STAR TREK Lost Episode: Captain Kirk Finally Snaps!
I was only 30 years old.
I loved Star Trek so much, I had all the merchandise, movies, television shows, comics and other assorted paraphernalia. AND NO THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A SHREK IS LOVE TYPE STORY. I'M GONNA STOP IT HERE RIGHT NOW.
Specifically the subject of my adoration was the classic Star Trek, which was notable for featuring minority characters where none had been depicted before and for its at times laughable production values.
So when I was waddling down Main Street one day, came into a dingy alley and found a tape that said, STAR TREK LUST EPASODE: CAPTIN KERK LOSES IT!!!, written in blood red all-uppercase letters, my curiosity was naturally piqued. Despite the ominous appearance of the tape, I immediately picked it up, put it in me pocket, took it home and put it in my VHS.
It started, everything was normal, the title was normal and seemed to be from season 2. However, the odd thing was that there was no teaser prior to the main titles. Usually in Star Trek you have a short two-minute "teaser" before the credits that opens the story and ends with a fun lil' cliffhanger. "WEIRD" i thought. But I thought nothing of it, like many protagonists in various lost episode creepypastas, because none of them have an ounce of common sense.
The episode opened. It was in the briefing room, and Captain Kirk (portrayed by William Shatner) was sitting there all alone, wearing his signature green tunic.
After around 20.637732788329 seconds of dead silence, he suddenly began to say something.
"There's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and..."
My curiosity was very much piqued. It seemed that it was not William Shatner playing his character, but actually speaking as himself. What could this be, hm? I wondered. So I kept watching.
"and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have watched this show hundreds of times... I'd just like to say..."
I was greatly anticipating his next remark. What could it be? A giant THANK YOU to the entire fanbase? It seemed very much like it was leading up to that. I kept watching, and then came the moment of truth...
"Get a life, will you people?"
GASP! I was SHOCKED. Never before had my vaunted fandom and its object of adoration been trampled upon and defaced in such an odious manner. And by the main star of the entire show? That felt TERRIBLE! I should have just stopped watching there but I kept on watching because I'm an idiot.
"I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed!"
WHAT?? HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS WEARING A LIMITED EDITION SPOCK T SHIRT! HE COULD SEE WHAT I WAS WEARING? SCARY!!!!!1
"You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a colossal waste of time! I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?"
Suddenly he pointed at the camera, as if he were pointing at ME. SPOOPY!!!!!!!!!!!1
"You?"
Me?
"You, you must be almost thirty," he said. I was entirely convinced he was addressing me, as I was almost thirty myself.
"Have you ever kissed a girl?"
I hung my head in shame. I had been insulted gravely by one of my role models, my icons, my favourite actor of all time. This was too much for me. I could have just turned off the TV right then and there, but I kept watching. Most protagonists in these stories do anyway, inadvertently dooming themselves with their stupidity.
"I didn't think so. I just, there's a whole WORLD out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television. I LIVED!!! SO, MOVE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS BASEMENT."
HE KNEW I STILL LIVED WITH MY PARENTS? GASP!!!!1 SO SCAREY!!!
"AND GET YOUR OWN APARTMENTS, AND GROW THE HELL UP! I MEAN ITS' JUST A TV SHOW, DAMMIT, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!!!"
I had to ask him a question. I knew entirely that he was addressing me and that he knew of my presence, so I gave it a go.
"Are you saying, then," I whimpered through tears, "that we should pay more attention to the movies?" There were six movies based off of the original Star Trek, after all.
He looked shocked and disturbed at my answer. "NO! THATS NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!! YOU ARE THE, LAMEST - I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN - I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE THESE PEOPLE." He went out of view of the camera. "I mean, I can't understand what they're doing..."
For around thirty seconds he was off screen. I was incredulously disturbed by the revelation that William Shatner himself was disgusted by his own people, his own fandom who supported him and idolised him. I started to cry, I was so caught up in my misery I didn't even notice the sound of fighting off-screen.
Then he came back on screen.
"Of course, that speech was a re-creation of the evil Captain Kirk. From episode, uh, 37. The name, uh..." he looked off screen as if someone was prompting him. "uh, The Enemy Within. You know, yeah, yeah. So thank you, and live long and prosper. So everybody, set your phasers on stun, cause this show's ahead warp factor nine, you know?" He sounded positively jubilant.
Then the tape ended. I sat there in shock, shocked by what had just transpired. Suddenly my TV blew up and a skeleton popped out and I died and went to hell. Where I sit now watching Star Trek every day like I did in my non-life. THE END.
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