Marvin the Tap Dancing Horse (Lost Episode)
This is a fictional joke story written by Schizima. Don't take it seriously.
Marvin the Tap Dancing Horse is the pinnacle of all of our futures. The show about the tap dancing horse warmed our hearts and made us feel like all was right with horses, sexy horses, silky manes, warm horse fur and voluptuous horse hooves.
Something REALLY weird happened to me one day while I was watching a lost episode of Marvin the Tap Dancing Horse that I found at the bargain bin of P. Farnibus' Party Plaza, a local trinket store in southern Louisiana.
Marvin was crying and missing teeth on the cover, and it looked like he had a broken leg. And you know what they say about a horse with a broken leg... it needs to heal. Marvin began to tapdance, and I began to cry tears of joy at this intense VHS viewing experience- the best, greatest of all time, classic. Marvin, my hero, my love... a horse among horses, a horse among gods, a god among horses.
It's really the only thing I can trust in this cold, dark and weary world. Marvin dancing, doing his little tapdance in the big top of the circus, dancing his dance. Then I heard someone scream "They're eating horse meat!" and the tape clipped, with Marvin making a shocked expression... the tape... the tape zooming, and zooming into Marvin's disheveled horse hole in his face, his horse mouth. "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
The crowd wasn't moving, and I looked in the crowd, was it...? No, it couldn't be. I... I don't know how to say this. It... was very obviously... a drawing of Bob Saget, who played Danny Tanner on Full House. He was the father of Michelle, Stefanie, DJ and baby Mary Kate. He was just in the crowd, smiling. It was clearly him... why was he there? Why would Bob Saget be in a lost episode of Marvin, the Tap Dancing Horse?
He wasn't moving at all, as the horse performed tricks. He tapdanced, he spun in a circle, he did a dance called "The fruit fly mango" which consisted of him eating a mango covered in fruit flies. Dancing, and swaying, demanding the attention of the audience, who upon closer inspection clearly included skeletons. WHY THE FUCK would skeletons be watching a horse tapdance? That didn't concern me though, it was that Saget character. He snuck into the crowd, and I saw a sinister wink, as he slipped behind the sleeve of the tent and disappeared from view.
Unlucky for him, I could simply rewind. I wanted to know why Bob Saget, who played Danny Tanner on Full House, would be randomly appearing in this lost episode.
I rewound slowly, back and to the left, he slips behind the tent, knocks over a clown holding cheese blintzes, winks, and- did I just see him give the middle finger? It only lasts one frame but he's clearly giving the finger. What the fuck was going on?
I decided to continue watching. This was disturbing. After he slid behind the tent, the horse just continued to dance, but I had a strong feeling he was conspiring in the background. I just got an eerie feeling, and a sound, like nails on chalkboard appeared as Marvin's eyes grew blood red and he screamed. Someone had released a tiny field mouse onto the stage! The animation was very low quality, but here he was drawn very realistically, with high detail given to his nostril and other facial holes. He squealed, kicked up his horse hooves, and almost fell off the stage! His teeth were chittering, he was neighing loudly, screaming screams of horse terror, as he continued to kick and fall off the stage, stepping on the skull of an audience member and killing him.
Two chunky ass clowns come in a clown car, pick up the dead body and put it in a stretcher, put it in their clown car, drive off and hit a brick wall and the car explodes.
The horse continued to tapdance. What the fuck was going on? Nelvana would never release such a tape! Don't confuse Nelvana with Nirvana, the grunge artists who released such hit singles as "Rape Me" and "Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Horse Saddle." This shocked, confused, horrified, scared, even shocked me exceptionally more than previously mentioned.
Saget was in the corner smiling. It was clearly Bob Saget. I would recognize that face anywhere. I see it in my dreams... he's always watching me. He told me the world would end once, but that was a lie, but now...here he was. THE Bob Saget, who played Danny Tanner on Full House, smiling a sinister smile. Holding a banana peel, fondling the banana peel, and some hay in his pocket, produced to feed poor marvin, who tapdanced over to eat some. "Want some hay?" It was the voice of Bob Saget, I know I heard this before, this was so strange. A drawing of the devil, and some dead bodies including dead naked women with visible breasts was in the background. They were bleeding, and a pit of corpses was beneath them, with some of their hair being held by the realistically drawn picture of satan, who held a pitchfork, smiled a sinister smile, it was the most disturbing image I'd ever seen.
Marvin began to tapdance over the image, trying to cover the nudity and blood with his own naked horse body. Horses aren't naked, they have fur. But then he screamed "I'm naked too!" And started to dance over the drawing, tapdancing faster, wearing tiny tap shoes, crying, screaming, neighing, until he was forced to eat the delicious hay.
"No Marvin!" I screamed, grabbed the tv, almost ripped the VHS tape out, but I knew it was to no avail. This is just a recording of a transcription of something somebody somewhere thought of and drew, not real except as an idea, shocking and horrifying as it may be. Saget smiled, threw the banana peel on the floor, and vanished behind the curtain.
I shut the tape off.
I called Nelvana studios, but it was a Canadian number, and I would be charged $3.99 a minute to find out more information. I hung up the phone and chose to continue watching. Marvin lay there with a broken leg. Crying, neighing for help. And then, I swear you won't believe me, but the drawing of Bob Saget came out and tried to have sex with the horse.
"Get out of there Marvin!" I screamed. Bob Saget leered angrily. He was pissed. He leered at the camera, at me. The animators had drawn him looking at the fake camera. "You don't mention me for years? And then this?" He takes off his shoe and throws it at the camera.
The tape exploded.
I screamed as the tape caught fire, and then several horses outside did a conga line, demanding Marvin, using their horse mouths and vocal chords to vocalize, almost speak English. Who in God's name had trained them to do this?!
He was out there.
Bob Saget. "Bob Tanner? Danny Saget?!" He screamed.
He started to dance, and sing a very odd song. "Just say no, to horse sex. Horse sex is wrong, no one can have sex with horses,
Except horses.
Many people died trying to fuck a horse
And Marvin doesn't deserve that of course
If a horse tries to have sex with you, call 9-1-1
And if a horse has a broken leg, you have to shoot it with a gun"
Indeed he started having sex with a dead horse, covered in flies, with its eyes bulging out, a shotgun blast to the face had clearly killed it. He wasn't having sex with it, he was just thrusting his clothed groin in the air, to taunt me, to cajole me into going outside.
I didn't want to watch this, but it wasn't a tape... this was reality. And you can't turn off reality.
The horse's tap shoes were covered in blood, and I could see horse tears streaming down its horse face. I started to scream, and scream, scream in horror, as Bob Saget took out a pen paper. He wrote "Is Your Throat Hoarse?" and held it up, mocking, taunting me, condemning me for every caring about this poor tapdancing horse, who just wanted to dance, as horses do. He took out a screwdriver and started jimmying the lock on my door, and when he got in my home, he just stood there. He chased me around the house, flinging microwaves and dish soap as I huddled in the corner closet with the door locked, shoving a kitchen knife under the door to keep Saget's fingers from clawing into the door frame, and stealing my mortal soul.
The set of Full House is just a state of mind, and we are all little Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen on the inside. I screamed, cried, and he punched me in the face, punched me in the balls, kicked me in the neck, spit on me, slapped my face and drew "Bob Has Had Enough" on my naked ass with a sharpie. I retreated to the bedroom, screaming, as he had a fanny pack full of plastic horses which he threw at me with great aplomb, flinging them at my head, and my nipple, and my armpit.
I fell over, with bruises, crying, as he pushed me toward the bed, shoved me into the bed, demanded to know where Marvin the tapdancing horse was, and tucked me into bed. He gave me a warm glass of horse milk and took out a book of horse bedtime stories: bedtime stories for horses.
"They're just rules, Michelle." Bob Saget smiled, how did he know my name was Mitchel? "Sex with horses seems like fun and games until you die of horse sex, or get horse STDs, or the horse steps on your skull and breaks your neck. Then you're in a pit of hell, with Lucifer standing on your back with his cloven hooves, stabbing you with his pitchfork, telling you that you are beyond redemption, and you are tied to a boulder made of horse skeletons which is being pushed up a hill of horse skeletons, and-" I grabbed my lamp and smashed it on his head. Bob Saget fell down, but continued to speak. "We all have these dreams Michelle." He laughed. "We all want to have sex with our tapdancing horses, but-"
He started to strangle me with a landline telephone cord, demanded to know where the Full Horse, Mr. Ed and Marvin the Tapdancing horse VHS tape was, but before I could respond he kept choking me, but it was just a telephone cord and not at all painful, just slightly irritating. "You're not making this easy, Michelle."
He shoved his dick in the VHS tape player and I screamed. He got electrocuted, and the electricity was so strong that his flesh immediately burned away, and he was a skeleton underneath.
Then... the curtain rose. I was on stage, with skeleton Bob Saget, fucking a VHS tape player, me in my pajamas, age 36, with a teddy bear, while an audience of horses kicked up their hooved heels, neighed, and applauded with horseshoe claps. Then, the voice of Dave Coulier, who played Joey, spoke, though at a low muffled tone. "Full Horse was taped in front of a live horse audience. Special thanks to Marvin the horse!" Someone pulled a lever, and a dead horse with a broken leg fell from the roof, instantly cracking my skull as skeleton Saget slowly exited stage right, smiling.
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