Pastafarian Origins

Many mock our religion, many scoff at our religion, but little do they know that one day, our lord, savior, and creator, the giant Flying Spaghetti Monster shall consume them all and make the non-believers pay for their insults. I am here to tell a great story about how our religion started and how the Flying Spaghetti Monster provided life to us all. Soon, we shall all convert everyone to the pastafarian religion and the world shall be one.

The origin of the religion all starts in the 1260s of silicy. All was quiet, a new child was being brought into the world, joy was upon the town. The mother of the child pushed, pushed, and pushed until finally, the child was born. It was a male weighing at 2 pounds. He was oddly thin for his weight and he smelt like wheat, but the doctor claimed he will live a healthy life, regardless of his thin body shape. The boy was named Bigoli. As the boy aged, the mother noticed something terribly wrong. Bigoli was growing spaghetti noodles out of his head instead of hair. Upon notice, the mother rushed her child to a nearby medical clinic to check what was wrong. Not having the correct equipment at the time, the doctors had no idea what was happening, but assumed this child was a gift from the gods or a possible angel from the sky. Bigoli was treated more special from that point.

Growing up, Bigoli experienced very abnormal changes in his body. His body would be firm when dry, soggy when wet, his blood smelt like tomato sauce, and his testicles were brown despite his white skin. Bigoli's hair also tended to grow at a rapid rate, causing his family to start abusing him for his noodles to make spaghetti. His family members would rip out his noodle hair and cut him for his tomato sauce for dinner. Eventually after having enough abuse, Bigoli ran away from his home and lived in a cave. Bigoli was raised by a hairy species of gorilla that was common at the time. They let him grow his hair out, never cut him for tomato sauce, and loved him for who he was, despite the fact that he did not have real hair. The gorillas raised Bigoli until adulthood.

Bigoli's as an adult was drastically different from when he was a kid. He was now a giant ball of spaghetti due to hair over growth with noodles hanging from the bottom of him, his testicles (meatballs) were now on his head being more spread out, his blood (spaghetti sauce) sometimes leaked out of him, but always regenerated after time passed. He no longer could speak clearly and instead emitted blubbing and glubbing sounds due to his spaghetti hair covering his mouth. He also now wielded the ability to fly because the gorillas that raised him had a natural way of getting around by raising their arms, letting their armpit hair fly out, and then using the hair like sings. Bigoli learned to fly with his noodles.

Upon leaving his home, many hunters had invaded the gorilla's home and begin to kill the gorillas, one by one. Bigoli out first was terrified and emotionally damaged by this, but he eventually became enraged and began to attack the hunters. Bigoli strangled the hunters, threw them, hung them with spaghetti nooses, and ate them to convert them into spaghetti themselves. After killing all of the hunters, Bigoli took one last gaze at his now dead step-family. Bigoli closed his eyes and shed a red tear of sauce, now realizing he'll never be able to thank the gorillas for all they did for him. Bigoli eventually opened his eyes with a burning fury of vengeance appearing in his eyes. Bigoli took to the skies and flew at 250 miles per hour to his original hometown and attacked it. Bigoli's rampage was unstoppable. Stabbing, shooting, and even burning could not take him down. Bigoli over powered his home town to rubble, leaving only a few survivors that had run away from the town except 3 people: His family members. Out first, his family just thought he was a monster, but once they realized that he was a spaghetti monster that is vengeful against the town, they realized that it was indeed their lost son they used to abuse. Bigoli's sister pleaded for Bigoli to stop and have mercy, but Bigoli muttered through his noodley mouth that it is too late for mercy.

Bigoli snapped his sister's neck with his almighty noodles. Bigoli grabbed his father next and looked him right in the eyes, showing his hatred for him. The father began to tell Bigoli how sorry he is about what he did to him in the past, but again, Bigoli muttered through his noodley mouth that it is too late for mercy. Bigoli wrapped many noodles around his father's entire body and crushed him until he was no more than just a bloody skeleton with skin printed onto it. The mother was finally grabbed and she decided that she shouldn't even try to speak to him and stood quiet with a depressed face, looking at the violently mangled remains of her daughter and husband. The look on her face made Bigoli realize that she is the one that is truly sorry for her wrong doings, unlike the father and sister who seemed to only want to leave for their own selfishness. Bigoli inserted his mother into the tomato sauce depths of his body and kept her there, not digesting her, not killing her, or anything. His sauce acted as a preservative liquid that let whoever was in it, live forever as long as they were in it due to the prevention of body aging.

Bigoli realized that he had nothing left other than his mother, so he flew to the tallest mountains. Where he went was unknown, but it is said he had returned to the heavens because his mission to make all wrong doers was complete. The survivors of the rampage Bigoli brought upon the town told his story to many places and countries, creating the pastafarian religion. Some say they see Bigoli in the clouds, some say they see a miniature him on their plate, but Bigoli is apparently everywhere, now living as a God who creates healthy lives.

Legend says that Bigoli is converting people to the pastafarian religion right now. Though, no official sightings have been seen, it is believed he is indeed still out here on earth as a living God. The people who laughed at the pastafarian religion won't be laughing for long once they begin to worship their mighty God; The Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster.

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