No Need to be Rude

I came home from work one day to find a ghost in my house.  This was weird, but since I didn't often have guests over I didn't want to be rude.  "Hi there," I greeted it.  "What brings you here?"

The ghost, who by the way resembled a pretty, young woman with a knife stuck in her chest, didn't respond.  She just sort of floated there in my living room.  I could understand, though; I can be pretty shy around new people, too.  I tried to make her feel welcome.

"Well, make yourself at home.  I need to take a shower, but help yourself to a can of soup if you'd like."

I was gathering a change of clothes from my dresser when I suddenly realized how stupid I'd been.  Dropping my clothes, I ran back into the living room.

"I'm terribly sorry," I apologized.  "You don't even know where the can opener is!"  I moved to the kitchen, grabbing a can of chunky beef stew from the pantry and a can opener from the second drawer by the refrigerator.  Before opening it, I stuck my head back into the living room.  "You're not a vegan or anything, are you?"

No reply.  I took that as a 'no' and opened the can.  I took it out and set it on the coffee table by the couch.  "There you are.  If you need anything else, just let me know."  With that, I went to take my shower.

After being in the shower for about fifteen minutes, I switched off the water and pulled back the curtain to reach for my towel.  The ghost was standing in front of me.  She seemed a bit more haggard than before, and I couldn't help but notice that the knife that had been in her chest was now being held in her hand.

I immediately felt embarrassed; not that she had seen me naked (I'm actually quite proud of my physique), but because of my own unintentional rudeness.

"I'm so sorry!" I said to her.  "You probably wanted to clean all that blood off of you, and here I am using up all the hot water!"  I stepped out and wrapped the towel around my waist before dashing into my room.  I returned moments later holding my favorite not-going-anywhere-today robe and hung it on the back of the door.  "I don't have any clothes that would fit you, but you can wear this when you get out.  Just bring me your clothes and I'll throw them in the wash for you."

I turned to leave, but paused and took the knife from her hand.  "And I'll run this through the dishwasher for you, too.  No sense in going around with a dirty knife, right?"  I chuckled, she didn't.  "Anyway, you take as the time you need in here; I'm gonna hit the hay, I've got a big day at work tomorrow.  If you're planning on staying the night, the couch folds out into a bed and there's sheets already on it.  Good night!"

A few hours later, I was awoken by a draft in my room.  The window wasn't open, and it felt like it was coming from my bedside.  I reached over and flipped the light switch to discover the ghost standing over me.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but her body was really starting to decay at an alarming rate.  And it appeared that she had retrieved her cleaned knife from the washer.

"Can't sleep?" I asked, blinking the focus back into my eyes.  "Sorry, I really should have known better.  That couch is horribly lumpy, and it doesn't get used much because no one ever sleeps over.  Here," I quickly climbed out of bed and pulled the comforter back.  "Why don't you take my bed and I'll sleep on the couch?  I'm sure you've had a much rougher day than me and you could probably use a good night's rest."

Satisfied that the situation had been handled properly, I exited the room, leaving my guest in peace.

The next morning, I awoke and began my morning routine, not even caring that my back was a bit stiff from the couch.  As I was waiting for my coffee and straightening my tie, the ghost appeared in the kitchen.  At this point, she was almost more bone than flesh, and as much as I hated to even think such a thing, she was really beginning to stink.  I should offer her some of my cologne...

"Good morning!" I greeted her.  "I hope you slept well.  Sorry I can't stick around, but I need to be heading to work in a few minutes.  Is there anything you need before I leave?"

She stared at me, then spoke.  "I... need... your... heart."

This made me worry.  I had tried my best to be a good host, but I couldn't just let her take my heart!  Not now, not this way, not when there was still so much for me to do!

Unless...

I pulled out my phone and hit Speed Dial 3.  "Hello, boss?  Hey, it's Steve!  ...Uh-huh, well listen:  You know that big presentation I'm supposed to lead today?  ...Yes, well is there any chance that you could get Simmons to cover for me?  ...Yeah, he has a copy of my notes.  ...Uh-huh... yes?  Okay, great, thank you so much, boss!  Yeah, you have a great day, too!  Bye."

I pocketed my phone and smiled at the ghost.  "Great news:  My schedule's all cleared up, so I guess you can go ahead and take my heart now!"

The ghost smiled and plunged the knife into my chest.  "Thank... you... Sir."

So polite!

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