Something Seemed Off
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NSFW WARNING
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Went over to his house for our hookup date. But right away something seemed...off.
Walked into the house, and at first glance you'd hardly even know anything was amiss. Typical guys house, you know, old pizza box open on the stove, clothes in a pile, shitty band posters on the wall, smell of weed. He seemed to be dressed normally, an old dirty t shirt with holes in it and pants with a stain from where he wiped his hands while eating. All in all, to the untrained eye, a very normal situation.
But... I couldn't help but notice. The walls themselves were clean, and I could see vacuum lines on the carpet. That wouldn't be too out of the ordinary on it's own, but looking closer suddenly a lot of stuff wasn't adding up. When he came in with the "where's my hug", I noticed that his dingy t shirt smelled... Clean. There was clutter, but it was all so purposefully arranged. Like it was un-cleaned, on purpose, in such a way that it'd be easy to clean later
I figure I'm just being paranoid, so I let it go. Open the fridge to grab us beers and to my horror... Fridge was spotless. There was old expired food in there, sure, but... The bologna was unopened, the hot dogs, all of it unopened. And I found a small frill of white cardboard... Ivory white, color ink code h164. The same white they use on la croix boxes.
He starts to notice that I'm sensing something is up. Hmm. It smells like weed and cum socks but... There's no bongs or torn open dab packages lying on the ground. There's a single dab rig... With clean water in it.
I'm getting really freaked out. He takes me to the bedroom and we have sex, and it seems right--14 minutes of bland, uninteresting dick. During it, I was hanging off the bed and took a peek under... Clean. Three pornographic magazines, neatly stacked. No creases or folds in them.
During the last minute, the jig is up for me. Suddenly he has this amazing stroke game, my toes go numb as he's pulling all the best moves and angles. I pushed him off of me, and stormed over to his closet. "No wait!" He called, but I threw it open.
Clean clothes, sweater vests, smart khakis and fitted shirts. Storm out to the living room, he's following me begging me to stop, tryna say "uh, uh, I'm getting blue balled! You're a uh, bitch and a prude and a wh0r3!" But I can hear the respect in his voice, he's fronting. Living room closet... Ugh I wanna throw up just thinking about it.
Neatly stacked are all kinds of really beautiful and tasteful living room decor, hidden so that I wouldn't see. There's... God I'm tearing up typing this... There's a vacuum. Cleaning supplies. Oh god there were even dryer sheets
I swiped the pizza box away. Spotless stovetop. Threw open the oven, freshly cleaned. Cupboards full of healthy snacks, protein powders, preworkout.
"I knew it," I said to him. "You're gay"
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