever gets you through the weekend I suppose.
So, while Dave struggled to speak, I meanwhile busied myself by pouring him a glass of icy purple wine. It wasn't really wine it was blackcurrant due to the recession which came as a result of the current situation the world is facing. I then reached inside my rabbit ears, and pulled out £200, and placed it onto the table. "Ah you're a fine young rabbit! How come I have not noticed you yet?" "Maybe because you're a fucking tool." I responded and yet somehow Fanucci didn't seem to notice as he said, "if you need a work come and see me at my house." He then put on his white fedora, and made his way out into the dark streets of Walnut Pass.
So, I began following Fanucci back to his house. Tubasnout and Monk were accompanying me. They knew fully well that was I plotting to kill Fanucci. He obviously didn't have anyone backing him! We barged our way inside Fanucci's house, and made sure that he was restrained by the revolving door which he had somehow installed into his house. Monk pulled out a revolver, and popped six bullets into Fanucci's white £1 suit killing him instantly. With Fanucci dead, we made our way back to the townhall, and broke the good news over to Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun who both looked horrified as did Tesco. "He has powerful friends serious people I told you to be calm!" Dave cried as I suggested, "may I suggest the teachings of the Jedi?" "May I suggest the footing of your arse!" Tubasnout said as he gave me a good hard kick up the arse. He kicked me so hard that his foot ended up coming out of my mouth, but that's another story entirely.
With Fanucci no more, Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun became the new padrones of Walnut Pass, and became a good friend of Ewan McAlister Mayor of Cardiff City. The killing of Fanucci had earned Hedgehog a great deal of respect even though he played no part in nor had Spudgun. So more and more people began attending the martial law lessons, and Dave began hosting a movie night every Saturday night. Sometimes even Thursdays when he was feeling like a particular happy hedgehog. Sadly, Fanucci's death did have a lot of consequences. As it turns out, Fanucci really did have connections to The Big Boss, and though I can't claim to have seen his face, he punished me and Tubasnout by forcing us to work in a small bug money located in Riker's Field which was ran by an incredibly stupid butterfly general who gave out promotions willy nilly. However, Tubasnout and I were never able to earn one because the general was racist towards rabbits and moles for some reason.
Meanwhile, Monk was treated with very little respect by the Corleone's upon them learning of his part in Fanucci's murder having been the one to actually pull the triggers. So, Monk ended up making friends with the Cuneo Family from Lost Heaven, but will the bad guys let him do it. I don't know probably I guess. Also, Tesco got married to a woman who has no nose, and eats cigarettes for a living. It's real love... it's real... it's real love! Moving on, Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun never bothered to reach out to me and Tubasnout, and essentially cut all their ties with us. So disrespectful.
Working in the army is a pain in the ass, for Tubasnout and I had to work such long hours. The general and his lover Bootleg Splinter forced us to do all of the work, and we had no say in any of his plans. We were forced to carry all of the army's supplies from San Francisco all the way to Encino. "Oh why are we moving blankets Bernie?" Tubasnout asked as I yelled, "I don't know you fucking shitbag!" Tubasnout and I have been conspiring with the rival army general to kill our esteemed leader and take his place. He's looking for a traitor, and we may just be his bet. So, that Kung Fu Panda bootleg thing whatever you want to call it has taught some valuable life lessons. It taught me that there really are no secret ingredients. Maybe if we had paid Fanucci the full £700 fine maybe the whole thing could have been avoided, but at last it was not meant to be.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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