LEGO Batman: Bad Edition
The original LEGO Batman videogame is one of my favorite games of all time. Don't get me wrong, the sequels were enjoyable too. But there's something about the first one. The dark atmosphere, the gritty aesthetic, the ass-clenching environment- oh wait, those are all the same thing. Anyway, LEGO Batman: The Videogame is practically perfect.
Practically.
You see, every weekend I used to play LEGO Batman with a Ryan, a buddy of mine who, come to think of it, I hadn't talked to in years before.....the incident.
I know what you're thinking. The incident? What incident? What am I referring to?
Ryan and I went to the same high school together, and we both attended the same awkward class reunion years later. We had a couple drinks and I asked him if he remembered playing LEGO Batman together. He did, so that was nice, actually. Jokingly, I asked him if he wanted to play again some time.....and he actually said yes.
Neither of us had the disc anymore, but I had a PS4 in my apartment and a subscription to PS Now, which lets you play a lot of older games that aren't normally available on the system. I have a lousy internet connection, though, and PS Now crashed about halfway through loading the game.
"Aw, man." Ryan said. "You actually had me excited about playing this again."
"Wait, dude, look. It's coming back." I said, pointing at the screen.
The game started loading back up again, but something definitely got fucked up when PS Now crashed, because the Batman Logo was red for some reason and the usual in-game font was replaced with an unnecessarily disturbing one that looked like dripping blood or some shit.
Ryan started laughing. "The fuck is this?" he asked. "Did they update the game or something?"
The game only got....stranger from there. Instead of the usual opening where Batman takes out some thugs, the first scene was some incredibly low-res real-life video of the fuckin' Joker sitting in front of a computer and unhinging his fuckin' jaw in slow motion as the most ear-splitting fuckin' scream erupted from his mouth.
For some reason, this was the Joaquin Phoenix Joker, which was bizarre to me because that movie had just recently come out, but LEGO Batman: The Videogame had been out for over 12 years. How the fuck was this SHIT even IN there?
At this point, Ryan was laughing like a fuckin' lunatic to the point tears were coming out of his eyes.
"Dude, what the FUCK?" he said between bursts of laughter.
The title logo appeared: but it said "LEGO Batman: Bad Edition".
"What the fuck is 'Bad Edition?'" I said, perplexed.
"Oh, dude, we GOTTA try THIS." Ryan said as I clicked 'New Game'.
"Alright, man. Let's see what it's about." I said.
In the original version of LEGO Batman: The Videogame, the first level involved stopping Clayface from robbing a bank. The level would begin with an informative bio on Clayface as he menacingly stood in the corner of the loading screen.
In this version, however, Batman appeared in front of a realistic fuckin' toilet.
"Yo, what smells like crap in here?" Batman said in an uncharacteristic normal American man's voice.
Suddenly, a fucking volcano of shit started blasting out of the toilet as it began to take the form of Clayface.
EXTREMELY hard rock music began to play as Clayface started fuckin' cursing and drawing disgusting fuckin' cartoons on the walls with his hand, which he had morphed into a pencil.
"TICONDEROGA, BITCH!" Clayface SCREAMED.
What in the WORLD? The characters weren't supposed to talk in the original LEGO Batman. And cursing? Seriously? Kids played these games!
Then again, kids curse like fuckin' sailors now.
My nostrils were then filled with the overpowering stench of ass, which made me think the game had some fuckin' 4D smell feature built in now, but nope, Ryan had just shit himself laughing.
Robin then appeared on screen and started fuckin' ranting about the Walt Disney company, which he kept accidentally referring to as "Nintendo" for some reason.
We then got to some gameplay. Batman moved INCREDIBLY fucking slow. He was like a fucking tortuga. Robin, on the other hand, could jump 5 fucking times in the air at once and moved so fast the game occasionally started lagging while trying to keep up with his movements.
However, Batman was RIDICULOUSLY strong. I pressed square to make him punch a dumpster, and he SMASHED that shit so fucking hard that it went careening into a nearby building and collapsed the entire fucking thing, giving me like a billion studs.
In case you forgot, studs are the little coins in LEGO games.
Occasionally, Batman would just whip out a fucking gun and shoot people, which caused them to bleed in the form of red studs. THIS was disgustingly wrong. Batman never killed, and especially not with a fucking gun. That was like Batman's one big rule!
A fucking LEGO dinosaur from Jurassic Park randomly started rising out of the map at one point and yelling in clear English about his fucking divorce, but then he went away.
This bullshit continued for a while as me and Ryan attempted to beat the level. Eventually, we got to the boss fight with Clayface.
Clayface started morphing into the fucking IOS 6 shit emoji and spewing words I'm definitely not at leisure to write down here as Batman pulled out his gun and shot him repeatedly. The entire boss fight was just this really fuckin' creepy first-person shooter segment where I controlled Batman's gun and just kept shooting at Clayface (or was it Shit face at this point?) until he exploded into a massive pile of, you guessed it, shit.
The game then awarded me 69 brown studs, which was just REALLY fuckin' immature.
Before the level ended, however, Clayface appeared in front of the screen in his normal form and started going into INTENSE detail about where babies come from, once again using VERY crude language.
I was about to turn the fucking PS4 off when the level finally ended, and Batman and Robin spawned in the Batcave.
The Batcave was covered in shit.
I'm not even joking. It was covered from floor to ceiling in fucking realistic poop.
"Well, Robin, I guess this is the Shat Cave now." Batman said as WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER burst out of the ground and said
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH, SHAT CAVE!"
Robin then fuckin' drop kicked Shatner off the ledge, but Shatner came rising out of the fucking depths and threw Robin over the edge instead. Honestly, the fucker had it coming, if you ask me.
The game suddenly told us we had unlocked "Special Robin", which was just the normal Robin with a fuckin' Chinese flag in place of the R.
I wasn't really sure what that was about.
The next level involved chasing down Two-Face in the Batmobile, but Batman kept leering out of the window and calling him "Ass-Face" which was just unnecessary.
Two-Face started throwing bombs out of his armored truck, but instead of just doing a bit of damage to the Batmobile, they created HUGE fuckin' bloody explosions on screen that made it nearly impossible to see where the FUCK I was driving.
Ryan was playing as Robin, who was riding on a red and green motorcycle and attempting to keep pace with Two-Face. Instead of studs, Robin was collecting...... McDonald's fries, for some reason.
Robin started throwing fries at Two-Face, which was kinda funny until his truck suddenly stopped, the door opened and the realistic fucking regular human Two-Face from the Batman: Arkham series stepped out of the truck as some really creepy music played.
"FUCK YOU!" Two-Face yelled as he started shooting at Robin, who leapt into the air and kicked Two-Face so hard he turned back into a LEGO and fainted.
"Well, Batman, I guess that takes care of Fake Face." said Robin.
Ryan sighed at the fact that Robin couldn't even get Two-Face's name right. This was just getting hard to watch at this point, honestly.
These levels were at least somewhat similar to the ones from the original game, albeit much weirder, but the next level....was unlike anything I had seen before.
It was a completely brand-new level called "Meister of the Midnight", and the villain was the Music Meister from the cartoon Batman: The Brave and the Bold.
Music Meister had a fully developed model and everything. The level took place outside some old music shop where you fight against hordes of goons before going inside the store and chasing after Music Meister himself.
When I got to the boss fight, however, Music Meister started hauling out a MASSIVE fucking speaker, said "this is a certified hood classic", and began to play OBNOXIOUSLY loud fuckin' music.
Ryan nearly fell out of the chair and started covering his ears.
"SHIT, MAN, TURN THAT THE FUCK DOWN!" he SCREAMED at me. I reached for the remote and tried turning the volume down, but whatever fucking bass boosted trash Music Meister was playing just got louder.
Finally, Robin started spraying fuckin' snake venom all over the speaker, which caused it to shut off.
"What the fuck, asshole?" Music Meister yelled, musically.
Robin then said
"I fucking hate the Music Meister.
Batman the Brave and the Bike is a fucking terrible "show" and the "people" responsible for it need to pay. It's shit. And "Mayhem of the Music Meister" is the worst fucking episode of them all.
When I was only 9 years old, a man named Michael Music Meister mowed down my fucking dog. After the Mowdown of the Music Meister, my father drew deadly ill from cancel in his music meister proteins. He died. I then suffered from a debilitating genital disease called Music Meisterosis which left me unable to achieve sexual orgasm. I once took a test in college and received a score of (music meister)/100. What the fuck does that mean? Every time I ask someone what the day is, the answer is always fucking "It's Music Meister ". The time on the clock? Music Meister o' clock. I can't fucking breathe properly because my body can only exhale Carbon Music Meisteroxide. It's a bitch to live with. I've been diagnosed with Music Meister's Syndrome and Music Meistheimers. Fuck the Music Meister."
THIS completely caught me off guard. Where the fuck did that come from? What did it even mean?
Music Meister then dropped a fuckin' noose from the ceiling and started screaming "GET IN" at Robin.
Batman then threw fuckin' cheap plastic handcuffs into the air, which wrapped around Music Meister's hands somehow so that Batman could arrest him.
Music Meister then said "Hey kids, ask your parents for a list of reasons they lied to you about Santa Claus. Number 5 might shock you."
Batman then fucking JUMPED on the Music Meister and flattened him like a fucking rug.
At the end of the level, the game told Ryan and I that we had unlocked "Funny Mode".
The fuck was Funny Mode?
We decided to try it, but the only level currently available was "Under the City", which involved chasing Killer Croc through the sewers.
The level immediately began with MASSIVE fucking explosions of realistic blood and gore all over the screen as loud rock music started playing. I couldn't even see what the FUCK was going on. There was no gameplay. There was no story. There was no Killer Croc. There was just this fucking horror. Funny Mode wasn't fuckin' funny at all.
"Well, we're never playing THAT mode again." I said, as I closed out of the level and went back to the Batcave.
The next level was the Killer Moth one (and for those who don't know, Killer Moth is a guy in a weird costume, not a literal fucking moth), but instead of being called "In the Dark Night", it was just called "Mothballs". I wasn't sure if that was referring to the stuff you use to keep moths away from your clothes, or some disgusting fuckin' joke about Killer Moth's balls.
A cutscene played showing Killer Moth appearing on what looked like a fucking LEGO version of "America's Got Talent" and singing opera like he was fucking Pavarotti.
The judges and audience were deeply moved by this.
What the fuck? What the actual fuck?
Suddenly, the NASTIEST rap beat I had EVER heard began to play as Killer Moth started SCREAMING into the mic and rapping about his fucking balls. He was yelling into the FUCKING mic so FUCKIN' loud that it was starting to make loud peaking and crackling noises.
Someone backstage started screaming "HOLY SHIT! CUT HIS FUCKIN' MIC OFF!" as Killer Moth began to release some kind of toxic fuckin' gas from the stage.
Batman then BURST through some fuckin' window that wasn't even there before and yelled "WHAT THE FUCK? KEVIN SMITH?"
Killer Moth than SHRIEKED at the most mic-destoying ear-splitting volume my ears had ever withstood as he SCREAMED
"IT'S NOT KEVIN SMITH! IT'S KILLER MOTH! GET IT RIGHT, JACKASS!"
Robin then came out of nowhere as well as he started pulling a fucking recycling can out of nowhere and tried to put Killer Moth's helmet in it.
The gameplay segment then began. Batman shot his grappling hook onto a fucking ceiling fan and started whipping around in the air like crazy. I don't even know what I was supposed to do. There was no way to make him detach from the fan, and the only option available seemed to be pressing square to throw batarangs that did fucking nothing.
Ryan, in the meantime, got to have all the fun as he played as Robin, who had to build a HUGE fuckin' mothball by getting a special suit to suck lint and shit off the ground and compound it into one disgusting fuckin' mothball. Killer Moth just kept hovering over the top of the stage. I tried getting Batman to hit him with a batarang, but it did nothing, other than make Killer Moth yell "Dude, knock it the FUCK off!"
Robin eventually shot the massive fuckin' mothball into air, which SMASHED into Killer Moth and sent him flying through the window.
"Woo-hoo! Teamwork!" Batman yelled, but Robin said
"What the fuck do you mean "teamwork"? You've just been swinging from that fucking fan, you DICK."
"Who're you calling dick, DICK?" Batman said before the weight of him swinging on the fan finally caused it to tear out of the ceiling and collapse.
Batman smashed into little LEGO pieces on the ground, but Robin put him back together.
"You owe me one, Batman." Robin said.
Batman sighed. "What do you want, Robin? Hookers and a blowjob?"
I fucking KICKED the PlayStation the minute I heard that DISGUSTING fucking line. This was a LEGO game. Why the FUCK where they talking like this?
The last scene I saw was the Batmobile smashing through a fucking realistic K-Mart to some loud rap song about "Shuttin' it Down" before the game fucking shut off and displayed some weird error message that said "No Más".
Well, Ryan went home after that, though he said he had a really good time. I was still in complete shock over the game. What the fuck WAS that?
I've never encountered the Bad Edition since, so suppose all's well that ends well. But, if something ever seems wrong with YOUR copy of LEGO Batman: The Videogame......
You might be in for a nasty surprise.
Credited to Chimichangar
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