Naruto Shippuden: Crypt of the Semen Demon
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They say, there is an unreleased filler episode of Naruto Shippuden that was pulled off the air by TV Tokyo because the contents of this filler episode were too disturbing for television audiences. Originally, it was released after the Pain arc, however when it was originally publicly broadcast, it was taken off the air after it was reported that people were committing suicide upon watching this episode. However, upon further research of this episode, I discovered that this episode did play on 4kids for six months, before being taken off the air. Granted, it was a highly censored version, yet the same effects were reported among those unlucky enough to view this episode. I don't know why it took six months for them to pull it off 4kids, but I'm assuming it's because americans are stupid and lazy, but that's just another conspiracy theory. However, even though it was pulled off the air by TV Tokyo, it has been reported to still somehow supernaturally appear in the episode listing of Naruto Shippuden on Crunchyroll on certain times of the year; specifically Friday the 13th at 3:00 am, and October 31st at 12:00 am. And even then, it only has been reported to appear to a limited amount of crunchyroll viewers. As a researcher of supernatural lost episodes, I was curious to watch this episode myself. Prior to viewing this cursed episode, I asked for the blessing of a priest and bathed in holy water for five hours, to protect myself from whatever evil powers may try to influence me while watching this episode. On October 31st, 2012, however, I was able to view the contents of this cursed Naruto Episode. What you are about to read, is my account of what transpired in the twenty two minutes of screen time...
The episode began with the intro, it appeared normal, except that all the characters in the intro looked very depressed. As the intro ended, a single frame flashed across the screen. When I went back to pause on the single frame, I was shocked by what I saw. It was Jiraya! But this Jiraya was covered in blood and some other white bodily fluid, his eyes were blood red and sadistic. Around him the entire cast was impaled through the asshole and mouth, all of them dead. The background was dark red, and above Jiraya's head, the words "uH oH u bEtTeR ruN fRom tha SEMEN demoN!" were written in dripping blood. I don't believe this would have passed the review process, so the animators must have slipped this in the last frame of the intro as a secret prank, but that's just another conspiracy theory.
The episode begins, and Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke are all hanging out with Jiraya at the training grounds. This deeply confused me, because around this time in the canon, Sasuke was not apart of team 7, but I shrugged it off since this episode was filler. Naruto turned to Sakura and smiled real big.
"Wow Sakura, you got really big tits! Can you please fist me in the ass?"
Sakura then turned red, said "cha!" and punched him in the face, sending him flying into three threes which all broke upon impact.
"Uh haha Sakura, that's my face, not my ass!" Naruto said rubbing his head with a sheepish grin.
"Omg u r so annoying Naruto X3" Sasuke said in his typical monotone voice.
Jiraya walked up to Naruto and smiled "you know, I was once an ambitious young man like you, hitting on girls. You see Naruto, if you really want her to fist your ass, you have to think like a ninja!"
Naruto stopped rubbing his head and looked up at Jiraya sensei, "think like a ninja?"
"That's right Naruto boy, you can't just approach a girl and plainly ask for what you want, you need to be sneaky".
Naruto then got up and jumped up and down in a very excited fashion. " ooh ooh, I was to learn how to use this super secret sexy jitsu! And then all the ladies will want to have sex with me!"
"I...suppose I want to learn this jitsu as well..." Sasuke said, appearing all of a sudden, blushing and looking away. "You know, I am a virgin after all..."
Jiraya smiled "okay then! Both of you meet me out here at 3:00 tonight, and I will teach you this super secret forbidden jitsu!"
"All right!" Both Naruto and Sasuke exclaimed.
At this point, the music cut out and the animation stopped on this frame for five seconds. Then, smile dog faces appeared on both Sasuke and Naruto, followed by high pitch screeching before the next scene began to play. At this point, I didn't know why they put this in the episode, but I assumed it was a glitch on crunchyroll's side.
The next scene, Jiraya, Naruto and Sasuke were all sitting in the middle of the open field, around a pentagram, it was night. Around them were 13 candles. What I found most confusing of all, was that during this entire scene, distorted music was playing and the dubbed voice overs sounded gritty and distant.
"Okay boys, I am about to summon a demon. Once I summon this demon, both of you need to use your combined chakras to bind the demon within the circle." Jiraya said. They both nodded. It was nice to see the theme of teamwork being brought up this far into shippuden, making this whole episode feel a tad bit nostalgic.
Jiraya did a summoning jitsu, and in the circle the demon appeared in a puff of smoke. When I saw the demon, I fell back in my chair in surprise, spilling dr.thunder cans everywhere.
It was Jiraya! Well, it looked like Jiraya, except there was a dark aura surrounding him, and his eyes were blood red and...*gasp*..................HYPERREALISTIC! JUST LIKE MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON AT 3:33 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shit myself, I couldn't believe my eyes, my sleep paralysis demon was Jiraya! I shit myself again, feeling suicidal already, but I kept watching because mental masochism.
"yOu sHoUlD have NEver sUmmonEd me JiraYa...nOt afTER what HappenED lAst TiMe..." demon Jiraya said in a dark brooding tone. He then immediately broke the circle, making the lesson of teamwork pointless, and immediately ripped open Jiraya and Sasuke with two pulsating tentacle arms. While this shocked me to see, I know South Park likes to kill off characters too and bring them back the next episode, so I assumed the studio must have been inspired to try this. However, it came off as super angsty, so overall this scene came off as very lame. Naruto needs to remain Naruto, not try to copy other TV shows. I was utterly disappointed, but what I saw next made me shoot explosive diarrhea out my already soiled asshole.
The evil Jiraya looked directly at me, and smiled "don't you worry, I'm coming for YOU next".
I puked and banged my head against the keyboard in fear and disgust. I was so scared, I couldn't describe it so I won't try to. It was just really really disturbing.
Naruto and dark Jiraya began to battle, and Naruto did something he had never done in any other episode, like this was a very special episode: he turned into his full 9 tail form. I knew this was bad, since essentially this would kill Naruto, and only Kurama the 9 tail would remain, but this was no problem for Jiraya.exe, who impaled Kurama through the ass with one of his tentacle arms. Kurama froze in shock, shaking as the other end of the tentacle arm shot out his mouth. The camera zoomed in on Kurama's eyes, and just then a flashback played from earlier in the scene.
"Wow Sakura, you got really big tits! Can you please fist me in the ass?"
Kurama squinted "it may not be as you wished it, Naruto, but you can find peace...knowing your desire is granted" and then Kurama died.
I vomited again, at this point the smell of poop and pee and puke were becoming too strong for me to handle, but I kept watching against my will.
Jiraya.exe then looked at the camera again, and smiled like smile dog. I was slightly unsettled by this, until all of a sudden a tentacle arm began to reach for me through the screen, then I screamed at the top of my lungs and bolted toward my bedroom door. I tried to open it, but the handle wouldn't budge. I could hear evil Jiraya laughing menacingly, and when I looked around, I saw him crawling out of my desktop monitor. I freaked out and threw a lava lamp at my desktop, knocking it over, but Jiraya kept crawling out of my computer. He began to reach for me, and I felt one of his slimy tentacle arms wrap around my left ankle. I feel on my chest, and hopped back up again, screaming like a monkey on cocaine. I looked to my left, and saw my bedroom window. In an attempt to escape this horror I jumped out my window, forgetting I was on the fifth floor of an apartment complex. I died.
Now if you are wondering "but OP, how do you write this story and stuff if your dead". Well, that's where your wrong. I am actually Jiraya.exe that is writing this, and now that I see you I am going to come to your house at 3am and kill you.
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