Star Wars: Shadow of the Hell Empire

A few years ago, it was summer and I was very bored. I wanted to feel nostalgic so I took a break from my homework and started driving down town. After about 10 minutes of driving by fast food places and mattress stores, I found a small shop called "Old Games". The parking lot was empty and there weren't any stores within like 100 feet of it. I pulled into the lot and parked my car. I should've just gotten McDonalds and driven home. The situation was about to get seriously creepy.

   I walked through the door and saw a man at the counter. He had long hair, a plain black shirt and looked very paranoid. I asked what kind of games they had and he replied, "Uh... Like um... Nintendo." Then he quickly looked away.

   I just shrugged it off and walked to the back of the store. There were messy shelves full of illegitimate-looking cartridges for the Nintendo 64 and NES. I almost peed my pants when I saw "Star Wars: Shadow of the Hell Empire" for the N64. It was in marker written over a piece of duct tape that covered the otherwise blank cartridge. I shrugged it off and assumed it was just a typo. Everyone's human (or at least that's what I thought at the time). Grammatical errors were common. I took the cartridge to the counter and the nervous-looking man said, "It's free. Just get outta here." As I walked outside I could here the man saying, "God bless that poor boy. May he Rest in Piece."

   I just shrugged it off and decided he was very religious. After I got in the car and put the cart in the passengers seat, I looked back and realized that the shop was gone. It had just completely disappeared. Poof. Just vanished. I shrugged it off and assumed I was dehydrated. I stopped at Burger King and asked for an extra large water. When I got to the first window, the lady threw urine at me and said "We ain't got none." I was thoroughly disappointed. 

   When I got home I was mega excited to play my new/old game. I was ready for a blast of nostalgia. When I got to my room, I realized I didn't own a game console. I decided to go into my brother's room

   "Stephen"

   "jeremy u little shit i told u not 2 go in my room"

   "Stephen do you happen to own a Nintendo 64?"

   "what kind of a question is that nathan hell frickin no i dont own a n64 get out of my room john and dont come back"

   With that, I left Stephen's room and went into my kitchen. I warmed up a taco and ate while I thought. Where could I find an N64 in 2009? Maybe I could go back to Old Games. No, that's right it disappeared. Maybe there's one in my basement. I finished my taco and took my dog, also named Taco with me on my adventure to find an N64. 

   Did I ever mention my parents are hoarders? My kitchen and living room look like any other, but my basement was filled with boxes and papers to the ceiling. I dug through the boxes. After about 5 minutes, I almost screamed when I saw a cockroach. It just crawled out from under one of the boxes. Then, about 50 more followed It. I had no idea what to do. I was seriously spooked. Then I remembered that Taco was with me. I got a brilliant idea. I held him down towards the ground and he acted as a vacuum cleaner. All the spiders got swiped away. 

   After about 37.38 minutes of digging through papers and destroying centipedes with my dog, I found an N64 under my adoption paperwork. It was beautiful. It shined gold and didn't show any signs of use. There were a few games under it like Mario 64, Doom 64, and Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I took the N64, brought it up to my room and hooked it up into my old TV. I Popped in Star Wars: Shadow of the Hell Empire and realized that I didn't have a controller for my system. I went up to Stephen's room. 

   "Stephen"

   "brock u little shit i thought i told u not 2 come in my room!"

   "Stephen do you have an N64 controller?"

   "oh yeah i do just take it and leave lucas"

   He handed me I controller with a cord attached to it. 

   "Thanks," I said and walked back to my room. 

I was finally able to play my game. I attached the controller to the N64 and began to play.

   When the game started, the title was backwards and the music was playing in reverse. I entered the first level and it was super spooky. Darth Vader's eyes were glowing red and he was crying tears of hyper realistic blood. Instead of saying, "Luke, I am your father," He said, "Look, I wish you were still alive" 

   The dramatic music started playing backwards and Luke started sobbing and said, "You are the one that killed me," in a really depressed tone and Vader started laughing evilly. 

   I realized that I needed to kill Darth Vader and got my toy lightsaber from my closet. Darth Vader jumped out of my screen and said, "Prepare to die."

   We had a very dramatic fight. Vader almost cut my hand off but I blocked him and flung his lightsaber back. He tried to use the force to get back his saber but before he could I cut off his arm. 

   "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Vader said. 

   I had finally defeated him. 

   Then, the hottest girl in school came in and kissed me and gave me a box of 

pizza and told me I was her hero. Then my orthodontist came in and said I could get my braces off. Then my dad came back from the bar sober and offered to play ball with me. 

   I now lay in bed with my wife (former hottest girl in school) 40 years later while she knits. We are both a happy elderly couple. But sometimes, I can still hear the spine-tingling breathing of Darth Vader.  

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