Splitter: Difference between revisions

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I changed my comments to be less interruptive, and more funny.
imported>GREATEST1Official
(Adding categories)
imported>GREATEST1Official
(I changed my comments to be less interruptive, and more funny.)
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There’s this lab. [Cool.] Nobody
really knows about it because it was founded by a man who had conections [I can already tell this is going to be great, a spelling mistake in the second sentence!] with
the government and enough influence to keep them hushed about it. [I can already tell this is going to be great, a spelling mistake in the second sentence!] The
scientists in the lab had decided to illegally hold a human test subject, a
young girl whose parents had received a large amount of money to hand over to
the scientists. [So the parents gave the scientists money that they recievedreceived from... somewhere?] Many tests were performed on the girl over several years, so
many that she started to have strange reactions to pain. Sometimes an injection
of some horrible type of acid or something of the sort wouldn’t even phase her. [Because she found morphine, our lord and savior.]
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Hello, my name is Jackson
May [Whoa Whoa Whoa... You can't just change pointPOINT ofOF viewVIEW in this manner! That's like saying yourthe story is gender fluid, and it can be whatever it wants!.], I’m 38 years old, I was a law enforcement officer, I had a wife and two
beautiful children... they’re gone now. [Damn, that escalated quickly...] I’m typing this because I need you to
hear my story. I don’t have much time, it’s nearly midnight... soon that thing
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I got into my car and
started driving to the store. As I was passing a small alley, I thought I saw a
shadowy shape [Oh no, was it a triangle?!] reflected in my rearview mirror, but it disappeared in an
instant. [Oh no, was it a triangle?!] I shrugged it off and continued to the store. I bought my items and
went back to my car. On the way home, I became lost in my thoughts, and I guess
I must have dozed off (something very uncharacteristic of me), because I didn’t
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It was small and pale, not
human, so skinny it couldn’t be alive... but what terrified me most [I hate it when people say "what terrified me the most", that's like a freaking laugh track for spooky stories on the internet!] was its
face. [I hate it when people say "what terrified me the most", that's like a laugh track for spooky stories on the internet!] The thing’s mouth was permanently stitched into an oversized smile,
spreading across its face, its eyes were white, hollow orbs ringed with black.
It had what looked like the top of an oversized bolt stuck into its head.
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crash,” I said. [Rather nonchalant.] I told the police my location, but something stopped me from
mentioning the thing that I had hit. Eventually, the police came with a pickup
truck. We assessed the damage. [WHY DID YOU CALL THE POLICE? YOU '''ARE''' THE POLICE!]
 
“I don’t know what you hit,
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small pale thing that I hit was nowhere to be seen. I could hear my heart
pounding in my ears, and everything around me seemed to slow down. Suddenly, in
my head, I heard a voice... a voice that made icy fingers creep up my spine [Best part of the whole story, right there.]:
 
“You hurt my friend...
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words written in blood, the same phrase repeated, “You hurt my friend, you’ll
never get to your resting place.” I rushed into the living room, and fell to my
knees. [I bet he doesn't do much running... Seriously, you need help with balance there, bud?] My family lay there, dead. Sam’s hair dripped with blood, a knife stuck
out of the top of his head. The sight of Brittany made me sick, her stomach was
split open, her intestines spilled over her pale skin. I looked towards my
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Pushed past the limit, I
called 911 for the second time that day and summoned them to my house. [Once again, you ARE the police.] I waited
outside for them, and when they arrived, I just couldn’t stand being there
anymore. I hailed a taxi to take me somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was far
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longer sewed shut, it was open and the things pointed teeth dripped with black
liquid... the other half of the creatures face looked more normal, but I think
it frightened me more. [That was a long fucking sentence.] It looked like... the girl I saw in the alley, her eyes
glinted with a twisted playfulness. Even though her mouth wasn’t stretched into
a cheshire cat-like grin, she was smiling malevolently. A chain hung around the
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“You’ll never get to your
resting place!” the thing hissed in a voice that didn’t seem human. [Of course, the obligatory killing catchphrase.] I un-froze
and tried to punch it, but it easily dodged me, it was just toying with me. I
was about to yell for help, when the thing shoved something in my face. I
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I turned to the thing, but
it had already disappeared. I threw the hand away [Again, nonchalant as hell.] and finally sank into a
restless sleep. [The last time I said something was nonchalant was nothing compared to this. Can we just stop for a second, and realize that this guy saw a 'scary tall demon thing', which shoved his wife's chopped-off hand in his face, and then he just goes to sleep. Brilliant writing.] Every night from then on, that thing visits me, always at
midnight, always in that deformed state that’s half demonic creature, half young
girl. I hear its voice wherever I go, I see its shadow stalking me. It’s
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11:59, I just heard a noise coming from under the bed, my paranoia has grown to
an unhealthy level in the past few days. The time is 12:00, the thing is here
againnnnmmmmmjnkloopppp [Fail ending. That's worse than that Candlejack gug-]
 
[Anyways, this is like Candlejack, but worse in the fact that the thing killed him perfectly at the end of the story. HOW CONVENIENT IS THAT?]
 
Ashes to ashes, bones to paste,
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