Sonic Heroes Cursed Copy
From as far back as I can remember, I've always been a fan of Sonic The Hedgehog. Ever since, I got Sonic 1 for the Sega Genesis back in 1993. I have played every game in the series even the terrible ones like Sonic 06 and Sonic Rivals. I didn't care how bad the games were if the game had Sonic in it I wanted it! In fact, Sonic is the whole reason I went for a Sega Dreamcast instead of a PlayStation 2 back in the day. Dreamcast makes dreams come true. If you know what I'm saying bucko?
Sadly, Sega Dreamcast was the very last console produced by Sega before they decided to focus all of their efforts on software. This meant that for the very first time, Sonic's games were available on Nintendo consoles. Sonic had finally after a decade of console wars put aside his differences with the fat smelly plumber that is Super Mario. The first Sonic game to be produced for other consoles was Sonic Heroes.
Sonic Heroes is one of my absolute favourite Sonic games. It is one of the few great games to come after the original trilogy on the Sega Genesis. Now to be fair, the game did have it's fair share of problems, but I could do not give a duck. For those you uniformed out
there, Sonic Heroes is about Sonic himself and the gang spiting into four separate teams in a quest to defeat Metal Sonic who has disguised himself as Dr Eggman: holding the real Dr Eggman captive. The teams consist of Team Sonic which contains Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles. Team Dark which has Shadow the Hedgehog, Rouge the bat, and E-123 Omega. Team Rose which has Amy, Cream the rabbit, and Big the cat. Finally there's Team Chaotix who have Vector the crocodile, Charmy Bee, and Espio the chameleon. By far, the best team was Team Sonic because well do I even need to explain why?
Now I did own Sonic Heroes for the Nintendo GameCube back in the day, but sadly after my old GameCube broke due to old age; I mostly forgot about all of my old games like Sonic Heroes. However recently, I wanted to spark up some nostalgic memories by buying a new GameCube. I bought some of my favourite games like Super Mario Sunshine, The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, Metroid Prime 1 & 2, and Resident Evil 4. I then remembered Sonic Heroes after I saw a mighty man with a mighty coffee mug do a review of the game on YouTube. Sadly, for some reason, I couldn't find a damn copy of the game anywhere. I looked all over my town and the nearby city of Birkland for Sonic Heroes, but couldn't find anything! I was getting pissed. I didn't bother looking on Amazon or eBay because I don't trust them. One time, I ordered a whistle and they gave me a jar of marmite. It made me sick! Very sick.
Anyways, just as I was about to give up my search for a new copy, I was approached by my good friend Slimy Sausage. Slimy Sausage is a fat fucking seal whose father is a walrus. Hmm I smell a conspiracy. Basically, Slimy informed me about a man giving out copies of Sonic Heroes for free over on High Street. Slimy told me that the man was hanging out in a smelly alleyway which was located right next to the local Argos. "I want a play!" Slimy proclaimed happily like some kind of Spyro The Dragon. I ignored Slimy and proceeded to make my way over to High Street.
Arriving at the aforementioned alleyway, I found the guy selling copies of Sonic Heroes. He was wearing a really dodgy looking Sonic hat. "Hey man you wanna buy this game?" The man asked me as I responded with, "yeah sure how much do you want for it?" "Take it free!" The man proclaimed happily as I asked, "for free?" "Ha no! I want beans on toast please." The man responded. "Well I don't have any beans on toast on me right now but the Trusty Slab has some." I said as the guy threw the game at me before proclaiming, "gotta go fast!" He then ran down the streets like a mad man before getting run over by a car. So sad.
I made my way back to my house, and saw that Slimy Sausage was waiting for me. He was accompanied by the Duke of Birkland: Duke Hampshire. "I'm the Duke and I would like beans on toast please." Duke Hampshire said as I was forced to make him beans on toast. Meanwhile, Slimy Sausage popped the game into my GameCube. When I asked Slimy what he was doing in my house, he simply responded with, "me want to play buddy! Me want to play game!" Yeah Slimy is one weird seal friends. Despite being nearly 46 years old, Slimy still lived with his walrus father even though he owned an apartment over in Empire Bay. He also receives a union payroll whatever that means.
I came back into the living room and handed Duke Hampshire his beans on toast as the game was showing the team select screen. 'What team should I pick?' I wondered to myself. I decided to go with Team Sonic because I'm boring like that. So the game started with the opening cutscene which had Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles receiving a letter from Dr Eggman who was is really just Metal Sonic in disguise. "Time to crack that Eggman wide open!" Sonic proclaimed as really weird saxophone music began to play in the background.
The game then started with the first level: "Seaside Hill." During the level, I found the game extremely difficult to play. For starters, I was unable to switch to play as Tails and Knuckles. I was stuck playing as Sonic for the entire level. Also, all of the Egg Pawns were replaced by fucking among us crewmates. "WHEN THE IMPOSTER IS SUS!" The crewmates would say as I sped right past them. How was I going to fight them without Knuckles? I made my way onto the beach when a large fucking crewmate: the size of the Empire State building rose from the depths of the ocean. "Hello and goodbye." He said evilly as he rose his mighty foot up into the air, and with that the game cut to black. I immediately began to question myself on what a just saw.
It came back to show that I was now in the second level: "Ocean Palace." Thankfully, I was now able to play as Knuckles and Tails again. This is when I should mention; the game's running speed. It was incredibly slow, and Sonic ran like he was stuck in slow motion. It was so fricking annoying! Now thankfully, aside from the slow motion, the rest of the level played like normal. For a brief moment, I was actually thinking there might be some hope left for this disaster of a game. Oh how naïve I was my friend. Even more naïve than bread and butter pudding. Oh yeah I went there!
The Egg Hawk boss battle was when my problems really began. At first, the Egg Hawk didn't appear on screen. Just as I was about to shut the console off, it finally showed up but it was not the Egg Hawk seen in the proper game. No it was instead a bird which had an egg sitting on top of it. The bird ended up accidentally dropping the egg onto the floor, as Mr Uppity began poking at it with his feet. "Take this." Knuckles said as he proceeded to hand Mr Uppity an umbrella. Mr Uppity crashed the egg into pieces using the umbrella all the while thanking Knuckles profusely for his help. All of the sudden, Mr Uppity was swept away by the bird which could speak English for some reason. "Where are you taking me?" Mr Uppity asked. "Mr Uppity! I'm taking you home to a flying hammock as a reward for saying thank you!" The bird proclaimed happily as it flew into the sunset with Mr Uppity. Sonic then turned to face the screen and said, "that's no good."
Arriving in Grand Metropolis, my problems began to grow worse by the minutes. Now in this mission and the next mission "Power Plant," the enemies were far more aggressive than usual, and also took a lot longer to defeat. There were also no rings present in these two levels which made the levels practically impossible. Also, my controller would violently spaz out whenever I had to fight one of the robots. Also, there were more fireballs and far more dangerous obstacles to avoid than usual which made the levels all the more frustrating.
After finishing Power Plant, I got up and headed into my kitchen to make a cup of Yorkshire Tea. I needed a break from whatever this game was. The game was just wrong. Dead wrong. Deader than Dead Bart. Oh yeah I went there! When I returned to the living room, I found Slimy and Duke Wellington had began playing the game in my absence. "What are you two doing?" I asked as Duke Wellington responded with, "your friend and I are going to play this game in order to get to the bottom of this sticky wicket." "Sticky what?" I asked but Wellington didn't respond. Now that's just rude isn't it dear reader? Dear reader? Answer me!
Whatever, I sat back on the couch and saw that the pair had reached the team battle with Team Rose. Now Amy and Cream looked normal but Big the cat's fur was red inside of purple. This made me vomit out my insides, but I managed to put them back in as the battle began. "Froggy!" Big proclaimed as he did a massive slam on top of Sonic and Tails which caused the entire platform to collapse into the abyss. "Are we ok?" Tails asked as Knuckles responded with, "no problem," as the pair continued to descend towards the blue abyss which lay below the city.
Suddenly without warning, the game cut to show a brief advertisement which had a big fat guy who looked like Big Smoke playing fucking Spider-Man for the PlayStation 2. "Yeah go save that girl Spider-Man!" The man proclaimed as he danced around like a mad man. He was then glared at by some sinister old ladies. The fat guy wanted to gain favour with the stuck up old ladies in order to gain a place in a elite and exclusive country club. Oh how sad. Then the game cut to show some weird guy dressed up as an onion getting thrown into an active volcano by an Asian wrestler. I vomited all over Duke Hampshire's beans on toast when I saw that. How could I not I ask you! I mean the poor onion man was actually shown melting in the molten lava. How on Earth made this piece of crap? It looked far too professional and far too completely made to have been made by a mere hacker or prankster or something like that. This had to be a mod.
The game then FINALLY came back to normal. The next two levels "Casino Park" and "Robot Carnival," were a pain in the ass. I mean seriously. I got to be honest with you, I never really liked the casino levels in Sonic Heroes anyway. I find them way too annoying, and very janky to control if you know what I mean. It's also a real eye sore and makes me feel sick just looking at it. These levels even though I wasn't playing them; I could tell that they were a pain in the neck. Even Slimy was beginning to get angry, and he's quite a mellow marshmallow if you don't mind me saying dear reader. The spinball mechanics were just plain bad man even worse than they were in the proper game. Slimy just couldn't for the life of him get Sonic, Tails, or Knuckles to leave the pingpong table. They just kept spinning around the entire damn table for what seemed like hours. In fact, it actually was hours. Believe me sunshine I checked my watch.
"Rail Canyon," and "Bullet Station," were not much better either. I should also mention that Slimy had handed the controller back to me as he was getting too grumpy to function. "Oh what's the matter Slimy?" I asked teasingly. "Shut up!" Slimy barked. He barked not like a seal but like a meal. Ha! The controls for the railings my goodness did they suck!? They were so fricking terrible honest to goodness. I also encountered a really bizarre bug in these two levels which was that Sonic just wouldn't shut up and kept saying, "time to go to work Hushaby Mountain!" That doesn't even make any fricking sense! Knuckles was also annoying me greatly as he kept saying, "they're pulling out all the tricks." Over and over again.
We then reached the boss battle with the Egg Albatross. However, just like the battle with the Egg Hawk earlier nothing happened. I made my way to the centre of the screen once again as the Egg Albatross FINALLY appeared... or at least I assumed it was the Egg Albatross. It was actually a bold eagle who was very fat. "Amogus." The eagle said as he began dancing to the among drip theme. WHAT THE FUCK?!
The game then cut to the Team battle with Team Dark. However, Shadow was now orange instead of black which made me gag violently into a nearby Burger King brand tissue. "May I have a go?" Duke Wellington asked as I handed him the controller. Duke Wellington tried to attack Shadow and Rouge but ended up falling off the cliff. "I can't take it!" Wellington cried as he DIED. Oh bravo! Somehow, I was able to defeat Team Dark as we finally reached "Hang Castle." This level as well as "Mystic Mansion," were my favourite levels in the entire game, But of course, because luck is not on my side, the game decided to bypass these levels and jumped straight to the Egg Fleet. At least, we were at the home stretch I suppose.
You know something? These levels weren't THAT bad. Well actually I wouldn't know as I headed into the kitchen to call the police and informed them about Duke Wellington's death as well as the game. "We'll be right over!" The operator proclaimed in an overly happy tone as the phone call ended. I got sick again. I vomited into my sink for twenty minutes. After I was done, I made my way into my garden for a few minutes in order to collect my thoughts or at least attempt to. I sat on a small chair sipping from my cup of tea and reading a newspaper which stank of noodles when I heard Slimy calling me back into the house.
Upon returning once again to the living room, I found that Slimy had reached the final boss (at least for Sonic's story that is) with the Egg Emperor. The fight was normal for the most part. Dr Eggman finally appeared as normal and wasn't replaced by something unrelated to the Sonic The Hedgehog universe. Well, at least we got that, But the music for the fight was wrong. The song was played in the background was September by the band Earth, Wind & Fire. Also once again, for whatever fucking reason Tails and Knuckles were unplayable; meaning I had to fight the entire boss using only Sonic. I somehow managed to defeat the Emperor, and got up from the couch to celebrate but then the game did a strange thing.
The final cutscene froze just as the Egg Fortress was shown blowing up. The game cut right back to the team select screen, and our progress as Team Sonic had been complete erased from the game. The game's percentage was back to 0 for Team Sonic. The game then cut to show some weird looking fox character singing to the screen. He sang, "and I need help from you, you, you, you... oh I need help from you!" I got up from the couch, and ejected the game from my GameCube placing it back inside my case.
I then picked up the GameCube and held it high up into the sky until it touched the ceiling. "Sega does what Nintendon't!" I then proceeded to throw the GameCube onto the streets outside, and laughed like a maniac when I saw it get ran over by a garbage truck and then a combine harvester. I headed back into my house, and offered to make Slimy Sausage a cup of tea while we waited for the police to arrive to deal with Hampshire's body. Slimy agreed happily, and I made my way into the kitchen and started making them.
When I entered the kitchen, I saw a weird duck dressed like a chef holding my game. He was attempting to climb out of the window. "What you doing with my fucking game!?" I yelled at the top of my lungs as the chef duck said, "sorry kid but this game is far inappropriate for you. I'm taking it to my friend Rabe Maniels." And with that, the chef duck disappeared into the shadows of the night. Never to be seen again. Well that's a lie actually. I saw him on the bus last Thursday. He was heading to Vice City to catch up with his parents who he had not seen since the summer of 1972. Back when the world made sense and the houses with green doors actually had green doors. I only have one very important question. Who the fuck is Rabe Maniels!?
That's when a loud knock occurred on the front door of my house, and I went to answer it. BIG MISTAKE! As soon as I answered the door, I was immediately grabbed by two police officers who began pulling me towards their car which sat across the road from my house. "What do you think you're doing to me!? Do you know who I am? I'm Doctor Gareth Smellnick! I was built by Doctor Heinz back in the winter of 42!" I yelled at the very top of my lungs. I managed to escape the mighty grip of those officers as I began running down the road all the while being chased by the entire Birkland police force.
I was chased all the way down to Majesty Park where I was confronted by the two police officers from earlier. "Is this about Duke Wellington? Look trust me I didn't kill him!" I pleaded as the unmoved officers both said, yeah right!" I had no proof for my game my only true piece of evidence had been taken away by that weird duck chef. "Just come quietly Doctor and maybe we can swing you a deal." One of the officers suggested as I said, "yeah right." "Have it your way then." The other officer said as he pulled out a large sawn off shotgun, and aimed it right at my stomach. "Say goodnight Doctor." The officer said as I heard a loud gunshot engulf the air. However, opening my eyes, I realised with great relief that I had not been the one to have been shot. No the two officers were shot and killed by Slimy Sausage who said, "come on Gareth we gotta get you out of here baby."
Slimy and I made our way over to Birkland International Airport. "What are we doing here?" I asked Slimy as he handed me a flight ticket. "This is a first class ticket to London," Slimy said before continuing with, "this is your chance to escape Birkland. Those officers think that you killed Wellington, and will stop at nothing until your head is hanging above Commissioner Green's fireplace." "Will I ever see you again Slimy?" I asked a single tear fell from my eye. "Fuck no! I hate you!" Slimy laughed wickedly as he caught a cab back to his pop's place. What a jerk.
I never knew that one badly made bootleg could cause so much ruckus. It's even worse than the time I put fried chicken into a woodchipper. Ever done that? I know I have! Anyways, Sonic Heroes will still remain as one of my favourite games of all times, and over the months and weeks that have passed since this incident, I am now able to look back and laugh at this incident and how creative the people who made it were. I mean I never expected that playing Sonic Heroes would cause me to have to leave Birkland, but hey what are you gonna do?
Besides, I had planned on leaving Birkland anyway and get into a really quaint British city like London. Birkland isn't a great city anymore now that the city is led by corrupt officials like Commissioner Green and Duke Wellington. I heard that Governor Phil Green is corrupt too and is in the pocket of some big crime boss from London. Whatever, I headed inside the airport and caught the next flight to London. Perhaps this was my time to start anew, my chance to make history, and my chance to show those pricks at Northwestern what I can really do. It was time for me to show the world what Doctor Gareth Smellnick can do.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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