My stomach grumbled impatiently as I drove into the drive-thru.
"Hi, can I take your order?" The miserable teen grumbled at me.
"Hi, I'll have a..." I scanned the menu looking for something that appealed to me.
The teen exhaled loudly. I swear customer service is getting better these days... whatever happened to service with a smile?
My eyes glanced down the menu and stopped on the Big mac. My stomach emitted a pleasant growl, as if to say "Pick that pick that pick that!". "FINE!" I thought, "just shut up!". Great. Now i'm having a silent argument with my stomach - I'd better order some food pronto.
"Please can I have one Big mac please?"
I handed grumpy pants a crisp £5 note, and grumps shoved the change back in my hand.
"Drive further up to get your stuff" Grumps mumbled.
"Thankyou, have a lovely day" I grinned.
I drove up and got my order, then parked in the car park.
"FINALLY! You neglect me ya'know - you can't expect me to sit here quietly while you drink all that coffee crap and never feed me ACTUAL FOOD!"
"Shut up - you're my stomach so you'll do what I tell you."
"You're such a jerk. Why couldn't I have been the stomach of Jamie Oliver or Nigella Lawson? At least then I wouldn't be filled with crap."
"Shut up so I can eat"
I really need to consider getting a stomach transplant, but i'm sure the doctors won't allow it as there is nothing physically wrong with my stomach - it just has an arsey attitude. Besides, what am I supposed to even say? "Hi, my stomach talks to me and it sounds like a chain smoker with a chicago accent - please can you swap it for another?". No. I don't think so.
If my stomach were a person, I know that we would hate each other. I shoved the burger in my face and chewed happily. Then I felt something gristly grinding between my teeth. I chewed and chewed - wow this was one tough burger - or maybe it was that my mouth wasn't used to solids (as I had been working a lot lately, so had just been drinking coffee). I continued to chew, but then something caught my attention.
"What the fuck!! I ordered a big mac and this fucking TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!" I exclaimed.
"HEY! I was eating that!" Stomach roared.
I examined the half eaten burger by carelessly tossing all the lettuce and bread aside. My finger brushed against something covered in ketchup - It was probably just a gherkin *shiver* gross. But I examined the ketchup slathered thing anyway. I picked it up and it dangled in my fingers for a few seconds... 1... 2... 3... 4. Then realisation hit.
"Oh... my... fuckin'... god." My stomach grumbled sarcastically "Didn't I say you fed me crap? Eh, eh? Well, say something dammit!"
'AHHHHHHHHH SHUTUPYOUIGNORANTSHIT FUCKKKKKKK!" I shrieked as I launched 3/4 of a human nose at my wind shield. It splattered ketchup on the glass, then bounced onto the dash board."
I sat staring at the nose for about 10 minutes, while stomach was there stomach aciding his pants.
I simply picked up the nose and placed it in the burger carton. And that was that.
I don't know what made me go back the next day... It just kinda happened.
The same events took place, except this time I got an eye in my Big mac. I was freaked out, like anyone would be, but I just brushed it off, flung it in the carton with the nose from the previous day, and carried on eating.
This continued for 7 more days, and each day I was bothered less by the human flesh.
After my burger on the 9th day (today was a sheet of skin, YUMMY!) curiousity struck me. I rooted and retrieved the carton I had been flinging all the flesh in - then layed them out on the napkin on my lap. I placed the eyes next to each other, the ears outside of them, the nose inbetween the eyes, the lips underneath that, then a sheet of skin where the forehead should be, the the two remaining sheets where the cheeks should be. The result of my creativity was a face. But...
"Hahaha, I guess you are what you eat, eh?" Stomach chuckled.
I was so stunned I didn't bother replying. I was staring at myself. It was a bit ragged and askew, but, that was definitely me. On its- I mean on my (my face in my lap I mean) left cheek, were the words 'I'm lovin' it' etched into the skin. Ewwwww. Where the hell did they get my face?!?
"Look in the mirror dumbass..." stomach said, with a smirk in its voice that was in my thoughts.
I looked up - muttering to myself what a douchbag stomach was. My face... or lack of it. My mouth no longer had lips, just pink gums and not-so-pearly whites. My nose no longer had nostrils - they looked more like two dark caves now. My flesh was gone, an inflamed raw red was now my complexion. My ears were not there - YAY at least I wouldn't have to listen to stomach's stupid comments, this is the only positive thing from this!!
"Think again douchebag - you don't need ears to hear your thoughts you crazy bastard."
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