NotEarthBound

I have always considered myself an EarthBound fan. I own all the games, and my favorite is EarthBound 4. But enough about me and here's more about EarthBound.

One beautiful Sunday morning, I decided to go outside, for the first time since Tuesday. Oh gosh, not Tuesday. That was the day I got a odd copy of EarthBound. That Tuesday, I also went outside, for the first time since Wednesday. Wednesday was okay. I checked my mailbox, then realized no one cares about me enough to send me letters. So I walked inside my really cool house, complete with no windows.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something gray fly at me. I blocked it with my kung-fu, and then picked up the gray object, which I now identify as SNES cartridge. Written on it was "EARTBOND" in sharpie, which I guess meant "James Bond". What was really weird, though, is that it was on the SNES instead of N64 (Golden Eye 007).

I ignored that thought, and decided I would play this game that flew at me and had black ink scribbled all over it. After I popped it in my SNES and pressed Start, the game flashed a Nintendo and Ape logo. "That's weird," I thought, "Why would a company call itself 'Nintendo'?"

I then saw words fade in along with some jazzy music. "EarthBound" it spelled, which threw me off. Whoever wrote on that game pak lied to me!

I chose a game file and named my characters their actual names. You know, Ness, Paula, Jeff and Boop. I named the dog, however, after myself, Kyle.

When the game went through its introduction of Onett, something was definitely wrong. Instead of saying 19XX, it says 201X. It freaked me out, since it was 2015. I just threw it off as a glitch, since this game is old. After the intro, I guided Ness through the house. Instead of Porky's (NOT POKEY!!!!!) obnoxious knocking, there was a crash, which repeated just like the knocking. I also thought this was a glitch, because this cartridge was sketchy.

When I reached the door, Porky was not there. In his place was the Evil Mani Mani Statue. I threw this off as a glitch, because. A text box appeared. "Your time is up fatso. Stop eating so many burgers fatso," It read. Because of that offensive text, I decided that someone hacked this game and made that comment because a fat person killed their father.

The Statue was not done spouting insults. "Look, we have to finish this. I have to meet up with this other person at 9 A.M. So meet me outside for the rap battle." Rap battle?! Now I knew this was a hack. In what EarthBound game does time change? I went out, and there the Statue was waiting for me. A black circle appeared on the screen, meaning a battle.

"Evil Mani Mani Statue prepared for rapping!"

My options were limited, either Rap or Run Away. I'm not stupid, so I picked Rap.

"Your are so feminine, Wo-Mani Wo-Mani."

This was the first I heard Ness speak, rapping no less! Mani Mani began his rap.

"Ness can't handle my beats, it's so clear he cheats!"

"Ness took 666 mortal damage from the burn!"

That frightened me, as if the Mani Mani Statue was the rap devil.

"Ness collapsed!"

I was so upset... What a short rap battle! But that's not all... When it faded back to Ness in an empty black room. The room constantly faded red, until the screen was all but tomato juice red.

Then a text box appeared, but I couldn't see 'cause I died.

Who are you talking to?

Fatso.

Comments • 0

Loading comments...