Patrick To The Stars (SpongeBob Lost Episode)
Hello! I am a simple tumbleweed call me Sage. Pretty awesome name I know! I am a sage and I'm made out of sage so it works out pretty good doesn't it? Now let me tell you something that you probably don't know; we tumbleweeds are huge SpongeBob SquarePants fans. This is because at tumbleweed school, you are forced to watch SpongeBob 24/7 as it helps you with your motor skills or something. Before SpongeBob, the programme of choice was typically an old religious TV show where the host is a proper rude bugger who laughs at the caller who wants to start a band with his mother. After getting several threatening calls from the host of said TV show, tumbleweed school was forced to change it's scheduled programming to that of SpongeBob SquarePants. Now as a self described SpongeBob fan, I have tried my darn best over the years to become a writer at Nickelodeon. To tell the truth, being a writer at Nickelodeon is my one true dream in life. Now when it comes to SpongeBob; unlike most people who stopped watching after the first three seasons and the movie; I continue to watch it to this very day! I love all SpongeBob episodes! Even some of the most infamous ones such as; "A Pal For Gary," and "Boating Buddies." Those episodes are what dreams are made of in my humble tumbleweed opinion. The problem with me however is that I am unable to handle any criticism towards bad episodes of SpongeBob. If anyone dares to insult my sweet sea sponge; I will respond by having them killed by my good friend Vinnie DeFont.
Vinnie DeFont is a well established career criminal and hitman for hire. He has been in the criminal lifestyle since 2000 when he was arrested for dealing candy cigarettes outside the court centre in Los Angeles. Vinnie is known to take jobs from any criminal organization which he pays. Most notably, Vinnie has done work with the Uptown Yardies led by none other than King Courtney. We'll talk more about him later don't you worry. Don't you worry don't you worry now. According to Vinnie, during the late 1990's, he had a very brief stint of working as an intern at Nickelodeon around the time that the very first episode of SpongeBob SquarePants was being made. I used to spend long evenings in my trailer listening to Vinnie as he rambled on and on about his time with the company. He told me some pretty whacky stories. One time, he poured hot coffee over a waitress after she insulted Vinnie for having a nose which looked like Bob The Tomato, and another time Vinnie threw a maintenance worker off from his ladder after he refused to buy paint from Vinnie's own lockup down in Montgomery Avenue. The rude little tumbleweed am I right! Now, Vinnie left Nick in 1999 after the first episode of Spongey hit the TV, and for a brief point in time he tried to work as a postman, but that backfired once he started eating the stamps. He did this because Vinnie's father is a slug named Brian Josiah. Brian Josiah loves eating stamps, and when Vinnie was a young lad living in a rundown shed in the Bronx he was often forced to eat piles upon piles of premium gas stamps. Yes gas stamps fresh from the Office of Price Administration. Just don't tell Henry Tomasino will you dear?
Vinnie was rather annoyed with his reputation as a career criminal, and he was actually planning on retiring from the lifestyle and moving to Spain where he buy a lovely little villa on the Spanish coast. He planned on taking me with him in a small dover bag built for two. I heard he took on three. Wink. Anyways, Vinnie has really been trying to clean up his acts by sweeping up the roads with a broomstick who formerly belonged to the Mexican army in 1911 or thereabouts. Vinnie and I both live in an old cramped house in the middle of a small desert town known as Armadillo. Armadillo is an incredibly dangerous desert town located just a few square yards from Bazooka City. There are no trees, and the weather is always incredibly hot because the Sun just never bothers to piss off. The Sun is incredibly scary, and it has a human face. You better not insult the Sun, as if you do it will get right up in your grill and laugh menacingly as you slowly burn to death or in the very least become red like the lobster. Now to give credit where credit is due, the Sun isn't always a massive arsehole as it always makes sure to wake you up in the morning for work and stuff. "Time to go work Sage!" The Sun would proclaim happily each and every morning as he stuck his smelly face into my bedroom window. How did Vinnie and I not burn to death? Well tumbleweeds are immune to the effects of the Sun, and as for Vinnie he was about 2% sunlight which meant that the Sun's heat had no effect on him also. Vinnie was 2% sunlight due to his father having an affair with a sun maker from Kennedy Town.
Oh and yes; I do happen to have a job despite being a simple tumbleweed. I work in an incredibly seedy bar which Snoop Dogg is known to visit very once and awhile. Snoop Dogg is very nice to me, though he did one time murder these dogs by feeding them peanut butter, and then he begged for me to buy his new album on Soundcloud. I don't even hands so how am I supposed to buy your new album Snoop? Oh Snoop you're so silly! Now since I don't have any heads due to me ya know being a tumbleweed buddy; I don't do much work. My job is mainly to serve a security guard of sorts. I often yell at people who try to steal bags of ice from the ice machine located on the ceiling of the bar. Oh what a feeling when you've got ice cubes on the ceiling! Vinnie meanwhile works in the backroom as a janitor as he is trying his best to steal money which is stuck to the bottom of the toilets. You see; whenever a famous celeb like Snoop Dog visits; they are required by the Armadillo Code of Honour Act of 1911; to place money underneath the toilets. The policy is that depending on how you enjoyed the service received while at the bar; you could either hand in your money directly to the owners or place it underneath the toilets. The weird thing is that putting the money underneath the toilets is actually the option which means you had a good time. Handing the money into the owners directly will result in them feeling very insulted, and will likely result in them sending the Dobermans after you. How incredibly interesting as a sarcastic Viking once said! Now I don't want to go slagging anyone off, but I just want to say that I can't stand my job because as a tumbleweed I am treated like scum or like a piece of cheesy Lambcaster gum you'd find stuck to the bottom of a table.
Desperate to break free from the stereotype of tumbleweeds living in the desert; I attempted to get a job over at Nick, but they refused to hire me, and they were very rude in the email they sent to me regarding my job application. The email was overwhelmingly smug, and was so bloody nasty it made me cry into my mouth for a good ten minutes. Vinnie was outraged when he read the email, and decided he would get his own back on the company by buying me a SpongeBob bootleg. "Well what good would that do?" I inquired to which Vinnie responded with, "well; you could pretend that the bootleg is an official episode of SpongeBob, and use that in order to sue those bastards over at Nickelodeon." "Not a bad idea Vinnie not a bad idea at all." I said. Vinnie then asked, "I'll be getting the DVD from King Courtney. Courtney is a proud investor in bootlegs, and has a personal stash of about 50 of the little buggers." I then told Vinnie to get a Mr. Krabs related bootleg episode, as he just so happened to my favourite character in all of SpongeBob. You could say I was rather obsessed with Mr. Krabs as I owned my own little shrine inside my outhouse. This meant that every time I went to go and take a dump as tumbleweeds tend to do, I could have myself a quick prayer at the Mr. Krabs shrine. Sadly, Vinnie didn't seem to have heard me as he ended up getting me a Patrick Star themed bootleg episode. I will also admit I was a little worried over the fact that Vinnie had stolen this bootleg from King Courtney, but Vinnie gave me his own personal assurance that Courtney had willingly gave him the bootleg. I bought the line, but in retrospect I really shouldn't have.
The bootleg according to Vinnie was a rather smelly episode of SpongeBob which was intended to serve as the opening episode to the new Patrick Star spin off show which Nickelodeon was planning to air on Netflix. According to Vinnie, the episode was a special 35 minute one which detailed the story of how Patrick got his own talk show leading to the events which take place in the spinoff series. The bootleg DVD was a blank white case with spaghetti sauce spread all over it, and it was super sticky and it was so bloody sticky that Vinnie had to pry the damn thing from his hands with a spatula. Taking the DVD to our house, Vinnie helped set the DVD up by popping the sucker into my DVD player. Sadly, Vinnie informed me that he would not be watching the DVD with me as he had to work a late shift at the bar, and that he would be back at around 7 am the following morning. Shortly after Vinnie made his departure, I heard the phone ring. Since I don't have any hands and are therefore unable to answer said phone; I decided to let it go to answerphone. The person calling me was none other than King Courtney who sounded very angry as he said, "some rude boy tell me you stole one of me bootlegs ya know and ting? I know it was ya Sage. You and ya buddy Vinnie. Vinnie I thought you were my friend and ting." King Courtney cleared his throat as he then continued with, "look mon give me back the bootleg before sundown, or else I'll deal with you personally. This is business, and a partnership equates to business ya know?" And with that, the answering machine blew up. Oh, and before we go on with the episode, I should probably mention that since I don't have hands my homie LB is writing this story for me. He could be talking to a post, but he'll always be a puppet as puppets are just the most! Ahem! I apologize for that.
In any case, I hopped onto the coffee table somehow as the bootleg started by showing some really bloody weird clips. One clip featured Mr Ping from Kung Fu Panda sticking garlic chicken spring rolls up his beak, another clip featured a SICK scene which had the Red and Yellow M&M's eating some M&M's. Eating your own kind is just so unnatural! A customer who was at the same shop as the M&M duo most have felt the same way as he ended up confiscating the two bags from Red & Yellow. The pair looked incredibly heartbroken as the man left the small corner shop with the bags in his hands. Now that was bad, but what distressed me most of all, was when I saw the final clip which featured Vinnie stealing some of our stashed millions from behind the dumpster outside the seedy bar we both worked at. Wanting to confront Vinnie for stealing my money, I attempted to run out of the house only to find that Vinnie had locked the door. The sly fox had planned well. Having nothing else better to do than hope Vinnie comes back to pick up his car keys, I was relegated to watch this bootleg episode of SpongeBob as the theme song then finally began to play.
The theme song was the standard SpongeBob intro, but something wasn't right. Actually a lot of things weren't right, and of course I being a self described SpongeBob fan was quick to notice them. First off, the pirate captain who greets the viewer at the start of the theme song ended up coughing out his intestines as he struggled to get words out. During the part, where the live action fish appears on screen it was replaced by a flubber fish, and the music in the background was Forget You by Cee Lo Green. The music was so loud it made my little tumbleweed ears bleed out eggshells as Cee Lo's face appeared on screen and he said and I quote, "yo how it's going peeps?" With that, the episode began with the title card which read, "Patrick To The Stars." The title card showcased a screenshot from the episode and it showed Patrick interviewing Cee Lo Green on his brand new talk show. Patrick having his own talk show is the premise of his new upcoming spin off show according to Vinnie's contact inside Nickelodeon. The contact may or may not be a mouse with a severe nose injury, but only time will tell however.
The episode started up at Mrs Puff's Boating School, SpongeBob and Mrs Puff were taking a small scenic drive around the school. Mrs Puff looked very surprised as somehow SpongeBob was driving the boat with no problem whatsoever. "SpongeBob if you keep this up then today may just be the day you finally get your drivers license!" Mrs Puff proclaimed happily and SpongeBob looked very excited upon hearing this information. In order to finish the test, Mrs Puff asked for SpongeBob to drive the boat down a small dirt road which led to a small finish line. SpongeBob pulled on the accelerator as he began speeding down the road. He would have won the test expect for the fact that Patrick Star was shown waiting for SpongeBob to finish on the side of the road which SpongeBob just so happened to be driving down at that exact moment. Upon seeing SpongeBob driving down the same road that he was standing on, Patrick's first instinct was to proclaim, "SpongeBob!" "Huh?" SpongeBob asked as he was forced to take his eyes off the road for a brief moment. In doing so, SpongeBob accidentally caused the boat to drive off into the completely wrong direction. "Give me the fucking wheel!" Mrs Puff yelled angrily as she tried her darn best to get the wheel off from SpongeBob, but he was far too strong for her and of course the boat ended up crashing into the lighthouse as it usually does. So, Mrs Puff was carried away in an ambulance while SpongeBob was given a F on his boating test. "Oh I almost had it!" SpongeBob cried in despair as he began making his way back home only to get intercepted by Patrick. SpongeBob was of course justifiably angry so he ended up pushing Patrick out of the way. "Hmm I wonder what's eating SpongeBob?" Patrick asked himself as the usual bubble transition occurred.
At SpongeBob's pineapple house, Patrick was shown sitting in the living room watching Harry Hill's TV Burp. "Come on SpongeBob! We need to be at Sandy's in ten minutes!" Patrick yelled at the top of his lungs as SpongeBob was shown in his kitchen making a horrid looking prune smoothie. Feeling rather thirsty, Patrick headed into the kitchen and asked SpongeBob for a drink. "How about this?" SpongeBob asked as he showed Patrick the prune smoothie. Patrick drank the smoothie down very quickly, and after drinking it he pulled an incredibly smelly face which looked bloody horrific. I guess the prune smoothie most of tasted really bad as Patrick then began shaking violently, and he nearly vomited especially after SpongeBob for some reason threw a football right at his chest. Don't you know that throwing footballs at people's chests is incredibly dangerous SpongeBob? You spongey prick! It's also worth mentioning that after consuming the rotten prune smoothie, Patrick's stomach started to make horrifying noises, but he decided to ignore it as he and SpongeBob left the house in order a dinner party up at Sandy's Treedome.
The dinner party was incredibly snotty and this was because Sandy's chimpanzee professors from the episode, "Chimps Ahoy," were in attendance to the party. Told you I knew my SpongeBob didn't I my pork? In any case, the dinner party wasn't really a party per say it was more of just Sandy showcasing a brand new diamond crusted pot that her great grandmother from Texas had given to Sandy in her will. Patrick who was busy sitting on a chair right next to the pot looked very ill. He was sweating profusely, and he also kept farting violently. Patrick's farts were incredibly dangerous as whenever he farted his ass would shoot out big red lasers which nearly killed at least two of the patrons who were in attendance to the party. Patrick's bad stomach complaints came as a result of the rotten prune smoothie and a taco he found in the parking lot of Mrs Puff's Boating School. Needing to use the restroom, Patrick excused himself from the table only to get intercepted by one of Sandy's chimp professors named Professor Percy. "I say Mr Star would you mind taking a photograph of me and my homies?" Professor Percy inquired as he shoved a camera right into Patrick's face. Professor Percy then began posing with his homies; Lord Reginald and Doctor Marmalade as Patrick struggled to take the picture. Now, Lord Reginald was a very short sighted chimpanzee and he had zero tolerance for failure, and it was of course in that sense that he kept forcing Patrick to retake the photo multiple times. Unable to hold out any longer, Patrick yelled, "I got to go!" Patrick rans towards the front door to Sandy's tree, but it was bolted shut, and with no other options left Patrick ran over to the diamond crusted pot and began taking a massive dump in front of everyone. "Oh my God I say!" Professor Percy cried as Lord Reginald fainted onto the cold green grass. Sandy meanwhile looked incredibly sad presumably because Netflix just took off her favourite show. "Nuts For Hooch," after just one series of six episodes. Poor old Sandy!
Knowing that SpongeBob pranked him with the prune smoothie, the following day, Patrick paid a visit to SpongeBob's pineapple house while Spongey was busy working at the Krusty Krab. Patrick made his way through the house until he reached SpongeBob's library. Patrick was walking for awhile until he reached a large desk which was sat at the very back of the library. On top of the desk sat a large red notepad. Patrick walked up to the notepad, and opened it up. Patrick grinned an incredibly evil grin as he read through the details of the notepad. According to Patrick's own narration, the notepad showcased SpongeBob's plans to create his very own talk show which was to be called Sponge Talks Back. The show was going to be funded by Professor Percy, and in the notepad SpongeBob revealed that he had already arranged for his first guest to be none other than Cee Lo Green himself. This helped to explain Cee Lo's appearance at the beginning of the episode as well as his appearance in the title card. In the notepad, SpongeBob then went on to say that he planned on quitting his job at the Krusty Krab, but not until he throws a series of insults towards Mr Krabs. Patrick began snickering to himself as he said evilly, "it's my time to shine." Patrick stuffed the notepad into his shorts, as Gary then came in wearing a ten gallon cowboy hat. He was carrying a double barrel shotgun somehow, and he started trying his damn best to blast Patrick's brains out. Patrick ran out of the pineapple house as Gary eventually gave up on chasing him. Gary sighed in despair. He had been given strict orders by SpongeBob to stop anyone or anything from stealing the notepad, and he had failed. How pathetic!
At the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob was shown making some Krabby Patties when he noticed the time. Realizing that it was now or never, SpongeBob decided to pay Mr. Krabs a visit in his office. Ah finally some Mr. Krabs content! That's what I wanted to see! In his office, Mr. Krabs looked very confused as to why SpongeBob was entering his office without an invitation or even a letter from the Vatican Bank. Oh yes; Mr. Krabs was a known and proud investor in the Vatican Bank didn't ya know? He was such a well known investor that Nickelodeon was one day planning on making a show about him becoming the new Pope. Anyways, SpongeBob then proceeded to throw a series of insults towards Mr. Krabs calling him a fat fuck and the likes. After SpongeBob got done with his mini roast, Mr. Krabs pulled an incredibly shocked face as he then yelled, "SpongeBob you're fired!" SpongeBob laughed a wicked laugh as he made his way out of the office. However on his way out of the restaurant, SpongeBob noticed that a large group of customers were all huddled around the TV. "Hey what's going?" SpongeBob asked as he made his way over to the TV only to see Patrick hosting his own talk show, and he was shown interviewing Cee Lo Green. Patrick was shown to be wearing a fancy tailored suit and he was wearing a Conan O'Brien wig. "So Cee Lo tell me all about the new album you're planning on making?" Patrick inquired. Upon realizing that he had been beaten to the post. SpongeBob then proceeded to sink to his knees as he cried, "there goes my chance at fame!" "Now here comes your chance to mop!" Squidward joked as he handed SpongeBob a bucket and mop. "Welcome back me boy." Mr. Krabs said as he had easily managed to forgive SpongeBob for his barrage of insults. That is one forgiving crustacean isn't it?
So with Patrick stealing SpongeBob's dreams of becoming a talk show, he went back to washing dishes and singing Christmas carols as Mr. Krabs refused to let him become a fry cook again until he earned his debris whatever what means. In the meantime, Mr. Krabs hired an ITV extra named Glen Pen to serve as SpongeBob's replacement. Glen Pen was a proper miserable looking fish and he must have smelt bad because there were flies all around time. Squidward didn't seem to mind and in fact he seemed to have a thing for ole Glen, as he was shown making out with Glen in two separate scenes. Meanwhile, SpongeBob who was desperate to get some money decided to take a job from local gangster Omar Suarez or rather the ghost of Omar. Vinnie had mentioned to me prior to viewing the episode that it had been created by a band called The Sandwich Noses. The Sandwich Noses are known believers in ghosts, and they have their own proton packs given to them by the Ghostbusters on a chilly evening in August 2003. The Sandwich Noses were pretty damn infamous among the ghost communality for stealing ghosts, and storing them inside of their proton packs. One of those unlucky ghosts that was caught just so happened to be Omar Suarez. Pure Omar he just can't catch a break can he? I'll tell you one thing though he sure can catch a cold!
Working under Suarez, SpongeBob lost any moral code as he quickly developed an addiction to homemade otter sauce as Omar often sent Spongey to do otter sauce deals with hardened criminals including members of the Bikini Bottom Triad. Angered about Omar getting him hooked on homemade otter sauce, SpongeBob decided to lash out by doing a job without Omar's approval. This job was to be SpongeBob's finest hour and final job. The job was to rob the Bikini Bottom Mint. Sadly, as SpongeBob is an idiot he ended up fucking the job up when he kept laughing at the bank teller whose name is Bill. Bill was a rather boring son of a gun, and he wasn't very happy about the fact that SpongeBob kept laughing at his rather ironic name. Rather than kill SpongeBob with his handy service revolver, Bill made an urgent distress call to the Bikini Bottom Police Department, and thus SpongeBob was given life in prison. He only ended up serving two years as he was eventually able to escape by digging underground with a series of spoons. He had spent those two years collecting spoons in order to escape the prison with. Sadly, SpongeBob's new found freedom lasted less than two seconds as he was soon ran over by Mrs. Puff who laughed, "should have looked both ways before crossing the street SquarePants!" With SpongeBob disposed of, his beloved pet snail became the occupant of his pineapple house, and Gary using his stashed millions was able to convert the house into a private club for snails. In a curious twist, Gary became the Lord of The Snails until he was eventually betrayed by his best friend and Brooklyn gangster snail Joey The Feel. Ooh what a feeling when there's a snail whose betraying!
Patrick didn't fare much better it would seem. His show was an instant success, and with the use of a montage several clips were shown of Patrick interviewing a variety of different celebrities. Patrick however was not a very vain starfish so he also made sure to interview the locals of Bikini Bottom and Birkland including a man wearing a gimp suit who talked about his struggles with becoming a bishop, and loads of Faustin Crime Family enforcers who used Patrick's show in order to vent about how horrible their boss is. The show was such a ratings hit that Patrick went on to buy his very own mansion up in Cumberland Falls. We all know where that is don't we reader? Over the course of the two years that SpongeBob was rotting in the can, Patrick managed to become perhaps the richest person in all of Bikini Bottom, but let me tell you something my bucko all that fame and success came with an unfortunate price. The price is certainly not right in this case I assure you! Patrick had become so busy with running his talk show that he no longer had time for friends and fun, so he ended up cutting himself off from all of his friends back home in Bikini Bottom. Sandy couldn't care less however as she was still rather mad at Patrick for destroying her diamond crusted pot. Oh and because of Patrick's embarrassing incident at the dinner party, Sandy was launched back to the surface by her chimpanzee bosses, and she was forced to get a job working for the dreaded Rodeo Clown who was receiving his kickbacks from Patrick. Not so long ago, Patrick would have screamed at the very sight of the Rodeo Clown, but not anymore for he has become a changed starfish. Patrick's busy schedule ended up biting him right in the arse when he learned from one of his guests that SpongeBob had died. The night after receiving the news of his former best friend's death, Patrick feeling depressed took a walk along a small boardwalk area located just outside his newly bought mansion as he said, "oh SpongeBob I shouldn't have stolen your idea! How could I have ever been so blooming stupid?"
Hoping to atone for his mistakes, Patrick gave the eulogy at SpongeBob's funeral, and announced at the after party that he was planning on giving his earnings to the Sea Sponge Trust Fund a fund which pledges to give money to sick sea sponges. You see; Mrs. Puff had successfully managed to fool everyone in Bikini Bottom including Patrick that SpongeBob had died from sea sponge disease. Real original name I know. Mrs. Puff was actually on the Trust Fund's board of directors, and what Patrick also didn't know is that the Trust Fund was a known scam which once scammed an elderly couple in Spain out of their hard earned millions. Thankfully, Patrick was saved from being scammed after he was pulled aside by his agent who said, "I got a big guest for your next show Pat." "Sounds lovely but the thing is..." Patrick was cut off as his agent said, "oh but wait till ya hear who it is Pat." "Who is..." Once again Patrick was cut off as his agent pulled out a megaphone and yelled, "IT's JOE BIDEN!" Patrick's ear drums burst out of his head, and he put them back in as he said dumbfounded, "Joe Biden? As in President Biden?" "No as in the drug dealer Joe Biden. Of course I mean President Biden!" Patrick's agent proclaimed happily as he began laughing a wicked onion cat laugh. Patrick laughed too, but I could see that deep down he wanted to kill his agent, and to be honest with you I don't blame him.
That evening, Patrick brushed his hair as he went over the script for his interview with Joe Biden. Patrick was warned by his agent that for tonight's show he needed to be very careful and to not laugh at anything that ole Biden had to say. Well the interview went by well at first, with Patrick asking Biden about his plans for the trade unionists in the Garment Centre, but then Biden decided to let his eager assistant Valair say a few words. Valair's vocal chords were horribly damaged, and Patrick lost his shit and started laughing hysterically. Valair remained impassive about the whole situation, but Joe Biden did not. Using his status as President to his advantage, Joe Biden put in the necessary arrangements for Patrick's talk show to be cancelled. So within just one evening, The Patrick Star Show was no more. Patrick went from riches to rags in a manner of minutes as he ended up losing everything he ever had. His mansion, his new pet seal, and all of those luxury items he had spent the last two years collecting were now all gone in a matter of minutes. Patrick became morally bankrupt as he decided to invest the last of his millions into the Trust Fund from earlier. As I mentioned earlier; the Trust Fund are a known scam so Patrick ended up losing all of his money, and since he didn't have any insurance Patrick was forced to live in an old rundown apartment in Bikini Bottom.
Patrick was then shown lying in bed on his first night back in Bikini Bottom, and he struggled to get to sleep when he saw the sunlight was coming through his window. "It can't be morning already!" Patrick whined as he attempted to cover his head with his pillow. The sunlight grew brighter and brighter which caused Patrick to groggily make his way out of bed and towards the window. Patrick opened the apartment window, and saw SpongeBob just chilling on top of the Sun and gestured for Patrick to come to him. "I'm coming buddy I'm coming!" Patrick proclaimed happily at the very top of his lungs as he began running towards the Sun. Somehow, Patrick was now able to walk on air, and he ran straight into the Sun causing him to burn to death in the process. Now a ghost, Patrick appeared on the Sun next to SpongeBob and Omar Suarez. "Nice from up here ya know SpongeBob?" Patrick joked as SpongeBob made some sleeping bags appear magically. "Your sleeping bag Sir." SpongeBob said in a rather arrogant tone as he handed Patrick his sleeping bag. The trio of SpongeBob, Patrick, and Omar Suarez then spent the remainder of the episode jumping around in their sleeping bags while incredibly smelly music played in the background. The music was so bloody smelly that I nearly vomited, and I would have vomited had it not been for the fact that my DVD player was then shot by an unknown assailant who had made their way into my house. Turning around, I came face to face with none other than Zimos. Zimos was King Courtney's right-hand man and chief lieutenant.
Zimos was known as the biggest pimp in town, and it was his skills as a pimp that led to him meeting King Courtney. Sadly, Zimos had smoked so fucking much in his youth that he was forced to use an autotuned voice in order to speak. Due to the auto tune, I found Zimos to be incredibly annoying and it also didn't help that each and every word that came out from his mouth just so happened to be in song form. Vinnie had done a few jobs for Zimos in the past including driving a tiger to the dentist which nearly resulted in his death as the tiger understandably wanted to eat his face off, and he also had to do a few drug running jobs for Zimos and King Courtney. Don't even think of insulting Zimos for his weird voice as this will result in King Courtney putting a hit out on you. He cared a lot for his dear Zimos Courtney did. Zimos said, "the boss wants his bootleg man." Not wanting any trouble, I informed Zimos that since he blew up my DVD player which had the disc still inside of it he had effectively destroyed the bootleg. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Zimos cried in despair as he then pulled a large purple shotgun out from his pimp hat as he said, "I'll tell Courtney that you destroyed the DVD to get back at him and Vinnie." "Vinnie what are you talking about?" I asked to which Zimos responded with, "didn't ya know? Your pal Vinnie told Courtney that you stole the bootleg yourself, and that he is planning on using some money he stole from you to buy his own villa on the Spanish coast." Furious over Vinnie's betrayal landing him in King Courtney's bad books, I then proceeded to challenge Zimos to a super karaoke dance off. While Zimos set the stereo and shit up, I made my way out of the house. I must admit; I do a feel little bad as when I looked back to see if Zimos was chasing me I saw that he was crying his eyes out on the front porch. Poor bastard!
According to Zimos, Vinnie was getting ready to board a plane at Francis International Airport. He was taking the first flight to Spain, and was getting ready to purchase a villa on the coast having attended a meeting with his realty agent Richard Beck earlier in the day. Arriving at the airport, I found that Vinnie had only just arrived at the front entrance. Vinnie was so shocked by my sudden arrival that he ended up tripping over a small trolley which was carrying a bunch of suitcases. Vinnie's trip caused all of the suitcases to go flying up into the air. I ran up to Vinnie holding a gun in my mouth, and he had no time to get up as I asked, "why did you do it Vinnie?" "Look Sage; I was in the game for too long. Any morals I had they died a long time ago. You were just a simple little tumbleweed. So I robbed you and sold you out to King Courtney, that don't change a damn thing ya hear? Even if you get rid of me; you're still gonna have to deal with King Courtney and that annoying little fecker Zimos." "That's a risk I'm willingly to take." I said as I began firing bullets into Vinnie. With Vinnie dead, I caught a cab back to my house only to find that it been burnt to the ground by King Courtney's men on the orders of Zimos who had done this in order to get back at me for ditching him before we could have our massive karaoke dance off. Realizing that I needed to kill King Courtney too before I could leave the country undetected, I decided to catch yet another cab to Courtney's warehouse which was located just North of Ridgewood Farm.
King Courtney and his lieutenants however had anticipated my arrival, and they had left the front door of the warehouse open in order to bait me in. Now I was a very stupid little tumbleweed ya see? So, I thought that nothing was up. Oh how wrong I was let me tell you! Upon entering said warehouse, the door shut tight behind me as King Courtney appeared on the scene carrying an AK47. He was accompanied by a large group of his men. "It's time mon, prepare to meet your maker!" King Courtney proclaimed to which I responded with, "listen to me King; I'm not the one who betrayed you. That was Vinnie, and I already dealt with him so maybe you can give me a pass right?" "I no care. I'm sending you to the other side mon whether you like it or not. I know that Vinnie crossed me, but since you saved me a job by killing him I'll make your death as quick and as painless as can be ya know?" Using all my strength, I managed to push over a can of kerosene onto the floor, and King Courtney accidentally shot at the leaked kerosene with his AK causing the entire warehouse to catch on fire. All of Courtney's men perished in the fire, but he managed to escape as did I. Outside in the streets, I once again with a gun in my mouth got ready to put down Courtney. "Come on Sage come on! There's no fight left in me. You're the victor mon! You already iced Vinnie surely that's enough!" Realizing that he was right, I spat the gun out and opted to let King Courtney live. He ran down the streets crying like a little girl while I was apprehended by Sam and Max.
Thinking quickly, I pretended to be a real tumbleweed which caused Max to ask, "why are we arresting a tumbleweed Sam?" "Well little buddy; that little bugger tried to kill King Courtney a fine man I might add." Sam said to which Max said, "King Courtney has no toenails." Max was right! I had completely forgotten to mention that during the altercation with Courtney and his men, I noticed that the man had no toenails but he sure did have fingernails I tell you what! Thinking that I had managed to escape due to me disguising myself as a real tumbleweed, Sam and Max got back into their car and drove back to the police station in order to play some more Shrek 2 on Xbox. With Vinnie dead and King Courtney defeated, I felt as though I had finally won, and decided to head on back to Francis International Airport where I caught the next plane to London. After exiting the airport upon arriving in London, I decided that I would spend the rest of my days traveling the world and helping out other people with their problems. I would become the best tumbleweed that the world has ever known. I would do what Vinnie failed to do which is to atone for my previous lifestyle as a criminal. I must admit that I am tad bit disheartened about having to kill my dear friend Vinnie, but whatever he tried to rob me and get me killed by the Yardies so in the end I feel as though he got what was coming to him right? And as for King Courtney; well let's just say he'll get what's coming to him one day I'm sure. Goodbye for now readers; and please remember that sages have feelings too.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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