Shrek, The Ogreckoning

All of this happened to me sometime last Thursday.

Part I

I never used to believe that Shrek was a demon who existed in the cross section of our mortal plane. That is, until last Thursday. It was Thursday and I was experiencing a typical case of "Thursday afternoon crippling depression". So I decided to go rent a Shrek movie. I yelped movie rentals, but the closest place was a small store in the middle of the Massachusetts bayou. So I took a midnight drive to "666 Movie Rentals" to see if u could find anything to bide my time a bit longer before my inevitable demise. I thought the name "666 Movie rentals" seemed a bit odd but I didn't think anything of it. I went inside and rushed straight to the Shrek aisle. There I found a VHS tape for a movie called... Shrek 0. Two things immediately struck me as odd about the VHS tape: 1) There is no Shrek 0. I've seen every movie ever made related to Shrek, including the Shrek musical, and I can verify that there was NEVER a prequel Shrek movie ever written, and 2) The cover to the VHS tape was just blood. A thick layer of coagulated blood. Anyway, I went to the counter to buy the movie, and an old man with a gray beard and eyes that look liked they've seen it all rung me up. "Boy, you don't want this movie", the old man said. "Why not," I asked, "Shrek is the bestk" "But this here VHS tape is haunted. Last boy who rented this went missing a day later. That was thirty years ago, and ain't nobody seen him since. The only trace left of him was this VHS which found in the return bin, seven days later, covered in the boy's blood." "Do you take American Express?" I asked. He did so I bought the VHS and took it home. As soon as I got home I removed the VHS tape from its bloody cocoon and plopped it into my VHS. Then I hit play. The tv flickered on, and showed Shrek's swamp. Everything was normal, except that the swamp water around the swamp was red. Blood red. Then Shrek and donkey came out. Both of them looked normal, except for their eyes. Their eyes were both red. Blood red. The two began their witty banter, and I began to relax, expecting a typical Shrek movie. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. Donkey was excited about moving in with Shrek. The scene was suspiciously similar to the early scene in Shrek 1 where Donkey thinks he's gonna move in with Shrek. "And in the morning," Donkey said, "I'm making..." "Waffles!" I thought. A classic Shrek line. But donkey never said the word. He slowly opened his mouth, but, instead of a punch line, a bloody drool oozed from his mouth. And as the blood drool crept down his chin and began dripping down to his neck, Donkey spoke in an eery voice that didn't sound like it was voiced by Eddie Murphy. He said... "Doolb". And then Shrek walked into the frame, and he opened his mouth, and with bloody drool coating the sides of his ogre lips, he too said "doolb". With a gasp and a shudder, I realized that it wasn't even Mike Myers making the voice. It was... Someone else. Or rather... something else. The two started walking closer and closer to the screen, repeating the word "doolb" in a demonic chant. I turned on close captions to try and make sense of what they were saying. But it just said "doolb", exactly as I had typed it earlier. But then, I saw the reflection of the movie in the mirror. "Blood" the reflected closed captions said, "Blood." I wiped the tears from my eyes then vomited till I passed out

Part II

I woke up to the smell of cake. My favorite! I ran down the stairs and sat at the table. My mom had made some cake because she loves me. She got a knife and began cutting me a slice. As she did, she asked me "cake has layers, do you know what else has layers?" Easy, I thought. "Onions," I said, enthusiastically. My mom's smile dropped and she gave me a cold stare. "No...," she said "...People." It was around that moment that I realized it wasn't cake she was slicing up: it was my little brother Tommy. I looked up at my mom in confusion, and I saw that her eyes were red. Blood red. I screamed and started to jump out of my seat but my father grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. I looked at him and saw to my horror that his ears were little green antennae things like Shrek has. He stared back with his cold, blood red eyes and said, solemnly, "Settle down son. You're ogrereacting." I screamed, and pushed my way past him. I ran down the hall in blind panic. As I turned the corner, I knocked into a large man. He was fat, middle aged, and... green. It was Shrek. Except for his eyes. They were blood red. Them the creature opened his mouth, and the words came out that made my heart freeze... "Get out of my swamp", said Shrek.

Part III

I ran to the living room. I knew the VHS tape was behind everything. I went to eject and then I realized, to my horror that I still had to rewind it before I could return it. I could hear footsteps down the hall as I held down the rewind button. But then my VHS tape began leaking out red blood. Blood red blood. I pulled out the VHS tape in a panic, in hopes I could manually rewind it. But the tape was tangled out of the cassette. And the footsteps were only getting louder. I grabbed the tape to try and force it back in, but I couldn't get it. Then I realized that the tape was actually blood.

I grabbed the VHS tape and ran out, not even caring anymore that it wasn't rewound. I ran all the way to the Mass bayou, to "666 Movie rentals." But to my confusion, the sign outside no longer said "666 movie rentals", it said... "Tony's Laundromat." I ran inside and went to the cashier. A man much younger than the old man who I rented from.

"I'd like to return this movie" I said.

"Movie?" He said, " But this is a Laundromat!"

"It can't be. This is where I went last night. I rented a movie from 666 Movie Rentals"

"Boy," the man said to me, "666 Movie Rentals has been out of business for... 30 years now."

I ran out of the laundromat, leaving the accursed VHS tape behind. I ran back to my house, thinking that I must've been dreaming, or crazy, or something.

But where my house once was, there was now just... A swamp. "No", I thought, "this can't be. None of this is possible. Shrek's not real, or a demon. I don't believe it. I can't believe it."

But then a large, cold hand grabbed me by the shoulder. And I felt hot breath on my ear, and heard the voice of Mike Myers. "It's all ogre now" Shrek said.

I cried out in horror. This can't be happening! I must be dreaming! I don't believe this.

But the hand just squeezed tighter and pulled me around. And then I saw His face. Now I'm a believer.

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