Nobody Loves Raymond Now

I was once just your average guy who made his living cleaning bathrooms at McDonald's wanting to die, until one day things changed...

You see, McDonald's is literally Satan in the form of a fast food restaurant. Everyday I go to work, I see nothing but fat fucks squeezing into the booths to eat their twelve big macs that the douchebag pizza-faced teenager with his pants halfway down his ass fucked up in the cockroach-infested kitchen. They haven't been able to use that pink slime in years since the liberal media had a nuclear meltdown about it and had thousands of hard-working Americans who were producing the pink slime put out on their asses, so now they use some strange chemical synthesized in a lab somewhere in South America, which only costs about twenty-three cents per pound. My point is that every time I walk in the building the customers are getting fatter, stupider and more degenerated in general, and of course every time they order twice as many burgers as the last time; it got so bad that they actually had to have scooters in the fucking McDonald's so the fat fucks wouldn't have to walk all the way from the entrance to the counter. I guess they got tired of having to deep fry all the corpses to sell off to the other customers. McDonald's is pure evil, it was literally shat out of Satan's asshole on a dark and stormy night when the devil had diarrhea so explosive that it penetrated the barrier into the physical world in the form of a shitty fast food restaurant to bring about the end of days. Because what they serve there isn't even technically food or even remotely edible, the fat fucks' scooters are always crowded around the bathroom door so the next guy can go in and shit his brains out. The bathrooms in that building were essentially nuclear waste dumps, it smells like a skunk went in there, had explosive diarrhea after eating too much rotten Mexican food and then died. Even the fucking air wasn't safe to breathe, I had to go in there every single day wearing a hazmat suit to try my best to sanitize the damn shithole so I could get my $4 per hour.

One day, by some odd chance, Ray Romano himself walked into the McDonald's, sat down, had a burger, some fries and a shake, and when he was done he immediately ran into the bathroom where he shat out half of his internal organs. When he was done shitting he approached me as I was cleaning the shit-splattered wall with a mop soaked in alcohol that was on fire with pieces of a geiger counter at my feet which I broke because I got tired of it screaming at me while I was trying to do my job. "What the hell is wrong with this place?" he asked, more like screamed in terror.

"They want your soul, man..." I told him. "Get out while you still can."

"Nobody should have to work in this shithole," he said as he handed me everything that was in his right pocket: about fifty thousand dollars in large bills and a USB drive. "Go get yourself a better life than working for the devil himself."

I immediately dropped my mop, walked out of the bathroom, took off the hazmat suit, shoved thirty-six McNuggets up my boss' asshole and left, never to return while screaming to the heavens, "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK PATRIXXX ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST!" I went back to my house and began to wonder why the hell he gave me that USB drive; clearly he wanted me to have it because he knowingly put it right in my hand, but why? I came to the conclusion that the only way to possibly find out was to see what was on it, so I stuck it in my trusty old Gateway running Windows XP that I've had for years and it turned out to contain a video file titled "Nobody Loves Raymond Now". I became even more curious as I began watching it, and it began as a normal episode of Everybody Loves Raymond... but... something was off. I didn't know exactly what and I still don't know what, but I swear something was definitely off about it.

Raymond was sitting on the couch watching football when the doorbell rang. He got up and opened the door to find his brother Robert standing there. He looked as if he hadn't showered in months and he had a full beard with bits of crack in it; clearly he had fallen on hard times. "You got any food I can eat, Ray?"

"Uuh..." Raymond stood in the way of Robert's view of the bag of potato chips sitting on the couch. "No, I don't."

"Come on, Ray," Robert said, "I haven't eaten in five days, you make plenty of money, you have plenty of food, why can't you give your own brother a hand?"

"Hey I'm having bad financial times too!" Raymond said.

"Like what?"

"Um..." After a minute he finally came up with a lie, "I'm twenty-five million dollars in debt to the Chinese mafia. They're gonna saw off my dick, Robert!"

"Oh come on, quit bullshitting me." I could tell that Robert was getting angry. "You've got everything, a wife, kids, a job, a house and I have to collect cans out of filthy dumpsters to make a living! It never ends for Raymond!"

"Hey calm down now-" Ray tried to speak up but Robert only interrupted him.

"No I will not fucking calm down! Everybody loves Raymond! Nobody loves Robert!"

"Shut the hell up already." Raymond slammed the door in his face and locked it, returning back to the couch to watch TV and eat potato chips.

Later that night it showed Raymond in bed with his wife and they're about to have sex when suddenly there came a deep voice from the closet saying, "Everybody loves Raymond..." They got out of bed and began screaming at the closet continuously while occasionally glancing at each other with looks of absolute terror on their faces. After several minutes of that Robert came out of the closet with an axe and chopped both of their heads off while yelling "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!" over and over again. He picked up Raymond's head and went across the street to his parents' house, where he showed them Raymond's severed head, causing Marie and Frank to scream in agony. "THE GOLDEN SON IS DEAD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, ROBERT?!"

Robert decapitated the both of them in one swing of his axe and then fell to his knees crying. He sat there crying for what felt like around two minutes until he stopped, stared at the camera and said, "Nobody loves Raymond now..." The scene then went to a hyper-realistic image of Raymond's severed head sitting on his parents' kitchen table with his eyes gone and replaced with his testicles. For the next ten minutes it was just that image and the Everybody Loves Raymond theme music playing at a low, demonic pitch. The episode then faded to black and the video ended.

I took the USB drive out of my computer and was about to go destroy it when suddenly Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond walked into the room, looking exactly as he did in the episode I had just watched. "Not so fast," he said. "Do you really want to destroy that?"

"I know how these lost episode things work. The lost episode itself is the source of your power, so if I destroy it your crazy crackhead ass will fade into oblivion!" I was about to leave the room to destroy the ungodly episode.

"If you destroy that episode, you'll be watching these lost episodes for an eternity," Robert said.

"What am I supposed to do then? Just let you kill me?"

"No, I'm going to take all of the money Raymond gave you, and I'll spare your life and tell you what you need to do to end the lost episodes."

I really didn't want to go back to working at McDonald's, but I didn't know which was worse: spending an eternity cleaning bathrooms or spending eternity being chased by lost episode demons. "Alright, fine," I said reluctantly.

Robert took the money and stuffed it into his coat pockets. "You have to find the lost episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and then offer it as a sacrifice to the lost episode gods to appease them because obviously you've done something to really piss them off or you wouldn't find so many fucking lost episodes like you do."

When Robert was about to leave the house, having already gotten the information I needed, I destroyed the USB drive, causing Robert to lose his power and disappear forever so I could take back my money. Now I have to find the lost episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force or I'll be cursed for an eternity, but at least I'll never have to see a McDonald's bathroom again.

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