Russian About (My Life As A Teenage Robot Lost Episode)
Well this is certainly unexpected, I never thought in a million years that I would have to write one of these, but it would appear that I have no choice now doesn't it? General Asquith's the name, and you've probably already heard of me I'm kind of a big deal unlike some of those fools I'm going to keep this story as real as can possibly be. Now let me tell you something; being the Chief Of The Defence Staff ain't no cake walk. Like seriously, when I first signed up to join the military I never quite imagine how much work it was going to be. Hell, if I had known it was going to be this much work I probably would have dropped my flags and headed straight to college in order to study accounting. Now something you may not know about me, is the fact that I absolutely detest lost media. I mean I really cannot stand it! The mere mention of a lost episode or a video game bootleg is enough to send shivers from my big meaty neck right down to my arse crack. As the years have gone on, lost episodes as well as lost media in general have been becoming more and more common. Now, there were of course protocols in place for whenever one of these lost media projects is discovered. These were known as the emergency protocols; and they listed all the people who could help in a crisis involving lost media. I was of course one of the many people including in the emergency protocols. I mean why wouldn't I be? Now, I do try my best to stop the spread of lost media but that sometimes puts me at odds with my superiors including Prime Minister Boris Johnson and General W.R Monger. Oh W.R Monger even just saying your name is enough to make my skin itch like forks are digging into it.
Much like me, Boris Johnson hated lost media but he didn't know who to blame for the recent influx of it which is why he chose to blame me and me alone instead of the general populace much to my chagrin. Boris Johnson is very annoyed by the lost media projects as they are interrupting his plans to build his very own Thneed factory. The factory produces as you might expect; Thneeds which are made from Boris' hair which is as soft as butterfly milk. Ever drunk butterfly milk? Nope neither have I. For some stupid reason, Boris actually believed that I was conspiring against him in part due to rumours that were being spun to him by his trusted transport liaison and possible part-time lover; Jack Hardemeyer. What happened to Easyemeyer? No but with all due seriousness, ever since Mr Hardemeyer came to Downing Street I have had nothing but trouble. He spent long afternoons in the Cabinet room complaining to Boris and the other MP's about how I was an ungrateful son of a gun, and that I reportedly laughed hysterically when I heard Jack's tragic backstory. Well more fake backstory actually. According to Hardemeyer's portfilo. he was left abandoned on the steps outside the Big Smoke Orphanage and was eventually adopted by a band of mentally deranged seals who owned a marching band which had some really terrible music. Though their first album in 2003 was number one on the charts for three consecutive weeks, the rest of their albums did not fare so lucky and the band disbanded themselves in 2007. However, as stated earlier that backstory of Hardemeyer's was nothing more than an elaborate red herring. In reality, Hardemeyer grew up in Stanford and had a very boring very mundane life. So boring in fact that I shall not diverge any details on it.
Although he denied them at first, Boris Johnson eventually started to believe the rumours that Hardemeyer was spinning him and got ready to get the clearance from the Queen to fire me. However, I demanded that Johnson give me one last chance to prove my innocence. Boris leaned back on his black leather chair and took a puff from a big old Hardbrooke cigar as he said, "well very Asquith I shall give you one last chance in order to see if my faith in you was not wise. Your job is this... I want you to kill Evil Russian Mario. He's been using the Southport Docks in Newport to smuggle crates after crates of lost media projects. Without him, lost media may finally come to a standstill." I then tried asking if Boris had any other jobs that I could instead, and he told me that there was one other job going which involved me giving Boris' butler Igor a bath. I would have to scrub Igor down in a sponge doused in vinegar as he read me verses from The Book Of Palms. I fricking love that book! Sorry, I'm getting a bad bit giddy just thinking of it! So with much initial reluctance, I gave Hardemeyer the middle finger and gave Boris Johnson a handshake as I proclaimed, "Mr Johnson you've got yourself a deal! Rest assure, with God as my witness, I will kill Evil Russian Mario!" "Excellent excellent! Of course a job like this is going to need some serious fire power." Boris then pulled a small blank card out from his hair and placed it onto the table. The card was the address of Captain Birdeye's private gun shop over in Soho. While leaving the Cabinet room, Boris informed me that after picking up the firepower from Birdseye, I needed to head straight to the airport and catch the first flight to Russia as Evil Russian Mario was planning on giving a massive press conference in Red Square. He was planning to show the citizens of Russia the very first SpongeBob SquarePants Russian bootleg episode and a half shell. Well my word I must say that is certainly quite a load wouldn't you say too dear reader?
Much to my chagrin, Captain Birdseye was in the middle of losing a very heated game of poker to a pigeon who is on Barzini's payroll even though he claims to be loyal to the Corleone's. The thing is I smell a rat and it doesn't smell so sweet to be perfectly honest with you. Captain Birdseye after losing the game lost his cool and killed the pigeon by slamming a wooden mallet on it killing it instantly. Turning his attention towards me, Birdseye shot me a glare as he then grinned an ear to ear grin as he then came running towards me as he realised that me and him were on in the same in the sense that we were both service men. Ole Birdseye was delighted when he heard about my high-ranking status in the military and then we spent the next two hours telling each other stories about our times in the army. Birdseye eventually turned the conversation around and began pestering me about how cheap his new fish fingers were and how his brand new pizza was now only £3.55 at Tesco. His pizza is disgusting and I hardly recommend buying it unless you want to end up in the hospital. The pizza is very dangerous and it falls from the sky. The pizza has sweetcorn on it and it is very dangerous to eat. "Listen Birdseye," I said with contempt before continuing with, "I'd love to stay and chat really I would, but I gotta go okay?" And with that, Birdseye handed me the MG42, and asked if I knew how to use it. Where does he get off eh? Of course, I know how to use it we use these things all the damn time. Birdseye provided me with a van in order to transport the MG42 from his shop over to the airport. Sadly, during the ride over there, I ended up having to swerve the car off the road in order to avoid running over some baby ducklings. I ended up ramming into an old oak tree which stank of toxic waste, and both the van and the MG42 ended up getting destroyed in the accident. Birdseye I am truly sorry. I really am.
I thumbed a lift to the airport, and upon arriving at the main entrance I was very annoyed to spot W.R Monger waiting for me. "What are you doing here Warren?" I asked as I placed my suitcases down onto the ground. W.R Monger slapped my face very aggressively as he said, "don't you dare call me that! Listen, Mr Johnson smells a rat and he wants me to accompany you to Russia just in case things get heated. No problem eh? So Asquith did you get the thing from Birdseye?" I gulped heavily as W.R Monger threw me down onto the ground as he yelled, "don't tell me you destroyed it Asquith!" "Well yeah actually I did." I admitted. W.R Monger climbed out from me and suggested that we head inside the airport in order to catch our flight. We had no time to argue now for we had a plane to catch. We would use the flight as thinking time for what we were going to do about Evil Russian Mario. The flight was very bad as I often get ear ache while on long plane journeys so the flight attendant started forcing me to down glasses of boiling hot scotch which had painkillers taped to the bottom of the glass. W.R Monger meanwhile laughed at my misery as he stared out the window at the beautiful Russian landscapes. I relaxed into my chair as W.R Monger turned to me and handed me a big glass of champagne and said, "when we get to Russia, just let me do all the talking. I did some work down there a few years back. It's a beautiful place but very dangerous so stay close okay? Bastard." I took a sip from my glass of champagne and started gagging violently like some kind of Mr Bean as it tasted like it had vinegar in it. Oh dear.
Upon arriving in Russia, W.R Monger and I were greeted at the airport by none other than Evil Russian Mario himself. "Ah General Asquith General Monger so glad to see you two!" Evil Russian Mario greeted very happily as he gave me the biggest handshake you ever did see. The sheer force of the handshake caused me to start coughing out some Tic Tacs. How'd they get in there? Evil Russian Mario informed us that he had been tipped about our arrival by a mouse with a severe nose injury. I knew that mouse was a double agent! Evil Russian Mario reached inside his incredibly stereotypical Russian hat and pulled out two red tickets as he said, "these are for you two gentlemen. Front row seats for my big speech in Red Square. Six o'clock this very night. You will come won't you?" W.R Monger and I both looked at each other dumbfounded, but eventually we accepted Evil Russian Mario's offer as he left the airport accompanied by waves upon waves of bodyguards. We could have taken that guy down right there and then... if we had a gun. Leaving the airport, W.R Monger and I made our way through the busy streets of Russia until we eventually came across a small deserted street located just a few square kilometres of Red Square. There were loads of creepy shops in including an incredibly smelly sweet shop where the seemingly sweet old owner turns goblins into wax sculptures, and lastly at the end of the street sat an old dentist's office which had an incredibly scary dentist standing next to it holding a book on lice. The dentist whose name was Doctor Wilbur stared at us with lust in his eyes as we made our way past the dentistry office only to get pulled inside by the ear. Oh it really it did hurt!
I get the feeling that Wilbur didn't get many customers as he immediately began trying to perform surgery on W.R Monger's teeth as he claimed that there was a great deal of gangrene forming around the roof of Monger's mouth. Feeling very sadistic, I left W.R Monger in the care of Doctor Wilbur and made my way into the waiting room where a young man in his mid to late twenties was sitting playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. There was a jar of sweets located on a table in the room, and I put my hand into the cookie jar so to speak only for Doctor Wilbur to clasp his big hairy hand right down onto mine. "What have you got there son?" Doctor Wilbur inquired as I held up a small toffee flavoured lollipop. Doctor Wilbur gagged at the sight as he held the lollipop with contempt before saying, "lollipops... they're what we call cavities on a stick." Needing to shake off the uncomfortable vibes, I inquired about the young man playing Shrek 2 on Xbox and was informed by Doctor Wilbur that the man in the question was his nephew; Matt Miller. Matt Miler had refused to join his uncle in the dentistry trade and had instead opted to go into the business of hacking and creating lost media projects. "He was a real wiz with computers"" Doctor Wilbur had bragged much to my chagrin. W.R Monger entered the room wearing head gear and he yanked the thing off only to find it been wielded on with super glue. Still, Monger had heard all about Matt Miller's quote on quote expert hacking skills and looked at me with a devilish grin as he asked, "you thinking what I'm thinking Asquith?" We stuffed Mr Miller into an old duffle bag as we made our way out onto the streets. Doctor Wilbur hadn't bothered to pursue us as he was far too busy lamenting how disgusting Oxfordshire Toffees are. "Toffees they'd get stuck in your teeth!" Doctor Wilbur complained to himself as he held the toffees with such contempt it's almost suspicious.
Arriving at Red Square, we saw that Evil Russian Mario and his personal assistant were getting everything set up for the big speech which was set to address the entire country about the change in the economical mass. We released Mr Miller from the duffle bag. He was holding onto his Banana branded laptop for dear life as he pleaded, "look lads I don't want no trouble okay?" "And you won't get any." W.R Monger said before continuing with, "we'll let you go free if you do us a wee little favour." "Sure anything what?" Matt Miller asked as we asked him some general questions regarding his hacking skills. After Miller confirmed to us that he was an expert hacker by informing us how much a log rhythm was worth. The only question I never knew the answer to in my GCSE Maths exam. I would have gotten an A Star had it not been for that damn log rhythm! Now for the big speech, ERM was going to be presenting a small short film on the Russian jumbotron depicting his plans for the new convention centre and other boring business related things that you couldn't possibly understand. ERM was so lazy that he didn't bother playing himself in the short film and instead the role would be filled in by his stand in Scottish actor Tony Martin. Martin didn't look or sound anything like ERM, but whatever not like it matters anyway right? We asked if Matt Miller would be able to hack into the jumbotron and play one of his bootleg creations onto it to de-frame ERM. The citizens of Russia would think that ERM had made the bootleg himself and he would then be arrested by the Russian police department who were providing extra backup security for the speech. This would save me and Monger the trouble of trying to assassinate ERM which seemed to be an impossible act to perform given the fact we no longer had the MG42 on hand,
Matt Miller agreed to help us happily and he set to work on preparing his laptop by connecting it to the blue tooth system installed on the jumbotron. I had no idea what bootleg he was planning on showing, but I do know that Matt was smiling an incredibly sinister squidy smile as he began smashing his fingers atop the keys on the smelly keyboard. W.R Monger and I took our seats as ERM stood at the front of the old wooden stage. He give a little introductory speech about his time in Moscow and his friendship with the Tamil Kings. i gulped when I heard about his association with the Tamil Kings which is something that Boris Johnson failed to mention when he issued me the job of assassinating the poor bastard. Evil Russian Mario eventually signalled for the backstage people to begin the short film, and the film barely even got past the main title until it changed to the opening theme song to My Life As A Teenage Robot. Now, something you probably wouldn't have guessed I like is Nickelodeon. Well more specifically, I'm obsessed with the old Nick cartoons like Doug, Hey Arnold, Rocko's Modern Life, the aforementioned Life As A Teenage Robot, Angry Beavers, and so on and so forth. I didn't like SpongeBob SquarePants however, and was very annoyed with how often my soldiers would spout out an annoying line from the show. I swear to otter the next time someone says, "25," or, "MY LEG," to me I'm gonna lose it! My Life As A Teenage Robot is perhaps the prime example of a show getting cancelled way too early. It was cancelled for having poor ratings, but we all know it was only cancelled because Nickelodeon only have eyes for the smelly sea sponge. How delightfully Tetley!
My Life As A Teenage Robot is all about this robot teenage girl who goes by the name of Jenny. In a similar vein to Kim Possible, the show revolves the girl's adventures in kicking ass whilst also dealing with the hardships of being a teenage girl like attending school and whatnot. However, the theme song was completely different. Brad came on screen and he looked really sick. Like seriously, poor Brad's skin was as green as Shrek and he ended up falling off a cliff into a pit of M&M Mini's. Just as looked as though Brad was going to die, Jenny ended up magically appearing on the screen and she flew into Brad. Sadly, her jetpack ended up catching Brad on fire and he died instantly from that. Jenny didn't seem to mind however as she looked at the screen and shrugged the smuggest shrug that you ever did see. It was so smug in fact that I made me feel very disgusted. I should mention that Evil Russian Mario didn't seem that fazed by the fact that his short film had been replaced with an episode of My Life As A Teenage Robot, though I could certainly tell that deep down he was hurting. Well I got a lesson for you friend everybody hurts. After the theme song ended, the episode's name came on screen and it read, "Russian About." Ah! An excellent choice by Mr Miller I must say! Here me and W.R Monger are settling problems in Russia, and he's gone and made an episode all about Jenny kicking butt in Russia. I clasped my hands together as the episode began with Jenny fighting against evil mole man hybrid things which were led by local mob boss; The Mole. According to a flashback which was briefly seen, Jenny and Brad had discovered a hole in the ground at Tremorton High School. Investigating the hole, the pair found themselves kidnapped by the mole people on the orders of The Mole.
Now initially, the moles did not want to kill Jenny as they instead wanted her to marry The Mole. For some reason not really sure why whatever I'll buy it. At a high price I might add! The moles sang to Jenny and Brad a really cringey song all about how they wanted her to marry The Mole. Jenny didn't want to marry The Mole and quite rightfully so, and in any case she and Brad were able to defeat all of the mole man hybrid things which is Jenny hit a large red button located on the far side of the cavern. From the floor underneath Jenny, a large trapdoor opened and a series of bumblebees came out from it and swarmed around The Mole stinging him repeatedly. The Mole is seriously allergic to bee stings so he swelled up like the biggest balloon you'd ever see and was hailed off to the hospital. Brad meanwhile folded his arms confidently as he said, "what a prick." Jenny laughed hysterically at this which just made me sad as I too am allergic to bees and if this happened to me no one would laugh because I'd have them killed. Ahem sorry uh anyways, at moment Jenny received a call from Doctor Wakeman who demanded to speak with Jenny immediately. Before leaving the hole, Jenny made sure to set fire to the den with her jetpack. I would say I feel sorry for the moles, but I'm afraid I just can't since those moles are pretty sadistic and will yank the wings off from dragonflies. Oh wait was that frogs? Jenny and Brad arrived at Doctor Wakeman's office, but Wakeman looked ill like seriously ill. Her skin was green like Shrek and she had mushrooms coming out from her hair which looked very dirty.
Doctor Wakeman gestured for Jenny to sit down, and she did so as Doctor Wakeman then announced that she had some amazing news. "Oh really and what is that?" Jenny asked in a rather arrogant tone. Tone it down Jenny! Doctor Wakeman smiled an iconic grin as she said, "well there was something to do with the water not working and the cat fetching the police." Brad looked dumbfounded as he asked, "uh what are you talking about?" Doctor Wakeman took a sip from her nearby cup of coffee as she said, "oh sorry about that; now what I meant to say is. Senator Once-Ler called and he wants to give Jenny a medal on the account of her saving Russia from that massive snowstorm a couple months back." Yes, Jenny had saved Russia... well actually her assistant and jilted lover Terrance The Tractor had been the true saviour as a massive snowstorm had occurred in Russia which had rendered everyone trapped in their homes. Senator Once-Ler former owner of Thneed Industries and now proud ruler of Russia demanded that something be done about, and that's when Jenny offered her services. The Once-Ler accepted Jenny's offer but threatened her with his hammer as he yelled, "if you mess up I'll fucking end you!" What happened to you Oncie? With Terrence's help, Jenny was easily able to sweep all the snow up but then she went on to take the credit for herself. Terrence's pleas about being the true hero all fell on deaf ears and Jenny simply dismissed it as Terrence simply being jealous. Jenny was very cruel to Terrence as she made fun of him for having custard eyes and commented that his wheels looked very ugly. "They're not ugly they're caterpillars!" Terrence cried as he ate from a tub of Ben & Jerry's even though he's lactose intolerant. Actually hang on a minute, how can a tractor eat ice cream or be lactose intolerant to begin with? Whatever, not like it matters but I would like to know these things ya know?
Okay, so something I probably should have mentioned earlier is that this episode was clearly not a real episode as all the voices were dubbed in by other people. For example, Brad was voiced by Matt Miller, Jenny was being voiced by First Lady Aunt Grizelda, and Doctor Wakeman was being voiced by.. well it sounded like a 54 year old Scottish bartender. Aunt Grizelda's big booming voice did not fit Jenny's character at all, and given the fact this episode was written by Mr Miller it helped to explain why Jenny was acting so out of character. Now, the Once-Ler believing that solely Jenny had been responsible for saving Russia, he wanted to award her by giving her a medal at a massive fireworks display in Red Square the following evening. "We're going first class!" Doctor Wakeman sang at the very top of her lungs as she threw three plane tickets down onto the table. "Whoa what about Tuck can he come too?" Brad asked. Doctor Wakeman laughed hysterically at Brad's question before saying, "nope!" She then proceeded to rudely shove Jenny and Brad down the street where they caught a cab. The cab driver had no eyes and as such he wasn't paying attention to the road. The episode then cut to show Tuck walking out from a candy store as he began to cross the street only to get run over by the cab. For some reason, for a split second there, everyone in the car turned into Turnips. It lasted only two seconds, but it managed to make me a tad bit uneasy as I had always had a fear of Turnips or rather the fear of having one of them stick to the roof of your mouth. It's not a common phobia I am aware of that fact, but tis a phobia nonetheless. Arriving at the airport, Jenny, Doctor Wakeman, and Brad had themselves a shite watery latte before catching their flight to Russia.
Arriving in Russia, the trio walked through the airport like they owned the place and upon exiting the front doors they found a small Rolls Royce waiting for them. "What's the occasion?" Jenny inquired as she made her way inside the car with Brad and Doctor Wakeman following closely behind her. Never in her life had Jenny ever seen a place as beautiful as Russia. It was very beautiful indeed! The Rolls Royce pulled up outside a large luxury hotel which was larger than the barge if you know what I mean. Heading inside the hotel, Jenny was thrown onto a conveyer belt along with a bunch of suitcases whilst Brad and Doctor Wakeman were escorted to their room. Jenny made her way through the world of suitcases until she finally found a hotel room run by a local drag queen who pointed Jenny in the right direction. Arriving at the hotel room, Jenny was dismayed to find Brad eating bananas in bed as he threw a banana peel right at Jenny's head. Jenny pealed the banana peel off from her head as she then asked, "so what happens now?" Doctor Wakeman came smoking from a pipe as she said, "I just off the phone to Mr Once-Ler. He's sending someone around to pick us up in half an hour. Exactly half an hour." Jenny eyed the wall clock which had a face and it looked demented for its eyes were bulging out like some kind of Luca Brasi and it also happened to have teeth which were as sharp as knives. Sitting down on an old recliner chair, Jenny was about ask Brad something when a large scary moustache man came into the room. He was dressed like an early 1900's Russian soldier and he introduced himself as General Vladimir Ikonovich. He grabbed Jenny by her pigtails as he threatened her with, "you... you're coming with me. Mr Once-Ler wants a little chat." Doctor Wakeman and Brad followed the pair into the hotel lobby, but they were held by General Vlad's bodyguards who claimed that the Once-Ler only wanted to see Jenny and not them. "Well shit." Doctor Wakeman remarked to Brad as the screen cut to black.
The Once-Ler owned a massive factory in Russia which was located on top of an old smelly mountain. The factory... you could see it from a mile away as it had Christmas lights attached to it which were so bright that they would make you blind. The factory was real smelly too as it had huge smog clouds coming out from the top of it. Arriving at the front door, Jenny was patted down by Once-Ler's bros Brett and Chet who remained very impassive as they opened the doors to the Once-Ler's office and Jenny walked inside. Sat at his desk, the Once-Ler rose up from his chair as he said, "there's a reason I called you here XJ-9." "Uh the name's Jenny actually." Jenny added only to have the Once-Ler throw an axe which hit the wall and only just narrowly managed to avoid hitting her head. "Listen; I don't like robots." The Once-Ler explained as he then went on to say that he knew Jenny was lying about saving Russia from the snowstorm, and he knew fully well that Terrence had been the true hero. He knew this because in his mind all robots were liars, and he believed Jenny to be no different. Brett and Chet then came into the room and pinned Jenny down to the ground, and placed a golf into her nose hole. From above, the Once-Ler swung a golf club in front of Jenny's face as he threatened her with, "here's the deal XJ-9, I'll let you free if you help me expand my Thneed business into Tremorton." "Expand?" Jenny asked in a muffled voice. "Yes expand like celery sticks." The Once-Ler explained as he hit the golf ball out of Jenny's nose. The Once-Ler offered Jenny a hand, and she took it as he lifted her off from the cold hard smelly ground of the office. "Why do you wish to expand into Tremorton anyhow?" Jenny inquired. "Oh don't you see XJ-9; the Thneeds are revolutionary guaranteed!" The Once-Ler sang as he showed off a pink Thneed which made Jenny gag in pain likely remembering the time Brad wore a pink Thneed before the school went on a field trip to Italy to meet with the incredibly cynical opera master.
The Once-Ler wished to expand his Thneed business into Tremorton because that's where the sea goes and there's a ton of cash looking to be burnt. Once his Thneeds start selling in Tremorton, the Once-Ler planned on opening a factory down there and then of course it would just be an avalanche of development. It would be time for some more biggering! Jenny then asked, "but what if I refuse? I may Thneeds... they're hardly ethical now are they?" The Once-Ler threw another axe at Jenny who flew out of the room using her jetpack. She flew above the balcony of the Once-Ler's office which overlooked the Russian mountain tops. The Once-Ler leaned onto the balcony as he said, "consider this warning XJ-9 help me expand into Tremorton or else you're dead. Don't even try and run to Canada cause I'll know and when you least expect it I will be there." The Once-Ler then headed back inside his office. I guess Jenny had failed to hear the Once-Ler's threat because her only comment regarding that little comment was, "my name's Jenny!" "Whatever." The Once-Ler said in an uncaring tone of voice as Brett and Chet closed the door on her. Jenny spent the next couple hours pondering a ponder as she toured the streets of Russia. She eventually decided to catch a cab back to her hotel only to learn the cab driver was really a crocodile man hybrid named Joe Croc. Jenny hopped out from the cab and had a little fight with Croc eventually kicking him into some barrels of toxic waste. To Jenny's upmost horror, Joe Croc would appear to be immune to the effects of the toxic waste as he started dancing around in it and singing about he does love to beside the seaside. Jenny attempted to make a break for it only for Croc to stuff her inside of an old Morrisons carrier bag as he took Jenny to meet with his own boss. Croc's boss known as the Russian Elder owned a massive tower located on the highest mountain in rural Russia.
The Russian Elder was really damn annoying as much as she claims otherwise. Her poor yeti henchmen have to spent their days picking bugs out from her hair while she yaps on on about marrying a redneck who has great car insurance but a lot of bad debt. Ain't that what they call Murphy's Law? No it isn't how stupid! The Russian Elder smiled an iconic smile as Jenny was thrown down onto the ground in front of her. Forced to bow upon the Elder, Jenny asked, "please don't threaten me with a golf club will ya kindly?" "Threaten you? My child; I have but one request." The Elder explained to which Jenny responded by pulling a puzzled face as she then asked, "which is?" Suddenly, the Elder's eyes became sly as she said, "I want you to kill the Once-Ler." "Huh?" Jenny asked. The Russian Elder cleared her throat as she explained, "some years ago, back when Oncie and his family first starting Thneeds, me and him we had us a truce. A partnership of sorts. I tell him he can sell his Thneeds anywhere in Russia just as long as no harm befalls my beloved pet duck Morrie." Sadly, the Once-Ler failed to keep said promise as he 'accidentally' killed the poor little quacker by dropping a pair of garden trimmers on it's head. Morrie was a real dumb duck anyway so I don't think he'll be missed. Now, the Russian Elder was supposedly the quote on quote supreme ruler of all Russia, and everyone in the country had to bow down to her even the Once-Ler and President Putin had to look upon her! Sadly, Once-Ler decided to get back at the Russian Elder by killing her pet duck. I know I just said that Oncie killed the poor little quacker accidentally, but you have to understand that was a heavy use of sarcasm as in reality, Oncie killed Morrie completely intentionally. Why? Because to put it bluntly, Morrie didn't know how to play dominos. The Once-Ler lost his cool and flipped the Dominos up into the air before chopping Morrie's head off with a hacksaw. Morrie was like a son to the Russian Elder which is why she wanted the Once-Ler dead.
Before Jenny had time to ask any more questions, she was rudely tossed out from the tower and she brushed herself off and she decided to steal a motor scooter. Using said scooter, she returned to her hotel in order to inform Brad and her Mother of the situation. Arriving at her hotel room, Jenny was horrified to see Doctor Wakeman hanging from the ceiling wrapped in cod liver. Brad then appeared from behind Jenny and pointed a handgun at her back. "Brad what are you doing?" Jenny asked as she turned to face Brad who had become a mirror image of the Once-Ler himself. He was wearing a fancy green pinstripe tailored suit, sunglasses, a top hat, and a yellow Thneed was wrapped around his neck. Grabbing Brad by the neck, Jenny asked in between heavy sobs, "Brad... Brad what happened to you? What happened to you... prick." Brad shrugged as Jenny loosened her grip as Brad then continued with, "I got offered a job at Thneed Industries. I took it and now look at me; I'm the head of security for all things Thneed isn't that swell?" "You backstabbing prick!" Jenny yelled as she pushed Brad through the wall and the pair started flying as Jenny flew all the way through Russia towards an active volcano because Russia totally has one of those. Wink. Crashing inside the volcano, Brad aimed his gun at Jenny as he said, "I don't want to kill you Jen. Maybe I could cut you in. Give you a slice of the pie if you catch my drift?" He then added, "Mr Once-Ler is a very understanding man, and I'm sure he'd be willingly to put his prejudice views of robot aside if needs be." Brad aimed his gun and Jenny only for a massive boulder to fall from one of the high points in the volcano. "BRAD LOOK OUT!" Jenny cried at the very top of her... metaphorical lungs as Brad was crushed to death by the boulder. Jenny sank to her knees as she said, "you didn't change the game Brad the game changed you."
Back home in Tremorton, a massive statue was built in Brad's honour as well as a park bench and Mezmer's was ably renamed to The Brad Zone. The Once-Ler and the Russian Elder finally put aside their differences and became friends once again. Isn't that swell Now, Jenny on the other hand went back to fighting crime as normal, but she was not so sad about her best friend's death for she had a plan. For Jenny and Doctor Wakeman were building something. Oh yes, they were building a Brad robot! Yes, you see; the pair had recovered Brad's body from underneath the boulder and they were going to rebuild him. Rest assure ladies and gentlemen; Brad Carbunkle will walk again! With that, the episode ended by showing no credits but instead showed a SICK post credit scene which featured Abraham Foulkes dressed in medical scrubs getting ready to perform surgery on a patient. Mid surgery, the patient awoke and asked Foulkes, "how did you react to the Spingebill?" "What?" Abraham Foulkes asked dumbfounded as the patient then DIED! "I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" One of Evil Russian Mario's bodyguards cried as he ran down the streets crying like a little weasel but not the kind that kidnaps baby bunnies, no the bad kind. Wait a second that first one was bad! Ahem, now I have to say I really enjoyed that episode as it taught me that two wrongs do make a right. I don't think Evil Russian Mario felt the same way as he gave out orders for a manhunt in order to find the men or women responsible for botching up his important speech. Eventually, ERM eyed upon me and W.R Monger as he began to rub his chin knowingly as Matt Miller tapped him on the shoulder, and the little weasel decided to save his own skin by ratting me and W.R Monger out to ERM.
W.R Monger and I were really screwed as we found ourselves surrounded by ERM and his goons, but that's when W.R Monger had an idea as he proclaimed, "I got us a plan on how to get out of this Asquith. Grab a hold of my shoulder." I did so and using his jetpack, W.R Monger was able to fly both he and I back to Great Britain. We ended up crash landing through the ceiling of 10 Downing Street where a very impassive Boris Johnson was waiting to greet us. He was eating a Pot Noodle rather aggressively I might add as he asked us, "sup you two back already? I thought the old Russian bulldog would have put up more of a fight." I had no time to comment as Evil Russian Mario then appeared and closed the door closely behind him. "This gone far enough Boris." Evil Russian Mario said evilly as he got right up in Boris' face. Boris looked really confused as he then asked, "can't we just settle this over a pint?" And so, we all had ourselves a lovely pint at the Lobster Inn. Evil Russian Mario and Boris Johnson laughed on each other's shoulder. You wouldn't think that the pair had been at each other's throats only a few hours before. The pair downed pint after pint after pint after pint of Guinness as Boris quickly put 2 and 2 together and realised that Evil Russian Mario was not the true enemy, and that the real enemy was the Once-Ler all along. Not really sure how he reached that conclusion, but to be honest with you i don't really care as I am a rather tired son of a gun. Ha you thought I was going to say a son of a bitch didn't you.... oh dammit! Heading outside, the pair got onto Boris' bike as Evil Russian Mario asked, "are you sure this bike is going to be able to hold the both of us?"
Evil Russian Mario turned out to be right for asking that question as Boris ended up promptly running the bike into a lamp post creating a huge blooming mess in the process. W.R Monger and I were watching this all unfold from the Inn's window. We tapped each other's pint glass as we realised that we hadn't solved a damn thing, but we both decided to call it a day as we decided to order ourselves another round. Oh yes, another round of nice lobsters.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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