Muppets Treasure Island Pirated Version
If there's one thing on this world that I hate more than anything it would have to be pirates! I cannot stand them! I've never liked them even when I was a young lad and my father would read me stories of pirates sailing along the River Severn from his tall book of yarns. My father claims that my grandfather worked for Captain Turnatable many moons, but my grandfather never appears in any of the history books regarding Turnatable so I doubt that it's true. It wasn't until years later, that I finally did a simple Google search and learned that my grandfather actually worked for a shipping company which loves to throw their packages at people's windows in order to see if they can catch them. Oh my! Where are my manners? Seriously where are they? Be a dear, and look under your chair please because I think I might have left them underneath there. Now before we go on any further, I feel as though it is only fair that I give you my name. My name is Governor Jones, and I am the undisputed big cheese of Lost Heaven. Though my jurisdiction technically only lasts in Lost Heaven, I am conspiring with some out of towners to take control of the entire United States and United Kingdom so that I can force my anti piracy rule onto everyone. I hate pirates, and I do not care who knows its! I personally believe that everyone needs to follow my view as I believe that a world without pirates will be a world worth living in. Now, I bet you've probably got a bunny under that hat, and by that I of course I mean you're probably now wondering why I hate so pirates so much. Well pull up a barrel, and I'll tell you my little son of wood.
My hatred of pirates comes from a really bad experience that I had down on the rivers in Lost Heaven. First, being the time that my bunkmate from Fordham; Fleet McBeet took me on a pleasure cruise with him on his boat all around the beautiful Lost Heaven countryside. Sadly our trip was cut very short after Fleet's boat ended up getting raided by a band of pirates who were led by someone I think we all know. It was Colonel Dodo of course! Dodo and his now ex accountant Captain Hook who demanded that Fleet McBeet and I give up our ship to them. "We'll never give in!" I barked angrily at the very top of my lungs, but Fleet McBeet didn't seem to mind as he had become busy doing himself in the neck hole. Quickly realising that I was not going to be budged easily, Captain Hook and Dodo opted to stuff me inside of a Primark bag and had me and Fleet thrown onto a truck which was being driven by the dumbest truck driver you'd ever see. Fleet and I were taken to the Golden Koi where the chef planned to throw Fleet alive into an oven, but when I suggested that was very inhumane, the chef instead offered to marinate Fleet into Grandmother Edgar's Private Select Smoking Honey Crème Sauce. I eventually got out from the bag and formally introduced myself, and the chef immediately backed down and returned Fleet to me. Leaving the restaurant, I was tempted to have a nuke dropped on it but i decided against it as the Golden Koi makes the best damn eggrolls in the entire city!
Of course, that wasn't the first time that I've had a bad experience involving pirates. Not too long after that incident with Colonel Dodo in the Lost Heaven countryside, I decided to take out a loan from the Bikini Bottom Mint. While at the Mint, I of course ended up finding myself right in the middle of a massive bank heist which was being performed by an incredibly sinister pirate named Captain Steele. Steele was everything that Colonel Dodo hoped to be, and that's the Governor Jones truth! Steele was a big brute of a man and he didn't take kindly to mischief. He once killed a member of his crew just for singing Happy Birthday to Steele on a birthday where he believed that everyone had forgotten about him. But they hadn't oh they hadn't! That bastard Steele is so evil that he hates cereal without milk although that's actually because he's quite seriously lactose intolerant. Despite being lactose intolerant, Steele will sometimes chug a glass of milk down in order for his gut to become swollen. Having a swollen gut makes Steele feel very empowered. He learned from a nature documentary on National Geographic that frogs puff their guts out in order to frighten away any potential enemies and Steele decided to try that trick out himself. Steele had his crew raid the vault while he handled the hostages including yours truly. "Please let me go! I don't care about anyone else here but please let me go!" I begged as tears began to form in my ass. Steele tapped on my forehead with his dagger as he said in a very threatening tone of voice, "start talking cookie."
Oh, Steele was also a known cannibal and he planned on baking me into cookie dough with help from his lover who just so happens to be an incredibly smelly goose with dyed blue hair. Think goose! I have never been so scared in my whole entire life. Only real men can admit to being scared, and I truly was. I mean it I really was! I thought Steele was going to kill me or in the very least make me into cookie dough when the entire Bikini Bottom SWAT Team came crashing through the windows of the bank. "Onto the bridge!" Steele yelled as he began gunning officers down with his double barrel shotgun. Steele and his men made their way out of the Bikini Bottom Mint by using the fire exit. Once outside on the streets, Steele and his boys hitched a ride on a police helicopter which was owned by a SWAT commander who was on Steele's payroll and for big money too. "You won't get away with this Steele!" I yelled at the top of my lungs as I made my way out of the bank and attempted to jump onto the helicopter. I actually managed to latch onto the ladder dangling down below from the helicopter, but I couldn't quite reach the top as Steele ended up stepping on my fingers with his nasty shoe which was covered in brown paint. I certainly hoped it was brown paint and not an electric magnetic pulse sensor 9000. That's when I would have been truly worried. I ended up falling towards the cold hard ground, but I thankfully cushioned my landing by instead turning myself mid air towards the direction of the council estate. Once in the estate, I ended up falling down someone's chimney and the rest is history.
Following these two horrid experiences, I have been trying my absolute best to get piracy banned by making a petition. Unfortunately, I cannot write as I don't believe in pens and pencils so I tried my best to instead write by using strawberry jam. Sadly, I failed to take into account the fact that most people I know can't stand strawberry jam. Oh fuck shit farty butts how could I ever have been so stupid as to write my petition in strawberry jam? Although granted, one man seemed to love my letter. He picked it up and smiled at before nodding for a good twenty minutes. He then stuck the letter up to his nose and got up from his chair without ever saying another word. He gave me a wink as he did so. I couldn't be too sure, but there seemed to be something awfully familiar about that man. He had no left hand and a striking looking moustache. Hmm interesting. That evening, I got home to my mansion over in Bongo Hills and flopped down on my bed ready to binge watch some Netflix when I heard someone a ringing my bell, and it wasn't the pizza man I tell you that much! Reaching said door, I opened it but there was nobody there. Looking down towards the ground, I found a small letter just sitting there covered in pineapple juice. I picked the letter up, and held my old candle over it in order to see what it said. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was a letter addressed to me from the Tamil Kings. They had seen my petition, and they agreed with everything I wrote on there! They too wished to seek piracy wiped out, and they asked if I would like to attend a meeting with them up at the old oak just past Granit Pass. Who are the Tamil Kings? They control the union I think. Well no one actually knows anything about the Tamil Kings, there's just one thing that I and everyone does know however, and that is you never fuck with the Tamil Kings. Don't you ever try to fuck them!
Getting myself over to Granit Pass was going to be no small feet, and knowing this I opted to hitch a ride with another classmate of mine from Fordham; Mogens or more appropriately Captain Mogens as he likes to go by now. Ole Mogens was a very cynical man . Always had been! He used to laugh at me and Fleet McBeet when we got beat up by members of the student union who claimed we owed them cups of tea and scones. We never owed them such a thing! Mogens still owned a old boat from his days of sailing in the Royal Navy as he gave me a lift to Granit Pass for free. Well actually, he tried to charge me but that was until I threatened to expose his gambling habits to the shipmasters over at Port Royale who would happily revoke Mogens' boating license. "Are you blackmailing me son?" Mogens asked as he pulled the boat to shore. "Yes I am!" I proclaimed as I got our from the boat and made my onto the dock. Mogens was already hated by the shipmasters for gambling with pigs. The pigs belonged to Uncle Boris who used to be a shipmaster until he went mad. Too much pink custard will do that to you! I made my way through the mountainous reigns behind Granit Pass which connected it to Walnut Pass. I eventually reached the aforementioned old oak or rather the old stump as it weren't no oak. Not anymore. Sorry that got dark real fast, now I sat down on the stump to take a dump as I think Mogens had slipped laxatives into my tea before we shipped out. Then I remembered Mogens laughing hysterically at me as I drunk my hot sweet tea down. Spiking my tea with laxatives! Mogens, you've changed.... actually no you've always been a crooked bastard even for guys in your line of work. Suddenly, a foul odur entered my nostrils as I fell into a deep slumber.
Awaking several hours later, I found myself on a pirate ship far from home. I couldn't move as I was stuck to the floor in this really disgusting honey like goop as the door to the captain's quarters finally opened up revealing not the Tamil Kings, not Mogens, but none other than Colonel Dodo himself accompanied by his first mate Raison Man and ex trusty accountant Captain Hook. "I still stay we should tie him up Dodo." Raison Man said as he began touching up my hair. Colonel Dodo raised my face to look at his as he asked in a very condescending tone of voice, "oh did you hurt yourself?" "As a matter of fact; yes I did let me go Dodo! I already have some choice words for you when my new anti piracy law gets approved. and you really don't want to anger me any further now do you? Do you punk?" Raison Man pulled up a barrel which Colonel Dodo then sat me on as he looked at me with the smelliest face you'd ever see. Captain Hook meanwhile left the boat briefly to go inside a shed located on the port. Returning to the ship, Colonel Dodo ordered Raison Man to set sail for Empire Bay. Meanwhile, Captain Hook busied himself by setting up a massive projector. He took a large film reel out from his hat as he then looked at me with a cheesy grin like some kind of Goofy. Suddenly, some guy selling orange juice and playing an accordion came dancing by on a rowing boat beside us. Captain Hook groaned heavily as he pulled out his double barrel revolver and shot that man right in the head killing him instantly. I then tried my best to bargain with Dodo and Hook, but they were having none of it. "Oh I can't do that!" Colonel Dodo said before continuing with, "if I let you go, you'll go blabbing straight to the Daily Otter. No I can't have that my bucko! That's why we've brought you onto my ship. So's you can finally learn the true meaning of the word, "PIRATE!" Dodo had said that last part in a little song which made me chuckle albeit a little uneasily.
Finally taking notice of the projector, I asked, "so Cornelius what's with..." I was rudely cut off as Captain Hook said, "we're about to show you a miracle. A little movie myself and Dodo made. It's a Muppets Treasure Island reel cut with edits made by yours truly." Captain Hook explained that he had no reason to come back to Dodo's side, but when he heard about my plans to ban pirates from the face of the Earth, he had the sense to realise that his B&B would come under serious fire. Though a respected accountant and stockbroker now, Captain Hook was still at his very core a pirate, and there weren't no changing that fact. So, Captain Hook gave his old pal Colonel Cornelius Dodo a ring a ding a ding and the pair conspired to get me onto Dodo's ship by claiming to be the Tamil Kings. Now, i really like The Muppets. When I was training to become a Governor, I actually did some work experience under a senator named Mr Pez. Mr Pez was a very weird man who kept repeating the word, "do," over and over again. He was obsessed with The Muppets... even though he only owned one movie and three other DVD's related to the Muppets, but regardless of that fact he claimed to be the Muppets' biggest fan. Mr Pez claimed that he saw Kermit The Frog in a dream once. Kermit had gangrene forming on his head as he looked at Mr Pez and said, "you're quite the dispenser Mr Pez." This inspired Mr Pez to name an entire valley up near Fort Wallace; Kermit Valley. Oh, and I'm quite impartial to the Muppets. I like them in small does, but in truth as a child I was scared by Gonzo The Great and his beaky nose. i used to have nightmares about that beaky nose of his. Gonzo would appear at my bedside and squirt water out from his nose at me as if it was a tap. "Here's one for the history books Jones!" Gonzo would laugh.
Unpleasant Gonzo related memories aside, I was actually quite looking forward to seeing Muppets Treasure Island as it was actually my second favourite Muppet movie. Second only to Muppet Christmas Carol of course. I then asked Colonel Dodo for a glass of scotch pre-war, but he instead responded by throwing a brick at me. Smoke came out from the projector as a SICK clip came on screen which showcased a snowman trapped inside of a freezer. He waved at the screen as he then said, "fuck you." The film then FINALLY started by of course having Kermit The Frog's face appear on screen. Kermit's face took up the whole screen. It was so close I could see Kermit's nose hair. The joyful music playing in the background was instead replaced with very low key trumpet sounds and the sound of a man taking a shit in a trash can. I do so wonder if it was perhaps Richard Bagg, but I had no time to dwell on such thoughts as the film started with some pirates loading treasure up onto an island. This was by far the best part of the film to me, but my joy was cut short when the film cut to show a really boring meeting between all of the pirates and Captain Flint. Flint was discussing on what to do with the gold and he kept touching some pirates who were dressed up as stereotypical Mexican wrestlers. Ultimately, Flint suggested that he and the other pirates go for a walk in the mountains. The other pirates agreed happily, and they walked for awhile until they ended up walking into Crocodile Gulch. Once in Crocodile Gulch, every single pirate found themselves getting eaten. They were eaten even quicker when one of the pirates insulted Crocmour Ckinner a former smoking advocate who gets very angry when people mention his past of selling tobacco. Ckinner had wanted to have Flint killed, but both he and first mate Billy Bones had disappeared into the sunset.
In present day, Jim Hawkins is shown having tea with his fam and he didn't look right. In actuality, ole Jimmy had been replaced by a mop who sounded like someone in the choir. Mrs Bluveridge walks into the table and places a large and quite frankly disgusting looking fry up in front of Jim Hawkins, Gonzo, and Rizzo. Rizzo picked at the fry up while Gonzo give it a good whiff would caused his nose to start spinning uncontrollably. "Holy buggering buggerton! That smells off." Gonzo whined as he held his beaky nose in despair. I shuttered at the sight of Gonzo, as the very sight of him was enough to bring back some rather unpleasant memories from long ago and yet not so very long ago. I tried to break free, but the sticky honey wrapped around me sadly prevented that from happening. The trio were able to avoid eating the fry up by shoving sausages up Gonzo's nose. I don't like the fella but don't you think that's a little drastic. The scene then cut to show an outside view of the Admiral Benbow Inn, Jim Hawkins expressed his desires for something better as normal. Rizzo pointed at Gonzo and said, "and Gonzo's a.... whatever." For some odd ass reason, the trio then proceeded to stare intently at the screen as if I needed to laugh at the joke before they would allow for the film to press forward. I eventually faked a snicker which allowed for the film to continue as normal. Returning upstairs, Jim Hawkins was horrified to see that his homie Billy Bones had eaten the fry up and he was now dying from a severe case of indigestion. "Oh Jimmy Jim!" Billy cried as he grabbed a hold of Gonzo's nose. He grabbed the nose with so much force that he ended up yanking the bloody thing off. Can we call it with the Gonzo abuse a bit guys? I may start a trust fund for Gonzo's In Need. As said earlier, I may hate Gonzo but this is just going a tad bit too far if we're being honest here people.
After Billy Bones then lets out a massive fart and dies, Jim Hawkins and the others found themselves held at gunpoint by a band of pirates. Thinking quickly, Gonzo produced a Molotov cocktail as he yelled, "eat this suckers!" He threw the cocktail up in the air and it ended up doing nothing. "Lucky I got an ace in the hole." Rizzo said as he made his way over to Billy Bones' bedside table. He tapped on the side of the table 3 times as a huge flood of rats all came pouring out from the various draws. Underneath the bed, even more rats appeared and all of the rats swarmed around the pirates. The pirates begged for fish and chips or maybe even some of Mrs Bluveridge's fry up, but Jim responded by throwing a brick at them. Heading outside of the Inn, the trio decided to go and pay Fozzie Bear a visit at his crib over in London. The following day, the trio arrived at Fozzie's crib which was a rundown McDonalds. Fozzie was chilling in a booth with his homie who looked an awful lot like George Washington and sounded like he was 198 years old. He also kept yapping on and on about how he lived in Waterloo during the Tomato Sauce War. Jim then asked Fozzie about getting a boat, but Fozzie told Jim that there were no boats on sail but he could try hitching a ride with Kermit The Frog. Don't test me! I am aware that the characters have different names in this movie, but I will continue to refer to them by their Muppet names or else the country's done for!
Life aboard the Hispaniola got off to a bad start and this was primarily as a result of Sam The Eagle having a thing for Gonzo. He forced Gonzo to scrub the floor of the boat, and then gave Gonzo a right good kick up the arse. Turning around to confront Sam, Gonzo looked very cross to which Sam responded with by pulling the smuggest face you'd ever see. Sam loved kicking people up the arse as this was how he got kicked out of the Union. The people in the Union treated Sam with very little respect so he got his own back by kicking each member up the arse. I expected this kind of behaviour from someone like Rizzo, but I never would have expected this from you Sam! Eventually, a Rolls Royce pulled up on the road beside the boat and who should come out of the Rolls Royce than none other than Kermit The Frog himself. Kermit walked onto the boat farting violently as he did so much to Sam's shock. He looked really disgusted as the scene cut to the part where he and Kermit perform the role call. While Kermit and Sam were doing the role call, Jim Hawkins made his way below deck where he ran into Long John Silver who was not very pleased to see him. Silver threatened to use Hawkins to clean the floor, but that's when he smiled an iconic Tim Curry grin in order to show that it was actually a red herring. "What are you doing here?" Hawkins questioned to which Silver then responded by explaining that he was hunting for stolen credit cards. He believed that Kermit was using a counterfeit boat license, and he wanted to get some proof of his claims.
Above deck, the role call scene was very weird. Very weird indeed. For starters, this really weird spider named Leonard attempted to hijack the role call by singing a little song. He dawned a pair of shades and sang, "let me tell you a story about a little mouse, she lives right here in this house." Actually, Leonard was the only one trying to impress Kermit with his singing as a trio of really annoying and quite frankly very smelly pigeons also tried to butt in with their own singing. It was really cringey and I think Kermit felt the same way as he grimaced violently as the pigeons and Leonard sung their hearts out to him. Apparently, Kermit was a massive liar. In order to get more people onto his boat, Kermit and Sam had drove around the streets of London telling people that they were going to be holding a singing competition which is how they were able to attract the interest of the likes of Leonard and the pigeons. Realising that Kermit had been playing him for a fool, Leonard attempted to get off the boat only to become horrified when he saw the boat had already left shore. Not wanting to run the risk of having a munity on his hands, Kermit promised Leonard and the pigeons that when the ship reached Treasure Island, they would be allowed to sing their hearts out. Fozzie then held up his finger which had Genco Pura Olive Oil all over it as he asked, "what was that Mr Bimble?" Oh! I really hate the Mr Bimble joke that this movie goes for! It makes Fozzie seem like a real custard maker! Thankfully, John Silver stabbed Fozzie in the back and laughed hysterically as he fell onto the floor and started singing like Pavarotti. He sang a song all about how bears sometimes get the shit in the media, but they shouldn't let that put them down. With Fozzie disposed of, Kermit finally introduced himself to Jim Hawkins, and demanded an audience with Hawkins in the captain's quarters.
Suddenly, a large prison boat crashed into the side of the ship. The prison boat was transporting prisoners from London to Treasure Island which was used to store prisoners during these times. Sadly, the stubborn warden of the boat; Warden Ermie failed to bring a map with him despite pressure from his homies to do so. Using a rope, Warden Ermie made his onto the ship as he asked, "where the seahorse are we?" "You Sir are trespassing." Overly threatening Welsh farmer 9245 said while pointing a double barrel shotgun at Ermie who responded with, "we need somewhere to keep these prisoners before they get any bright ideas." Sensing an opportunity, John Silver opted to allow Ermie to move his prisoners onto the ship. Also, Ermie was not alone as he was accompanied by SWAT Commander; James Kent. Wait a second! This would go great with some milk! Sorry about that love, but this damn Muppet film appears to breaking me. Now, I meant to say that I recognised that fucking SWAT Commander as being the same SWAT Commander who helped Captain Steele and his boys raid the Bikini Bottom Mint all those moons ago. So as you can clearly see; it's all coming together! Kent and Ermie started to butt heads on whether they should stay on the boat or not as Kent wanted to set sail for Tortuga which was hosting the annual pancake eating competition. Sadly, Kent was quite the sadistic bastard as he loved to set people on fire while they tried to eat their damn pancakes. He was just a little too respectful that damn SWAT Commander Kent James.
I then asked for Captain Hook to do a Google search on James Kent, and from there I learned that James actually a little bit of history with The Muppets. He had actually signed on to play John Cena in an unreleased Muppet project entitled, "Muppet Wrestling," which was scheduled to release in 2006. But after the abysmal ratings that Muppets Wizard Of Oz received, the project was cancelled. James had spent a great deal of time training at the gym to achieve the right physique to portray Cena in the film, but sadly it was just not meant to be. Returning to the film, Silver and Jim Hawkins had a heart to heart chat about how Hawkins once saw Rizzo eating his own brother because rats are fucking monsters, and Silver expressed his desires to buy his very own hotel in New York City; the city that never sleeps. While that was going on, the rest of Kermit's crew were busy eating in the mess hall. Kermit's head chef; Mr Chin was very evil as he had laced the spaghetti with laxatives. "Oh man this is really good!" Gonzo proclaimed as he used his nose to slurp up some of the noodles. This made me feel incredibly uneasy. Don't do this to me Gonzo! I just got done defending you earlier remember? Mr Chin was very cunning as he knew that bathroom breaks were forbidden by Kermit, but all the characters ended up shitting all over the mess hall much to Mr Chin's delight. "Forgive me!" Mr Chin laughed as he began searching through some haystacks in order to find the correct equations to an incredibly complex mathematics exam he took in 2007. He hated the fact that he turned down the offer to go to Mathemagic Land as it was the only reason he never passed that damn exam. Hmm some story. Some Chin. Rub that chin all right!
Some days passed, and all the characters were beginning to become restless and this is when the Cabin Fever song started to play. It made me sick. Very sick! During Cabin Fever, Billy Bob Tanley was shown drinking a beer as a demon ogre Muppet came on screen dressed in drag. The demon drag Muppet was singing all about a place where the passion fruit grows sweet. He sang this because he was very high on Grandmother Edgar's patterned crème. Tanley meanwhile looked at the screen and raised his sunglasses before bellowing, "what is this a PG movie?" Oh be quiet Tanley! I'm getting really sick of you! Sorry, but I know fully well Tanley is involved with pirates as I heard from my informants that he sells five kegs of beer to Colonel Dodo in exchange for huge cash rewards. With these rewards, Tanley plans to.... I don't know buy more beer I guess. That evening, John Silver decides it's finally time to take pro active about his desires to expose Kermit's counterfeiting. He paid a visit to Sam The Eagle who was smoking coke in the recently cleaned mess hall with Sir Topham Hatt and Sam The Conductor. Sam The Conductor wasn't feeling very well as he had been assigned to look after Diesel who was very much against Sam's relationship with the fireman who ironically doesn't put out fires but rather puts coal inside trains so that the flame may burn. But when is it my turn? Ahem! Sorry about that, anyways Silver basically just told Sam to fuck off. The boat pulled up at the old abandoned dockyards where a carriage was waiting to take Sam away. Sam got into the carriage only to learn to his chagrin that the carriage was filled with lady wrestlers. Sorry Sam this is chicken town. With Sam gone, John Silver realised that he was going to need a little help from his friends.
Below deck. several rogue crew members including the aforementioned Billy Bob Tanley and Demon Ogre Muppet along with several other previously unseen characters including Gareth Smellnick, Mighty Eagle, and a really scary looking scarecrow who didn't speak but he longed to get revenge against Kermit after he pulled q dastardly trick on them. You see; one day, Kermit took a walk along the fields and decided to put a pack of Starbursts into the pocket of an unsuspecting scarecrow. "See ya go mate!" Kermit proclaimed happily as he then skipped down the field farting violently as he did so. The scarecrow tried to reach for the starbursts but ended up falling down onto the ground all the while yelling, "SHIT!" How could Kermit ever so stoop so low as to give Starbursts to a scarecrow? Oh, the McNugget Buddies were also there but they looked really scared. John Silver looked over at Mighty Eagle as he asked, "hey Mighty Eagle why are the McNugget Buddies so scared?" "Because they're chicken!" Mighty Eagle laughed as he started twerking in front of the Demon Ogre Muppet who was busy trying to play Shrek 2 on Xbox. Not a bad choice, though personally I've of gone for Shark Tale. Wink. The following day at Dawn, Kermit was dismayed to learn from Silver and Gonzo that Sam had gone to the Golden Koi in order to pick up some eggrolls. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Kermit cried as he then continued with, "but with our beloved Sparrow gone, who prey tell will lead us onward in our search for Treasure Island?" "Allow me!" John Silver proclaimed while resting his foot atop an old barrel which was filled with well we can guess it was wimp rat juice. He was also pulling the smuggest face you'd ever see or hope to see.
Okay so the film then did a really weird cut to the part where Kermit, Gonzo, and Rizzo go onto Treasure Island to save Jim Hawkins only to end up getting captured themselves by a band of smelly pigs who are led by Miss Piggy and her lead enforcer Oinkie Oinkerson. "Oh hello love!" Kermit proclaimed as he began running towards Miss Piggy in slow motion. Miss Piggy glared at Kermit and gave him a swift kick to the face which sent him flying across the entire fricking island. Kermit ended up falling inside a Venus fly trap looking plant which was filled with green battery acid and it stunk so bad that we could actually smell it through the projector. Colonel Dodo had bought the projector off from Smellavision.Com. I pulled a red handkerchief out from my ear and held it up to my mouth in an attempt to stop myself from vomiting. Captain Hook was not so lucky and he ran off to the poop deck in order to vomit his guts out or maybe just vomit out the meatball sub he had for lunch. In truth. the meatball sub was the real cause of Hook's vomiting as the damn thing had maggots in it. The maggots sing you Christmas songs as you eat them. I'm getting distracted I apologize profusely for that. In any case, Miss Piggy then tied Kermit up to an old rusty looking BBQ, and she forced him to eat a human toe. Kermit quite liked the taste, but he would quite honestly have to be threatened under pain of death to give it a star on Yelp. Oh and then Sam appears out of thin air in order to remind Kermit to pay his gas bill or some shit. Seriously though, Kermit you really need to eat a sandwich.
Back on the Hispaniola, Silver's crew became very angry with him because the treasure chest they got was full of gold, but they didn't want gold! No, they wanted some of Scrooge McDuck's washing as McDuck was known to put his clothes into treasure chests and having them buried at sea in order to avoid having pay the ludicrous laundry bills. Yet, Scrooge owned the laundromats that did all the work so who pray tell is the real bad guy in this situation? Suddenly, Silver noticed something shining at the bottom of the chest and he reached inside the chest pushing past all of the piles of golden salad plates until he eventually came across Kermit's boating license. Silver took the card with him into the captain's quarters and placed it onto a weird looking machine which in turn told him that the card was in fact a forgery. Silver then smiled the most Tim Curry smile that has ever been smiled as he proclaimed, "bingo stingo!" Oh Tim Curry, even in bootleg Muppet form you're still such a delight. Now knowing that Kermit had been counterfeiting when he gave them express orders to not get involved in the trade, the crew of the Hispaniola once again found themselves working for Silver much to my chagrin. "Fuck you man!" Tanley bellowed as he then proceeded to rage quit right out of the movie. He jumped off the boat into the crystal blue ocean below, but Tanley can't swim! Well isn't that what they call Murphy's Law? No it fucking isn't!
Returning to Treasure Island, Silver and his crew took Kermit and Miss Piggy captive all the while offering Hawkins a place in his crew as a glorified errand boy of sorts. Hawkins' job would be to pick up milk and eggs from Tesco and stuff like that. Hawkins understandably turned the offer down which lead to Silver hiring The Once-Ler in his place. The Once-Ler was ordered to kill Kermit and Miss Piggy via hanging, but instead of doing that he tried to sing to the pair about how they needed to buy his Thneed. "Everybody needs a Thneed. It's revolutionary guaranteed!" The Once-Ler sang. Just as Kermit and Piggy thought they were going to die, they were shot down from their ropes by SWAT Commander Kent James. Kermit thanked James for his help only for James to then hold him at gunpoint. "I never liked you Kermit!" Kent James threatened as he then revealed that he and Miss Piggy had dated briefly back in the Summer to end all Summers back when the sky was blue and no one had to pay for air! When James learned that Miss Piggy was already in a committed relationship with Kermit and just wanted to be friends, James went ape shit and wanted to kill Kermit no matter what. Of course, James didn't get to kill Kermit as he ended up getting shot in the shoulder by Gonzo who squeezed his nose like an air horn. James was then arrested by port authorities as were the rest of Silver's crew aside from Mighty Eagle that is. Mighty Eagle managed to escape justice by impressing the port authorities with his rad dancing skills. Mighty Eagle started twerking towards Gonzo who started tugging at his shirt collar rather violently as the ole Gonzo does indeed have a thing for Mighty Eagle. So the papers were indeed true.
Our heroes and their celebration was cut short as the evil scarecrow's homies appeared on the scene. 125 scarecrows started walking down the hills surrounding the island, but the gang managed to escape just in time. Once back on board the Hispaniola, Silver was forced by newly elected Captain Hawkins to go into a self imposed exile. "Oh Kermie!" Silver proclaimed happily as he then proceeded to shoot Kermit in the chest killing him instantly, Leaving the Hispaniola, Silver rowed his boat all the way to the Big Apple. Once in NYC, Silver took part in a farce stage show called Don't Feed The Bees which is all about a bunch of cynical bee keepers who work for a drag queen who wishes for the keepers to kill bees for her. The show was one giant farce but it made Silver a killing after he performed the show a record breaking 1000 times on Broadway. Using the funds made from the show, Silver bought the Plaza Hotel and made it the base of his operations. Sadly as the years passed, Silver grew to become and more untrustworthy of everyone he sees. He suspected everyone and everything of being a major counterfeiter even when there was no evidence to support this fact. The final shot of the film was the Hispaniola sailing towards the sunset only to eventually blew up. Kent James had placed some dynamite underneath the boat in a last ditch effort to kill Kermit, but this was in a deleted scene of course. Wait a second! Why the fuck did they cut that part out!?
Using a spatula, Raison Man and Captain Hook were able to pry me out from the very sticky and quite frankly very smelly honey. "Well what did you think?" Colonel Dodo asked as he placed a pipe into mine and his mouth. "It was DISGUSTING! I'm definitely going to ban piracy now!" I bellowed at the very top of my lungs. Colonel Dodo went to go and say something when all of the sudden a massive harpoon was shot right through the projector screen. I fell to the floor in pain and tried to gain my bearings when pirates started storming onto Dodo's boats. These pirates were led by none other than John Steele himself. Steele placed me inside of a large Tesco carrier bag as he proclaimed, "nice to see you again Governor Jones!" Not wanting to lose his chances of getting me to forgo banning piracy from the face of Earth, Colonel Dodo decided to challenge Steele to a singing competition. "You're on! But we'll let the governor decide the winner." Steele said as he threw me out from the Tesco carrier bag. Raison Man meanwhile brought out a large red sitting chair for me to sit on well it certainly wasn't to shit on I'll tell you that much! I took in some of the salty sea air as I watched on in awe as Colonel Dodo, Captain Hook, and Raison Man all dressed up like members of the Beatles and made a make shift stage appear. Dodo was dressed up like John Lennon, Hook was dressed as George Harrison, Raison Man was dressed as Ringo Starr, while a stowaway tick was playing Paul McCartney. They sang a cover rendition of the songs "Here Comes The Sun," and "With A Little Help From My Friends."
The singing of Colonel Dodo and his crew had changed me, and I realised that maybe I was wrong all this time. Maybe piracy is not the real evil no the real evil is those damn bootlegs! That my friends is the only true evil in this world. After finishing their little Beatles cover album, I clapped very loudly much to the chagrin of Raison Man who loathed clapping. He wanted it banned! I then announced that I did not wish to hear Steele's song as I had made my decision, and I was not going to ban piracy after all. I was then FINALLY allowed off the boat, but before leaving Hook placed his hook upon my shoulder as he warned me not to be deceived by appearances. I told him I would not and I finally stood upon dry land once again. Looking to thank Colonel Dodo for the changes he made to me as a person. I decided to reward Dodo with his very own statue in Trafalgar Square. Having wasted copious amounts of government money on things for myself, I was bored to build the statue from scratch using only raw sewage. Upon seeing his statue for the first and only time actually, Colonel Dodo's eyes began to water with happiness though that could have also been because of the horrid smell. Eventually, a Dr Pepper can fell from the statue which attracted the attention of a police officer who has his own theme song which plays whenever he gives someone a ticket. The officer slapped a community service ticket right on Colonel Dodo's beak and did the same thing to Captain Hook and Raison Man. "Ha ha suckers!" Steele laughed who was busy eating a sandwich on a nearby bench, but that's when he made a big mistake by throwing the box the sandwich came in onto the ground instead of in the waste basket. The officer came and gave Steele a ticket meaning he would now have to do community service as well.
Well, my quest to get lost media banned isn't going very well as nobody has much respect for me after I ultimately decided to boycott my antipirate stance. People are refusing to take me seriously anymore, so what is a simple governor like me to do? Personally, I hated that Muppets Treasure Island Bootleg with a flaming bowl of passion, but in hindsight I have to least to give it this. It taught me that lost media is not something to be laughed about, and that it is lost media not piracy that is the true evil in this world. And that my friends is truly food for thought. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to have lunch with the Mayor. It's not the sort of thing I like doing, but ya know I gots to keep up appearances somehow. Wink. Ta ra for now friends, and just remember never let a stranger shit in the house unless of course he has a counterfeit credit card.
YouTube reading
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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