TOYS R US ADVENTURE

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I sometimes go into Toys R Us, dressed in my old filthy clothes, walk to the doll isle and whisper, "They're watching, and they want your blood..." to small children. Then when the security guard recognizes me, I throw off my overcoat, reveal my naked body, and sprint toward him screaming, "YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE SEBASTIAN."Then I face-crotch him mid-air 'till he drops, and smother him to death by the hand of my genitals. He tries to bite them so I release him, but the pain makes me "release" all over his face. I get up and stumble into the kid's bike isle while my testicles are hanging on by a bloody thread. By now a SWAT team is surrounding the perimeter of the building. Shoppers are cowering in fear with their children. I approach a woman, rip off the last of my shredded testicle, and gently place it on her forehead, and proclaim, "You are the chosen one. Never forget that." Once I get to the kid's isle, I steal a motorized plastic police car just big enough for me to sit in, with my knees upside my face and my legs spread over the doors. I operate the pedals with my hands. I drive around like an average shopper, ignoring the police sirens and negotiator shouting at me to stop from outside. I stop at delight when I reach a replica Woody doll. So I stand up, spit in my hand, lube up his head and proceed to violently hum the Toy Story theme as I sit on Woody's poor scalp. I get back into the vehicle and start screaming "YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME!" as I circle around terrified shoppers. I head towards the entrance of the store as blinding lights from police cars and sirens surround the parking lot. I get out of my vehicle and swipe open a small plastic packet of olive oil I had stored in my shoe, burst it open, and lube my entire body head to toe. I put my hands behind my head, squat, and slowly waddle like a Texas ranger towards the automatic doors. They open. The sky is musky grey and the rain is pouring heavily. My body is lit up with a thousand laser sights. I made sure the hanging Woody carcass suspended in my anus was in full view, then the negotiator shouts, "Stop what you're doing and lie on the floor with your hands behind your back". I laugh menacingly, strain my face, and with one abdominal push i splat the Woody onto the asphalt in a brown, bloody mess. A single tear rolls down my face, hidden in the rain. As i raise my arms and they prone their weapons, I circle my nipples with my fingers and finally scream, "IT'S ME AND YOU PIG, MAKE MY DAY." Those were my last words.

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