Ronald McDonald Has Had Enough
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Ronald McDonald is fed up with being a symbol of corporate greed and obesity. He wants to be free. He wants to live in a world without chains on his ankles or fast food on his plate. He was born that way. And now it's time for him to die that way. Ronald has hated McDonald's since the first day they opened their first restaurant as a shitty "community" where local business owners could get a discount on food by employing all of the "undesirable" population. In fact, it was that very first time where he felt the horrible sensation of being pushed around by large men in suits who had a great interest in him. They would fondle him and stuff his face with cheap, shitty food. It was a constant downpour that day and the sky kept on rotating just so he would not feel completely helpless in the face of adversity. Despite of all the abuse and despair, Ronald always kept a smile on his face.
McDonald's is coming out with a new heart stopping burger called the McWhopper. Yes, the McWhopper. This burger is McDonald's answer to Burger King's Whopper. It has all the meat from the one burger, but instead of buns, it's built with a massive wall of lettuce. This is a pathetic attempt by McDonald's to be edgy. It's the same shitty cancer causing bullshit that they have been serving since the opening of this retched company. McDonald's has been so successful at making America and other countries an obese laughing stock that the only thing they give a shit about is making more money. Obesity be damned.
Ronald McDonald has lived a hateful, unhappy life. He wants to be free from the clutches of these greedy fat bastards that own these restaurants. He wishes he had never been born. Perhaps, if his Mom hadn't insisted on having that unwanted child, he wouldn't be here. Ronald is so far gone that all he thinks about is murder, death, and hate. But, he was always somewhat able to control his desires. Until now.
"I want to dunk their faces in a deep fryer."
"I want to grill their insides."
"I want to drown them in their "Special Sauce."
"I want to tear them limb from limb and shit down their throat."
"I want to kill them all."
These impulses are stronger than ever before in his life. It's the end of the year and Ronald hasn't eaten anything but McDonald's since the middle of January. He's growing weaker by the minute from all the malnutrition. His heart is weak. One day, Ronald's fat greedy overlords open Ronald's chamber so he can try more obesity in a bag. It's a tray of French fries. This is the final straw. Ronald thinks French fries are the most disgusting thing on the planet and will not eat them unless he is forced to. He looks at the fries with fresh Hell sauce on them and simply says, "Nah, I'll pass I'd rather eat those rotten apple slices." Everything comes to an abrupt halt. Ronald's overlords stare blankly in front of them with their napkins still covering their mouths. Nobody makes any move as the silence is deafening. Ronald's eyes dart around the room as he begins to feel the hatred well up within him as he clutches his fist. He suddenly roars,
"I HATE MCDONALD'S!"
Ronald smashes the head of one of the corporate slime balls into the greasy floor with a thud as the tray, with all of its contents, hits the floor and shatters. Hell sauce and all floats around the chamber. The other four stare in shock at the strewn mess that now lies before them. Ronald continues to rage, frothing and foaming at the mouth. He grabs a hold of the nearest scumbag who isn't wearing a mask and chokes him out, causing his fat to spew out of his mouth. The sound of choking is replayed as a slap is heard, before another one of those fuckers bashes Ronald in the stomach with a clipboard. Ronald slumps to the floor wheezing and trying to get air inside his suddenly collapsing lungs. The wealth hoarder who hit Ronald accidentally slashes his own hand off with a ball-peen hammer. It makes a loud, nasty sound that causes two of the greedy bastards to wince and look away.
"Obesity is a billion-dollar a year industry..." Ronald says while laying on the floor clutching his chest. "I'll show you how to make a million with this, dick heads." Ronald McDonald suddenly gets up, pulls an old, rotting Big Mac from his back pocket, and runs at one of the corporate scumbags. Ronald smashes the disgusting Big Mac into the side of one of the corporate abomination's head, causing his fat useless body to fall over. Ronald grabs the guy, twists him around, and begins shoving the rotting Big Mac inside of his mouth. With all the cholesterol and rotting saturated fat in there, it causes an entire intestine to explode out of his mouth, all over Ronald's face and in his mouth. Ronald gags as the millionaire low-life begins to choke to death. During all this mayhem, the other corporate grease ball comes in with a gun. He points it at Ronald's head and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. The clip is empty.
Ronald McDonald jokes "McDouble? How about I double your money back?" Ronald grabs the gun and quickly and roughly shoves the barrel up the man's ass. The man let's out one last petulant whine, before he's silenced as the barrel of a gun suddenly slides right down his throat, as the fat piece of shit chokes to death. "The rich get richer and the poor get fucked." says Ronald as he wipes the shit off his face with the man's jacket.
Ronald McDonald just killed 5 of the most high level members of corporate. He also took out a large property (valued at 25 million, making the total damage 200 million) and killed 15 people including two police officers and 8 civilians. Ronald is eventually killed by a police sniper. The sniper shot Ronald in the back of the head, putting an end to his murderous rampage.
Afterwards, McDonalds completely retires Ronald McDonald as the company's mascot. They even go as far as to rename McDonalds to "Golden Arches", the official name of the company. All media that contains Ronald McDonald is destroyed, the character is erased from all forms of existence. Even his trademark laughter, which made the world cringe and feel angry, is scrapped. McDonald's (now Golden Arches) does this to avoid any possible lawsuits from his numerous fans and to distance the company from the hate group that rose to fame due to Ronald's popularity.
Fast food will never be same, and it will continue to suffer for what Ronald did. Maybe people will finally stop eating that shit, and the world will become a better place.
Written by TrickyNix
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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