Lost Britney Spears Music Video

I was a celebrity news reporter during the 90s, the time when Spice Girls and Teen Pop rose to fame. One day during my vacation in the early 2000s I found a newspaper article that had been mixed up with my child support papers. The news article said: "Write to Britney Spears and you might win a chance to win one million dollars. Date ends 06/06/06 and be sure to be 9 with parents permission."

Well, I'm 13 years old knowing so much about celebrities, I didn't miss out on a chance to win a million dollars but not being a writer I didn't know what to write. I interviewed her on her promo to ...Father one more time or was it .Baby one more time, I don't know man isn't she redneck or something? I emailed her official website and told her this:

Hey Britney,

My name is Jessica. I slept in your apartment when you were in the Mickey Mouse Club, can I please get a chance to interview you again for your promo in Britney?

P.S. I enjoy your music, what an awesome performance on that Snake.

She never replied, but one day I got a knock on the door from the mail man, it was a box. I open the box and it was a video tape that was titled: Lost Video Tape of (You Drive Me) Crazy. I was confused, wasn't there already a video for that? The one where a bunch of people in a building with Sabrina the Teen Bitch? I was confused but put the video in, the video took about 11 minuets.

This video did not start off as normal, the boy group, *NSYNC kept singing: "We're ready to party!" for at least three times before saying, "We're ready to sacrifice you, the devil is coming!"

Instead of Britney saying, "Baby, I'm so into you." she said: "Baby, I want to kill you." Instead of Britney saying that, there s a draw queen with a blonde wig and the infamous outfit she wore. While Justin, the ramen noodle guy, as spinning around 360 degrees with a hook in picture and picture. The hooker had a haircut that made it look like Tim McVeigh. I found all of this highly offensive, then finally the video started, Britney was at a diner with some guy.

Before she sang the chorus she looked directly towards the camera. "While you are sleeping, I'm gonna open the door and take one of your pillows, then I'm gonna put it on your face so you can't breath you FUCKING ASSHOLE GOD I FUCKING HATE THE SHIT YOU'VE DONE." The guy walked out, he seemed, disheveled. What is weird is that there's a girl in the dinner that looked a bit like me. What is weird is that I wouldn't know about that single from her album.

"Lets get high off soda!" said Joey Fatone before giving everyone soda. You aren't suppose to give soda to teenage boys! I read about this on NBC for Teens, the teens get butt cramps and fall over, limp. "I don't want fucking soda," said Britney before taking out a knife. "Back the fuck off Britney Jean."

Haha.. wait.. Britney Jean? You mean like Britney Spears? I was starting to think there was something evil about this tape. I started to drink some water and began to freeze frame the video. There was some strange thinks, like those pop out screamers on YouTube, god I hate those Britney began to stare into the camera before Justin Timberlake came in holding a sign that said: "Kiss my ass." In Brtiney signature in the corner.

The next verse changed to Britney with her family, her mom, even Jamie Lynn, that lovable Jamie. What is weird is that there is a skeleton in the background, it isn't doing anything just sipping coffee and reading Time Magazine. I began to freeze frame the video, I saw the skeleton in early frames baking ham, doing chores, and even painting the Mona Lisa. What I saw next made me choke on my mucus and my water, there was something evil about this water... that I was drinking.

1:44 minuets into the music on the second bridge, a skeleton in a red jumpsuit began dancing like Michigan J. Frog holding up a sign. Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime ya know the from from that cartoon. Fuck I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah the sign said: I'm gonna kill you Jessica. My name wasn't Jessica, however my number was listed under Jessica name.

I was beginning to get concern, how did my number got on this tape? I began to call Jive Records to get a hold of Britney but they were busy so I emailed Britney's website.

Dear Britney Spears,

I was watching your video to (You Drive Me) Crazy when I saw some concern things. Like racism and underage drinking, now I being a huge fan of you, was concern.

Oh, and I ALSO DEMAND TO KNOW HOW MY FUCKING PHONE NUMBER GOT ON THIS FUCKING TAPE.

p.s I hate NSYNC.

p.p.s I hate you too.

I woke up early to the sound of a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole and saw a belly button piercing, I opened the door to see it was Britney. She was holding a CD of her recent album, Britney. I also sa a visible tape recorder in her bra.

"So," she said "You slept in my Apartment in the 90's, eh?" Actually, I was lying about that part so she can respond. "Yes," I said. "I did."

Britney looked weird, like she had this funny smile. "If your porn name could be any range of mountains.. what would it be?" I started to back away to the kitchen. "Mine would be Tall Cliff." What the fuck does that mean?

"Look, I just want to now how you got my number." I asked her.

"Time travel, sweetheart. Time. Travel."

I slipped on some Dr. Pepper and slammed my head into the fridge. When I woke up, Britney was a hovering ball of light. "I am not like your kind, I have reincarnated into energy." I was scared when I found out it was Britney pointing a laser pen in my eye and giggling in front of my lamp. That was not funny, if I was a smarter person, I would've called the cops.

Britney informs me that she had group sex with NYSNC, I told her that I didn't want to know about that. She told me that all her songs were her memories of being with the group and how it was a struggled time. She began to cry and hugged me, before stealing my wallet and taking my 20 bucks. I tried to stab her with a pen, she threw her album at me and vanish mysteriously.

I put the VHS tape back because I had nothing else to do. The rest of the song was normal but the end was an animated Britney knocking on the door, there was her animated sister opening and having the same discussion we had in 2D form. It was changed to pictures of Britney of her past childhood while she walked towards the camera.

"You know my music career meant something. It meant that I was in the crowed of the teen pop era but somewhere I really lost my way. I began to make profits and I began a cheap plastic toy for consumers rather than a deep meaning for my music. Oh, I got something to tell you, YOU WON THE CONTEST! YOU WON 1 MILLION DOLLARS YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!"

There was a number at the end and I called it, it said that I won the contest! I never won anything in my life and I almost exploded into pasta! I gave them my credit card number and prepared for my free cruised.

I woke up early Monday morning and opened my door to collect the newspaper. Someone had left a ton of monopoly money, I threw away most of newspaper only caring for the entertainment of Britney Spears. I suddenly spat my coffee out and it was Britney Spears holding my twenty bucks while giving me the bird with a caption.

"Enjoy your Monopoly money, loser."

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