Raoul's Pride (Sitting Ducks Lost Episode)
This is a fictional comedy story meant to entertain people. Don't take it seriously.
Hello. Um I'm a little nervous. Why am I feeling a little nervous? Well that's because dear friends, I have never made one of these before. I never for once thought in all my days on the Alaskan police force that I would ever have to make something like this. My name is Gordy and I work as a high-ranking officer for the police department of Alaska. It's back breaking work or rather it's been back breaking work lately as a result of our beloved Governor Shaw Fetching forcing us to work extra hard. This was because of a series of bear sightings becoming something of the common in recent months. In the last month alone, we've had about 15 bear sightings. Now that had to have taken some doing. The bears are actually very aggressive, but in the normal ways that bears are. They will literally hold people at gunpoint until they give them some of their delicious pringles. The bears are also known to break into people's houses and ask for a protein shake and a Empire Bay style deli sandwich before crashing on the sofa. I have become very fearful in recent months not so much because of the brutality of the bears and their crimes, but more as a result of the fact that I just so happen to own a bear as a pet. My beloved bear is named Boog, and I have owned him for many a year. He was originally owned by a nice girl named Beth who used to own the local theatre over on Park Street. At the theatre, Boog had his own show entitled Dancing With The Boogster which was a smash hit with audiences including myself. Though in secret, I highly disapproved of Beth using Boog in that way and not giving him any of the money made from his various theatre shows. Sadly, the show ended up getting cancelled after Boog brutally gutted a deer in front of a live audience. I laughed at that as did Governor Shaw Fetching who was sitting next to me in one of the balcony's. It was quite a watch though I can't speak for everyone now can I?
Following the colossal failure of Dancing With The Boogster, Beth naturally opted to send Boog into the wild as per my request, but she eventually asked me to check on Boog to see if he was doing okay. He had destroyed the entire forest by throwing it into a dictatorship and making all the animals rally against the very humans who seeked to kill them. Governor Shaw Fetching had feared this would happen, and handed me a double barrel shotgun as he gave me one very simple order. Kill Boog. I decided not to follow his orders, and decided to secretly take Boog home with me where I raised him as my own, and the rest is history. As for Beth,,, well Boog and I haven't seen her since 2006 but last I heard she had become involved with the Molinari's and their pie shop which is ran by a rather aggressive fox. The pie shop may be a front to sell half cooked stone turtles, but how will we know? At first, I thought Shaw had no idea that I had adopted Boog, but he did oh but he did. Shaw didn't care much for me anyway, and n fact ever since becoming governor he had made it his sole goal to torment me at every opportunity he gets. I can't really blame Shaw to be honest with you, I mean me and the boys used to make fun of Shaw whenever he would park his old blue pickup truck outside the police station in town. Shaw would rave to us about how one day I would be carried away into the sunset by crows like some kind of Humpty Dumpty, but I didn't believe him as I joked in a very cynical tone very much unlike how I usually am I assure you. "Oh Shaw you've been in the woods for far too long!" I mean he really had. Prior to being elected governor, Shaw never left the comfort of the forest. In fact, he only ever left the forest on Thursday evenings so that he could run over deers who run along the highways. Highwayman? More like Highway Deer am I right? With all due seriousness, what is with all the deer abuse in this story so far? I sure do hope this doesn't become a running trend? I'm laying down the law if you know what I mean wink.
Sorry about that incredibly long tangent, in actual fact, I am planning on selling the story of Boog to acclaimed director Mr Director in the hopes that he'll make a biopic about him. Of course, Boog won't play himself in the picture oh no we can't have that! He'll instead be played by an actor of his choosing. Most likely John Goodman or Noel Sank. Now as I stated earlier, there was a big bear problem going on down here in sweet home Alaska. Everybody was blaming me and Boog for the crisis, as they believed that Boog had in secret convinced his fellow bears to wreck havoc upon the streets. I mean that part kind of makes sense. I mean Boog was by no means a saint. He once robbed the local supermarket and got very high on toast as he and his homies pretended they were Buzz Lightyear by sticking a fucking gumball machine on their heads. Not really sure why they did but whatever I'll buy it at a high price I may add! Mind you; this was back when Boog was still owned by Beth so perhaps she is the real villain in this particular scenario. This was one of the many reasons why I had so whole heartily disapproved of Beth owning Boog. Once Boog became my pet however, there were no more incidents like that ever again... until now so it would seem. I didn't blame the bears for the damage however, as I suspected the damage was actually being done to frame the bears so that Governor Fetching will finally go ahead and finally approve of that anti bear law he had been raving about ever since 2006. So far, I've managed to convince him to not pass the new law, but somehow I think he's beginning to seriously consider making it a reality. I believed that the real culprits behind the trouble in town was the crows. You see; aside from having a rather large bear population, Alaska was also infamous in recent times for having an overly large crow population. What caused the rise in the crow population? Well it's very simple!
Back in 2009, a scientist named Professor Lionmane had brought some crows from Shrewsbury with him in an attempt to breed them with some Alaskan Geese in an attempt to create the ultimate bird. Our geese are rather infamous for being much bigger than your average common everyday goose, so naturally, Lionmane felt that combining geese and crows would allow for us to get the very first flying giant geese. It all went downhill because Lionmane's very stupid assistant Slime Onion who is blind I think accidentally released the crows from their boxes far too early. The crows ended up causing a swarm across Alaska, oh Lionmane tried to catch them but he couldn't possibly catch them all now could he? That would be asking far too much from ole Lionmane that would be! He stuffed all the crows he could into a fishing net, only to end up getting picked up by the remaining crows who flew Lionmane into the sunset with them. Slime Onion never did learn his lesson as he still continues to release birds from their boxes way too early even to this very day. The crows were initially hated, but soon people came to love them as did I well actually no I never liked the crows. They had it out for me I know they did! Whenever I find myself getting stuck in traffic, I always find my car getting crapped on by a crow. They never do to anyone else's car, but they always seem to want to do it to mine. Also, one time, a bunch of crows followed me into an elevator where... well you can guess what happened can't you? Following that rather DISGUSTING elevator mishap, I developed something of a prejudice towards crows. They hated Boog too since he was known to attend crow parties every now and then, Crow parties are parties in which important members of society join together and dine on crow burgers. Steamed Crows shall we say? Oh yes, Boog is pretty famous in Alaska or at least he used to be as he is actually a pretty talented actor who works with the BBC.
Sadly, the BBC have been less than keen on hiring Boog in recent years because he had a rather infamous reputation for being a hard bargainer. Oh! He also once ate the head of a cameraman. Hmm perhaps that didn't help either. I had an audience with Shaw at his office, where I explained my belief that the crows were responsible for all the damage being caused in town. "Oh but you're lacking a little something called evidence." Shaw joked. Desperate to prove that my belief was right to Shaw and save Boog and his fellow bears from being exiled, I began spying on the crows until I eventually saw one of them dropping a small DVD case into a small cot being driven by a man with no eyes. Baffled, I made my way over to the cot and grabbed the DVD out from it with somehow nobody noticing me doing it. Looking the DVD over, I saw that it was not actually blank as it had words written on it in Genco Pura Olive Oil. The words read, "Sitting Ducks The Rare One." Sitting Ducks more like Sitting Fucks am I right? No but with all due respect, Sitting Ducks now that's a name I've not heard in a very long time. A very long time, now allow me to elaborate on that point by explaining that I am actually a massive fan of Sitting Ducks. If you haven't seen the show before, I'll let you in on the loop. It's about a duck named Bill and an alligator named Aldo who are best friends despite it being Aldo's natural instinct to eat ducks. The pair spend every episode going through day to day problems all the while living in two towns full of judgemental ducks and sadistic alligators. Oh my wickers! It was as I read the name Sitting Ducks that I remembered something. What did I remember exactly? Well my friends, I remembered Raoul. Now you're probably thinking Gordy who the toaster is Raoul? Well my friends Raoul oh man Raoul well let's get down to business shal we?
Raoul is a really horrid main supporting character in Sitting Ducks. He is a very mean and annoying crow who acts as Bill's arch nemesis. Any episode featuring Raoul is known to cause a rather violent reaction in me as I cannot stand the bastard. Some people including fellow Sitting Ducks fans tend to love Raoul and his annoying antics, but me personally? Sorry folks, I simply just cannot stand him! I find him very annoying and quite frankly very DISGUSTING as he loves to take big smelly dumps on motorbikes that the ducks use to get from point A to point B. In one particular episode, Raoul took a massive dump on Bill's head who was just as disgusted as I was. Despite being Bill's top foe, Bill actually had a small level of fondness for Raoul and secretly loved their arguments for some reason. Bill are you really that dense? You should throw that big beaked salmon head into the soup pot and laugh as he slowly boils! Going back to what I said earlier, a lot of Sitting Ducks fan really do love Raoul and they have actually set up a club dedicated to the character in the town square. I used to go there from time to time as they do serve a mean glass of wimp rat juice. No joke, it talks and insults you for not gaining an apprenticeship at Northwestern Medical School. At Club Raoul, they have this thing where they sit around in a circle and share stories about how much they love Raoul. The founder of the club a very smelly but stern when he needs to be man named Mr Rassendyll talked about how one day he wishes to marry Raoul in a private ceremony only to be attended by some of the country's most elite country singers.
According to Mr Rassendyll, he was going through a very rough patch after his wife who is so fucking annoying and stupid it hurts got hit by an ice cream van. Mr Rassendyll contemplated on moving to Empire Bay and becoming a professional street sweeper, but he claims that Raoul appeared to him in a dream. Raoul wrapped his feather around Mr Rassendyll's back as he said, "you're Raoul's boy." Mr Rassendyll claims that Raoul's words had inspired him so much that he founded the club in his honour. He claimed that Raoul approved of him opening up the club as he claimed to have seen Raoul in the clouds one day and he gave Mr Rassendyll the middle finger because he's an arsehole. When I mentioned the fact that I did not care for Raoul, I was rudely thrown out on the streets and Rassendyll pointed an accusing finger at me as he threatened, "you are a sitting duck my friend. A sitting duck." Ha! Anyways, the reason why I detested Raoul and crows was because they seem to have a thing for taking dump on my car all the time. No matter where I park, they'll always be right there waiting for me. Wink. Now, on the back of the DVD disc there was another message which read, "If It's Crows You Seek To Defeat Watch This Episode To Find The Keys." It was written in ass sauce. It smelled bloody horrible I do say! I stuck that disc into my ear as I took it to my house over in Quality Street. Boog was in my office watching workout videos in which a handsome football player named Olaf tells you to do something, and when he gives you an order you must respond with, "suck a chicken roll!" I pushed Boog aside and slammed that disc into my DVD player which is covered in cigarette burns and Genco Pura Olive Oil. I had gotten the thing on a street corner from a man who looks remarkably like Professor Dumbledore. I wonder what the story was behind that.
Boog was very angry with me and pinned me down onto the floor as he got ready to eat my face off. I screamed only for Boog's face to become twisted as he bit his lip and cried, "oh the incredible Mr E I be coming!" Holding his backside, Boog ran into the toilet farting violently as he did so. I had began recently slipping laxatives into Boog's Woohoo bars, a tactic taught to me by Grandmother Squaliam. The less said about her the better. With Boog down in the dumps get it? I was left alone with my thoughts, and decided to make good on that by watching the DVD. I made myself a smelly bowl of even smellier popcorn drenched in so much fucking butter that you couldn't even see the little poppers! I love butter it's so bad. Wait what!? Sorry, I'm getting distracted now the DVD started with a brief clip which had Captain Birdseye having his crew load boxes of disgusting pizza onto his boat. The pizzas are very bad as they have sweetcorn which will stick to your teeth, and they are also incredibly dangerous as they fall from the sky like birds from above. Captain Birdseye then ordered a deckhand to scrub the floor, and that deckhand simply responded with, "suck my dick!" Such disrespect! Poor ole Birdseye he's nothing more than a lapdog to his crew isn't he? Wiping a tear from my eye after watching a scene from The Ballad Of Birdseye, the opening of Sitting Ducks began and it was completely normal which made my ears bleed out kitchen paper. After the theme song ended, the main title card appeared and it read, "Raoul's Pride." The picture showed Bill and Raoul on a date... okay... and Aldo was shown serving as their waiter. Bill was dressed in a horrid crow costume and had a blonde wig thrown over his head. Meanwhile, Raoul had love hearts dotted in his eyes and a combine harvester could be heard in the background in place of the usual title card music.
After the title card disappeared, Bill was shown in his apartment trying to find the correct bowtie for his date with Bev. Aldo was standing in the doorway and said, "you know I'm really proud of you Bill. I always knew Bev liked you." "I know Aldo! I can't believe she loved my little song!" Bill proclaimed happily. In a brief flashback, it was shown that Bill had finally worked up the courage to confess his love for Bev. Bill had written a song in order to properly convey his feelings without having to use too many bothersome words. Unfortunately, Bill was rather shy and Aldo couldn't sing for love nor money so the pair hired a cow turned country singer named Bob Pullmyutter who didn't sing the correct sing, he sang a song called, "I Been Thinking About Your Ha Cha Bab." Years ago, Pullmyutter had performed that song in an old country barn to a bunch of female cows and a chicken who all wanted him if you know what I mean. They wanted to play Scrabble with him as he was a known Scrabble master... or so the papers claimed. Even though he clearly cheated in that big game back in 2006, but that's a story for another day. Stay... oh no not this time! You can't get me boyio! Anyways, Bev was incredibly moved by the song and Bill asked her out for coffee at a recently opened Starducks. Bill didn't care much for Starducks as they were known to not pay their taxes. I'm not really sure why this would affect Bill not liking them, but hey don't judge Bill for he is my spirit animal! Settling on his iconic red bowtie, Bill caught a cab to Starducks, but he had to share it with this incredibly miserable butcher who was an actual human. Somehow, the butcher had managed to stuff a massive prize turkey into the cab which made Bill feel incredibly uneasy. Don't worry Bill, that butcher has a wife who washes his apron when it gets dirty.
Arriving at Starducks, Bill found Bev sitting at a booth on the very far side of the room. She was wearing a curtain instead of a dress which made Bill blush a few. Bill and Bev got to chatting as Bev had already ordered their drinks in anticipation for Bill's arrival. Just as Bill was about to take a sip from his coffee, he heard the door swing open as none other than Raoul himself appeared on the scene. Starducks had a strict only duck policy, but Raoul did not care as the owner was an old friend of his and he could never say, "no," to Raoul. I know I could! Oh I would! Raoul was about to order himself a prune muffin when he noticed that Bill and Bev were out on a date. Raoul grinned evilly and rubbed his feathers together as he said in a careless whisper, "this could be fun!" "Oh good grief its Raoul!" Bill cried as he attempted to hide his face with a magazine. Bev placed her feather atop of Bill's as she said, "just ignore him Bill and think goose." Bev had been reading a lot of self help books on thinking goose which had been written by Uncle Waldo. Before becoming a stupid drunk of a goose, Uncle Waldo was actually a very accomplished writer it would seem and honestly that just makes me sad that does. Unable to drink the coffee with the cup lid on, Bill resolved the issue b removing the lid but in doing so, he failed to notice that Raoul had hid himself behind Bill's chair. Using a fake British accent, Raoul cried, "oh look over here boy!" "What was that?" Bill asked dumbfounded as he and Bev tried to look for wherever the mysterious voice came from. With Bill distracted, Raoul snuck onto the table... and how shall I put this lightly? Hmm... I know! He released the torrent if you catch my drift into Bill's coffee. Raoul went back to hiding as Bill turned back around and pulled an incredibly confused face. Picking the coffee up, Bill took a huge sip. After taking that sip, Bill's pupils grew to be as wide as a barge as he cried, "OH MY DUCKING DUCK!"
Bill's entire body turned green kind of like it did in that episode, "Duck Naked!" Have you seen that one? I'm sorry what was that? You never watched Sitting Ducks before well then look sharp and pay attention because maybe you might learn a thing or two. Bill held his beak in disgust as he ran towards the restroom only to find to his shock and horror a massive out of order sign had been placed onto it. He tried to use the female restroom, but the incredibly miserable cleaner said, "nac oes!" Bill's guts began to rumble violently as he cried, "oh dear!" Bev placed her feather on Bill's shoulder as she asked, "Bill?" We were thankfully not shown Bill's vomiting episode even though the makers of this episode clearly felt comfortable enough to show us Raoul emptying himself on screen. That bastard! Oh I really do hate Raoul! The episode then transitioned to show all the ducks evacuating Starducks a lot of them being covered in Bill's vomit. Bill and Bev exited the area with Bill still throwing up into a small carrier bag. Raoul then appeared and flew onto a lamppost and pointed at Bill as he laughed, "oh senior Bill you really are as stupid as you look! Messing with you ducks never gets old it really doesn't!" "Raoul! I should have known!" Bill yelled as he then began to have a very angry rant against Raoul. Raoul grimaced as he was quite scared of Bill. What made Bill's rant so scary to Raoul was perhaps the fact that as a very passive duck, Bill very rarely lost his temper. So seeing Bill fly off the handle, made Raoul feel incredibly uneasy. Unfortunately for Bill but fortunately for Raoul, Bill's rant ended up being cut short as he vomited all over the pavement. "Later senior Bill! If it is any consolation, that was only a small offering!" Raoul joked as he flew towards the sunset. He only just narrowly avoiced getting ran over by a plane. Oh what I'd give. What I'd dare just to see Raoul get squashed like a bug. Bill walked Bev back to her diner, but before she headed inside for the night, Bev said, "don't let Raoul get to you Bill he'll get what's coming to him one day." She gave Bill a kiss on the beak, as Bill's eyes suddenly became sinister as he said, "maybe sooner than later Bev."
The following day, Bill decided to hold an emergency meeting at his apartment with Aldo. After explaining the whole Starducks ordeal to Aldo, he too became very angry as he suggested getting back at Raoul. "That's exactly why I called you here Aldo, I want to get Raoul back, but what can I do?" "Hmm." Aldo began as he rubbed his chin for three minutes straight. Not even joking, Aldo's chin rubbing caused Bill to pull an incredibly weird face. After Aldo's little hmm, he suggested various ways in which Bill could get his ultimate revenge on Raoul including tying a sheep tank around Raoul's legs causing him to crash into a ditch where he would no doubt be chastised by a serious no nonsense policeman who would later be characterised as an idiot boy. in spite of what Raoul did to him yesterday, Bill did not want to actually hurt the poor crow, he just wanted to have a little fun and mess around with him a bit. Bill further cringed when Aldo suggested hiring Will Willboard to annoy Raoul so much that he is forced to move to the town next door. Will Willboard was so fucking annoying, and Bill and Aldo knew that first hand having accompanied Willboard on a fool's errand to find the top of his shiny dome. Willboard kept screaming and doing stupid loud shit which grated on the pair's ears very quickly. Bill held his ears in contempt as he sang, "Will Willboard's too loud!" "So what do you suggest is reasonable in that case Bill?" Aldo inquired. Suddenly, a light bulb appeared above Bill's head as he cried, "I've got it!" Perplexed, Aldo touched the light bulb causing it to shatter and for thick glass shards to get all over Bill's beak. Poor Bill. Fixing his beak after a visit to Cecil, Bill returned to his apartment and explained his master plan to Aldo who was busy trying to watch a bit of culture over on BBC 4. The master plan was incredibly devious and it made Aldo grin and itch his feet wildly as he heard every last detail of it. The plan was as followed; Bill was to disguise himself as a female crow who would entice Raoul into a relationship. Once inside a committed relationship with Raoul, Bill would spend his time getting Raoul to open up about all the embarrassing secrets that the bastard crow would no doubt have up his feathers. "That's crazy Bill! Raoul would never fool for that!" Aldo cried at the top of his lungs only for Bill to ask, "are you sure about that sexy?"
Aldo gulped heavily as he turned around to see Bill dressed in a very bad looking crow costume which had been made by Cecil in a deleted scene. It was a very funny scene too as it involved Cecil comparing the making of the costume to a scene in his all time favourite film Gun Out Of Bull. That movie has a scene where the main character Besil B justifies his killing of an undercover rug merchant by saying, "I was out of bullets." This particular line makes anyone who sees it laugh like a seal even though the line doesn't make any sense as Besil had used a gun to kill the aforementioned rug merchant clearly demonstrating that he in fact have bullets in that particular handgun. "What do you think?" Bill asked as Aldo rubbed his chin again before singing, "but there's something missing yes aha! Where is the groom?" "Come again?" Bill asked bewildered as Aldo stuck a large pile of hay onto Bill's head in order to give him the illusion of having blonde hair. Raoul had a thing for blondes and this is what ruined his relationship with his former dancing partner and ex fiancée; Evet. Raoul could not say no to a dame if you catch my car wheel. Seriously, catch it please it's beginning to annoy me having to hold it like this. I didn't want to say anything about it until now. In order to further perfect the disguise, Bill decided on the name Rolanda, and gave himself a fake Scottish accent so that Raoul would remain none the wiser. Bill claimed to have based on Ewan McAlister deputy secretary for the Scottish Parliament. What is that supposed to imply? Is it meant to imply that Ducktown and Swampwood are located near Scotland? Well blow me down! With the disguise finally perfected, Bill felt that it was finally time to test the waters on Raoul shall we say. According to a local ice cream sales duck, Raoul was busy having a wild party with his fellow crows up at the Ducktown Churchyards.
Raoul was indeed having a right ole time messing around with his crow homies causing havoc upon the union ducks who were protesting about how the church should not serve bread anymore as it actually kills ducks. That is not even a joke you may want to look it up, but I warn you it may make you shed a few tears and drink a few beers. Raoul was basically just being his usual annoying self by mocking the protestors for their inability to fly, and he got ready to rain some ice cream cones upon the little duckies when all of the sudden he eyed upon one beautiful sight. Bill now disguised as Rolanda appeared on the scene, though immediately entranced by her beauty, Raoul brought up the necessary elephant in the churchyards by asking, "hey what are you not flying darling?" "Oh please..." Bill remarked in his fake Scottish accent which sounded really bad, I'm not sure if his voice actor knew how to do a Scottish accent because he kept changing from slightly Scottish sounding to overly Welsh sounding in seconds. Ahem! Bill then said, "flying is so 1933." Oh no! Raoul knew what Bill meant by that as 1933 marked the events of the Olive Oil War. Many young crows were drafted into the Olive Oil War including Raoul's great grandfather Nutsy. Nutsy's job was to deliver bread to hostage crows who were being held in caves by Salvatore Maranzano. Unfortunately, Nutsy was so fucking stupid and he would just spend his time waving his feathers about as he sang, "I have to free the hostages!" For some stupid ass reason, Nutsy thought that hostages and sausages were the same thing and so instead of helping the hostages by giving them their hot sweet dough, Nutsy instead busied himself by buying some pork apple and sage sausages from Tesco, but then he received a visit in the night. A visit from Old Man Patton himself. Still not sure who that is and neither is my friend Bob. Despite being a vulture not a crow, Nutsy was indeed Raoul's great grandfather for he had an affair with a female crow named Bo. So as you can quite clearly see; arrogance and lying is just part of the Raoul Family promise. Foreshadowing!
Hovering down to walk among the commoners, Raoul pointed at Bill as he said, "you think I cannot see through you. I know what you're up to!" Oh and by the by, even though Bill is posing as Rolanda, I am still going to refer Bill as Bill because well... the way you chew. Ew chew the stew even though it tastes like ass! Bill began sweating literal bullets yes he actually being sweating handgun bullets as he began to seriously believe that Raoul was wise to his ruse, but much to his delight Raoul instead revealed that he instead took Bill's insults as a request to fly with him. Needing an excuse for why Rolanda would not be able to fly herself, Bill explained that he had damaged his wings in a ski lift accident up in Spain, and Raoul offered to help him fly all around Ducktown in order to see the stars and he claimed that when the Sun hits Ducktown just right, the buildings sing. It was a wonderful evening, for Bill had never seen Ducktown from that far above before, and seeing the sights made him realise just how much he truly wished that he too would be able to fly one day. In many ways, Bill envied Raoul for his ability to fly and Bill's lack thereof. Raoul could fly high and touch the sky and never have to ask what is, while Bill simply could not. Raoul knew that Bill was very anxious to learn how to fly, and would mock Bill day in and out about the poor duck's inability to do so. It was of course in a way one of the many stepping stones that had allowed for Bill and Raoul's rivalry to carry on for as long as it had done. Returning to the ground, Bill found himself being surprisingly sad to see the evening come to an end. Raoul was a surprising gentlemen of a crow as he paid for Bill's cab, and asked him out for a second date. Tugging on his blonde hair wig, Bill said, "sure why not! But where?" For some reason, Bill asked that little bit at the end in the dumbest voice I've ever heard. "I know a place." Raoul said like some kind of Pigeon Lady as he began to fly towards the evening sky.
Returning home that evening much later than planned, Bill was shocked to see Aldo waiting for him at the kitchen table with a game of Scrabble thrown onto it. Well I say waiting; but truth be told, Aldo was actually fast asleep and snoring upon Bill's return to the apartment. Rubbing his eyes, Aldo asked, "so how did it go? What secrets did you uncover? What stories did you see?" He then sang, "if you need to know the measure of a crow, you simply count his friends." "Um... the plan right!" Bill facepalmed his face very aggressively I might add as he cried, "oh my goodness I totally forgot about the plan to find out about Raoul's most embarrassing secrets! Oh buggering buggerton!" Aldo wrapped his arm around Bill teasingly as he asked, "so what did you two lovebirds get up to exactly?" Aldo's eyebrows went up and down as Bill gulped heavily and began getting out from his Rolanda disguise. Oh bugger off Aldo! Leave Raoul alone wait a second hold the kettle did I just defend Raoul from criticism and mocking? Yeah I did didn't I? No screw Raoul you ain't getting inside my head... bastard. The episode then transitioned to the following morning, Bill was shown painting a really weird picture. I don't even know what was going through Bill's head when he was painting it as it appeared to be a picture of a bumblebee getting thrown up into the air by an elephant trunk which had burst out from the soil for some unexplained reason. Bill's painting was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Raoul who was flying just outside Bill's apartment window. Raoul gestured for Bill to open his window up, and Bill did just that. Upon opening the window, Raoul laughed a mighty crow's laugh as he said, "oh senior Bill you spend time painting to get over that disaster of a date yes?" "Oh shut up Raoul! Why are you so smug anyhow?" Bill inquired as he held his paintbrush up to his beak. "Well if you must know; I just met somebody. A real nice crow who loves me... or at least I certainly hope she loves me."
Knowing that Raoul was talking about Rolanda, Bill asked, "oh and what is that mysterious female caller like anyhow?" "I cannot tell you. She told me to keep it a secret from everyone as she is rather shy like a fly." Raoul said as he then began mocking Bill over the fact he had a hot date and was taking his new found love to an Mexican restaurant known as The Spicy Dice. The Spicy Dice is actually very bad but Raoul didn't know that yet, as the place serves really hot and disgusting food which gives you a bad case of the runs. You rush to a restroom only to find a man is already occupying the one and only stall. He claims he'll be there all night, but what you fail to realise is that he is actually the manager, and he just doesn't want to messing up the bathrooms that's all. Raoul dropped a steaming bishop wink onto Bill's motorbike which caused Bill's head to literally start shooting out steam as he snapped his paintbrush in two and said with a glare, "Raoul...." That evening, Bill once again posing as Rolanda found himself having a lovely time with Raoul at The Spicy Dice. Raoul was an old friend of the owners Tony and Joe who wished to cook an old Italian spaghetti and meatballs for the pair. Tony was once a nice man who would let stray dogs eat from his trash cans, but soon turned evil and had began skinning the little pups after taking a serious level in insanity following an ingestion of a dodgy bottle of Genco Pura Olive Oil from 1968. Not a very good year when it came to olive oil sales it would seem, and why that is is another story entirely. So many stories so many hours of fun! Can you handle all that? i don't think you can dear. Anyways, while having their spaghetti and meatballs a la Lady And The Tramp, Raoul kissed Bill no joke and it made Bill gag as Raoul's beak tasted like harmonic reinforcements dipped in corn syrup. Truly a taste we all wish to forget.
A time montage was then shown of Bill and Raoul going on various dates while Aldo gets all the more suspicious of Bill's intentions as he seems to have forgotten about the plan entirely. A really cheesy love song was playing in the background which was so cheesy it actually stank of tar ha! At one point in the montage, Raoul was shown catching fireflies with Bill. Raoul ended up eating some of the fireflies, and smiled at Bill. The fireflies surrounding Raoul's beak gave him the illusion of having teeth as they also caused Raoul to pull an incredibly nervous face like some kind of Scrap. Bill laughed at this and began trying to eat the fireflies. in their fun, the pair failed to notice Aldo watching them with a pair of binoculars. Aldo was hiding behind an old oak tree which had a face on it and demanded you stuffed six apples into it's mouth or else it's time for the Grit. Oh man you know what means! Aldo ended up deciding that something needed to be done in order to end Bill's little charade once and for all... dun, dun, anus! Anyways, Bill was beginning to have doubts of his own as he had been doing this whole Rolanda bit for almost a month, and it wasn't really as funny as he once thought it to be. Raoul was hopelessly in love with this Rolanda character, and Bill decided he needed to have Rolanda break up with Raoul in the most kind way possible. Bill sat at his kitchen table pen in feather and wrote a heartfelt goodbye from Rolanda to Raoul. In the letter, Rolanda describes having to move away from Ducktown after being summoned to work for Lord Nooth as his personal masseuse with an incredibly promising starting salary of $50,000. Bill wrapped the letter up in cauliflower as he got ready to deliver it to Raoul's residence only to get stopped in the doorway by Aldo who was holding a letter of his own and he did not look very happy. He looked very angry.
Handing the letter over to Bill, he was shocked to discover it was an invite for Rolanda to come and meet Raoul's parents up at their flying school over in Crow City, yes Raoul's parents own a flying school which they use to teach lower class crows like poor...um I don't actually know any crows by name how to fly. Aldo tried to stop Bill from going by saying, "Bill this little game has gone on far enough. I talked to Bev and she and I both agree that you're just wasting time on a fool's errand." "You don't know anything Aldo... Raoul he's different somehow the more you get to know him." Bill admitted as he then proceeded to ran out of the apartment building. Fearing for his friend's safety, Aldo ran outside of the apartment complex and roared a mighty gator roar at an old lady duck who was driving her moped at 2 miles an hour. The old lady duck ran down the streets crying actually no she slowly made her way down them using a zimmer frame. This didn't last very long as Aldo ended up running her over with her own damn moped. Arriving at Raoul's parents' residence, Bill finally came to understand how people like Raoul can be so arrogant. He finally understood why Raoul always tried to represent himself with a hare of pride and calmness... he was trying to erase the past as his parents did not care much for their son. Seriously, upon arriving at the flying school, Raoul's brother who is a dog for some reason an incredibly sinister dog at that pointed an accusing finger at Bill still disguised as Rolanda as he yelled, "he better not be a duck! If I even smell duck... I'll bury the two of ya!" Oh yes, Raoul's brother was known for burying ducks in trail mix and laughing as they struggle to get out. He used to do this sadistic trick to rats, but he preferred to kill ducks even though they had never done anything to him.
Raoul's parents didn't fare much better as they resented Raoul for costing them their chances to strike it rich. Many moons ago, back Raoul was a little crow he was sent to show off the model of his family's brand new jet engine to a big shot billionaire named Mr Big who smiles an incredibly sinister smile every time he is impressed or slightly aroused by an invention such as this. Sadly, Raoul fell asleep the night before the big pitch meeting and while sleeping, his father was explaining in pain staking detail how the jet plane was to work. Raoul ended up botching that meeting and got plane fuel all over Mr Big's beautiful bald head. Yes, for some reason, Raoul's parents had filled their model jet plane with actual plane fuel; hmm perhaps they're the real idiots in this mini little anecdote. "You cost us everything!" Raoul's Father who wore a very large Amish like hat as he basically spent the next hour talking about how Raoul had no potential and neither did any of his crow homies. Some delivery crows who were friends of the Raoul family proceeded to take individual dumps on Raoul who simply grimaced and said, "you know me I'm just Raoul." Having had enough of Raoul's cruel treatment, Bill held his feather up and yelled, "now hang on just a moment! Raoul may be annoying, a condescending, and downright turkey baster of a crow, but in the end he is still a good guy which is far better than I say for the rest of you." Raoul's Father removed the hat from his head as he said, "you are very right Rolanda how could I have been such an ass to my beautiful son? My son I make you toast." "Hmm well I don't really like toast. I'd rather just eat this burger." Raoul said as he pulled a veggie burger out from thin air. Everyone laughed at that including Bill. Just as Bill and Raoul were about to accompany the Raoul Family inside for some Crow City Style Goat Cheese Tar Plate which is basically a plate full of goat cheese dipped in tar, Aldo appeared on the scene in a jeep which he had stolen from a certain bandicoot. You know the one right?
Aldo ran up to Bill only for Raoul's Father to pull out a handgun and aim at the head of a nearby chocolate bunny who looked completely terrified. Yes, the bunny was inanimate because why not? Raoul's Father was known to use this so called shoot the choco bunny trick all the time when Raoul and his brother were younger in order to scare them into doing their chores. He would never actually kill the choco bunny though as his moral code was he never could kill anything that was as cute as a little bunny rabbit. Well he may be an arsehole but at least Raoul's Father has still got some principles left. Aldo ran past Raoul's Father and Mother knocking them down onto the ground with his immense strength. "Rolanda! This game ends now!" Aldo bellowed as Raoul flew to his beloved's aid and cried, "so you have come to steal my beloved right from under me ay? Well it ain't gonna happen!" Raoul then began flying around Aldo like a bothersome house fly and attempted to push Aldo towards the well where Aldo would no doubt spend the rest of his days begging for water only to have a brick thrown at his head. Oh dear. Anyways, Aldo managed to grab hold of Raoul's beak and pinned him down onto the ground, but that's when Bill began to sing a little song about how much he has learned about Raoul over the past month. Climbing atop an old stone in the middle of the air strip, Bill began singing, "You've been with me such a long time you're my Raoul I want you to know that my feelings are true I really detest you. You're my best frenemy." Raoul rubbed the back of his head confused as he asked dumbfounded, "senior Bill?" Bill then removed the blonde wig and fake crow outfit which still looks so bad. Like seriously, how did no one see through the ruse earlier hmm. I smell a bit of crow shit if you don't mind me saying.
Before Raoul had time to fully register the deception, Aldo poked Bill on the shoulder as he said, "uh Bill I would actually... um." Bill and Raoul turned around to see Raoul's entire family now glaring at them and holding pitchforks and torches. The pair turned around and began running away as did Aldo. The trio ran down a massive green hill while Raoul's family threw their weapons into the air causing them to get all over the fucking floor of the hill! Do hills have floors? I think they do... YES! Anyways, after a pretty awesome chase sequence, Bill and the others regrouped at Bev's in order to discuss their affairs over one of Bev's patterned milkshakes. Old Bev recipe! Drinking from a chocolate milkshake, Raoul looked at Bill with contempt as he said, "so, let me get this straight senior Bill you seduced me into a relationship in an attempt to embarrass me, but you ended up building a genuine connection with me after hearing my full dramatic tale." You may want to consider selling that particular dramatic tale to Audible dearest Raoul for they've got dreams to make the vision in your head a reality. Raoul though angry with Bill came to realise that maybe he was a nice crow deep down inside. Raoul then went on to explain to the pair that when he was a little crow, a family of ducks came to live in the hills behind his family's flying school. Raoul would hang out with those ducks only for them to then be thrown into a river where they were eaten by mutant pigs. Twas Raoul's father who had committed the act in question and he warned Raoul that he could and would end up with a similar fate if he was ever caught hanging out with ducks again. This caused Raoul to harbour a resentment towards ducks, and insulted Bill day in and out because that's the way he was raised and also because he just enjoys some good teasing especially with Senior Bill. That nickname honestly just makes Bill sound like an old fart who has eaten far too many pork rinds.
The episode then ended with Raoul giving Bill a tour of Ducktown from above, Aldo was accompanying them via a hot air balloon being driven by Cecil. Raoul ended up dropping Bill who screamed, "RAOUL," as he fell towards an old saw mill begging Aldo to get him a bag of chips. Raoul shrugged the most smug shrug that I've ever seen Raoul pull as he looked at the screen and remarked, "butter feathers!" After that, the credits played like normal only for a post credit scene to appear which had Raoul himself talking to the screen. He was the Doctor all along! Sorry, I meant that Raoul was alive the entire time! Oh joyous days! Oh Raoul I was wrong all this time we should preserve our historic landmarks. Raoul somehow then proceeded to climb out from my television, and while he was doing that Boog ended up finally coming out from the restroom and began waving at me which caused me to look at the wall clock and learn that it was way past Boog's bedtime. "Boog!" I yelled with rage before continuing with, "get the fuck to bed!" Boog smiled a warm smile before vomiting some cheerio's all over Raoul who looked very disgusted which is completely understandable. Using a piece of tissue paper to wipe off all of the sick covering him, Raoul whined, "now I can see why Senior Bill hates it so whenever I empty my guts out onto him." After Boog excused himself from the room, I asked why Raoul was here since to my knowledge he was just a fictional character. "Oh you really are a stupid Gordy!" Raoul laughed as he then continued with, "I was always real but you just didn't know it yet. I mean think about it; who do you think founded that damn Raoul Club in the first place?" "Um Mr Rassendyll." I said sheepishly completely unlike how I usually am. "Don't be a bigger idiot than you already are Gordy, twas I who founded the club and everyone at the club are personal followers of mine. Once upon a time, I used to have another fan club up in Ducktown, but then they received a visit in the night.
Raoul and I busied ourselves by getting some coffee at the local coffee hut in Grigg Town, with Raoul explaining that he had entrusted his good friend Professor Lionmane to create an episode of Sitting Ducks which would change my opinion on not just Raoul but crows in general. So, as you can quite clearly see, it's all coming together like a beautiful synagogue. Having some new found confidence, I decided to right my wrongs by admitting my wrongs and apologizing to everyone not just the patrons of Club Raoul, but the entire crow populace of Alaska too. Heading back to Club Raoul, I discovered that it was just about to be closed down by the health department because the club was promoting people to be mean to ducks. Mr Rassendyll and his fellow club attendees were making their way down a nearby hill. I tried to get them to reconsider but all they did was respond by glaring at my unbuttoned shirt collar. I really do need to learn how to do that don't I, my pork? I pulled up an old soap box and stood atop it as I sang, "but don't you see Raoul needs us terribly? We've got in us to be a huge success." Everyone began tearing up at my little musical number, even the incredibly sinister police officer who had placed the condemned sign on the club's entrance was so moved by my singing that he actually started weeping like a little donkey. Oh, that police officer is indeed incredibly sinister and is known to smile menacingly at people as they try and explain why their accidental littering was actually the result of a rise in the silicon mass.
Club Raoul was allowed to open it's doors once again, with everyone being happy to attend in fact pretty much everyone in Alaska started attending the club including yours truly. Sadly, Raoul has not quite forgiven me for my previous harsh words about him and his fellow crows so he grabbed me by the neck with his immense strength as he proclaimed, "looks like you could do with a job!" Also, while saying this, Raoul was looking at me with the most smug grin that has ever been smugged. I never until this day that one little crow was capable of being so smug, but now I do. I was given a very DISGUSTING job which involved me having to give Raoul massages every now and then. Not all the time as Raoul was no sadist. My job was to massage Raoul's back and pull disgusting barnacles out from his back but I don't care as I have begun to realise that I have a bit of a thing for ole Raoul's beaky beak. I deserved it too as I was very rude to the crows, but now I am very nice to them and often throw them some veggie burgers whenever I sit on a bench overlooking the sea. I do hope that one day that I may be as cool as a crow, but until that day I'm loving Raoul instead.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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