Mr. Lopart's Sadness
Let me tell you a story about a little mouse who owns a little blouse. Sorry about that. I'm just really eager to share my musical talents with the likes of you dear readers out there. Anyways, my name is Leonard Patterson and I am a spider. What's it like being a spider? Well to be honest; it's rather boring and dull as I always get tossed aside and beaten by newspaper wielding old ladies. It's honestly just downright depressing how badly we spiders are treated at times. I mean all I want to do with my life is be a singer. Is that so much to ask?
Like a lot of spiders; I live in a small incredibly dark and damp burrow underground which is always dark. There's never any light which makes my days just a little extra sad. I hate how badly I am treated by humans really I hate it. They treat me and my species like absolute scum. I mean I know we spiders aren't the best looking things in the world but I mean come on! I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I was a human instead of a spider. I'd probably be a world famous musician living it up in the Vinewood Hills by now.
Now because living in an underground burrow fricking sucks; I often sneak into people's houses in order to make myself a new home. This doesn't last very long as I'm soon chased out by a broomstick. How sad. Sorry I got a little something in my eye. Anyways, I often try my best to find somewhere in the house to hide during the day so that the humans don't see me. I usually try and hide away in a small darkened area of the houses like the basement or attic. It usually doesn't take very long until I am discovered by the owners of the house who promptly throw me out or at the very least try their best to kill me. Now because I'm a pretty stupid spider; I continue to visit people's homes despite humans proving to me time and time again that they hate me I still continue to try and sneak in. Until today.
It all started on a horrible stormy night in the middle of May. I was just chilling outside freezing my spidery legs off when I noticed that the front door to a nearby house had been left open. I scurried across the wet and smelly garden until I made my way inside the house. I then scurried my way into the living room, and then crawled up a nearby window sill which overlooked the television.
Not even two minutes after I had made my arrival; I heard two loud voices coming from the front door. "I can't believe you left the front door open Ken!" One of the voices could be saying as the two aforementioned people finally entered the living room. One of the people was a huge Rugby player with a serious hatred for bees and other insects named Ken. While the other was a hardcore chewits addict and serious werido named Binky the clown. The pair began moaning about how they had lost a game of bingo to a fricking bee. "I'm telling you Binky those balls must have been rigged." Kenny said while making cups of hot sweet tea in the kitchen. "Well that sounds like a right old sticky wicket if I may say so myself." Binky said as he sat his butt down on the sofa, and switched the TV on with the remote.
While Binky did; I scanned around the house with my eyes and saw that the pair appeared to be struggling musicians. There was instruments all over the place, and there was a picture of the local karaoke club plastered on the wall just above the fireplace.
So as I was saying earlier; Binky switched the channel over to Disney Junior, and saw that a brand new episode of Handy Manny was coming on in ten minutes after an episode of PJ Masks. "Hey Ken come in here quick! Handy Manny's starting in ten minutes!" Binky proclaimed happily as Ken entered the living room carrying two cups of steaming hot tea. He was also carrying a huge bowl of Doritos and another huge bowl full to the brim with guacamole.
I was very confused as spiders often tend to be. What was I confused about? Well my friends; I was confused as to why Disney Junior would be airing a brand new episode of Handy Manny when that show ended decades ago. It ended just before Playhouse Disney changed into Disney Junior. I wonder what the story was behind that. For those uncultured swines out there; Handy Manny is an animated show set in the fictional town of Sheet Rock Works. The show centres around a repairman named Manny who owns a repair shop along with a small group of anthropomorphic talking toons. Manny is often annoyed by the antics of the sinister but rather dumb Mr Lopart who owns a candy store with his dumb cat named Fluffy.
I crawled my way onto the top of the sofa in order to get a better look at the television. Luckily, Ken and Binky didn't seem to seem notice me as I began munching on some of Ken's Doritos which he didn't really seem to notice. "Here hey look it's starting!" Binky proclaimed while dancing like a mad man as the announcer said, "up next is a super special brand new episode of Handy Manny. Oh and by the way sit the fuck down you dumb clown!" The announcer's rude words were so offensive that actually caused Binkie to topple back down onto the sofa. I guess to me he's just a clown who picks me up each time I'm down. Ha!
The episode began with the theme song which quite frankly just wasn't right. The people singing in the background were replaced by Big Shaq. When Manny said "good morning" to Kelly she responded by giving Manny the middle finger. Also, when Mr Lopart was shown struggling to get his door open the door knob came off as normal. Mr Lopart then threw the door knob at Manny's head which ended up knocking him out. During the par, where everyone stares on in amazement as Manny's tools show what they can do. There was no music. It was just awkward silence as loud distracting cough noises could be heard playing in the background.
The episode then started with the title being shown on screen and it read, "Mr Lopart's Sadness." The episode began with Mr Lopart arriving at his candy store one morning. He tried his best to open the door but couldn't open it for love or move. "Oh come on! Please open!" Mr Lopart pleaded as he tried his best to get the door to open but it just wouldn't budge. Mr Lopart then sighed a small sigh. He realised that if he was going to open this door he needed Manny's help.
At Manny's repair shop, Manny and the tools were shown Scrabble as Mr Lopart rudely barged in without even knocking on the door. "What do you want Mr Lopart?" Manny asked in a gruff voice not at all like himself. Manny also for some reason didn't have a Spanish accent no instead he sounded like Jacksepticeye. "Well Manny I was just wondering if you'd help me fix my door?" Mr Lopart asked as Manny yelled, "heck no I'm busy Mr Lopart you annoying bald headed freak!" Manny then proceeded to beat Mr Lopart to a pulp before throwing him out onto the streets. Manny walked out of the store, and forced Mr Lopart's face to face him. "Consider this a warning. You ever interrupt me and my tools while we play scrabble again then I will kill you." Manny warned as he made his way back into the repair shop.
Mr Lopart made his way down the busy streets of Sheet Rock Works. What a dumb name for a town am I right? Also, Ken and Binky didn't seem to notice anything was up with the episode as they were busy browsing their phones. Oh what simps! Mr Lopart decided that he wanted to go to a nearby Ikea to ask if they have building supplies. Also, Fluffy ran across the street and ended up getting ran over and killed by a car. Mr Lopart for whatever reason didn't seem to notice as he made his way across the street.
Arriving at Ikea, Mr Lopart made his way towards the top floor of the building which is where they kept all of their building supplies. For whatever reason, Mr Lopart ended up getting lost in the store. He spent several hours upon hours trying to find his way out. He just couldn't do it for whatever reason. It wasn't until an hour after closing, that Mr Lopart was confronted by a big muscly and incredibly dangerous security guard named Big Jim Tim. Big Jim Tim was a huge man with an even larger temper. Big Jim Tim appeared in front of Mr Lopart and asked, "why are you in the store!?" "I got lost." Mr Lopart explained as Big Jim Tim asked, "you got lost?"
Big Jim didn't buy Mr Lopart's story at all, and instead had Lopart taken downtown to the local police station. At the police station, Mr Lopart was interrogated by commissioners Sam and Max who demanded to know where Mr Lopart had hidden the diamonds. "Diamonds? What are you talking about Officer?" Mr Lopart asked as he was given a massive slap across the face from Sam's gloved hand. "We're asking the questions here Mr Lopart." Sam barked harshly as he had Mr Lopart thrown into a cell.
The episode then cut to black before coming back to show Mr Lopart leaving the police station covered in ketchup. I certainly hoped it was ketchup anyway. It looked like a bunch of hot air to me! Mr Lopart made his way down the streets towards his candy store and saw that Manny was busy repairing the door knob. Mr Lopart tried his best to thank Manny but he was having none of it. "Look don't worry about it Mr Lopart." Manny said before continuing with, "now if you could please leave me alone for the rest of the day as I have a very important meeting today."
Manny then proceeded to explain to Mr Lopart that he was meeting with some very important but still very boring and dull alumni from Northwestern Medical School who wished to interview Manny for admission to the university. Manny then left to get himself ready for his big interview while Mr Lopart made his way inside his candy store. He looked downright depressed as he finally seemed to acknowledge the death of his beloved cat. Mr Lopart then decided that in order to truly make things up for Manny; he would prepare Manny a huge platter of cookies in order to say sorry.
Two hours later, Mr Lopart was shown heading towards the repair shop while carrying a huge baking tray full to the brim with freshly biscuits. Manny meanwhile was shown being interviewed by the Northwestern alumni. "We just want to get to know you better." One of the alumni said as they gave Manny a friendly tap on his stomach. "These interviews are something of a formality. I think its crucial however that we like minded people get to talk about sugar-phosphate backbones." Manny said confidently as the head of the group said, "well Manny I think Northwestern would be delighted to have someone like you at their university."
Just as Manny was going to shake the alumni's hand, the door swung open as Mr Lopart came in holding the baking tray. "Hey Manny I brought coo... oh sugar honey ice tea!" Mr Lopart cried as he ended up tripping over his shoes as he had completely forgotten to tie them for some reason. He ended up dropping a huge flask of boiling hot tea onto the interviewees. Manny then yelled, "Mr Lopart!" "Oh dear." Mr Lopart said as he finally reached the cold hard ground.
The episode then cut to show a brief clip of a panda trying to sell you some biscuits. "Me want bisquits." The panda said. The episode then showed another brief clip which had a man mumbling something under his breath whilst eating a meal fit for a king or perhaps a king fit for a meal. Ha! All of the sudden, a really dumb looking animated squirrel hopped onto the table which said, "and now here's something you'll really enjoy!" I wanted to punch that annoying fricking squirrel right in it's mouth. It was so damn annoying!
The episode FINALLY came back to show the interviewees being taken to the hospital because of how bad the burning was. Mr Lopart was yelled at by Manny for a good half hour. "I'm sorry Manny it won't happen again." Mr Lopart pleaded as Manny responded with, "oh I know it won't. I'm going to make sure of it!" "What do you mean?" Mr Lopart asked as Manny ordered Squeeze and Dusty to light the lamps and not the rat. "Hey come on what's going Manny tell me!" Mr Lopart pleaded as Manny let out a massive fart as Lopart's candy store was burnt to the ground by Squeeze and Dusty. Mr Lopart sank to his knees and began sobbing heavily into his arms.
Turner and Pat then told Mr Lopart that they had killed his mother Mrs Lopart in a drive by up near Walnut Pass. "How could this happen to me!?" Mr Lopart asked as he was thrown into a wall by Manny. "I'll tell you why." Manny said before continuing with, "you annoy me constantly. Every single day you complain to me about your problems and expect me to fix them! You ruined my chance of going to Northwestern." Manny then went on, "I gave one simple order Mr Lopart. Stay out of my way just for one night. Just for one night! That's all. Not two, not sixty nine, not even two bloody thousand just one!" Manny then to face his toolbox as he said, "guys give our friend Mr Lopart the boot!" "The what?" Mr Lopart asked confused as Manny made his way down the streets laughing evilly as he did so.
The tools all ganged up on Mr Lopart and then proceeded to throw him across the land all the way towards the bottom of a large freeway. Mr Lopart then huddled into a ball and began sobbing as cars and buses could be heard riding above him. Lopart began thinking back on his life in Sheet Rock Hills, and realised that he always been nothing but a burden to Manny and Kelly. He was even a burden on his own dear cat Fluffy who he missed terribly. Even though, he didn't even acknowledge his beloved pet's death at first. Perhaps for Mr Lopart this was his time to start anew. His chance to make history and his chance to finally find a house worthy enough to sail a hero's trophy.
Mr Lopart moved to Lost Heaven where he got a well paying job in a shipping company. He was eventually promoted to head of the company. After a while, Mr Lopart managed to forget about his old life back in Sheet Rock Hills, and began to live a normal life. He even went on to buy himself a lovely cosy cottage in the countryside. Sorry folks but this appranately can't last!
One warm afternoon, Mr Lopart was shown watering his garden as a small red and white car pulled up on the pavement beside him. Two familiar faces emerged from the car, and walked up to Mr Lopart. "Mr Lopart?" One of the people asked as Mr Lopart turned around and asked, "yes can I help....." Mr Lopart's face turned his white as the two people were shown to be none other than Turner and Squeeze. "Handy Manny sends his regards." Turner said as Squeeze pulled out a large shotgun and shot Lopart in the face with it killing him instantly.
The last shot of the episode was of Mr Lopart flying dead on his garden floor in a pool of blood while Turner and Squeeze sped down the streets in their car. With that, the episode ended with the normal credits. I have to say I was quite frankly confused and a tad bit annoyed about this episode. All it did was serve as a torture episode for Mr Lopart. It was so sad that actually me made cry into Ken's cup of tea. That's when I made a big mistake.
I ended up falling off the sofa into the bowl of guacamole. I was then scooped up in a massive Dorito by Binkie as Ken cried, "wait stop bee!" "Uh it's a spider actually." I said as I was dropped onto the table by Binkie hwo had began screaming like a mad man. "It can talk!" Binkie proclaimed before fainting to the floor. Ken then proceeded to run upstairs, and when he came back he had placed his hands inside of two large brown boots. Ken then began stomping at the table, and trying his darn best to kill me. "
I then held up two of my eight legs up in process and said, "wait stop me. Please don't kill me!" "Why not?" Ken asked as I responded with, "well maybe I could sing a little song to show my appreciation for you letting me stay in your house." "You can sing?" Binkie asked as he got up from the floor. "Sure can!" I proclaimed happily as I pulled a small guitar and began to sing a little tune. Well I say little when in reality it lasted a good five and a half hours. "Let me tell you a story about a little mouse." I ended up singing my signature song to them. Ken and Binkie then agreed to let me live.
The following day. Ken and Binkie were getting ready to go on a road trip to Las Venturas now that the weather had cleared up. They were planning on taking with me but I was spidernapped by Uncle Ian who owns Jeepers Media. Jeepers Media is a record label which is a known scam and yet still so many aspiring artists and rappers apply to it. I was forced to work for Ian and make him loads of dough.
Ian was very rude not just to me but to the rest of his staff. Especially, Sea Mo would worked for Ian as a dancer. Sea Mo had grown up poor up in the hills of Bookwork and had come to America in search of a better life. All he got was a one way ticket to Bazooka City. Ever been there? I have and it was pretty darn crap not gonna lie! Sea Mo and I were forced to rent an apartment across the street from Jeepers Media. Ian would wake us up at 3'o clock in the morning in order to start our residuals. Ian never slept and was always awake even in the dark of night when people will find cheese! Hey I didn't dog the shot!
Oh dear I seem to be getting a tad bit distracted; I apologize profusely for that. Anyways, I haven't spoken to Ken or Binkie in months. Last I heard; they were both in debt to some gangsters from Riverside. I meanwhile am getting really sick of Uncle Ian. He makes me and Sea Mo drink ten large cups of extra super duper muper strong coffee from Starbucks. He makes us drink it down in one gulp so that we have enough energy for the big shows which Ian forces to perform.
One time, me and Sea Mo deliberately ruined a massive concert by having Sea Mo take a massive dump in a trombone. Upon returning to the backstage, I said to Ian; "you may as well call it a day Ian. We ruined the show. Word will spread around. Ian instead grabbed my face with his smelly hands before saying, "dude you're a spider that talks. People will come." And with that, Sea Mo and I were forced to accompany Ian to Mike Mozart's private condo over in France. What a douche.
I'm sorry to say but this where our story ends. I'm not really sure what happens next. This whole thing has been hard on all of us but most of all on Sea Mo who seems half crazed by Ian and his zany antics. However, a part of me thinks that it's just a matter of time until Uncle Ian finally gets what's coming to him. That's what happened to Mr Lopart and I have no doubt that it will happen to him as well. Farewell for now my friends for it's time for din dins.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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