Lost Classics (Wii)

"As you are probably aware, many video games and other forms of media were canceled before they were released or even shown to the public. From the infamous Desert Bus to the completely unknown Mario Takes America, it seems like we may never find the majority of these so-called "lost classics"...

...The other day, however, I stumbled upon a strange disc at my local game store. The original cover artwork was removed, and replaced with a piece of paper labeled "Lost Classics" with a picture of the box for Bubsy II on it, poorly photoshopped to say Bubsy III. It didn't even say what system it was for! It was pretty cheap, only 6 bucks, but I decided to pass on it and get a much needed controller for my Playstation 4.

A few months later, I went back to the store to find they had somehow obtained four more copies of the game! The rest of them had the (presumably) regular cover art now, which showed Mario, Sonic, and Pac-Man. The price was a little higher on the copies with covers at $11.50, but I decided to buy that version anyway.

But when I took it home, I began to realize there were some...strange things with it. The game's manual had some large, red stains on it, and the front case still didn't say what system it was for, nor did it say the name of the game. The disc itself looked perfectly fine, however - there wasn't a single scratch on the thing! I figured for that reason alone I would keep the copy, even though I could return it and get a better one.

I put the game in all of my consoles, hoping one of them would play the game. It ended up working in the Nintendo Wii, one of my personal favorite systems. The game acted REALLY weird, however - it took me to the Wii Shop Channel and made me download something called a "launch channel". I figured this was some kind of piracy thing (after all, the label had no Nintendo logo) and that it was needed to allow the game to run. After it downloaded, which took an insanely long amount of time, I clicked on the channel. It took me to a plain white menu with a list of games. I guess that would explain why there were so many copies - it just installs the game onto your Wii, and after that, there's no need for the disc. They were all listed in Japanese, so I just clicked on them in order. Here's a list of what was on there, along with a brief description for each one.

Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill - This one really surprised me when I first started it. Only one copy of this game is known to exist, and it hasn't been dumped yet. It's really just a fairly generic platformer, but you play as Bill Clinton's cat.

Bubsy III - I thought this one would be really interesting, but it's just Bubsy in Fractured Furry Tales with an earlier title screen and less voice samples. A little disappointing, but it's still neat to have.

But then, there's the third and final game. It has to be the most terrifying game I've ever played in my whole life, and believe me, those poor souls who unfortunately have played this shit would all agree with me. I don't know exactly what the game is called, but according to Google Translate, it is known as Land of Stars: The Story Origins.

The game starts off with what appears to be Evil Patrixxx (a bad start already) in some sort of weird Mario knockoff. In fact, the game is set up with the same exact block patterns from the first level of the original! I was a little freaked out, but I continued. I stepped on the jellyfish (which replaced the Goomba), and the game stopped working. In fact, my entire Wii stopped working! I was able to get one picture of it, although it's not very interesting compared to what else the game has to offer.

The next day, I turned on my TV and was going to play something on my Wii U, and that's when I realized I could try to play Lost Classics in there! But right before I did, my Wii U got a notification. It took up the whole screen, and said:

"WARNING: Several unauthorized Wii and Wii U titles have been appearing in stores in (my town). The games are known as 'Super Mario Universe' and 'Lost Classics'. If you attempt to play them in a Wii U system, you will see very gruesome visuals, and the game has the ability to track your address and steal information from your Miiverse account (these games have no known negative effects when played on a Wii system). If you own a copy of this game or know a store that may sell them, please notify local authorities. For more information, please visit nintendo.com."

I was amazed how lucky I was that I didn't put the game in just a split second earlier. I quickly took the game to the police station and had the game store shut down. I also gave them my Wii, just in case there was an effect that Nintendo didn't know about. And...there was one.

Since the Wii was not in my possession, it was tracked to the police station. A group of 20 members of the company, now known as Supertainment Electronics Co., came to the building armed with machine guns. When they realized where they were, however, they tried to run before being arrested. There's a lot more to this story, but this has already gone on far too long, so I'll just end it here. Eventually I saw the gruesome visuals, heard about more criminal activity from the company, and even met Evil Patrixx in person. So stay tuned for part 2."

That was the last thing my friend wrote on his now defunct blog page before an insane incident happened. According to the police, he was cut open and his body parts were used in Supertainment's horrible bootleg toys, games, and movies. He was one of twelve victims, although his story is the only one we will ever know about. The company is still out there, and they never put their logo on any of their products. And they're getting worse and worse - some of them can now be bought on amazon.com (often listed as other popular video games), and some even take DNA evidence from your fingers, leading them to be able to find you just from touching one of their products. There's no telling what will happen to them next, and all I can say is to be safe out there. See ya.

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