MY DAD.EXE
How it all started...
When I was younger, I played a lot of Crash Bandicoot on the PlayStation, but at some point, I grew out of playing such a baby console, (Mostly because I would get beat up at school for saying that I played on it) so I moved on to more big boy consoles like Xbox and such, which unfortunately lacked Crash. I mean, it did have A crash game, but it was dogshit so let's pretend it doesn't exist. Anyways, many years after the transition, I found myself wanting to play Crash Bandicoot again now that I was permanently kicked out of school for shitting in the principal's coffee cup. Unfortunately, my parents already sold my PlayStation a while ago, but I still had the discs for Crash 1, 2 and 3, so I was determined to find some way to play these old games again. I looked online on EGay and looked for a cheap PlayStation I could order. After hours of scrolling through overpriced offers made by jobless gacha addicted beached whales, I finally came across a cheap PlayStation on the 666th page for only $6.66! It looked dirty, worn by time and most importantly, covered in weird red stuff. Probably someone's period blood lol but it's better than nothing. Right as I was already pressing "confirm" to finalize my order, I noticed for a split second that the price suddenly changed to $666 instead of $6.66. Did the price really just change on me? No, it was probably just a glitch. I shrugged it off and decided to go lay in my bed when suddenly, I heard stomping come from the hallway outside my room. I heard a loud thudding against my door. Right as I was about to open the door, it flew right off the hinges and knocked me to the ground. The person who did this was none other than my dad.
Me vs Daddy
His face was red, his eyes were bloodshot and he breathed heavily like a bull. Before I could open my mouth to say anything, he quickly pulled his belt off and smacked me across the face with it. "YOU SPENT SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX DOLLARS ON A PLAYSTATION?" he shrieked before striking me again. I forgot to mention that I was using my dad's credit card, but anyways, I suppose what I saw was true. The site really did change the price up on me, but why? This was the least of my worries now, as my dad had me pinned underneath my door and was disfiguring my face with the metal end of his belt. I quickly reached for his belt the next time it drooped close to me and pulled it out of his hands. I lashed him in both eyes and he started to bleed from them. He reminded me a lot of Sonic.exe with his newly bloodied eyes, so I was really scared now. I began peeing my pants and screaming as I ran around the room with a rampaging middle-aged man following close behind me, only being able to know where I am through my screams. As the room floor became drenched in piss, it became more slippery and caused to dad lose his footing and slip right out the window. I poked my head out of the window and saw my dad on the concrete, dead. Good thing my neighbors weren't home, or they probably would've told on me to my mom when she got back from work. I dragged my dad's body back into the house on bedsheet in an attempt to not leave a bloody trail behind and hauled him back up to my room to try to figure out what to do with him. I didn't know how to drive yet, so dumping him in a river or lake was out of the question, so I decided I'd dispose of his body with my tummy. I cut him up into little pieces like bacon and proceeded to set up a shitty mini lifehack grill made out of a lighter and a hallowed-out soda can.
Oh and Crash.exe too I guess
As I was cooking daddy's meaty goodness, I at one point looked behind me and saw that the PlayStation I ordered was sitting next to my TV. That's weird, I don't recall to even taking this into the house yet. Let alone, even checking the mail today. I guess some of the $666 I spent went into express delivery. But nonetheless, I decided I'd play it while waiting for my dad to cook, as this lifehack grill really sucked at cooking stuff in a timely manner. I put Crash 1 into the disc drive, booted the console up and had the stupidest experience of my life. Something something Crash having blood hyper-realstic red eyes, his enemies dying when being killed instead of flying off screen, Cortex having his head put on a wooden stake by Crash, the usual cliche stuff. I guess I accidentally ordered one of those "haunted" consoles, which was annoying because I was really looking forward to playing some good ol' Crash again. Each time a long elaborate cutscene of Crash cutting someone's wiener off or whatever played. I'd continue tending to my dad's meat and stacked each fully cooked piece of meat on a plate for later. At the end of the baby's first horror slideshow, Crash looked directly at me through the screen. There was nothing but a black background and him, staring right at me with empty eye sockets and red lights where his eyes should be. After 2 minutes of awkward silence, he began to speak; "I... am... go- wait what the fuck." his expression quickly went from menacing to shocked. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I was caught off guard by his sudden breaking of character. Perhaps he noticed my piss-soaked floors from earlier? "What's wrong?" I asked. He responded, but not before gagging a little bit, seemingly just barely catching himself from throwing up "Are you seriously eating well-done meat? Even worse, with no seasoning?". I looked down at my plate and noticed th.at the meat was all cooked to be well-done. I hadn't really been paying attention to how I was cooking my dad's meat, as I was multitasking between cooking it and watching the cutscenes on the game. Some pieces weren't even well-done, but actually just straight up burnt. "W-well, i-i..." I muttered before Crash stepped out of the TV. He leaned his head out of my open window and shouted "HEY GUYS, LOOK! THIS GUY EATS WELL-DONE MEAT." Suddenly, a crowd of people from the neighborhood hastily made their way to my house and walked into my room to point and laugh at me. I was so embarrassed and curled up into a ball on the floor. Even my dad's ghost rose from his rotting corpse and started laughing at me. Crash kicked me in the balls and left the house alongside everyone else in the neighborhood. This is the worst day ever. This wouldn't have happened if my dad didn't suck fuck.
Written by Scented Sarin Gas
Content is available under CC BY-SA
| Comments • 1 |
Loading comments...
|
