Lost Our Beaver (Franklin Lost Episode)
Normally, bees make a lot of noise. No noise would suggest no bees. I work as a beekeeper in Birkland, but in recent days or rather recent seconds, my life has become completely upturned as all of the bees have disappeared and I have gone on the run to Spooky Swamp in the hopes of one day becoming a semi successful street poet. I know its not much, but to be honest it's the best I can do. Being a beekeeper is the only thing I know to do, I wear my beekeeping outfit everywhere I go. I even wear it when I go to bed. I adamantly refuse to ever take it off. I take beekeeping very seriously, and I just want to let you know that. Even though the tale I am about to relay to you has little to nothing to do with bees. It all started on an incredibly smelly train in the middle of May. It was very smelly indeed because the windows on the train were wide open and we were driving past the fields where the farmers sprayed manure over. Why do they spray the fields with manure? Well, I wouldn't know so why are you asking me? I was sitting there behind my own business when all of the sudden an incredibly sinister man wearing a top hat showed up looking like he was rather lost as he kept looking back and forth almost as if he was being followed by someone. It was actually untrue to refer to this man as a man as he was actually a cyborg man hybrid thing who goes by the name of The Dice Master. He earned that name in school because he was something of a dice wiz back then, but he ended up losing credibility when he lost in the big dice competition of 1974 to an incredibly nasty looking baked potato headed man named Dice Tu. He had these black marks on his head which resembled grill marks on a delicious hamburger.
Even after losing his rhythm, Dice Master refused to give up his iconic name as he believes it is what makes him who he is. In a moment of kindness, I offered up my seat to him although it was not actually in kindness as I really just wanted to move so that I could get away from the annoying old lady that was sitting next to me. She stank of prawns and she kept glaring at me while all making a tsk tsk noise everytime I made an above average cough. I stood up and grabbed hold of the handrail as the Dice Master smiled at me as he asked, "you're a beekeeper aren't you?" "How did you know that?" I inquired as I adjusted the hat on my beekeeping costume. How could he possibly have inferred that I am a beekeeper? Yeah, I wonder. "Lucky guess I suppose." The Dice Master said before continuing with, "well I bet your bees are starting to become rather and lazy aren't they my pork?" To my astonishment, Dice Master was completely right. My bees were recently starting to become very fat and lazy. They would fly onto buses and sit on the lap of a Molinari Family Capo. The Capo would smile at the bee with an incredibly cheesy face like some kind of SpongeBob before then proceeding to cut the poor little ticker in half with a butter knife which already had butter on it or maybe it was onion sauce. Onion sauce. ONION SAUCE! Also, I breed bumblebees not honey bees because honey bees are monsters but that is a story for another day. I like to call it The Corn Crop Incident of 1991. My bees were also incredibly hot and bothered especially in the humid climate. They looked rather tired as they rubbed their faces in contempt before taking a nap on a train who goes by the name of James. James' boiler was rather hot, and it made the bees comfortable until one of the bees ended up getting it's foot burnt. Thinking that James had hurt him on purpose, the bee flew high up into the air and when he came back he gave James a right good sting on the snoz causing it to swell and become red like Ned. James was further embarrassed because the people of Sodor mocked him by calling him James The Red Nosed Engine. Those fools!
Mr Dice smiled grimly at me as he handed me a small blank letter which contained a DVD which ole Dicey baby claimed would be able to teach my bees how to chill like a thrill. There was also a mint chew wedged inside the envelope. I tried to pull the mint out, but Mr Dice warned me that the mint came from an old sweet shop that sells sweets from 1879. Mr Dice then left the carriage screaming because sitting across from me was a very happy clown who was laughing, but not a happy laugh it was a sad laugh as he had forgotten to pay his goldfish bills again. Side note; why do carnivals sell goldfish? Not right that isn't! No Siree it is not. I bit my tongue very aggressively as I took the letter with me off the carriage and into the crowded train station. I made my way through the station catching a cab to my residence in Coleman Street. Twas not a very pleasant drive as I happened to be carpooling with an incredibly miserable butcher who always stuffs his geese into the cab with him. He glared at me as we finally reached my home turf. I headed into my house where I was greeted on the front porch by my assistant Wilkins. Perhaps he got that name from the iconic coffee brand, but how would we know? Ole Wilkins was shooting some honey sugar into the bee hives, but they had no effect. I rubbed my face as I said, "fear not Wilkins our bee problem is finally coming to an end. We're going to host a little movie party for our bees." "I'm not sure I follow you." Wilkins said sheepishly as he wiped some honey which had stuck to his glasses, I wrapped my arm around him as I said, "you will son. You will."
Using some thumb tacks and popsicle sticks, Wilkins and I were able to make a little mini cinema for all of my bees to enjoy. All of the bees huddled together in a circle, but getting them stay was no cake walk as we had to wedge them down using super sticky honey that was often used to get traitors of the farmer regime stuck in the fields where they would try to get out by prying themselves with a spatula only to end up getting run over by a combine harvester. Oh dearie dear! I sat myself down on a nearby rocking chair that I got from Mr Worry for Christmas. Ole Worry was my number one customer, and as such I often supplied him with his jars of honey for free. He was worried that the honey may have bugs in it, which is kind of ironic considering the fact that the honey was in fact actually made from an insect. Isn't that a little whacky? I also ended up sitting on top of my beloved exer sketch which caused it to shatter. I picked up the shattered remains of my exer sketch, and looked at it with a very sad face like some kind of Colonel Hathi. Wilkins ripped open the envelope and took out the DVD disc which was a blank bank, but it had a mantis stuck to the side of it. The mantis thanked Watkins for saving it, but then he placed the mantis into the nest of giant Japanese hornets that we were breeding in the fields just up past my house. We had recently been on holiday to Japan, and while there we saw some Japanese hornets while camping out in the forest. The hornets cornered Mantis while Wilkins placed a bottle cork inside the front entrance of the nest. The mantis screamed in pain as he was stung to death and then fed to the larvae. How sad. Mantis suck anyway. They spit acid... or wait is that grasshoppers I'm thinking of. Do not fear little grasshopper, as I placed the disc into the DVD player after using a handkerchief to clean off the mantis juice that had stuck to it. Damn mantis.
Wilkins sat next to me holding a HUGE box of popcorn with melted prune juice on it as the DVD began by showing us a really weird clip. Two claymation men were talking to each other. The one man said, "hey are you okay?" The other man then said, "no I'm Frank." Really smelly guitar riffs could be heard strumming in the background as another clip came on screen. An eldery farmer by the name of Farmer Beardie Feel was shown staring at some snakes which were attacking a man in the waste disposal business. Farmer Feel shined a light in their general direction as he asked, "is anybody there?" Hmm maybe you just consider investing in some contact lenses son. We were then treated to a scene of Farmer Feel throwing rocks into the river, but he then ended up throwing himself into the river much to my delight and Watkins' dismay as he couldn't even bare to look at the screen while it was happening. I do wonder what Farmer Feel had sitting under his hat. Probably a catcus. Isn't that a bit dangerous? After that, a main menu came on screen. It was a picture of a big ole bumblebee glaring on a bus window. It looked mighty angry! "My that bee sure looks angry doesn't it?" Watkins asked me as I responded, "yes a little too angry if you know what I mean." I clicked on the main menu as I was surprised to then learn that this DVD was an episode of the hit show Franklin. I used to be a Franklin fan way back when, but that was until my brother lied that the show was cancelled because Franklin was skinned to death by Bear and was then made into turtle soup. Hmm.
The theme song was wrong, for starters, Franklin looked sad like really sad as he had his face stuck to the floor. There was some new scenes. Snail was shown laughing at Franklin which is when Franklin got angry. He reached inside his baseball cap, and pulled out a salt shaker. He poured the contents onto Snail causing him to melt into a bubbly paste. Thank bee for that i never liked Snail. Not only is he is extremely judgemental towards Bear for being so fat, he is also heavily involved in the number rackets and also was responsible for killing a good friend of mine. Slug goes by the name of Victor Morning. Morning used to frequent a bar controlled by Snail, and would ask for the grill cheese tarplate. He specifically asked for no salt, but what did Snail do. He gave the bugger a big old spoonful the size of the Empire Arms Hotel. "Oh I said no salt!" Morning cried as his mouth began to frough. Now, he's dead. Well in retrospect, Morning was pretty dumb too as realisticly speaking he should have been able to see the massive pile of salt sitting atop his grill cheese tarplate. The next part of the theme showed Bear singing with some frogs in a dimly lit nightclub. Hmm. Last and most certainly not least, the very last scene showed Franklin and Fox getting chased down the woodlands by a chainsaw wielding man wearing a potato sack atop his head. He chased them as he yelled, "aaah!" The episode then began with the title card appearing and it read, "Lost Our Beaver." Oh goodness I sure do hate Beaver. She is incredibly mean and she is even worse than Snail in my humble bumble opinion. You see; it is rather ironic that I used the word bumble when discussing something since I am a humble beekeeper after all. Ahem! The episode started with Mr Owl taking his class for a nature walk in an old abandoned woodland area which was said to be controlled by the Birkland Bears Baseball Team. Not a fan personally. Also, Mr Owl according to a disclaimer that briefly flashed on screen had declined to take part in the episode as the result of him wanting far too much money. In that sense, for this episode and this episode only, he was replaced by his husband Doctor Owl. A rather weird owl dressed in a purple dressing gown and voiced by Matt Berry. He was obsessed with crystals, and loved to keep them on his person at all times.
In spite of his seemingly undying love for crystals, Doctor Owl was willingly to forgo his urges to hold crystals every hour on the hour to pursue an affair with Blue Bird Moe. One time, everyone's kids got stuck in an old oak tree including Franklin, and Doctor Owl suggested using a pile of crystals for them to land on. "I think it would be better if we used something softer for them to land on like leaves for example." Blue Bird Moe suggested. No one had ever stood up to Doctor Owl regarding crystals before, and he respected that damn bird from then on out. Disney Wiki here we go! Ahem! Sorry I was fantasizing about old ladies turning into chocolate bars. It happens. Anyways, Doctor Owl wanted his students to find something in the woods that they could present in class on Monday morning. Franklin was walking for awhile, and he ended up falling backwards on an old stump after he got freaked out by a tree which had a face carved into it. It looked horrifying and like it was ready to bite your head off. "Hey be careful there!" Rabbit proclaimed as he lent Franklin a hand... or perhaps I should say paw so that he would be able to walk again like some kind of Fezziwig. Franklin got up from the dirty ground and brushed himself off before saying, "oh my that hurt it did.""Hey what's that?" Rabbit asked as he pointed towards the ground where we saw a diamond shaped stone which had the markings of the Corleone Family emblem. A blue box with Vito Corleone's face etched into it. Franklin sniffed the diamond shaped stone as he realised that this was no ordinary stone, but was actually a gift stone that was often placed inside specially marked boxes of Genco Pura Olive Oil. Only very few stones still exist, as the majority of them were buried in an old abandoned railway station which has been abandoned since an incredibly fat railway master took over so that he could lecture kids who walk along the tracks Jack. The railway master could fly, so could he be a fallen angel? Realising that the stone was worth quite a bit of value, Rabbit proclaimed, "Franklin this diamond is worth millions maybe even billions of bitcoins. I'll finally have enough to get out of the poor house." Rabbit lived in a poor house as a result of the recession and Mr Owl having his parents arrested for felony tax evasion, a crime they had never committed though Rabbit's father was heavily involved in counterfeiting a theory spearheaded by Tim Curry which turned out true when it was discovered the wily father owned a printing warehouse in Dukes. Rabbit and Franklin then began fighting about who discovered the stone first, and during their little squabble the blooming stone fell out of Franklin's hand and went flying to the other side of the woods where it ended up knocking Beaver on her nasty tail which had spikes on it so she could defend herself against the Wall Street tycoons who were sure to follow her to Drouser Station.
The stone shined on Beaver's middle toe, and it was brighter than any star in the sky. But not as bright as my middle toe I named it Joe! Picking up the gem, Beaver asked, "who threw that stone at me? Was it... YOU BEAR!?" Bear and that rat Snail had been hired to serve as Beaver's partners for the nature walk. Darn, I was kind of hoping that Snail's incredibly brutal and funny death in the show's opening theme would have been permanent, but alas it was not to be. While accusing Bear, he looked visibly terrified. Sweat poured from his brow as Snail suggested that maybe perhaps the stone could be worth something. Screw you Snail you don't know nothing! Beaver looked at the stone and rolled her eyes before getting ready to toss it in the garbage can while saying, "this stone is worth nothing!" Just as Beaver was about to chuck the stone out, she was grabbed by the neck by Doctor Owl who asked, "dearest dear Beaver, where did you get that stone?" "Um...." Beaver said very awkwardly like some kind of Spyro The Dragon. Bear spoke up for Beaver by standing in front of her and saying, "well she found it on the ground Doctor Owl. Someone had thrown it away. Dang shame if you ask me." "Hmm." Doctor Owl muttered as he pulled a weird face that was taught him to by the King of Hyrule. The King had taught Owl to make this weird face which looks like you're slightly aroused whenever you are pondering a ponder about how to make whoopie cushions make no sound. Doesn't that kind defeat the purpose of having a whoopie cushion though? I mean then you would just have a regular ole cushion. Doctor Owl kissed the stone as he proclaimed, "with this stone, Beaver you will be a zillionaire for this is no ordinary stone. This... this... this is a Corleone emblem embedded stone!" At that moment, a car pulled up in the woodlands with none other than the Duke David Dickinson himself getting out from it.
Franklin and Rabbit finally showed up, and found Beaver being praised by Dickinson who offered to showcase the stone at his private Corleone Family Museum. He was willing to pay Beaver 100 billion big ones for the little pebble."Hey that's our pebble!" Franklin barked as he charged at Beaver, but he was held back by three Wall Street tycoons who happily sticked a cigar in Beaver's mouth as they discussed her possibly buying City Hall. Franklin then tried to explain that twas he and Rabbit who discovered the stone, and then they accused Beaver of stealing it from them and as a consequence stealing their opportunity to strike it rich. Franklin was unable to accuse Beaver further as he was whacked on the head with a bell by Dickinson's bodyguard; Nester. Dickinson rubbed his chin on Nester's head as he asked rhetorically, "is that the real deal?" In a brief moment, Beaver had become the most famous person in all of Woodland. She was getting all kinds of offers especially after she declined Dickinson's offer to sell the pebble to the Corleone private gallery much to his dismay. Dickinson looked very sad, as he was still scourning over the colossal failure of Pleasure For Treasure. "It is my pleasure to find your treasure!" Dickinson proclaimed as he rubbed his chin on an incredibly fat con lady's hand, she was pretending to be a millionairess to con a member of the London Stock Exchange who has a thing for crossing guards and ice bergs of the New York variety. After turning down Dickinson's offer, Beaver ended up unintentionally stealing another one of Franklin's dreams which was to appear on Live Tonight With Murray Franklin. Murray was Franklin's hero, and the little turtle often dreamed about one day being able to high five that iconic talk show host. Franklin, Snail, Rabbit, and Bear watched Beaver's appearance on the Murray Franklin Show via the park's brand new TV which had been stolen by an elderly couple from Madrid who glare at you when you fall back onto their suitcases. They'll be dead soon anyhow. Well, that was quite dark. Yes! A little too dark if you know what I mean.
Sitting down in front of an old oak tree, Franklin took off his red baseball cap as he whined, "it's not fair! That stone was mine fair and square! I found it. It was going to make me rich!" "Calm down, Frankie baby." Bear said as he wrapped his big beefy shoulder around Franklin's shoulder. The pair proceeded to stare at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, all of the sudden the sly Rabbit played the song Power Of Love on a nearby stereo. Bear then proceeded to awkwardly excuse himself from the park area as he headed home. Confused, Franklin suggested that Bear has probably got a bad case of athlete's foot. Snail glared at Franklin as he said mockingly, "you and I both know Franklin that Bear never skips a meal. Never!" "Oh I've had it with your attitude you ugly little toe rag!" Franklin yelled at the very top of his lungs. He reached inside his red baseball cap, and pulled out a salt shaker. He took the shaker's lid off, and proceeded to pour the contents down onto Snail. Snail screamed in pain as he slowly boiled to death and dissolved into the cold hard ground. No one showed any concern over Snail's brutal death, even two patrolling policemen did nothing and simply rolled their eyes implying that Franklin likely paid them off with some gluten free brownies. Hmm, I once ate a gluten free brownie and it made me sick because the bloody thing had tar in it. It made me sick. Very sick. Franklin turned his attention back towards the TV, and saw Murray Franklin lead Beaver to the corner of the studio. Murray hugged Beaver as he said, "I would give anything for a daughter like you Beaver. But maybe consider changing that name. It's far too predictable and safety net like." Franklin then yelled, "that damn Beaver! She ruined me!" Rabbit tried to get Franklin to calm down, and head down to Kelso's to get some milkshakes and fries. Franklin left the park as he declared that if Beaver suddenly vanished off the face of the world he would be more than happy.
That evening, Franklin eventually grew to wish that following statement could hopefully one day come true. His parents kept gushing about how wonderful Beaver was. Also, Franklin had two men staying at the house as lodgers. They were weirdos named Jual and Carlos. The pair were actually not lodgers, and were actually repairmen who were attempting to fix the pipes in Franklin's kitchen. However another twist came up as the pair were actually conmen disguised as repo workers, they had a scam called The Dirty Water Scam where they would clog up the pipes of Woodland so that all the water would become very dirty. The pair were obsessed with dirty water. Carlos took a big sip from a big glass of dirty water as he began having a seizure as he cried, "now that's what I call ville water!" Jules latched onto his back like a spider as he said, "too long at sea Carlos!" The pair tricked Franklin into having a glass by pretending it was chocolate milk. Franklin took a big ole sip, and turned white like a ghost as he fell to the floor sick like a pick. Jules and Carlos stood above Franklin tsk tsking as Jules said, "you know son; Beaver would love our dirty water. She's a real bro. You son; are pathetic!" Franklin shot up from the floor like a bullet as he yelled at the top of his lungs, "I've had it! I wish Beaver would just disappear forever!" He then put his red baseball cap back on, and ran upstairs slamming his bedroom door tight behind him. He had needed to use the bathroom, but he couldn't because some rat named Monty had stuck a python in the toilet as a joke. Hmm Monty and a python? Hmm...ass biscuits.
The following day, Franklin was woken up early by two federal agents named Agent Goodman and Agent Ross. The pair were very cross because according to them, Franklin's friend Beaver has gone missing. Franklin rubbed his eyes in contempt as he asked, "what do you mean gone missing?" "You stupid or something son?" Agent Ross asked before continuing with, "she hasn't been seen since yesterday afternoon where she appeared on the Murray Franklin Show. We did some asking around the neighbourhood, and word around town is that you and her and a bit of a falling out is that so?" "Kind of." Franklin admitted as he was then rudely thrown down the stairs by Agent Ross. Agent Goodman believed that his partner was being a little too rude and far too direct when handling the turtle, so he offered to ask Franklin some questions while Agent Ross raided the fridge. Franklin's parents had gotten very lazy as they had gone off milk in the fridge. Ross poured some milk onto the kitchen table, and the bloody thing started crawling away almost as if a monster had been living inside the milk carton. Sitting down in the living room with a blue notebook which the two agents had dubbed The Little Blue Book, Agent Goodman begin his interview of Franklin by saying, "my colleague neglected to inform you dear child; Beaver was last seen leaving Television Centre when she got inside a car which had no license plate or even windows." Franklin was confused as he asked, "so how did you know she disappeared then?" Suddenly, an overweight lady came in and Agent Goodman identified her as being Margret Blaine a senior member of MI5. Blaine looked at Franklin as she said, "I personally escorted Beaver from the recording studio to her parents' car, or at least what I was led to believe was her parents car." She then continued with, "I talked with Murray Franklin's transport liaison Moliver Varles and he says that the car disappeared into the night. Not a trace of it anywhere. Not a single record." She then farted very aggressively as Franklin felt someone place a hand on his shoulder.
Agent Ross and Agent Goodman led Franklin outside of the house, and into their dusty old black cadillac. Franklin turned to face the house as he contemplated making a run for it. He was not responsible for Beaver going missing...was he? Perhaps his wish had come true. Rabbit and Fox were shown in the park area from yesterday holding a small funeral for Snail. They were using a shoebox from Shoezone as a makeshift casket. Also, some frogs were doing the singing. They sang "Live And Let Die," which greatly angered the conductor who desperately wanted a country and western version of the song Rule The World by Coldplay. Rabbit and Fox rejected that song because they considered it too retro and country like. Foolish turkey basters! Anyways, the pair stopped the funeral mid service as they noticed Franklin being driven down the street by the two federal agents. "Hmm...." Fox said as he then asked, "what could be keeping Franklin?" Needing some answers, the pair came across an old lollipop man sitting at a table on his break watching some Among Us let's plays. Fox proceeded to skin the lollipop man alive, but shan't let it bother me as the lollipop man in question was using his damn job as a means to get goodies like tins of Celebrations and bottles of Genco Pura Olive Oil out from the visiting university students. After getting rid of the lollipop man, Fox stole his uniform and lollipop stop sign and made his way over to the zebra crossing where the lamplighters were sure to be plying their trade. Just make sure to light the lamps, and not the rat okay fellas? Henry Tomasino would not like that I tell you what! Fox held the stop sign high in the air which caused the cadillac to come to a complete halt. Agent Ross got out from the car and got ready to yell at the foxy Fox, but he was held back by Agent Goodman.
Rabbit and Fox then asked what the two agents wanted with Franklin, and that's when Agent Goodman revealed that they had bugged Franklin's house because they had received a tip off that Franklin's father may be involved in rigging horse races so that the odds would always be won in his favour. They heard about Franklin's wish for Beaver to disappear, and rather conveniently I might add Franklin had made the wish exactly twenty minutes before Beaver went missing. This made Franklin their primary suspect in the case of the missing Beaver. They had not seen a case this bad since the case of the missing T-Rex doll, they only solved that case because a worm in an apple worked for them as a spy to avoid getting assigned to community service. Spending an entire Saturday picking up pot noodles that someone left in the parking lot of Sainsburys? No thank you no thank you indeed! Agent Ross aimed his shotgun at the pair as he and Agent Goodman departed from the scene. You know something; Franklin really could have escaped the car while the two agents were conversing with his homies. I mean the two agents had neglected to even tie the reptile up. Huh. "I don't believe them." Rabbit began as he sat down on a bench next to the scariest old lady you'd ever see. She offered Rabbit a sweet, He ate it and it made him gag as he then continued with, "I think our friend is being played for a fool. I mean yeah sure, Franklin resented Beaver for all of the attention that Corleone engraved stone got her, but so? He just made that wish in the heat of the moment, Doesn't mean she disappeared because of it." "So who do you think got rid of Beaver?" Fox asked curiously. The pair thought long and hard about it, but then they realised that dearest Bear was looking rather pleased with himself that morning as he strolled down the street to get some frosty chocolate milkshakes at Kelso's,
Also, Bear had not attended Snail's funeral, maybe because Bear's smart enough to realise that Snail is one of the worst characters in anything ever. Hate that blooming mollusk! He deserved to have salt poured on him! Over at Kelso's, Bear sat at the front table drinking from an extra large milkshake which Mr Kelso had given him on the house because he is a very nice man. Hey, come now not everyone is a meanie Beanie McJim okay? Bear sipped on the straw until he and the stool he had been sitting on were suddenly spun around by Rabbit and Fox who were now dressed as stereotypical 1930's detectives. Also, the episode was now being shown in a black and white format as the pair asked Bear if he had heard about Beaver going missing. "Yeah I heard. Tough break." Bear said as he was then asked if he heard anything about it. Bear pretended to be unknowing, but like a handsome priest from Czechoslovakia the pair of Rabbit and Fox were wise to his tricks. Rabbit smiled a smug face like some kind of Randall Weems as he threatened Bear with, "tell us what you know, or else Fox and I here will tell everyone in Woodland your little secret.... Your real secret that is." Bear gulped heavily as he began sweating bullets. Not literal bullets for he ain't a gun mister or misses. Bear then cried, "you wouldn't?!" "Oh wouldn't we?" Fox asked smuggly as he pulled out a megaphone out from his dusty black fedora, and he looked he was about to speak into it when Bear stopped him mid act as he said, "okay I'll talk. I overheard something about Beaver being held captive in the church. Way I see it; you get Beaver back you get Franklin's innocence proved to a fault." The pair then turned to leave Kelso's, but they were stopped by Mr Kelso who asked, "what some Beanie McGum kids?" He then reached inside an old barrel to find some gum, unaware that the barrel containing the Beanie McGum had been replaced with a barrel from Pop Up Pirate. Well buggering buggerton I will say yes indeed! Tis a bugger!
Bear left the store via the cat flap, and stuffed the stolen Beanie McGum into his pockets as he then offered to accompany Rabbit and Fox on their journey to de-frame Franklin. The trio stole some skateboards and began riding down the streets not knowing their every move was being watched by Mr Kelso who watched them leave from his shop window. He knew what they were up to, but he had no time to dwell on that as his favourite customer Gus had just arrived and appeared to have placed an envelope on the incredibly beautiful front desk. What's your secret Mr Kelso? Hmm, the trio's first stop was the church, and they were unable to get in at the front entrance, but then they realised that they actually had to ask the doorman to be let in. They asked him very politely as they were afraid the doorman may have been an undercover agent for Eddie Cat. The wily Cat was known for hiring butlers to enforce his good manners. Enforcing rules can't that lead to a catastrophe Mr Cat? Ushered inside the church with a bag of mandated popcorn, Rabbit, Fox, and Bear were dismayed to learn that the church's boss Lord Osmund Saddler had nothing to do with Franklin's imprisonment, and he was so furious when he learned about the trio accusing him of a crime he had not committed he forced them to clean the pipe organ. He handed Bear a chimney brush as he proclaimed, "grab a brush and start cleaning!" Dutifully, the trio cleaned the pipe organ as they were unable to leave the church due to Saddler's monk bros guarding the front entrance, The monks were armed with bow and arrows which had flames on them. Isn't that a tad drastic. Sadder then let it slip like a blip that he had actually seen Beaver in a car which was being loaded onto a transport crate which was then loaded onto a cargo boat on the order of one; Captain Haddock. Well the boat actually belonged to King Bob, but Haddock was just borrowing it for the weekend. "Where is Haddock now?" Bear asked as he began snarling like a mad bear, but Lord Saddler showed no fear instead he held his hand up which caused a field of energy to restrain Bear and he collapsed to the floor in pain. Worth noting, is the fact that Lord Saddler's fingernails were incredibly long and black. Give them nails a wash and a trim Osmund baby!
Lord Saddler pushed Bear aside and made his way over to the altar apparently preparing for the day's sermon. He smiled smugly over at Bear who was crawling around on the rotting church floor as he said, "perhaps you can resist, but you cannot disobey. Captain Haddock is over at the docks in Southport. If you hurry you might just be able to catch him." Finally, Lord Saddler released his hold over Bear, as the trio made their way out of the church, They were rudely pushed out the front door by Saddler's monk bros who then offered them a plate of cheese. They had shaped the cheese in the image of President Lincoln's head. Lord Saddler when did you become so noble? Meanwhile, Rabbit stuck his head through the church's cat flap which had been built specifically for Eddie Cat as he proceeded to inquire about an entry form to join Saddler's church. Saddler laughed hysterically, and responded to Rabbit's question by throwing a brick at his head. Over at the local jail, Franklin found himself being interrogated by Beaver's parents who offered to cut him loose foot loose if he were to reveal the location of their missing daughter. "I would like to confess Mr and Mrs Beaver, but I'm afraid I do not know where Beaver is for I had no involvement in whatever has happened to her." Beaver's father eyed Agent Goodman who leaned his fat booming body onto the table as he said, "time for us to sweat you like a pig." But Franklin was no pig. He was a turtle. When that grandfather clock reaches the 12 good things will happen. Sorry just remembering a little story that ole Uncle Remus taught me many a year ago at the old campfire sight in New Bordeaux. In order to make Franklin sweat, Agent Goodman decided that the best option would be to make the young turtle sweat like a sweater in Turkey. He forced Franklin to change into about 10 sweaters which were personally hand knitted by an old lady who was a personal friend of Goodman's. She used to answer the door to Goodman whenever he and Agent Ross went around the houses of Woodland to conduct the annual police survey; a survey which checks if all of the policemen are doing a good job in protecting the neighbourhood. I know about protection, and I don't mean that kind of protection.
You know, I heard that old lady entertains prisoners during the Christmas holidays, most of the prisoners were part of the Russian Mafia but she didn't let that little fact keep her down. Don't ever let them change your point of view! The sweater tactic was making Franklin sweat bullets, but it was getting the two agents anywhere much in terms of getting info out of the reptile. Agent Ross whispered into Goodman's ear as the pair both then nodded at each other, as Agent Ross turned to face a nearby police officer as he said, "send in Rhino." Not a rhino from Central Park Zoo, rather Marvel's Rhino. He slammed on top of Franklin, and the poor turtle was pinned to the ground as he begged for Rhino to be lifted off. Agent Ross put his Doc Martin boot on top of Rhino's back as he said, "not until you chew your food properly, and tell us where Beaver is." "I DON'T KNOW!" Franklin cried at the very top of his lungs as Rhino was really starting to hurt. He was a big boy, and these days he never changed out of his rhino costume because while on holiday in Gran Canaria he walked along the pool shirtless and was mocked by two men on a lillo for being so fat. Hmm, I wonder what the story was behind that. Rhino could possibly quite seriously crush Franklin to death as he crushed Electro to death in the middle of Lincoln Park. Electro begged for Rhino to get off from him, but his internal organs ended up bursting out from his mouth. Better call Silvermane. He tells the kids that walk along the Bronx that he is not Santa Clause, but I know his game. But what has he got a hold of Vercetti's leash? Vercetti ain't a dog so what pray tell be his angle? Oh my wickers! Sorry, I just got stung by one of my bees and I was rambling in an allergy induced insanity. Thankfully, Wilkens gave me the epi pen so I'm all okay now. Yes, I'm allergic to bees but work as a beekeeper what of it? This isn't a game.
With Agent Goodman and Agent Ross quite contented to have Franklin crushed to death by Rhino, the grandfather clock was ticking for the others as they finally reached the docks. At the docks, Bear was viewed with scrutiny by Captain Haddock's traitorous first mate; Brooker. Yet, Bear who was always a very resourceful bear shall we say was able to buy off Brooker by sticking a packet of red laces candy into the coat pocket of the wily Brooker. Paid in full, Brooker allowed to access the entire ship as Haddock was busy playing poker in the captain's quarters with two soldiers who may be on the Molinari Family's payroll, but what do I know? Ask Gord. Bear and the other two made their way onto Haddock's ship, and began marvelling the various exotic animals that Haddock had locked up, but his intentions were completely pure as he wanted to sell these animals to scientists up in New Hampshire, Sancy Glown himself was particularly interested in seeing what animals Haddock had caught in his metaphorical fishing net. There was one crate which caught Fox's eye, and it was marked; REPTILE. "Jackpot!" Fox proclaimed as he produced some crow bars out from thin air. "Crow bars up!" Fox joked as he, Rabbit, and Bear clanked their crow bars together in unison or perhaps unidaughter. Ha ha! Hmm, sorry that caught me off guard. Yes, indeed it really did! The trio unlocked the crate only to find to their dismay that there was no Franklin contained within those walls of wood, as a matter of fact there was a turtle named Verne who was obsessed with eating bark. "Mm blooming good that is!" Verne laughed as he took a big bite of a piece of bark. He offered Rabbit a piece. Rabbit ate it while Verne looked at him with a very weird face as his eyes were bulging out like Luca Brasi and his teeth were sticking out in a way that no turtle should ever be able to. Thinking that Verne was mocking them, Fox ordered for Bear and Rabbit to place him into handcuffs so that they could make him stand trial, but not a proper trial. No, they would instead give him a mock trial which meant a deaf judge who really needs to be fired but can't due to the prosecutor being his part-time lover. Guessing he can play the game of part-time lover then can't he?
Realising that he had a mutiny unloading on his hands, Captain Haddock managed to trick Brooker and the rest of the crew into the captain's quarters. Haddock made his way below deck and into the animal containment room. The door was locked, but Haddock was getting through very quickly as a result of his immense strength. "What now?" Bear asked Fox who responded with, "I think I may have an idea." Fox then got the pair to join him in facing a mirror which was located on the far side of the room. The trio each took turns jumping through said mirror, and when Captain Haddock arrived on the scene he made a dive for the mirror but ended up breaking it. He grabbed the mirror in frustration and threw it at ole Verne's head, and the mirror ended up decapitating the poor little anthempian. Haddock placed his hands upon his slick black hair as he cried, "what have I done!?" He then tried his best to stick Verne's head back on, but he was having no such luck in that regard. After venturing through the magic mirror, Bear and his cohorts found themselves in the Land Of The Livid Dead. Ha get it? They asked the locals about Beaver and her whereabouts, but they were unable to get any help until they freed all of the Teensie Ghosts who were really montone whenever they were set free from their cages heavily implying they are into it like some kind of drone. He's been a bad drone! Ahem! Sorry about that, Bill Buck would not be proud of me for getting distracted like that. The ghost Teensies were actually very kind in spite of their monotone exterior as they flew Bear, Fox, and Rabbit to the top of the cathedral where Beaver was being held... not as a prisoner but rather as a guest by Lord Owlsburg. Lord Owlsburg was among the new generation of chat show hosts, with a barely hidden contempt for old farts like Murray Franklin. He was just a little too respectful. It was said that when he was a young owl rolling cigars down in Queens, Owlsburg had been a childhood friend of Barzini. I heard that.
Lord Owlsburg was getting really poor ratings for his talk show Owlsburg Talks Back as the only people in the Land of the Livid Dead that he could actually interview were the Ghost Teensies. He did try interviewing this spider cyborg thing, but the cyborg told really edgy jokes which caused the show to be cut off early. Cut off early? This shall not go untolerated! The cyborg spider attempted to wreck havoc upon the dockyards stopping anyone from being able to reach the doctor's office, but he eventually learnt his lesson when an oil rig exploded in the lake next door. A pelican landed in the lake, and looked very sad as it slowly suffocated to death in the oil all the while singing, "I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I live in." Oh shut up pelican incidental 421! You saw the oil rig explode ya beaky beaker! Beaver was being held in a cage eating gone off white Snickers bars, but Owlsburg refused to let her go free unless the three musketeers listened to his song. Climbing atop an old stump, Owlsburg wiggled his fingers about as he sang, "twiddly dee twiddly dee!" He then got stopped mid song after he ended up getting a splinter jammed in his talon. Sensing an opportunity, Bear and the others offered to take Owlsburg to the doctor and pay for his medical bills in exchange for Beaver going free. "It's got to be done." Owlsburg said like some kind of Mrs Moore as he was carried down the steps on a stretcher by Rabbit and Fox. At the doctor's office, Doctor Lampshade attempted to con the pair into visiting another doctor who lived in Clearleaf Forest as he was part of a massive insurance scam, but Fox was able to blackmail Lampshade by threatening to expose what Lampshade really did with that plant he claimed to be of the tomato variety. "You make a good point." Lampshade admitted as he pulled out a pair of tweezers from his big meaty snoz, and he then yanked the splinter out from the sole of Owlsburg's talon.
Thinking quickly, Doctor Lampshade held up a pink umbrella as he proclaimed, "problem solv..." He was cut off as nasty pus began oozing out from Owlsburg's talon which disgusted almost everyone with the exception of a fly who was sitting in the waiting room. The fly had a thing for going down people's throats, and drinking plum juice from their internal organs. With all the splinter ordeal dealt with, Owlsburg made sure to keep up his end of the bargain by allowing for Beaver to go free. He pressed a small red button on a little device which made a small green portal appear beside him as he said, "I have to go and chuck some corn." Franklin had finally been released from Rhino's hold, and was getting ready for his big court case. To prepare for the big day, Franklin's parents arranged for their good friend and Donald Trump lookalike; Officer Oakton to teach Franklin what to say to the judge's questions. Oakton was a very weird man as he took Franklin to a park as he said, "okay Franklin I'm going to tell you a little story all about strangers." However instead of telling the story, Officer Oakton proceeded to stare awkwardly at Franklin before grabbing a nearby boy with rat teeth and an incredibly bad haircut in a headlock. "That won't be necessary! A voice called out in the distance as none other than Beaver herself appeared pn the scene accompanied by Bear, Rabbit, and Fox who were pulling the smuggest faces that you'd ever see. Bear even had his blooming arms crossed. Oh come now Bear that's a little too smug now isn't it? Hmm, Franklin upon seeing Beaver had his tears forming in his eyes as he cried, "Beaver!" He gave Beaver a big old hug, and that's when Beaver explained the full monty... well she waited until everyone had gathered around a campfire including Agent Ross, Agent Goodman, Rhino, Franklin's parents, Mr Kelso, Murray Franklin, Officer Oakton, and the entire rest of the band really.
After appearing on Live Tonight With Murray Franklin, Bear was greeted in her room by Owlsburg who had climbed in through her window. Beaver reacted indifferently as she read from a newspaper which stank of moldy cheese as she then asked in a rather arrogant tone although that's hardly out of place for Beaver if we're being honest here people, "can I help you? You want an autograph or something?" After Owlsburg explained the problems he had been having with getting a good guest to appear on his show, Beaver happily accepted his offer to appear on Owlsburg Talks Back. Time in the Land of The Livid Dead worked a lot differently compared to Woodland as it had been like a week in Woodland since Beaver's disappearance, but she revealed in her time she had only been gone less than 45 minutes. She had intended to send Franklin and the others a letter explaining her uncalled for absence, but the printer got jammed. Mega jammed. Jarringly, her parents were aware of her appearing on Owlsburg's show, but they were under contract to not tell anyone about it. The episode then ended with Franklin and the others having a massive fiesta which ended with Beaver whacking down a pinata which looked like Don Corleone, thereby bringing the entire episode full circle. The episode ended with the normal credits, but there was a SICK post credit scene which had Rayman's face appearing on screen on a black background. He winked at me which caused the bloody DVD to explode as it just couldn't handle the wink of the mighty Rayman. The explosion radius was so massive in fact that it actually managed to wipe out my entire platoon of bumblebees or at the least the ones that had been assigned to watch the DVD with Wilkins and I.
Suddenly, a black car shaped like a coffin pulled up on the pavement and a man with a bald head got out from it accompanied by a lady holding a clipboard and parker pen. She had gotten the pen just for inquiring. I had never in all of my days seen such force in one man with the exception of Luca Bras that is. Whatever happened to Luca anyhow? "I know him." Wilkins said while attempting to hold back his utter disdain for the butchers across the street which was known to close its doors every December the 25th. Foolish Wilkins don't you know? Charge their doings to them not us! Wilkins identified the bald guy as Doctor Slicer; a notorious former middle school principal who had come to Birkland in an attempt to get into the beekeeping business. He had radically different views on beekeeping compared to Wilkins and I as he believed that the poor little bumbles needed discipline in order to survive. Discipline discipline was a thing as Colonel Harthi once said! I walked on over to Slicer, and attempted to earn a chance to rub my gloved finger along his bald head as I asked, "hey Slicey baby how's it hanging?" Slicer turned to face me, and got down to my level as he was much taller than I. He pointed at me as he said, "I received a call from a friend of mine; Dice Master. Says you have no idea how to run a beehive. Starting Monday, I will be looking after your bees and you will be retiring permanently. For your information boy, my name is not Slicey, it is Doctor Slicer. I used to look after fire ants over in Burbank." Doctor Slicer stuck an embarrassing paper hat on my head which had been written on with red marker and it read and I quote, "beekeeper no more." Ole Slicey baby wasn't kidding either as he had revoked my beekeeping license, and got it banned across the state by a former friend of mine in the courts. Having no other options, Wilkins and I packed up our bags and moved to Spooky Swamp where we tried our hand at becoming street poets.
Much like Ned Flanders and his Leftorium, our dreams ended up crashing down like a noun in a park having a lark as we abandoned our dreams of becoming street poets in favour of becoming postmen. Sadly, the mere idea of written correspondence is completely wasted on these savages who happily stick muskets in our faces the second we knock upon their doors. Also, one lovely little girl sent her pet Rottweiler after me, and I spent the entire afternoon hanging from a tree branch hoping that the Rottweiler would not tear me to shreds. I needed something something extraordinary that could get the people of Spooky Swamp to stop attacking me, and to start writing some letters. One day, I stuck my head through some family's hatch on their door as I tipped my hat like a proper gentleman as I proclaimed, "hi there!" The savage house owners threw everything at me until I left including pitchforks, chickens, and even electrical equipment. Eventually realising that being a postman was not my right job, I began to lose hope that someone would come along, but that's when a firefly named Montagew suggested I go to the head honcho of Spooky Swamp; Sleepyhead a blooming rhynoc who always wears pajamas and also a nightcap which may contain Jimmy Kimmel's face. Hmm, I really hope not.
Wilkins had found his footing as a professional candle lighter, but was highly supportive of me in my attempts to become a postman, and when I suggested going to work for Sleepyhead ole Wilkins was nothing short of supportive of me. Sleepyhead had become a different rhynoc ever since his defeat at the claws of Spyro The Dragon, as he placed me in charge of his operations with the Longshore Union. I would have to work such long hard hours, but in the end it would be worth it. I also worked in one of Sleepyhead's many pillow factories. A pillow factory may sound really cute and nice in a storybook by Disney, but in reality they are a nasty place and there was a mess wherever you stepped! Pillows are loaded onto a conveyor belt and then beaten and made into shapes by a machine which looks like it came straight out of a SAW movie. You know with all that said, I know it may not be beekeeping, but let's face it here it could honestly be a whole lot worse. Yes indeed, it certainly could, I have to go now as Sleepyhead wants me to go to the park in order to listen to some old duffer policeman tell me a story about what to do when I'm around strangers. Hmm, that sounds awfully familiar. Despite telling me a story all about strangers, the policeman really wanted to tell me a story about peacocks who glare at you while the most cheesy song plays in the background about how you should mock goats in your pastime. Right I better bee off. Ha get it? Oh wait, I can't do bee related puns anymore since I'm no longer a beekeeper. Well bugger.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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