Prepare Your Anus For Unforseen Consequences
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If you ever play the original Half-Life and you get the choice between death and employment from the G-Man, please choose death, for this is a documentary of Gordon Freeman and he told us about the canon ending.
I was an awesome scientist back in the day. I got laid a lot by Gina Cross and Colette Green and were my girlfriends back in the day, before the Resonance Cascade. Getting to kill aliens was my life long dream and I achieved it by that incident, little did I know that my worst experience would take place that time.
I had defeated that weird monster giant baby thing called Nirvanass? I entered that train thingy, then some shit effects happened and I teleported from place to place, it was scary. He then talked to me about a job offering in this train thingy either I would accept or die and I was like "...." because I could not speak since the training course for an unknown reason. After I entered he said to me these words: "Prepare *quiet inaudible sounds* for unforseen consequences", I didn't hear a small part of it, but I wasn't worried, I should have been. I could hear many people saying stuff to me after I entered that rift thingy for example Barney saying "Show me your dick and I'll buy you a beer." and Arne Magnusson yelling "Gordon Freeman you motherfucker! You know how long I waited for this microwave casserole!? I'll kill you where you stand!" Then I was completely strapped on, on a table, with G-Man next to me. He said things to some vortigaunts near me and had a creepy smile that pierced through my very soul. He moved to my ear and whispered "Prepare your anus for unforseen consequences" later he seductively licked my ear when h-h-he started doing... It felt like a crowbar entering a barnacle. things to my body, two headcrabs then appeared. One covered my face until the other moved to my pants and broke my penis into pieces, while the G-Man was doing his....*cries* stuff to me. From all the shock, I passed out and woke up in a train (normal train this time) He then said those words that would forever follow me to the grave with the ass burning: "Rise and shine, Mr. Freeman. Rise and shine. Not that I wish to imply you have been sleeping on the sex. No one is more deserving of a dick. And all the sex in the world would have gone to waste until... well, let's just say I need to come again. The right man in the wrong stance can make all the difference in the sex. So, wake up, Mr. Freeman. Wake up and smell the asses." I saw him again later on with lemons burning around him and pills in his briefcase I wanted to forget, I wanted to be pure, away from his hot, sweaty, alien body. He started mentioning the things he would do to me when I ended the combine, Alyx tried to confort me with things and shit so please Dragonborn! HELP ME! HIS...S-S-STIFF PA-R-RT HAS PENETRATED ME FOR TOO LONG! *cries* THE FIRE IN MY ASS HAS NOT STOPPED SINCE! Help me Dragonborn, at least get me some lube for next time......
Oh and I got laid with Alyx last night, who knew she would have such skill!? I saw G-Man watching from afar he had his fuck face and with telepathy he said it again..."Prepare your anus for unforseen consequences, you wouldn't want man-kind to die? Would you..." I have to be his sexual slave, at the cost of man-kind.
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