My friend likes Heat Man
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NSFW WARNING
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Author's note: why did i make this.
oh yes, added a NSFW tag just in case, but if it doesn't qualify, delete it for me (and this sentence) thanks
So, I have this friend.
His favorite Mega Man character is Heat Man.
Actually, that's an understatement. His favorite character in the world is Heat Man.
He talks about him all the time. All of his online accounts have something to do with him. Even his Just Dance 2021 'Dancer Card' is named Heat Man. All my other friends assume he's joking, just exaggerating his appreciation for the character, which he could be, but anytime I'm near him there's never a kidding feeling...deep in his eyes, he looks dead serious. It's not like I don't have favorite characters, Blue Shrimp Alpaca from Super Emo Alpaca is my homie, but my friend, he's...DEVOTED. He, who i'll call 15, due to Heat Man's number being DWN-015, practically, no, not even, he does worship Heat Man like a god. It's basically a religion.
One day, I went to 15's house to get a CD i left there. I knocked on the door, but no one answered. I walked in to the unlocked house anyway. Im a good friend. I looked for the CD, which by the way was a Blind Guardian album, but couldn't find it. Then i did. It was on a shelf in the hallway, near his room. I grabbed the disk and was about to leave, but noticed the bedroom door was cracked open. Curious, and being a nosey bitch, i...looked inside.
Oh boy.
The room was dim, lit only by a small lamp on the nightstand. Through the soft yellow light, i saw...Heat Man memorabilia EVERYWHERE. There were posters, photos, a figure, zippos, just...Heat Man, everywhere. Even a dakimakura and handmade plushie, which I could tell were covered in white stuff. Aka, semen. On a table was a piece of paper that read "Summoning Heat Man plan". I reeled back a bit before i heard the door open. 15 ran in the house and quickly closed the bedroom door. "Oh, that? It's nothing. I just like Heat Man a lot. You're telling me you don't have a daki of your waifu?" he told me. He's right, i do have a Waluigi dakimakura in my closet. I asked about the paper, and he said "Oh, that's a joke. It's just a joke! Heheh." I laughed, nervously, and left. Oh lordy.
I was taking a walk to McDonalds to get some chicken nuggies and a mcFlrry with M&Ms when I passed my friend's house. I could hear weird noises coming from his window and, being a nosey bitch as previously mentioned, looked through the window. There was a weird symbol on the ground, i'll liken it to a pentagram, and 15 was standing there with a book, speaking ancient tongue. He had a book in his hand and was moving the other one like if Trump was an exorcist. Oh god 15 was performing a séance. Suddenly his eyes glowed white and the pentagram started to glow. I couldn't quite make it out, due to the lights, but i think 15 started doing the Orange Justice and something came out of the pentagram. I was frozen with fear, before I started running. Not because I was scared, but because i was starving and i wanted my chicken nuggies.
This is the next day. I went to my friends house again, to ask him what the hell happened, but he wasnt home. So i broke in again. Silly me. I broke into his room, and stole a few valuables but im not a home invader i swear. I saw the pentagram on the floor still there, a few posters and knick knacks were out of place, and the window was cracked. I was just about to make my escape with my stolen stuff, when i heard noises coming from the closet. Like...muffled mumbling and shuffling. I reasonably thought, 'hey, theres either 15 or a kidnapped person in that closet, im gonna check it out.' so i did. I slowly opened the closet door, before i was greeting with HEAT MAN IN THE FLESH. Yes, 15 literally performed a séance and summoned Heat Man. I knew the summoning heat man plan wasn't a joke. But he was tied up with a gag over his mouth. Kinky. He looked terrified and was crying. I randomly yelled the Law & Order: SVU *dun dun* noise. I grabbed him and held him under my arm like a football, damn he was heavy. Fat fuck. I was about to leave when 15 suddenly flung himself through the window. He was covered in blood, duh, because he just broke through a glass window, and he looked demented as fuck. His eyes were dilated and looked like he hasn't slept in days (which to be honest, is probably true, hes probably too busy jerking off to fictional robots) and he had a crazed smile. "WHAT'S WRONG?" He said. "I JUST REALLY LIKE HEAT MAN A LOT!" I screamed like a bitch and ran with the fat fucking robot under my arm. "YOU CAN'T TAKE THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS!" he screamed. "THAT ROBOT'S MINE, ALL MINE! COME BACK HEEERRREEE~!" he said playfully.
He's a demented 6 year old, i guess.
I shoved Heat in a cabinet, next to the Man in the cabinet who was singing about how i can't win him, he can't be beat, he said he wouldn't hurt me unless i cheat. I ignored the Cabinet Man (who told me his name was Neil) and turned on the boiling hot water in the kitchen sink. The sink told me to leave him alone in a voice that sounded familiar, but i ignored the Tyler Joseph sink and filled a cup with hot water and splashed 15 in the face. He reeled back and i started throwing kitchen scissors at him. I stood on the counter as he took one of the scissors that got lodged in his chest and he cut off his nose. "IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT" he said. I screamed again and threw his Ninja Creami at him, and he passed out. I took Heat Man and Neil and we all went outside. Neil untied Heat Man and i poured gasoline around and on the house. 15 suddenly slammed his face and hands on the window, telling me "NO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I CAN'T DIE! YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME! JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING ROBOT! HAHAHHAA!". We all looked at Heat Man, and i said, "You ready for this?". He nodded and lit the gasoline with his Atomic Fire. The house burned as 15 screamed dear agony (not the song or album, theyre good tho). We all ran from the arson we just committed and we all hid in an overpass. Neil the cabinet man then revealed his true form as Neil Cicierega, and we discovered 15 was actually a clone. The real 15 was actually a nice dude who just liked the Mega Man games and Heat was his favorite. His name is Josh Burnley. He was actually related to Benjamin Burnley, the frontman of Breaking Benjamin, my favorite band.
Oh yeah, you wonder why i threw scissors instead of knives?
I'm actually the reincarnation of Cut Man. Bah-chika-ta-waaah.
*Seinfeld Theme*
Written by Kattozilla
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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